The Art of Saying No: Embracing Vulnerability and Personal Growth

WEBVTT

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast.

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Today, I'm the one getting naked, leading with vulnerability.

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I'm here with my best friend on the planet, belinda.

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No-transcript.

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I don't have a cup that is full, and I asked you that recently.

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So let me get into what I really need to ask you.

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I asked you recently is your cup full?

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And you responded and um, I don't know that I ever had a full cup.

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How does it make you feel?

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Where do you get your um?

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Where do you pull from, how do you, how do you fill that cup?

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Um?

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I just want to know all the things.

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Yeah, I think when you say that you've never had a full cup, I definitely understand what you're saying, because not until a few years ago did I feel like I had a full cup.

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You know, I don't think I understood that concept.

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And to our listeners, you know things that we deal with in our lives.

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We've talked about.

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You know, giving from your overflow, making certain that you put your mask on first, that you're not giving from something that you don't have, because I ended up in a place where I was at a deficit.

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I just gave and gave and gave and gave and gave until I was a wreck.

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So it's very important to me to give from my overflow, and the way that I do fill my cup is a couple of different things.

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So, you know, we've talked previously about the Skittles analogy.

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Right, and everybody only has a certain amount of Skittles.

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Right, skittles is your energy that you give, and I feel like spending my Skittles wisely is a big part of that.

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Right, because I'm making sure that, at the end of the day, there's still Skittles left for me, because I'm not wasting them on things that don't matter.

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Right?

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The other piece of that is just being very intentional with taking care of myself and making certain that I don't do things I don't want to do anymore.

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I used to do all the things People would ask me to do this or to do that, or I would jump out of my way to help other people that I didn't even want to do.

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But you know, if I find myself in a situation where I recognize that I could do something better than the other person could do it, I'm like here give me that, let me take that, I'll do that for you.

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I don't need to do that.

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That's not, it's not my responsibility to save people, and that's been years in the making for really realizing that it's not my job, just because I could do something better than someone else, to take that from them.

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So being very intentional about where I spend my energy, I think, is the biggest way for me to fill my cup.

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And then doing all the things that I do right, like yoga and Pilates and taking time to read books, you know, going and sitting out on the patio and journaling those are all things that give me energy.

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You know, taking care of other people in a way where it's like I can see that and it's a circle of energy instead of where it just pulls from me.

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You know people will, will vamp on your energy if you have it right and you can't blame them for doing that.

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I just didn't realize that for a lot of years that people did that to me all the time, which I don't again.

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I don't blame them.

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They saw something that was a light.

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I bring energy to stuff you take from it.

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Now I just know how to block that so that I'm using it for what I want it to, and it does.

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It fills my cup to the point of like.

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You know I'm very intentional with my words.

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I'm very intentional with, um, you know, making certain that I speak my truth in my relationships and that all of those things just kind of are little nuggets.

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You know, marbles that go into the jar to make sure that you're full.

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How do you block that how?

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do I block?

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How do you?

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block other people from vamping on you Just literally kind of not, you know, removing myself from that situation potentially, or putting up a boundary that just says I'm not doing that.

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You know, sometimes it's a verbal that you're telling somebody, but sometimes it's also just an intentional thing inside of you.

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You know I have lots of situations that come up every single day with especially all of the stuff that we're dealing with with life right now.

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You know circumstances that I have going on where I just literally have to say I'm not doing that and just removing myself from that situation.

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You know, boundaries were explained to me really in a fun way several years ago where it was like if someone pushes a plate of food across the table to you or says a plate of food down in front of you to eat and it's not your jam, it's not what you eat, you can just push the plate away and say no, thank you.

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I didn't realize that.

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So I've been pushing the plate away a lot, not in a bad way, to anybody else, but it's like nope, no, thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you.

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Because I do.

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I understand that my energy and my cup being full is the most important thing that I have going on, because when you call me and all of the things that you're going through and you need something.

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Yes, ma'am, doesn't matter what you need.

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Yes, ma'am, right, I am intentional about making sure that my cup stays full, so that when you need something I can be there for you.

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It's really hard, I think, if I talk to you about this briefly, to understand all of what you're saying, because we're just not there yet.

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I think you say you agree, yeah, we're just not.

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We're not there yet to fully fully understand, um, what it is, how it is, how it feels, um, not that we don't want it, right right, but um, it's, it's definitely something we haven't experienced ourselves.

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So, um to help others understand how, how it feels, how you get there, like, tell us a little bit about what that's like for you yeah, yeah, like how do you stay consistent?

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that's what I'm curious, like how do you consistently I'm so in tune.

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I'm so in tune with that cup, you know.

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It's like, you know, Cameron went out of town fishing for a week and you know, while he's busy doing all the things that he's doing, and you know, I'll take an evening where it's just for me, right, and I put on my music and I get my books out.

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I have told you before, I feel like I'm dating myself, you know, but it's literally like that's a huge addition to my cup, you know.

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Or even if it's like, okay, I'm not feeling, I'm starting to feel a little bit whatever.

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Have I written in my gratitude journal?

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Have I?

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You know, just not letting myself get far away from it, and that years of practicing, you know, like what you said, you're just not there yet because you've you started up.

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You know the journey further, you know you're in a different place in your journey, but you'll figure all of those things out where you just stay super in tune with it.

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For me, I would lose track of it and I would be like, why do I not, why do I feel off, why do I not feel amazing?

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And I would look and I would be like I haven't done my gratitude journal, which I will hammer in everyone's head.

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If you don't have a gratitude journal, practice like you're missing it, because it really changes your perspective, because it's really easy to say like look at all this shit that I don't have, Look at all this shit that I do have, Look at all of these things that I have to be grateful for.

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You know and sometimes my gratitude journal is huge things.

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Sometimes it's little things.

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You know it's being cognizant enough to know.

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In this day, whatever day it is, this day took a lot out of me.

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So I'll go home and, you know, get into a heart opening yoga pose and meditate.

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You know it's crazy, Poor Cameron, like this poor man, he doesn't know what which way is up.

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You know, he asked me last night.

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He's like do you?

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realize how crazy you are.

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I'm like, fully, a hundred percent, like I do, and it doesn't matter, like I couldn't be happier and I could not be.

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I don't feel like I could ever be.

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I'm in the best place that I possibly could to be there for my people.

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You know what I mean.

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My, my tribe is taken care of because when they call me and they need something, I'm not.

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I'm not giving from a deficit, I'm not giving from something that is a scarcity.

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I have an abundance of stuff that I'm collecting to be able to share with people, and so it is just being very aware, very cognizant of Ooh, I feel like I need, I need a hit, and I know how to get those things by just doing something for myself.

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If it's yin yoga, if it's, you know, going for a walk, if it's, it usually doesn't involve other people.

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The investments in my, in my cup, that I do, it's usually my own stuff, but you know having energetic exchanges with people where it's, it's fun.

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You know I'll be at the office and I'll be dancing and you know Lauren's making fun of me because I'm, you know, out there.

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Well, if you need that, that's just an energy boost.

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You know, for stuff and it does, being cognizant of that and filling up your cup super important, so.

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But it's all little stuff.

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It's none of it's like oh, I can go get this from this area.

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It's all small little things that you have to do for yourself to make certain.

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I never realized that, it never made sense to me years ago about I'm just trying to do everything for everyone, right, and if I just I don't have time to slow down long enough to do stuff for myself, because it felt very selfish, you know.

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So it was just just keep going, just keep going, do for him, do for her, do for the kids, do for all the other people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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And I did, you know, eight years ago.

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I ended up just in a hole, you know, and I didn't at that point.

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Then where do you even go from there?

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I was so dry and so empty and I didn't have anything left to give.

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Now I've understood over the last, you know, handful of years of working at it I'm not good to anybody else if I'm not full, and if I'm full I'm great for everybody.

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You know, it's like, it's almost like I don't.

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I don't know, it's a, it's a life hack for sure of just yes, you have to get past the point of like this is selfish thing.

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This is what this feels like is if I'm taking an hour for myself to just sit and read a book, or if I'm, you know, taking time for myself to just do that or do that, but it does, it gets me so that I'm giving from my overflow and there's plenty to go around so it's just hard to get to that point.

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I feel like sometimes, especially being a person for me who I love to help whoever needs something, whatever you need, if I can help you 100, 100%, I don't even question it.

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So it's hard for me to get to that place sometimes of like, am I at a place to be able to do that Absolutely, and then also like shutting yourself down if you're not right and saying no and that feels selfish that does feel selfish and it feels really hard to do because it's like, well, I'm capable of doing this, but again you're not.

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And really capable of doing this, but again you're not.

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And really understanding that and really understanding that if you're not in a place where your cup is full, reevaluate, get really get really comfortable looking in the mirror and realizing, like shit, I'm not in a great place.

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Maybe I need to be receiving right now instead of giving.

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When was the last time you've been knocked off course?

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I would say probably sometime in the last, sometime between the last, like six months and a year.

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It's been a minute.

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It's been a minute.

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I thought you were thinking really hard because it's been a while longer than that.

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No, it was.

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What was it?

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I don't remember specifically, I just remember feeling like I was off and like having to look in the mirror and say, am I doing all the things you know?

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And I look back and I hadn't been journaling and I hadn't been doing my gratitude journal and I hadn't been, you know, doing a few of the things, but it was.

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It happens very quickly for me If the things, but it was, it happens very quickly for me.

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If I'm not doing that, it can be two weeks and I'm like I'm just not fully in tune with myself.

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You know what I mean.

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I feel like it's a, it's a really important practice to do daily, to to keep whatever that is.

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You know, that's discipline, it is discipline, it is discipline and so it's, you know.

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But understanding that and for me I want, you know, discipline for me is I want whatever the goal is more than I want my comfort for right now.

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Right, and so for me, discipline is just a math problem now.

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Now, I totally get it.

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I don't bring emotion into it, I don't go like I don't want to.

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It's like no, I want the peace, that's all I chase now.

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That's literally all I chase.

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If I'm at peace, everything else is groovy, Like that's it.

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You know Kids around you, the husband, the work, all of the things, Everything around you just flows, you know.

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So yeah.

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Yes, I do know You're stuck.

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I am stuck all of a sudden.

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So I mean, I guess, I was just going to say the discipline thing.

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That's a hard thing for me to get to because it's just not something that I am good at doing.

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So that's like a whole other factor of throwing into that of being able to stay on top of it, figure out a life hack, and here's what it is when you have something that you're going to do right.

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For me, the biggest thing that I had to do years ago was like fitness, right, I don't want to get up at five o'clock or 4.30 in the morning or whatever it is.

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I don't want to go do this.

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I want to stay in my bed.

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I'm comfortable in my bed, right, and then just put it into your hands, right?

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Do I want the comfort of being in my bed, right, or do I want whatever Cause?

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It's an either or that's it.

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Right?

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Or do I want to be strong?

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Do I want to be strong as hell?

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You know what I mean.

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Which one do you want?

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Well, I'm going to take the other one every time, and when you put it in your hand like that, where it's, there's not any middle ground, you don't need to make excuses for yourself, you don't need to.

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Whatever it's one or the other, which one do you want?

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If it's this one, if I decide that that's what I want more, then I'm getting my ass out of bed and we're going to the gym.

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That's it.

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It's literally that simple.

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Don't allow yourself to make excuses.

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Excuses for yourself is like it's really damaging for your spirit.

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I don't think people understand that.

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Not for me, right?

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Yes, that doesn't feel good for me either, but for yourself, because when you make excuses for yourself, it's just like it's slime on your spirit.

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I just I don't.

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I don't love excuses.

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I don't even know.

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I'm doing it when I'm doing it, and that's the whole thing.

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You don't even realize it.

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We've all gotten to a place where we just let ourselves off of the hook over and over again and it is like making excuses and like, oh well, you know, I have this or I have stop, just stop.

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You can look yourself in the mirror and say I'm not doing it today, I don't want to go to the gym today because today I choose comfort.

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Okay, that's fine, you can absolutely do that.

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But don't make excuses about like, oh well, the kids need to be here and they don't do that.

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It's not good for you.

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Be accountable yourself.

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You know, when you're accountable to yourself, it's a game changer.

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It's a game changer.

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you get to, you get to make the rules like you, just have to be able to reset your life isn't running you, you're running your life.

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Own that shit, yeah you know what I mean?

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It's true, it's just it's little tweaks, like that little tweaks in your perspective and you sky's the limit, yeah a reset to me is is all not that I practice what I preach all the time?

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yeah, but for me, like a little reset, constantly trying to remind myself I can't get to that point, but I notice that I pull back at times and yeah, it's just a constant trying to improve and do better.

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Sure, sure, absolutely well, and if you have little life hacks, if you have little things where it's like do it, try that.

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Do the either or.

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Try the either or thing to yourself sometime, right?

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You know it's like with everything you can do, the either or all the time you know, Like I hack my own life all the time with stupid shit like that.

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Yeah.

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But it works.

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Breaking it down to be a math problem.

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Do I want this or this?

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Yeah a math problem.

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Do I want this or this?

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Yeah, take the emotion out of it.

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When you take the motion emotion out of things and make it a math problem, you can do anything right.

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It's again.

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It goes back to the emotional intelligence and you know, I don't, I don't want to, and you're giving yourself a pass and like all the shit that it brings up and whatever it's like.

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Take all that out of there yeah you're you're sabotaging yourself, making it harder than it has so unnecessary, so unnecessary so much easier to say it than it is to do it, though sometimes.

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Yeah, sure, because everything you always say like I, I, I love it.

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It's always such good info for life, but it's definitely hard to put it into practice.

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I think if you give yourself grace while you're doing it, because, honestly, I I do do that every morning that I have to get up at four so I can go to Pilates.

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That's some discipline, I don't have it is it's because I want something more than sleeping, more than snoozing, but it's just that thing right.

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I could make excuses for other things, um, but just that particular thing I want more than I want anything else at the moment.

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So that's one of the things I was going to ask you.

00:16:55.841 --> 00:17:11.237
Like you, you explained it, but for those of us who don't have the energy and the already work in years, work into it in discipline, it really is choose one or the other.

00:17:11.257 --> 00:17:13.680
It is With every single thing, with every single thing, right.

00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:14.864
Make it so that it's not.

00:17:14.864 --> 00:17:16.470
There's not endless possibilities.

00:17:16.470 --> 00:17:19.460
I want this or I want this Right.

00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:24.144
So, like my dentist said to me something about my gums, it made me feel like an old lady.

00:17:24.144 --> 00:17:25.603
I was like you're killing me.

00:17:25.603 --> 00:17:34.090
And so I I literally Dr Brandon, I put it, printed up a picture of his, put it on the mirror, got my water pick out there Cause I was so horrible about doing it.

00:17:34.090 --> 00:17:35.300
I'm like, oh, I'm going to be better sometime.

00:17:35.300 --> 00:17:36.102
I'm going to be better sometime.

00:17:36.102 --> 00:17:37.263
I'm going to be better, sometime Right.

00:17:37.263 --> 00:17:39.987
Obviously, what I'm doing is not working Right.

00:17:39.987 --> 00:17:42.089
So then I have to all right, what are we going to try?

00:17:42.089 --> 00:17:42.509
That's new.

00:17:43.310 --> 00:17:46.434
His picture up on my mirror made me laugh my ass off right.

00:17:46.434 --> 00:17:52.949
First of all Because in my head I'm thinking he's saying like you're going to have adult, whatever it was that he said, gingivitis or I don't even know.

00:17:52.949 --> 00:17:55.869
He was like this is leading if you don't take better care of your gums.

00:17:55.869 --> 00:17:59.263
And so at night long day, I don't want to.

00:17:59.263 --> 00:18:03.568
I brush my teeth night, right, but then water picking is another two minutes or whatever the hell.

00:18:03.568 --> 00:18:04.130
It is Right.

00:18:04.130 --> 00:18:15.260
So I would look at that face and I would say do you want the comfort of two minutes of right now extra?

00:18:15.280 --> 00:18:17.465
time in your bed, or do you want adult gingivitis?

00:18:17.465 --> 00:18:18.509
It's a one or the other.

00:18:18.509 --> 00:18:22.356
It's a math problem, it's not I'm tired and I don't want to, but hard to take the other one it is.

00:18:22.356 --> 00:18:23.219
It's like, it's like that's it.

00:18:23.239 --> 00:18:26.768
That's an easy choice, so we're, and now it's like, but normally it'd be so easy, like I'm just going to go lay in bed.

00:18:26.768 --> 00:18:27.549
Of course it is Whatever.

00:18:27.549 --> 00:18:28.311
Of course it is One night.

00:18:28.601 --> 00:18:29.385
Give yourself the option.

00:18:29.385 --> 00:18:45.479
Yeah, Look yourself in the mirror and say would you rather have two minutes of extra comfort or would you rather have, you know, adult gingivitis it is but for me it's like if that works, it works right, because I'm not, I'm not I.

00:18:45.479 --> 00:18:53.164
One of the things I used to do is like be not great to myself right inside, verbally, like not great to myself, and I won't do that to myself.

00:18:53.164 --> 00:18:57.463
But I will absolutely give myself choices, and to me it's that simple because it is.

00:18:57.805 --> 00:19:01.882
It's like if I'm not going to consistently water pick, that is what's going to happen.

00:19:01.882 --> 00:19:06.239
So it's just being mindful and aware of these.

00:19:06.239 --> 00:19:06.961
We all have choices.

00:19:06.961 --> 00:19:08.263
You know people.

00:19:08.263 --> 00:19:09.627
People think like you.

00:19:09.627 --> 00:19:10.569
We've talked about this before.

00:19:10.569 --> 00:19:12.102
People think I'm here because I'm lucky.

00:19:12.102 --> 00:19:14.446
Nothing to do with luck.

00:19:14.446 --> 00:19:17.760
I make the hard choices, I put the hard work in you know, lucky.

00:19:17.942 --> 00:19:23.771
Yeah, I am so, and I am so lucky and I know that I'm, and I am grateful and I really am, but it has nothing to do with luck.

00:19:23.771 --> 00:19:40.506
You know it's, it's I'm consistently making the choices that are the harder thing, and I don't mind doing the harder thing right, I watch people who throw a piece of trash at the trash can and it misses and they just leave and walk away.

00:19:40.526 --> 00:19:41.046
And I'm thinking are you?

00:19:41.066 --> 00:19:41.787
what do you mind?

00:19:41.787 --> 00:19:48.912
You know, but that's how people are and that, going to give credit to my dad for that, you know, to my folks for that, I'll do the hard thing every time.

00:19:48.912 --> 00:19:55.856
So just make it that, so that it's a one or the other Right, you know, makes it easier, makes it easier.

00:19:59.180 --> 00:20:00.320
So I don't feel like we've really got you very naked.

00:20:00.340 --> 00:20:03.984
No, I'm fully clothed still, and I would like to.

00:20:04.826 --> 00:20:13.896
I want to go back a little bit about what you said about how being nice to yourself and picking your teeth.

00:20:13.896 --> 00:20:35.152
So you're a beautiful woman inside and out, especially outside, and makeup and all hair did and all I want to know do you feel comfortable right now?

00:20:35.413 --> 00:20:38.505
No, no, we'll see you next week.

00:20:38.505 --> 00:20:47.048
We will see you next week because Lauren is going across the pond for a couple weeks and so we'll see how that looks.

00:20:47.048 --> 00:20:56.259
No, it's interesting to me because it's giving me an opportunity a little bit to even disassociate, which I find to be a really lovely thing for getting this thing started.

00:20:56.259 --> 00:21:27.825
Because, for those of you that don't know, I did not have dreams of having a podcast, but the big guy kind of hit me upside the head and said that that's, what you're doing is a podcast, and you would think that podcast would be something that you listen to, which is not apparently the case in 2024, and so um and so yeah, so no, I'm not comfortable, and and and I'm okay with that, because I lean into discomfort all the time.

00:21:27.825 --> 00:21:31.970
So I'm leaning into the discomfort of what that looks like.

00:21:32.851 --> 00:21:33.352
Gotcha.

00:21:36.415 --> 00:21:36.996
Come on, go ahead.

00:21:36.996 --> 00:21:37.520
Cheat sheet.

00:21:37.520 --> 00:21:38.583
I got my cheat sheet.

00:21:38.583 --> 00:21:39.685
I have some questions.

00:21:40.488 --> 00:21:45.268
I can't help it Listen this is how I am Take a cheat sheet.

00:21:45.327 --> 00:21:46.029
Let's see.

00:21:46.029 --> 00:21:51.942
I would like to know how do you think being vulnerable shapes the way you lead and inspire others?

00:21:54.065 --> 00:22:16.707
Um, I think vulnerability is everything and I think that, um, I was raised, uh, regardless of whether it was, you know, I've I've tried to break this down a little bit too regardless of whether it was intentional by my parents or not, intentional, or just what they brought to the table for for how they're raising their kids, or whatever, vulnerability was not really an option for me, for whatever reason.

00:22:16.707 --> 00:22:20.240
I felt like it was a sign of weakness and that was the last thing I was going to do.

00:22:20.240 --> 00:22:21.886
You know, I've always been a tomboy.

00:22:21.886 --> 00:22:28.301
I've always worked in construction not out in the field like swinging a hammer just for anyone who doesn't know me but always construction.

00:22:28.301 --> 00:22:32.689
I've always been the person that stuffs down emotions, don't deal with them, they're messy.

00:22:32.689 --> 00:22:39.325
So, you know, in the last eight years of really being able to show vulnerability, I realized the impact that that has.

00:22:39.325 --> 00:22:48.723
And when I talk to somebody either people that I know or people that I don't know and I lead with vulnerability, what comes back to me is like a wave of holy shit.

00:22:48.723 --> 00:22:53.192
You know, because I think people need that, that I think people need the connection.

00:22:53.192 --> 00:22:55.826
I think people need a deeper something.

00:22:55.865 --> 00:22:58.893
You know, I think when you say the hard things, the messy things.

00:22:58.893 --> 00:23:02.571
You know I've struggled in life with lots of stuff.

00:23:02.571 --> 00:23:03.294
Right, I'm not.

00:23:03.294 --> 00:23:04.859
I've struggled with being a parent.

00:23:04.859 --> 00:23:06.064
I've struggled with being a wife.

00:23:06.064 --> 00:23:07.287
I've struggled with being a friend.

00:23:07.287 --> 00:23:08.721
I've struggled with all of the things.

00:23:08.820 --> 00:23:23.721
And when you're able to speak about that in a way where it's not I'm not coming from a judgy place, I'm here now I, you know, this is my journey, you know, but when you're able to lead with that, it really is huge for other people, and so to me, vulnerability is everything.

00:23:23.721 --> 00:23:29.409
I understand that now and I'm so happy to have my eyes opened to that because I do think it makes a good leader.

00:23:29.409 --> 00:23:31.992
I think you know, obviously there's a time and place for everything.

00:23:31.992 --> 00:23:34.296
You're not just going to like bare your soul, you know.

00:23:34.296 --> 00:23:47.590
But when you can say the hard things to people and then they can say like, oh my God, that's incredible, and then also share their story back with you, right, and know that you're not going to judge them and know that you know they can be right where they are.

00:23:55.039 --> 00:23:56.084
I think it's powerful and so I understand that.

00:23:56.084 --> 00:23:57.169
How did you get over the fear of any judgment?

00:23:57.189 --> 00:23:57.912
I don't give a shit about judgment.

00:23:57.912 --> 00:24:01.904
You've never even like, from the very beginning, of just being vulnerable and sharing whatever.

00:24:01.904 --> 00:24:03.008
Like I'm not for everyone.

00:24:03.188 --> 00:24:20.464
I've told, I've told my kids that all the time, right, you know, I had the thing with with Emily when she went and stayed with my mom for you know, a few weeks because she was in trouble as a teenager and she came back and she's like grandma doesn't really like you very much and I'm like baby girl.

00:24:20.464 --> 00:24:22.132
I'm not for everybody, you know.

00:24:22.292 --> 00:24:24.580
I'm not for everybody, but the people that I am for.

00:24:24.580 --> 00:24:26.743
They ride hard for me and that's okay.

00:24:26.743 --> 00:24:29.307
So I don't mind being the person that people want to judge.

00:24:29.307 --> 00:24:31.109
It doesn't hurt feelings at all, like.

00:24:31.109 --> 00:24:31.891
This is who I am.

00:24:31.891 --> 00:24:33.752
This is take it or leave it.

00:24:33.752 --> 00:24:36.863
If you don't like what you know, if you don't like the channel, change it, right.

00:24:36.863 --> 00:24:39.333
Right, as I would do also right.

00:24:39.333 --> 00:24:40.457
Everyone's not for me either.

00:24:40.457 --> 00:24:47.605
So, understanding that it doesn't hurt my feelings, it hurts my feelings when people judge other people, you know, because I just think how unfortunate.

00:24:47.605 --> 00:24:51.554
You know how unfortunate for you, not the other person.

00:24:51.554 --> 00:24:55.426
The other person probably didn't even know you were judging them, but what a waste, what a waste of.

00:24:55.548 --> 00:24:56.269
What a waste of skittles.

00:24:56.269 --> 00:24:57.402
Do you know what I mean exactly?

00:24:57.402 --> 00:24:58.345
People don't get that like.

00:24:58.345 --> 00:25:08.306
Think about your day as like okay, here's your bowl of skittles, right, and you're driving to work, get pissed off and you're flipping somebody off and somebody cuts you off, and so throw a couple skittles right out the window.

00:25:08.306 --> 00:25:09.969
Know that that's what you're doing with your energy.

00:25:09.969 --> 00:25:10.971
Throw them right out the window.

00:25:10.971 --> 00:25:12.074
Know that that's what you're doing with your energy.

00:25:12.074 --> 00:25:12.734
Throw them right out the window.

00:25:12.755 --> 00:25:15.460
You get to work and something doesn't go right and oh shit, that person didn't do whatever.

00:25:15.460 --> 00:25:16.362
And you lose your cool.

00:25:16.362 --> 00:25:17.906
Throw a couple more Skittles right.

00:25:17.906 --> 00:25:28.930
Get to the end of your day and see how many Skittles you have left, because we all get the same amount of Skittles right and I'm going to reproduce my Skittles by exchanging energy and like doing things that like get you jazzed up.

00:25:28.930 --> 00:25:33.884
But if you didn't, and you only had the same amount of Skittles, you get to the end of your day.

00:25:34.059 --> 00:25:38.848
You've got your husband or your boyfriend or your kids or like whoever, how many Skittles do you have left?

00:25:38.848 --> 00:25:41.875
And when he comes to you and he's like hey, can we read a book or can we whatever?

00:25:41.875 --> 00:25:47.911
No, you can't because I threw your Skitt shit out.

00:25:47.911 --> 00:25:49.634
Well, that's on you again.

00:25:49.634 --> 00:25:53.320
Like, let's open our eyes, let's understand what we're doing with stuff.

00:25:53.320 --> 00:25:58.484
Right, put your head in the sand if you want to, but if you want to open your eyes, understand that that's exactly what you're doing.

00:25:58.484 --> 00:26:04.308
So when people cut me off see ya, have a great day I'm gonna give a shit.

00:26:04.308 --> 00:26:06.461
Maybe he's going through something, maybe he didn't see me.

00:26:06.461 --> 00:26:06.922
I'm not going to.

00:26:06.922 --> 00:26:07.824
You know who cares?

00:26:07.824 --> 00:26:11.651
Yeah Right, somebody wants to do something or get pissed off in a store or the.

00:26:11.651 --> 00:26:12.854
Have an excellent day.

00:26:12.854 --> 00:26:15.425
You can't fuck with a piece like this.

00:26:15.425 --> 00:26:16.248
You just can't.

00:26:16.248 --> 00:26:19.741
I put way too much work into finding peace can I intervene?

00:26:19.761 --> 00:26:28.134
yes, please do because, yes, the dogs at the mall, oh god I want everyone to go.

00:26:28.214 --> 00:26:31.465
I want to go on record and tell everyone I love the dogs at the mall.

00:26:31.465 --> 00:26:32.208
They are terrible.

00:26:32.208 --> 00:26:35.094
If you think you think that you should take your dog to the mall, you're out of your mind.

00:26:35.094 --> 00:26:39.551
I literally watched people walk through dog shit in the middle of Scottsdale Fashion Square the other day.

00:26:39.551 --> 00:26:42.769
Okay, whatever, have a great day.

00:26:42.769 --> 00:26:45.809
I was in the grocery store, dog literally pissing on me.

00:26:45.809 --> 00:26:48.002
I just can't get my head around it.

00:26:48.002 --> 00:26:55.615
I'm going to be this old lady that, like, orders her groceries and has them delivered, and I'll get my dose of humanity another place, because I just can't get my head around it.

00:26:55.615 --> 00:27:00.701
People are outrageous.

00:27:00.701 --> 00:27:01.323
They're out to lunch.

00:27:01.323 --> 00:27:03.248
I told some lady that her dog pissed on something and she's like he did not.

00:27:03.248 --> 00:27:03.729
I'm like I just okay.

00:27:03.729 --> 00:27:08.625
I called her a see you next Tuesday, and so that's probably like the last time I lost my cool about that situation.

00:27:08.625 --> 00:27:11.028
And then I like, maybe not.

00:27:11.028 --> 00:27:12.931
Maybe I should just not engage with people.

00:27:12.951 --> 00:27:15.615
I was gonna say how often do you lose your cool in those situations?

00:27:15.634 --> 00:27:17.483
you, know it gets less and less.

00:27:17.483 --> 00:27:18.586
It's less and less.

00:27:18.586 --> 00:27:20.932
Every every year that goes by, it's less and less.

00:27:20.932 --> 00:27:25.299
This was like maybe three or four years ago, and my girlfriend Cherie literally just crawled under the.

00:27:25.299 --> 00:27:32.609
I mean, she was so embarrassed though there was a dog that was in the grocery store in San Diego licking the hamburger meat, and I'm like like I could not stop myself.

00:27:33.030 --> 00:27:36.622
And then the lady got super defensive and I'm like, how are you getting defensive?

00:27:36.622 --> 00:27:38.346
It's your dog that's licking the hamburger.

00:27:38.346 --> 00:27:39.470
He didn't do that.

00:27:39.470 --> 00:27:41.101
I'm like of course he did, and it's not the dog's fault.

00:27:41.101 --> 00:27:42.343
I have a dog.

00:27:42.343 --> 00:27:43.944
It's not the dog's fault, it's the owner's fault.

00:27:43.944 --> 00:27:44.865
They're completely out to lunch.

00:27:44.865 --> 00:27:52.816
So but anyways, because I realize I'm spending Skittles Might as well, just go put them right in her hand.

00:27:53.319 --> 00:27:54.744
But there is a time and a place.

00:27:54.744 --> 00:27:55.648
Put them right in her hand.

00:27:55.648 --> 00:27:59.949
Don't you feel like there is a time and a place, though, to lose your cool sometimes, oh.

00:27:59.989 --> 00:28:01.553
I'll lose my cool, don't worry about it.

00:28:01.553 --> 00:28:03.539
If it's necessary, 1,000%.

00:28:03.539 --> 00:28:04.840
I'm intentional about it.

00:28:04.840 --> 00:28:06.001
Do you know what I mean?

00:28:06.001 --> 00:28:07.182
Very intentional about it.

00:28:08.063 --> 00:28:09.243
Oh yeah, at the Mexican restaurant.

00:28:09.243 --> 00:28:11.266
Yeah, that's the one I was trying to think of.

00:28:11.266 --> 00:28:13.007
Well, that guy was an asshole.

00:28:13.047 --> 00:28:15.848
You know, bullies really piss me off, Bullies really piss me off.

00:28:15.848 --> 00:28:16.910
So the ladies are talking about.

00:28:16.910 --> 00:28:18.230
We went to lunch a couple weeks ago.

00:28:18.230 --> 00:28:26.596
There's some dickhead in the you know, yelling at one of the waitresses and getting all whatever and I just about lost it.

00:28:26.596 --> 00:28:27.817
Don't do that.

00:28:27.817 --> 00:28:33.682
Don't do that.

00:28:33.682 --> 00:28:36.432
It's that really pisses me off and that I'll spend my skittles knowingly on thousand percent those skittles are.

00:28:36.452 --> 00:28:44.526
I'll throw them at that motherfucker like no problems, no problems I wish I could hold it together in those moments I want to speak up for those people, but I no, I'll speak up for those people and to me that's a, that's a.

00:28:44.526 --> 00:28:45.127
You know.

00:28:45.127 --> 00:28:48.445
Did you see how, how those ladies, their energy, changed totally?

00:28:48.445 --> 00:28:56.453
100 and that was and that was a direct great day direct reflection that could have really ruined their day and of your genes, of the genes exactly.

00:28:56.555 --> 00:28:56.976
Oh my gosh.

00:28:56.976 --> 00:29:00.586
Yes, they love your genes, so but you change that energy for them yeah, instead.

00:29:00.606 --> 00:29:01.809
Of it being like this horrible thing?

00:29:01.809 --> 00:29:02.761
It's ladies.

00:29:02.761 --> 00:29:03.705
You guys are rock stars.

00:29:03.705 --> 00:29:06.016
Don't worry about that asshole.

00:29:06.016 --> 00:29:06.719
Karma's gonna get him.

00:29:06.719 --> 00:29:07.901
You don't have to worry about a single thing.

00:29:07.901 --> 00:29:08.982
He's a miserable old man.

00:29:09.182 --> 00:29:09.683
Leave him alone.

00:29:09.683 --> 00:29:10.164
You know what I?

00:29:10.184 --> 00:29:19.286
mean it already has gotten him right, but being able to change that for somebody, thousand percent, I will intentionally use my Skittles to defend somebody else every time.

00:29:19.286 --> 00:29:24.403
Every time I'll go home with an empty bowl, no problems, you know.

00:29:24.403 --> 00:29:24.826
So it is.

00:29:24.826 --> 00:29:26.275
It's just being intentional about it.

00:29:26.275 --> 00:29:34.021
I'm not going to waste it on people that cut me off or people that you know whatever, I had a moment yesterday that I really had to remember my Skittles.

00:29:34.102 --> 00:29:34.723
Yeah, absolutely.

00:29:34.723 --> 00:29:39.401
Somebody cut me off and he waved really happily after, which really bothered me.

00:29:39.401 --> 00:29:43.351
Yeah, I, it would have been your response in that moment Exactly.

00:29:43.692 --> 00:29:44.922
Get curious, why does that bother me?

00:29:44.922 --> 00:29:49.761
That's my, that's my biggest thing in my, in my progress for this journey, right?

00:29:49.761 --> 00:29:53.148
Is I just get curious if, if something bothers me, why?

00:29:53.148 --> 00:29:56.724
Why, you know, julio came to me a couple of weeks ago.

00:29:56.724 --> 00:29:58.028
He had a work thing right.

00:29:58.028 --> 00:30:00.244
And he comes to me because he wants to be like be able to fire somebody.

00:30:01.147 --> 00:30:02.259
Poor Julio, he doesn't know what hit him.

00:30:02.259 --> 00:30:06.250
He says he says, uh, this guy did this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:30:06.250 --> 00:30:06.751
What should I do?

00:30:06.751 --> 00:30:08.532
I'm like, why does that bother you so much?

00:30:08.532 --> 00:30:09.853
And he looks at me.

00:30:09.853 --> 00:30:14.015
I'm like you should go home and get curious about why that really twerks you off.

00:30:14.015 --> 00:30:17.196
He left my office like with this dazed look on his face.

00:30:17.196 --> 00:30:21.337
But he came back the next morning and told me exactly what it was and it was deep shit, you know.

00:30:21.337 --> 00:30:24.423
But it's like, get curious about stuff, get curious.

00:30:24.423 --> 00:30:26.464
It's your job to fix the stuff right.

00:30:26.464 --> 00:30:34.114
I always say that your trauma that happened to you as a child is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix Right, right, I'm 47 year old, grown ass woman.

00:30:34.114 --> 00:30:41.480
I don't have an excuse to say like, oh, but my childhood was this and my childhood was that, yeah, but I haven't been a child for decades, right, right.

00:30:41.641 --> 00:30:43.442
I think we get used to using that as our.

00:30:43.462 --> 00:30:46.046
we totally do, and it goes back to the excuses.

00:30:46.046 --> 00:30:50.030
Right, right, excuses are very easy to say oh, but I was this when I was a child.

00:30:50.030 --> 00:30:50.471
I was beat.

00:30:50.471 --> 00:30:51.471
When I was a child, I was whatever.

00:30:51.471 --> 00:30:54.895
You can't come to my, to my front door, and tell me anything I haven't heard before.

00:30:54.895 --> 00:30:56.644
I've heard some really nasty, gross stuff.

00:30:56.644 --> 00:30:58.650
I have some really nasty, gross stuff myself.

00:30:58.650 --> 00:31:00.401
Right, there's no excuses.

00:31:00.401 --> 00:31:06.288
There's no, no excuses to blame the fact that you're a shitty adult on the fact that you can't figure out how to fix your shit.

00:31:06.448 --> 00:31:07.469
Right.

00:31:07.869 --> 00:31:10.532
I I know you're, that's a, that's a plate of food.

00:31:10.532 --> 00:31:11.875
I will push back every single time.

00:31:11.875 --> 00:31:12.434
No, thank you.

00:31:12.434 --> 00:31:21.954
If you're interested in fixing your shit, I will 1000% help you find the way Right, but not to make excuses and say, oh, I had things so rough.

00:31:21.954 --> 00:31:24.300
Yeah, we all have a sad story, right, and that's all it is as a story.

00:31:24.300 --> 00:31:30.528
You're the one who lets your mind hamster wheel.

00:31:30.528 --> 00:31:31.490
Stop it.

00:31:31.490 --> 00:31:34.494
Get out the hamster wheel, right, you have the power to do that.

00:31:34.494 --> 00:31:35.655
Just step out.

00:31:36.461 --> 00:31:38.760
I wish I could think of these things, though in the moment Sure.

00:31:39.143 --> 00:31:40.788
No, for sure, but it gets easier, right.

00:31:40.849 --> 00:31:40.970
Like.

00:31:41.290 --> 00:31:46.749
I I feel like I'm eight years in the making as far as all of this stuff and the analogies and the things that make sense to me.

00:31:46.749 --> 00:31:56.095
This stuff just comes to me right About the skittles and about the stupid shit, because for me it's like I need a visual right when I was talking about like picking up other people's stuff.

00:31:56.180 --> 00:32:01.641
This was early on, early on in my things, because I'm very much like oh, let me take that from you, I can do it easier than you.

00:32:01.981 --> 00:32:12.413
I had to envision like this big, bulky guy in a blue TSA shirt and like me trying to pick up somebody else's luggage and like, ma'am, put the other bag down, it's not yours, you know cause at the airport you can't just pick up somebody else's bag.

00:32:12.413 --> 00:32:20.290
I literally that guy lived in my mind for a long time to just help me realize that isn't my shit, I'm not picking it up, right?

00:32:20.290 --> 00:32:32.453
So, whatever it takes, these little life hacks, these little visuals, these little whatever it doesn't have to be this crazy big concept or these years and years of therapy just realizing like I don't want to carry other people's baggage around, then don't pick it up.

00:32:32.453 --> 00:32:38.608
And if you need something that helps you remind that, think of the big buff guy with the.

00:32:38.608 --> 00:32:46.007
You know, for me I always do like a whole visual he's got you know, he's like Tyler with the big ripped muscles and bulging shirt and, ma'am, put the, put the bag down.

00:32:46.287 --> 00:32:47.208
We'll have to ask you to leave.

00:32:47.269 --> 00:32:49.010
Exactly, right, exactly.

00:32:49.010 --> 00:32:50.853
I'm like, ah, it makes perfect sense.

00:32:50.853 --> 00:32:55.307
But those are the little life hacks that I talk about, you know, because for me that's what I needed and that's what worked.

00:32:55.307 --> 00:32:56.451
Yeah, it takes a while.

00:32:56.451 --> 00:32:58.085
It's not like you don't do this.

00:32:58.085 --> 00:32:59.209
It's about repetition.

00:32:59.209 --> 00:33:06.961
Right, it's consistently not picking up someone else's baggage, but if you have that little life hack to tell yourself, makes it easier.

00:33:08.065 --> 00:33:11.152
So you actually have been using that analogy for more than eight years.

00:33:11.451 --> 00:33:12.815
Oh yeah, long time, long time.

00:33:12.815 --> 00:33:14.338
The suitcase one yeah.

00:33:14.398 --> 00:33:16.527
Long time I remember forever ago.

00:33:16.527 --> 00:33:19.046
Where do you think you got that?

00:33:22.141 --> 00:33:23.005
That and the mask.

00:33:23.005 --> 00:33:24.425
The mask one too, yeah.

00:33:25.320 --> 00:33:28.490
Not the actual analogy, but when did you pick it up?

00:33:28.490 --> 00:33:29.623
What happened to you?

00:33:29.623 --> 00:33:32.431
In your life that you started using it.

00:33:39.019 --> 00:33:39.382
It was so long ago.

00:33:39.382 --> 00:33:40.164
It was so long ago, it was so long ago.

00:33:40.184 --> 00:33:40.827
I don't know the answer to that.

00:33:40.827 --> 00:33:42.012
I'd have to think about that trying to get you naked.

00:33:42.032 --> 00:33:52.559
I know well, I would love to get naked, but I just I can't remember whatever, whatever it was that did that so it was before um 70th, I think was it before 70th, I think Was it before 70th.

00:33:53.241 --> 00:33:54.226
We're right around then.

00:33:55.883 --> 00:33:57.067
I think before 70th.

00:33:57.488 --> 00:33:57.990
Yeah, I don't know.

00:33:57.990 --> 00:34:01.507
So what was happening at that time?

00:34:01.507 --> 00:34:06.481
We were all drinking heavily.

00:34:06.501 --> 00:34:13.204
Well, which is funny because you're already married, but even then before you've been.

00:34:13.204 --> 00:34:18.351
So you know, enlightened now like you still had good tips and you knew the little things like that.

00:34:18.621 --> 00:34:23.085
No, I've always been interested in figuring shit out and like doing better, and that's my whole life.

00:34:23.085 --> 00:34:25.867
It's like my competition is my yesterday version.

00:34:25.867 --> 00:34:33.226
You know so, but I don't remember what specifically it was that made me think of that, if there was something specifically, but it has been around for a long time.

00:34:33.226 --> 00:34:34.110
It's a hard nut to crack.

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:35.822
She is a hard nut to crack.

00:34:35.842 --> 00:34:37.327
Oh, you guys, get the big guns out.

00:34:37.327 --> 00:34:38.090
Keep it coming.

00:34:38.090 --> 00:34:39.764
Got a whole box of tissue over here.

00:34:39.764 --> 00:34:41.702
A whole sheet Rapid fire.

00:34:41.702 --> 00:34:45.431
If you need to, babe, let's see All right.

00:34:59.181 --> 00:35:01.286
I have one, but it's any one thing for anybody.

00:35:01.286 --> 00:35:02.971
Yeah, no, my that.

00:35:02.971 --> 00:35:06.704
My table of life is an important table, right, and I don't think it's any one thing ever.

00:35:06.704 --> 00:35:07.246
It's little.

00:35:07.246 --> 00:35:08.608
It's the marbles, right.

00:35:08.608 --> 00:35:12.835
I have the whole like empty jar, and the way that you and I build a relationship is that we put a marble in.

00:35:12.835 --> 00:35:15.592
You do something that's trustworthy or something that's whatever.

00:35:15.592 --> 00:35:17.983
You put a marble in, I put a marble in, you do something to screw me.

00:35:17.983 --> 00:35:18.827
We take a marble out.

00:35:18.827 --> 00:35:19.369
You know what I mean.

00:35:19.369 --> 00:35:23.824
And so it's just a buildup of marbles, you know.

00:35:23.864 --> 00:35:24.344
I don't think there's.

00:35:24.344 --> 00:35:26.007
There's one person who you broke up with.

00:35:26.007 --> 00:35:39.884
Yeah, what did she do?

00:35:39.884 --> 00:35:40.807
I think I know who you're talking about.

00:35:40.807 --> 00:35:41.692
You know she was so negative in my life.

00:35:41.692 --> 00:35:43.358
She just she was that person that wanted to like gossip about other people.

00:35:43.358 --> 00:35:46.003
I never felt good about my interactions with her.

00:35:46.003 --> 00:35:53.280
Um, you know, she came up to Colorado with my family and she was just not amazing in that situation.

00:35:53.280 --> 00:35:54.282
It was just one thing after another.

00:35:54.282 --> 00:35:56.530
I just didn't have a good feeling about a good read on that.

00:35:56.880 --> 00:35:58.925
She was somebody who didn't want to celebrate my wins.

00:35:58.925 --> 00:36:00.371
It didn't feel like to me, right?

00:36:00.371 --> 00:36:04.465
We were starting KMI and, and you know, we, I started from nothing.

00:36:04.465 --> 00:36:14.802
You know, for people who look at me now and say you're lucky, well, I was raised poor as shit and and I, you know, was a teenage mom who had two kids and, like, clawed my way to everything that I have right now.

00:36:14.802 --> 00:36:20.809
So if you're, you know, have a seat at my table and you're not going to celebrate my wins, you don't get a seat at my table anymore.

00:36:20.869 --> 00:36:21.230
Do you know what?

00:36:21.250 --> 00:36:25.224
I mean, and it almost felt like you know it was coming from a place of jealousy for stuff.

00:36:25.224 --> 00:36:26.224
So, that was just.

00:36:26.224 --> 00:36:27.507
I'm happy to break up with people.

00:36:27.507 --> 00:36:30.670
I don't have any problem with that and I don't just I won't ghost you.

00:36:30.670 --> 00:36:43.565
We'll sit down and have a conversation and I'll just let you know, like, and I, and it's not that I don't want her to eat, I just don't want you to eat at my table.

00:36:43.905 --> 00:36:47.951
That's it, you know what I mean, and that's a and that's a really important distinction too, because it's not like I wish bad on people.

00:36:47.971 --> 00:36:50.733
I just don't want you to eat at my table that I probably shouldn't, well then, ask them to leave.

00:36:50.733 --> 00:36:51.394
It's hard, though.

00:36:51.434 --> 00:37:01.275
It's a hard thing to break up with, not break up with somebody but you know what I mean Break up with a relationship of somebody that to me in my head, I think that's just how they are.

00:37:01.275 --> 00:37:06.329
I'm a very accepting, open-minded person, so it's hard to find boundaries.

00:37:06.369 --> 00:37:13.760
That's part of your growth, Because if I just kept people in my life and then made excuses for them that said that's just how they are, well then you get what you get Right.

00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:15.746
That's your life running you, not you running your life.

00:37:15.766 --> 00:37:17.286
Yes, and you get to make that choice as well.

00:37:17.500 --> 00:37:20.860
It's in one hand or the other, and know that that's your choice.

00:37:20.860 --> 00:37:22.081
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know.

00:37:22.983 --> 00:37:25.184
Yeah, she's tough, she is tough.

00:37:25.184 --> 00:37:27.572
Who's on the hot seat, you or her?

00:37:29.967 --> 00:37:30.949
She's not even sure.

00:37:30.949 --> 00:37:31.833
I don't know.

00:37:31.833 --> 00:37:33.722
I think I have my top off right now.

00:37:33.945 --> 00:37:35.090
You kind of put yourself there.

00:37:35.090 --> 00:37:41.697
So I want to ask you something specifically about the person you broke up with.

00:37:41.697 --> 00:37:49.016
Yeah, I'm not sure what's off the table for that.

00:37:49.744 --> 00:37:50.094
I don't think there's anything off the table for that.

00:37:50.094 --> 00:38:03.027
I don't think there's anything off the table for that, because you told me once that one of the main reasons why, probably you had to deal with a bit of jealousy there yourself, yeah.

00:38:03.387 --> 00:38:03.730
I did.

00:38:03.730 --> 00:38:11.130
I don't think that friends should sit on other friends' husbands' laps, that's just a thing.

00:38:11.130 --> 00:38:21.634
If I came in and Lauren was sitting on Cameron's lap, probably going to beat her ass and then ask her to leave as well, like I, just I don't deal with that well, because I would never sit on someone else's husband's lap.

00:38:21.634 --> 00:38:24.657
That just doesn't feel right to me, and so that was one of the things.

00:38:24.657 --> 00:38:26.905
You know, towards the end, that wasn't the straw.

00:38:26.905 --> 00:38:34.175
I mean, I think there was probably within three months after that that we did break up because I think you know I was pregnant.

00:38:34.175 --> 00:38:35.336
We were up at my mom's house.

00:38:35.336 --> 00:38:36.016
That was ended up.

00:38:36.016 --> 00:38:38.480
Maybe I wasn't pregnant, maybe she I don't remember Somebody was pregnant.

00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:41.909
We were up at my mom's house and that was kind of the final straw.

00:38:41.929 --> 00:38:45.228
But that jealousy component, definitely I don't.

00:38:45.228 --> 00:38:52.056
I don't do well with it and do well with it, and that's something that has been jealousy and insecurity or something that I'm tackling more recently.

00:38:52.056 --> 00:39:00.141
That's a 2024 project for me, because up until that point I haven't even been willing to admit that I have those things because they feel very shameful.

00:39:00.141 --> 00:39:02.731
Jealousy to me feels very shameful, you know.

00:39:02.731 --> 00:39:04.199
It feels like one of those which it is.

00:39:04.199 --> 00:39:08.873
It's a not shameful I don't mean it in that way but it's definitely like a low vibe emotion, right.

00:39:08.873 --> 00:39:10.637
And it's coming from what place?

00:39:10.637 --> 00:39:11.367
Right For me.

00:39:11.407 --> 00:39:16.431
I always want to know, I want to pull the full weed, I don't want to just mow the weeds, I want to know where does the jealousy come in?

00:39:16.431 --> 00:39:17.112
Right?

00:39:17.112 --> 00:39:17.594
What does that?

00:39:17.594 --> 00:39:18.746
Where does that stem from?

00:39:18.746 --> 00:39:26.047
And you know, I found out some stuff recently that happened, that just kind of come back into my awareness.

00:39:26.047 --> 00:39:27.971
That happened when I was 18.

00:39:27.971 --> 00:39:30.014
That had to do with a gal.

00:39:30.014 --> 00:39:35.478
That was really stemmed, you know, like a lot of jealousy and insecurity stemmed from that situation.

00:39:35.478 --> 00:39:39.815
Um, and so I'm definitely tackling those, those challenges.

00:39:39.815 --> 00:39:41.983
But yeah, that was definitely one of the one of the things.

00:39:41.983 --> 00:39:55.440
You know, there was a handful of things that that drove that for me and and I just don't sit on my husband's lap- so I have recently been expanding on my emotional vocabulary.

00:39:55.460 --> 00:40:07.514
Yeah, so in one of the resources that I was looking at, it says that you can get jealousy and envy envy confused.

00:40:07.514 --> 00:40:17.442
So was that, maybe not with your ex-girlfriend, but maybe before that?

00:40:17.442 --> 00:40:20.893
Was that truly jealousy or was it envy?

00:40:20.972 --> 00:40:25.753
It was truly jealousy and I know exactly the resource you're referring to and I understand the distinction, because it is.

00:40:25.753 --> 00:40:39.188
Envy is is more of a materialistic thing and jealousy is the fear of a loss of relationship or loss of a portion of something of a relationship or something that has to do with another person, and the loss of, you know, a part of that.

00:40:39.188 --> 00:40:41.998
So, yes, both of those things were definitely jealousy.

00:40:41.998 --> 00:40:46.715
So, um, yeah, and to me it's like where does that even stem from for me?

00:40:46.715 --> 00:40:51.471
Because you know, I've talked to other people and and it's like you know, I'll talk to Cameron about something.

00:40:51.490 --> 00:40:55.690
I'm like that doesn't make you jealous and he's like no, like he doesn't, doesn't even register for him.

00:40:55.690 --> 00:41:07.074
I'm so envious of that because it's like that's excellent to not even have that be a thing that you even register, you know, because it isn't just for him, right, it's not just, don't sit on my, my man's lap.

00:41:07.074 --> 00:41:10.057
I have that jealousy stuff will surface.

00:41:10.057 --> 00:41:13.527
That feeling that I get will surface with other people too, and we've talked about that before.

00:41:13.527 --> 00:41:22.719
As far as you being a friend and me not wanting to incorporate you in with other friends because I didn't want to lose my exclusive access to Belinda, do you know what I mean?

00:41:23.887 --> 00:41:30.771
It is, but isn't that ridiculous when you say it out loud, Because now I'm like I want all of my people to know each other and to be friends and to whatever.

00:41:30.771 --> 00:41:40.317
But so it isn't just, it isn't just in a in a love relationship, it's also in friendships, it's also in other things as well, but it's for me, it's unacceptable.

00:41:40.317 --> 00:41:43.614
It's a low vibe emotion that I don't want anything to do with and so.

00:41:43.614 --> 00:41:44.677
But you can't just mow it.

00:41:44.677 --> 00:41:56.967
If you're going to just mow the weeds, plan on them just growing right back, and so I'm very much a let's, let's journal about it, let's meditate on it, let's let that roll around in your in your subconscious and figure out where it stems from so that you can get it gone.

00:41:56.967 --> 00:41:59.512
So that's definitely a 2024 project.

00:42:00.054 --> 00:42:04.869
So that is um jealousy and envy.

00:42:04.869 --> 00:42:11.679
What about vanity, vanity, god, she's, she's giving it, she's giving it everything she's got isn't she?

00:42:11.880 --> 00:42:12.445
I'm trying.

00:42:12.445 --> 00:42:14.990
Yeah, vanity is uh I.

00:42:14.990 --> 00:42:19.378
I have spent my entire life having, um, people tell me how great I am.

00:42:19.378 --> 00:42:21.153
And that's not being cocky, that's just a fact.

00:42:21.153 --> 00:42:22.601
I was the prettiest one in my family.

00:42:22.601 --> 00:42:23.706
Oh, my god, you're so beautiful.

00:42:23.706 --> 00:42:26.650
All of this shit, right, uh, it is what it is.

00:42:26.650 --> 00:42:34.601
It definitely made me who I am not in a great way in some things, right.

00:42:34.905 --> 00:42:45.512
As I've gotten older, your stuff starts to not look like what it used to, and so aging for me is a hard thing, and I'm having to just give that over.

00:42:45.512 --> 00:42:48.315
You know, I always said like I'm going to have a facelift at 50.

00:42:48.315 --> 00:42:53.932
And then a really close friend of mine had a facelift and it didn't go well and I'm like I am not having a facelift at 50.

00:42:53.932 --> 00:43:00.164
And I used to get Botox and I used to get whatever, and it's like I don't want to pump poison in my face anymore.

00:43:00.164 --> 00:43:03.813
I don't want to do that, and so I'm working through vanity.

00:43:10.985 --> 00:43:13.012
It's definitely something that I've struggled with for a long time, just understanding that that was a.

00:43:13.012 --> 00:43:15.362
That was a thing for me, and my looks were always very important, and when you're aging, you don't really have a choice.

00:43:15.362 --> 00:43:28.898
Like you can fight the good fight, but if you're going to have the take, these stands of like I don't want to do Botox and I don't want to do a facelift, because to me, you know, facelift is great, except everyone starts looking like a cat and that's you know, not not everybody do whatever you want to do.

00:43:28.978 --> 00:43:34.652
It's not, that's not a judgmental thing, that's just what it is for me, that I see and I'm like I don't want to, I don't want to go down that road.

00:43:34.652 --> 00:43:42.318
So vanity is a also a project, an internal project that's coming at me like a freight train.

00:43:43.286 --> 00:43:47.802
So what have you learned out of growing in in that?

00:43:48.063 --> 00:43:48.724
into yourself.

00:43:48.824 --> 00:43:55.431
It has nothing to do with anything in, in that, into my outside has nothing to do with anything.

00:43:55.431 --> 00:43:56.976
So how do you work on your insight to those who are listening to?

00:43:56.996 --> 00:43:57.418
your inside.

00:43:57.418 --> 00:44:02.237
When you realize that the inside is is everything and the outside is just your shell, then it makes it just.

00:44:02.237 --> 00:44:05.648
Even that realization, that awareness makes it so that it's not that big of a deal.

00:44:06.389 --> 00:44:08.894
Say more, because that's still high, high level.

00:44:08.914 --> 00:44:09.797
Okay, so.

00:44:09.797 --> 00:44:21.355
So, if you're, if I look at the amount of good that I do in a day, right, I wake up in the morning and I, first of all, I giggle because I got another shot at it, which is excellent.

00:44:21.355 --> 00:44:29.215
You know, um, and I drive to work and I'm looking at the clouds and how great that is and waving at people that are flipping me off all of those things, right, like it's so great.

00:44:29.215 --> 00:44:32.769
But then you go through your day and you do all of these things.

00:44:32.769 --> 00:44:34.436
You have the impact on all the people that you do.

00:44:35.846 --> 00:44:48.088
If I'm looking in the mirror and I'm going like, oh, these wrinkles are really rough, well, I'm a way better person on the inside, right, so you just kind of reconcile it a little bit, you know, just make it so that it's not as important.

00:44:48.088 --> 00:45:01.777
You know, it's like I went we had this conversation before about like wrinkles in your forehead and like, okay, I'm not getting Botox anymore, am I getting bangs or am I getting a lot of hats, like a huge hat collection, you know, and it's like or just get over yourself, you know.

00:45:01.777 --> 00:45:08.592
And so, again, it's not, there's no magical trick, it's just continue like repetition of telling yourself that that shit's not important.

00:45:08.592 --> 00:45:12.538
The stuff that I do, the, the, that's the stuff that matters, right.

00:45:12.538 --> 00:45:23.155
It's not what do I look like, or you know, it's been important because it's been important, right, because of the fact that I grew up that way and I was always the pretty one and like all the things, right, just in my family for stuff.

00:45:23.744 --> 00:45:26.532
So I think if you just learn to love yourself, yeah.

00:45:27.012 --> 00:45:28.195
Yeah, no, those are.

00:45:28.195 --> 00:45:29.478
Those are big things right.

00:45:29.498 --> 00:45:40.588
Compassion for yourself and self-love those are things that I are actively working on as well because I have that same Darla voice that tells me, like your thighs are too big, you're this, doesn't have enough of this, you're this and that and whatever.

00:45:40.588 --> 00:45:45.527
But when you realize, like, externalize that, externalized Darla for our listeners.

00:45:45.527 --> 00:45:49.356
You know, darla, is that that bitch that runs around in your head?

00:45:49.356 --> 00:45:52.864
You know, darla, is that that bitch that runs around in your head just wreaking havoc?

00:45:52.864 --> 00:45:56.525
You know?

00:45:56.525 --> 00:45:57.931
And um, and Belinda named her and we have a picture of her.

00:45:57.931 --> 00:46:16.152
We'll have to put that up on the website so everyone can see what Darla looks like, cause she's a bitch, dirty, dirty whore, and um, but but just picture externalizing her, right, like so when she's saying those things to me, if I had Belindainda sitting on the couch and Belinda's, like you know, your thighs are pretty gross and if you could work on getting how long would I hang out with her?

00:46:16.152 --> 00:46:17.556
Not very long, right.

00:46:17.556 --> 00:46:18.690
How many times am I going to let her do that?

00:46:18.690 --> 00:46:20.210
Why would I let that live up here?

00:46:20.210 --> 00:46:22.427
That doesn't make any sense to me.

00:46:22.427 --> 00:46:26.472
Bitch bye, you know, and again, it doesn't happen overnight.

00:46:26.472 --> 00:46:31.056
But as soon as she starts talking, evict her as soon as she starts talking, and maybe she comes back in two minutes.

00:46:31.056 --> 00:46:41.394
Evict her Three minutes, evict her Until you get to the point where you have mental strength, where, as soon as she starts peeking around the corner, now I'm like just get the fuck out of here.

00:46:41.635 --> 00:46:42.681
You don't have any business here.

00:46:42.681 --> 00:46:44.545
I'm doing way too much important work.

00:46:44.545 --> 00:46:49.195
That has nothing to do with the size of my thighs or how many wrinkles I have in my face or like whatever.

00:46:49.195 --> 00:46:50.958
You're right, I have wrinkles in my face.

00:46:50.958 --> 00:46:51.900
I've had an excellent life.

00:46:51.900 --> 00:46:53.768
I've laughed so much.

00:46:53.768 --> 00:46:54.851
I have so many laugh lines.

00:46:54.851 --> 00:46:55.773
Excellent, earned them.

00:46:55.773 --> 00:46:56.655
Earned every one of them.

00:46:56.655 --> 00:46:58.057
You know what I mean.

00:46:58.057 --> 00:47:03.588
So it's just, it's being adult enough to like have that conversation with yourself of you know what.

00:47:03.588 --> 00:47:12.695
I'm not this gorgeous because I think the inside is compensating enough for what I'm losing on the outside.

00:47:12.695 --> 00:47:13.717
I'm not worried about it.

00:47:13.916 --> 00:47:14.998
I love that I do too.

00:47:15.239 --> 00:47:16.559
I love everything you just said.

00:47:16.559 --> 00:47:17.599
That was wonderful.

00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:19.041
Thank you Super.

00:47:19.161 --> 00:47:19.521
Thank you.

00:47:19.521 --> 00:47:24.846
What else you got?

00:47:24.846 --> 00:47:25.907
Are you running out of questions Did?

00:47:25.929 --> 00:47:27.572
Cameron, not give you anything, didn't give me any.

00:47:27.572 --> 00:47:29.577
It's hard for me.

00:47:29.577 --> 00:47:35.552
I don't know vulnerable questions to ask, because it's just not in my mind to ask them.

00:47:35.552 --> 00:47:40.833
Yeah, it's hard for me, so the questions I have are maybe too general.

00:47:41.635 --> 00:47:43.137
Right, well, belinda's doing good.

00:47:43.646 --> 00:47:43.967
She has.

00:47:43.987 --> 00:47:45.833
That look on her face and she's coming for it.

00:47:46.144 --> 00:47:47.250
She is doing great.

00:47:47.250 --> 00:47:50.811
Yeah, I, I, a lot of my questions have been asked.

00:47:50.811 --> 00:47:52.777
Yeah, really.

00:47:52.777 --> 00:47:54.407
Yes, they're all kind of together.

00:47:54.407 --> 00:47:59.094
Yeah, okay, no, I have one.

00:47:59.094 --> 00:48:18.954
I can ask a question um, have you ever been led with vulnerability with somebody and there was an unexpected support or connection through that, like, maybe you weren't quite expecting the outcome that you got out of it?

00:48:21.039 --> 00:48:26.673
that's a good question, you know, I don't.

00:48:26.673 --> 00:48:29.398
I don't know that I could say it like that.

00:48:29.699 --> 00:48:31.298
I don't think that there's been an unexpected anything.

00:48:31.298 --> 00:48:31.880
I think that every time I could say it like that, I don't think that there's been an unexpected anything.

00:48:31.880 --> 00:48:39.635
I think that every time I lead with vulnerability, I am pleasantly surprised, but like I realize that that's going to be the outcome.

00:48:39.635 --> 00:48:50.617
You know, I'm just surprised because it feels like so raw and open, right, because there's not really anything that's off the table for me to talk about with individual people.

00:48:50.617 --> 00:49:00.173
You know, it's like if I feel like that will help them in their journey to understand that somebody else has gone through that, you know, um, then I, then I love that.

00:49:00.173 --> 00:49:06.521
You know, one of the things that's really vulnerable or was really vulnerable for me was talking about raising my children.

00:49:06.521 --> 00:49:09.268
Um, because a lot of people think that that's off limits.

00:49:09.268 --> 00:49:13.259
Don Don't talk about me as a mom, you know, and they shield up around that situation.

00:49:13.940 --> 00:49:15.965
I take the complete opposite approach.

00:49:15.965 --> 00:49:18.110
I was not a great mom.

00:49:18.110 --> 00:49:18.992
You know what I mean.

00:49:18.992 --> 00:49:32.001
I was not a great mom to the girls and I every day, you know, do things to try to offset that by being a great mom now, but I always thought that it took a village.

00:49:32.001 --> 00:49:38.251
You know, when people talk to me about stuff and I share with them the different downfalls that I had as a mom.

00:49:38.291 --> 00:49:43.128
I think I connect with people the most in that way because I am very raw and open about the struggles that we had.

00:49:43.128 --> 00:49:52.657
You know, brittany had her set of challenges and I always, you know, raised Brittany to believe that she was a princess and that she never had to do anything.

00:49:52.657 --> 00:49:56.208
Well, excellent, except when you get to be an adult and she's like what do you mean?

00:49:56.208 --> 00:49:59.085
I have to go make my own money and do my own thing, you know so.

00:49:59.085 --> 00:50:05.806
So you know, and being accountable to her for missing out on a good chunk of her teenagers because I was drinking all the time.

00:50:05.806 --> 00:50:12.820
You know, I don't pretend to be a good mom in those and I am absolutely 100% accountable to my children for that.

00:50:12.820 --> 00:50:20.239
You know, we've had lots of difficult conversations, with crying and screaming and me holding space for them while they speak their truth.

00:50:20.239 --> 00:50:29.077
You know, and I think a lot of people are not willing to do that with their kids and to me I'm willing to do anything with my kids in order to have a relationship with them, because they're right.

00:50:29.077 --> 00:50:36.083
That may not be how I remembered those times, but that's definitely how they remember it and honoring their truth.

00:50:36.304 --> 00:50:53.512
You know, it's interesting because Brittany went to Chris and wanted to have a conversation where she thought she was going to come to him and tell him all these things that he did wrong when she was a child and she didn't get the response that she was looking for and he said it wasn't like that.

00:50:53.512 --> 00:50:59.315
It wasn't like that, you know, and it's like, well, that's her truth, right, like even in what's happening right now.

00:50:59.315 --> 00:51:05.166
We're going to walk away from this and you're going to have your memory of what happened right now, and I'm going to have mine and you're going to have yours.

00:51:05.166 --> 00:51:07.791
It doesn't make any of ours less valid, right?

00:51:07.791 --> 00:51:11.438
So so you, so you know her, her truth about what her childhood was.

00:51:11.885 --> 00:51:12.929
Hold space for that girl.

00:51:12.929 --> 00:51:13.773
You know what I mean.

00:51:13.773 --> 00:51:19.416
Allow her to grieve what she felt like she missed out on or what she felt like was done wrong to her, you know.

00:51:19.416 --> 00:51:41.757
So, when I am vulnerable with people about that, you know, emily is amazing, but Emily, she, she almost broke me that one, you know, and being willing to share that with other people, you know, um, when we were up at the Moxie thing, I shared with Rio, some of the struggles with Emily, uh, and just very vulnerable, right, because Emily is very wide open about things.

00:51:41.864 --> 00:51:44.047
She you can't, you can't startle that girl.

00:51:44.047 --> 00:51:52.157
She'll startle you every time, you know, with the words that come out of her mouth, because she's just that's how she leads, you know she's, she's a great teacher in that way.

00:51:52.157 --> 00:52:01.268
But, um, uh, you know, being able to share some of that stuff with Rio, I think it really connected us together because she realized I'm not going to judge you for how you raise your kids.

00:52:01.268 --> 00:52:13.019
If everybody woke up on the right side of the grass this morning, we call that a win, you know, because we had a lot of days with Emily that we didn't think we all were going to wake up on the right side of the grass and that's scary shit as a mom, you know Totally.

00:52:13.019 --> 00:52:14.972
It doesn't get worse than that, you know.

00:52:14.972 --> 00:52:24.559
And so for me to pretend like I didn't have a big part in that and just not being present for her, I had all the part in that.

00:52:24.559 --> 00:52:25.039
You know what I mean.

00:52:25.105 --> 00:52:39.673
I was not the mom that she needed me to be, that she needed me to be, but you know at that time being so involved with them even as close as I was with the family and the kids, and being so involved, it didn't appear from the outside that you weren't a good mom.

00:52:40.146 --> 00:52:40.969
I was a terrible mom.

00:52:41.445 --> 00:52:44.574
And looking back I can see some of those things.

00:52:44.574 --> 00:52:53.208
But to me in my mind it was like she's busy, she's got things going on, and there was a lot going on with Emily too, but it I never got that vibe.

00:52:53.208 --> 00:53:00.449
But I I wish I knew at the time that that was how you were feeling, because I wish I could have pretty good.

00:53:00.449 --> 00:53:07.432
I could have been there or at least been more aware of some of those feelings, because I'll tell you, I'll tell you, naked.

00:53:07.552 --> 00:53:12.175
We, we lived down in the condo and this was Mother's Day, emily's freshman year.

00:53:12.175 --> 00:53:14.990
I told Cameron to drop me off.

00:53:14.990 --> 00:53:16.054
He said what do you want for Mother's Day?

00:53:16.054 --> 00:53:17.811
I told him I was mad at everybody.

00:53:17.811 --> 00:53:18.773
Drop me off at the casino.

00:53:18.773 --> 00:53:24.735
Drop me off at the casino for Mother's Day, where I proceeded to just get loaded and spend the day gambling.

00:53:24.735 --> 00:53:29.432
The next morning woke up to a suicide note with Emily having slit her wrists.

00:53:29.432 --> 00:53:32.559
Yeah, yeah, do you think that's her fault?

00:53:32.559 --> 00:53:33.889
Not a chance, right?

00:53:33.889 --> 00:53:37.550
I was so not present, I did not have a cup.

00:53:37.744 --> 00:53:39.452
My cup had holes in the bottom of it.

00:53:39.452 --> 00:53:40.668
I didn't even know that.

00:53:40.668 --> 00:53:46.583
You're supposed to block the holes, right, but being accountable to those children for that stuff?

00:53:46.583 --> 00:53:50.875
Right, because I was a fun drunk so I didn't understand, right?

00:53:50.875 --> 00:53:54.530
I mean, I wasn't present, I wasn't plugged in, right.

00:53:54.530 --> 00:54:00.172
Those are big things to be accountable for, right, we can do hard things.

00:54:00.713 --> 00:54:04.815
I've stood in front of both of my daughters on numerous occasions and I will take whatever they want to dish out.

00:54:04.815 --> 00:54:15.226
When it comes to that, I will answer it, I will hold them while they cry, I will acknowledge, I will apologize and I will continue to make amends to them every single day because I have amazing relationships with my daughters.

00:54:15.226 --> 00:54:18.153
But it's not their fault and I'm not defensive about that.

00:54:18.153 --> 00:54:19.505
Right, everybody has their peace.

00:54:19.505 --> 00:54:21.891
But own your peace, right.

00:54:21.891 --> 00:54:32.467
When you do that, when you own and are accountable for your actions and things and the actions that that, you know the outcomes that that had, god, that's powerful, you know that's powerful.

00:54:32.467 --> 00:54:34.893
Yeah, it's hard, god, I've cried and I've.

00:54:34.893 --> 00:54:36.137
You know all of the things.

00:54:36.137 --> 00:54:38.009
But do those things.

00:54:38.009 --> 00:54:40.434
It makes you a better person, you know.

00:54:40.514 --> 00:54:42.967
Look yourself in the mirror and do the hard things.

00:54:42.967 --> 00:54:47.005
Be accountable to yourself for the bullshit that you did, that you put yourself through that.

00:54:47.005 --> 00:54:47.766
You put them through.

00:54:47.766 --> 00:54:49.210
I put myself through more.

00:54:49.210 --> 00:54:55.208
You know I've dealt with stuff in my life where I've told Cameron if you think I broke somebody else's heart, I broke mine 10 times as much.

00:54:55.208 --> 00:54:56.413
I guarantee you right.

00:54:56.413 --> 00:54:58.226
This is not easy for me to do to myself.

00:54:58.226 --> 00:55:05.530
It's not a justification, but I have to be accountable to myself as well for the shit that I'm doing to myself, for the shit that I dragged myself through.

00:55:05.530 --> 00:55:09.797
You know, coming out on the other side, I'm way better person.

00:55:09.797 --> 00:55:10.478
I love it.

00:55:10.478 --> 00:55:11.360
I really love it.

00:55:11.545 --> 00:55:13.733
You know, but you have to do that hard work to get to that point.

00:55:15.005 --> 00:55:26.480
You were amazing back then and you're amazing now, and I think it's just great that you've worked so much on yourself, because to me at the time, you couldn't have gotten any better.

00:55:26.985 --> 00:55:34.197
I just want to point out to you, ladies, I have a dry tissue here and we're two minutes out, so I'm going to wrap it up, so try harder next time.

00:55:34.197 --> 00:55:37.264
No, this is.

00:55:37.264 --> 00:55:38.365
This has been really lovely.

00:55:38.365 --> 00:55:42.998
I appreciate you guys coming up with with great questions and um and it is.

00:55:42.998 --> 00:55:45.210
All of this is vulnerable and I think you know the.

00:55:45.331 --> 00:55:56.067
The hope with doing this podcast is that it helps people connect, it helps people think about things, it helps people figure out how to put those life hacks into their own life and be able to be the better versions of themselves.

00:55:56.067 --> 00:56:02.507
Again, I, you know, my suggestion is always your yesterday is your competition.

00:56:02.507 --> 00:56:09.172
You know, don't compare yourself to other people, just try to be better than your yesterday, and that's a pretty and that's a pretty powerful thing.

00:56:09.172 --> 00:56:12.027
So so for this week, that's going to be my may.

00:56:12.027 --> 00:56:19.217
I suggest, you know, being able to just really visualize that and understand that you're not competing with somebody else.

00:56:19.217 --> 00:56:25.184
You don't need to judge somebody else or think that somebody has something better than you do, or you need to have that really evaluate.

00:56:25.184 --> 00:56:31.269
Yesterday is your yesterday version is your competition, and then let that be what motivates you.

00:56:31.269 --> 00:56:36.733
So for everybody anybody that has suggestions, questions?

00:56:36.733 --> 00:56:41.637
Our email address is ladies at letsgetnakedpodcastcom.

00:56:41.637 --> 00:56:44.559
And I think that's it.

00:56:44.559 --> 00:56:45.181
Let's wrap it up.

00:56:45.181 --> 00:56:46.661
Thanks, ladies.

00:56:46.661 --> 00:56:55.336
Thank you, love you.

00:56:55.336 --> 00:56:57.581
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

00:56:57.581 --> 00:57:00.846
Let's get naked.