Navigating Past Traumas, Strengthening Connections, and Embracing Resilience

WEBVTT

00:00:07.171 --> 00:00:08.913
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

00:00:08.913 --> 00:00:09.994
Let's get naked.

00:00:09.994 --> 00:00:15.471
Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast.

00:00:15.471 --> 00:00:18.440
Today we are getting naked with Belinda and a bunch of other people.

00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:19.882
We have a bunch of different scenarios that we're going to talk about.

00:00:19.882 --> 00:00:20.923
Bunch of other people.

00:00:20.923 --> 00:00:24.327
We have a bunch of different scenarios that we're going to talk about.

00:00:24.327 --> 00:00:39.423
We're debuting something that we're going to try, that we're going to call WACT, which is W-W-A-K-D and stands for what Would Ann Carber Do?

00:00:39.444 --> 00:00:45.200
So we've kind of had this you know, running joke over the years with some of the people that are in my life that throw out different scenarios and and or say you know, what would Ann Carber do?

00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:50.607
So we're going to see if that's podcast worthy and I can't wait to find out.

00:00:50.607 --> 00:00:57.168
So Belinda is here to kind of read the different scenarios and then I'm going to tell you what I would suggest.

00:00:57.168 --> 00:01:06.552
And I don't know what any of these scenarios are, and so maybe show me some grace as I stumble through giving advice on this stuff.

00:01:06.552 --> 00:01:11.010
So, b, you want to throw one out there and we'll see how this goes Sure.

00:01:11.150 --> 00:01:17.316
I'd like some grace also, because I have not read these, so we'll see Test my reading skills Absolutely.

00:01:17.376 --> 00:01:21.368
And a big thanks to Casey, because Casey's the one that put all of this stuff together.

00:01:21.368 --> 00:01:25.820
You know she's, she's my right hand and I don't know what I would do without her.

00:01:25.820 --> 00:01:27.063
So big shout out to her.

00:01:27.504 --> 00:01:27.885
I agree.

00:01:28.046 --> 00:01:28.307
Yeah.

00:01:28.727 --> 00:01:29.088
Perfect.

00:01:29.088 --> 00:01:33.909
So the first one that I'm going to read says I am a woman in my late thirties.

00:01:33.909 --> 00:01:38.423
I have had a few failed relationships in marriage that ended in divorce.

00:01:38.423 --> 00:01:41.790
At one point I juggled three lovers at one time.

00:01:41.790 --> 00:01:48.513
I like being in a committed relationship, but I have yet to be faithful to any partner I have ever dated.

00:01:48.513 --> 00:01:54.733
In my teens I was raped by an 18-year-old guy and molested by a man who was in his 40s.

00:01:54.733 --> 00:01:58.709
I received counseling and therapy started in my late 20s.

00:01:58.709 --> 00:02:02.909
I love the thrill of meeting someone new and learning what they want.

00:02:02.909 --> 00:02:07.763
For a little while I mimic and mirror the emotions and make them fall in love.

00:02:07.763 --> 00:02:12.282
Then I get bored and I move on to the challenge of conquering the next man's heart.

00:02:12.282 --> 00:02:16.379
I don't want to continue being a cheater, but I lose interest in lovers quickly.

00:02:16.379 --> 00:02:18.204
I crave the thrill of the chase.

00:02:18.204 --> 00:02:23.212
How can I learn to be faithful and not be so fickle in love?

00:02:23.252 --> 00:02:24.415
and not be so fickle in love.

00:02:24.415 --> 00:02:32.854
This is an excellent question and, I think, much deeper than she probably realizes.

00:02:32.854 --> 00:02:36.568
So lots of good information in that.

00:02:36.568 --> 00:02:50.627
As far as stuff that happened in her past, I would suggest, even though she says she went through therapy, I feel like that's probably uh, maybe surface level stuff, right, because she needs to heal the underside level of that.

00:02:50.687 --> 00:03:21.582
So you know, when you don't have a full cup, when you don't have uh, ways that you validate yourself, then you find validation outside from sources that are not necessarily healthy, right, but but you don't have you kind of don't have control of that situation because at that point you're just taking nuggets and crumbs from people that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but that's what fills your cup and even though you may have holes in the bottom of your cup, it feels really good when someone new pays attention to you.

00:03:21.582 --> 00:03:30.872
You know, when she says I'm working on making somebody fall in love with me or really, you know, become a fan of who she is, and then you get tired of that.

00:03:30.872 --> 00:03:34.294
Yeah, it's because you're literally feeding off of crumbs from people.

00:03:34.294 --> 00:03:42.062
You know, in the situation of that being a question from a woman and having that from a man, it's really easy to get attention from men.

00:03:42.062 --> 00:03:51.258
And when that kind of is what you're using to fill your cup, you got to go all the way down to why is your cup not full from stuff that you're doing?

00:03:51.258 --> 00:03:51.520
Right?

00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:54.448
Because at that point then you don't need outside validation from other people.

00:03:54.448 --> 00:04:01.420
It takes the cheating element out of it entirely and it puts you back in control of what you're using to fill your cup.

00:04:01.580 --> 00:04:06.790
So I think she probably doesn't even realize that those nuggets of you know men where it's.

00:04:06.790 --> 00:04:10.810
Oh, they think you're amazing and like all of the, of course they do right, like beautiful women.

00:04:10.810 --> 00:04:12.740
Of course you know men think they're amazing.

00:04:12.740 --> 00:04:36.161
But when you use those crumbs and I did that for a long time too, when my when I didn't realize that I was supposed to provide my own validation, that it was important for me to make myself happy that I could do that I spent a lot of time actually really finding importance in people thinking that I was amazing and creating a whole thing about creating and fans and, like you know that, getting a thrill out of doing that.

00:04:36.161 --> 00:04:50.572
But it's you don't have to do that, but you do have to do the work to kind of fix the underside piece of that in yourself to stop the cup from leaking, you know, and figure out the things that actually fill the cup so that you're not going to outside sources for validation.

00:04:51.339 --> 00:04:53.624
Yeah, I think I get out of.

00:04:53.624 --> 00:05:01.504
All of that is is she really hasn't recognized and hasn't recognized that she needs to do the work on herself.

00:05:01.504 --> 00:05:03.312
Yeah, so that none of that matters Absolutely and it wouldn't even be a thing.

00:05:03.312 --> 00:05:08.410
And then it doesn't work on herself, so that none of that matters Absolutely and it wouldn't even be a thing and then it doesn't right, and that's the whole thing.

00:05:08.500 --> 00:05:21.687
I've looked at the progression of myself over time, right, and it used to be very important to me that you know people thought I was amazing and whatever and I just couldn't care less now, and not in a bad way, like obviously you still want people to like you and to think you're great and whatever.

00:05:21.687 --> 00:05:37.362
But when you're not using those, those crumbs, you know, when you see it from the outside it feels kind of gross just because you are using those crumbs to kind of like put in your cup, because your cup is empty, and that feels great and that feels important.

00:05:37.362 --> 00:05:42.526
But when you realize you don't need to do that, there's other ways to do that it's, it's pretty powerful.

00:05:42.908 --> 00:06:10.187
So so not in a comparison way I'm not comparing myself to this woman but, uh, having an experience recently, a gross situation and knowing and feeling the work that I have done and I was able to just put it into it was so fulfilling, like that was so strong, I was like yeah, yeah, because normally you would have taken those crumbs.

00:06:10.449 --> 00:06:11.293
Yes, you know what I mean.

00:06:11.293 --> 00:06:12.540
You would have taken those crumbs.

00:06:12.540 --> 00:06:14.324
And it's nothing against the guy, right?

00:06:14.324 --> 00:06:15.668
It really is nothing against the guy.

00:06:15.668 --> 00:06:18.766
He's just there to be a teacher for whatever that lesson is, for stuff.

00:06:18.766 --> 00:06:26.307
But for you to be able to have done the work or, you know, started on the journey of the work and realize this isn't what I need to validate me or to whatever.

00:06:26.528 --> 00:06:33.512
that's right, god, that's powerful it's like way powerful, it feels so good yeah and good luck in unpacking all of that stuff.

00:06:33.552 --> 00:06:36.682
Because that's, you know, having sexual trauma as a child.

00:06:36.682 --> 00:06:44.930
You say you do therapy and whatever, but there's still a lot, of, a lot of gross work that kind of has to go to a lot excavate that.

00:06:44.949 --> 00:07:02.043
I feel like I took the the crash course, yeah well and understanding like you have to fill your own cup, you know, I mean, I think I think that just goes down to the basics for stuff, and if people don't understand that they are a container that needs to be full, and it helps them, uh, really kind of operate their life at an optimal level.

00:07:02.043 --> 00:07:13.252
If you're, if you're empty or if you're not full and and it does, then come out sideways where you're accepting crumbs from people, and that's the cheating.

00:07:13.252 --> 00:07:15.706
That's the cheating stuff, that's low vibe stuff.

00:07:15.706 --> 00:07:16.629
And again, no judgment.

00:07:16.629 --> 00:07:17.290
We've all been there.

00:07:17.290 --> 00:07:17.822
It's not.

00:07:17.963 --> 00:07:27.093
That's not where I'm coming from at all, but definitely understand that there's a choice for that and it's not just about gritting through and saying, okay, I'm not going to do something on impulse.

00:07:27.093 --> 00:07:31.569
If something comes up, I'm really going to grit through it and make the right moral decision.

00:07:31.569 --> 00:07:33.380
It's so much deeper than that, really.

00:07:33.380 --> 00:07:36.846
It's so much deeper than that Because you'll just continue to repeat those patterns.

00:07:36.846 --> 00:07:47.045
If your cup isn't full, because you don't have a choice, you have to be getting those little nuggets from somewhere and and it it will easily come from other men giving you attention and paying.

00:07:47.045 --> 00:07:50.521
You know, paying attention to you and having you make bad decisions based on that.

00:07:51.303 --> 00:08:01.524
I love that we're on the other side of things, cause we can passionately say, oh my God, it's so much better on this side, it's so much better on this side, absolutely, and also like no judgment, like we've, we've, we've.

00:08:02.307 --> 00:08:13.214
I have not a judgment mental bone in my body when it comes to that kind of stuff, because it's like I've been in the trenches, I understand all the things, and it's like I just, I just want to I just want to share the information.

00:08:13.276 --> 00:08:15.041
I want to share the knowledge that people don't realize.

00:08:15.041 --> 00:08:20.262
Because I didn't realize about the cup thing, I didn't realize that I ran on empty for a really long time.

00:08:20.262 --> 00:08:24.408
And then it makes you know outside validation really seems important.

00:08:24.408 --> 00:08:27.213
I don't need outside validation from anybody anymore.

00:08:27.213 --> 00:08:32.690
You know, it is still nice to have people say that they're proud of you or like all of those things, but I don't need that to function.

00:08:32.690 --> 00:08:36.126
And before it was like it's almost like you glom onto that.

00:08:36.267 --> 00:08:51.804
You know, those little nuggets of stuff, those crumbs that people throw you um seems so important, but when your cup is full it's like great, that's lovely and thank you for the compliment.

00:08:51.804 --> 00:08:53.272
But it's not necessary for you to continue to be who you are, you know.

00:08:53.272 --> 00:08:54.638
So it is really powerful to do the work and get yourself right.

00:08:54.638 --> 00:08:56.961
Fix your shit, you know, yep, Fix your shit, fix your shit.

00:08:57.120 --> 00:08:59.761
For sure it's lovely.

00:08:59.761 --> 00:09:01.802
Okay, ready for the next one.

00:09:01.822 --> 00:09:03.344
Yeah, I am, that was good.

00:09:03.344 --> 00:09:05.725
I mean, that was a good warm-up question, that was pretty Very good.

00:09:05.784 --> 00:09:07.005
Yeah, Okay.

00:09:07.005 --> 00:09:13.109
So I am happy, Decidedly single woman with a large group of friends who are all married.

00:09:13.109 --> 00:09:20.851
Most of us grew up together and all of us have been like extended family for the past 25 years.

00:09:20.851 --> 00:09:25.193
This year, one of the wives lost three family members within three months.

00:09:25.193 --> 00:09:29.755
This has been devastating to her of course, as well to all of us.

00:09:29.755 --> 00:09:33.937
As we watched her struggle to regain her footing in her new reality.

00:09:33.937 --> 00:09:37.383
I know firsthand the pain she is living.

00:09:37.383 --> 00:09:40.871
My problem is she started accusing me of having an affair with her husband.

00:09:40.871 --> 00:09:45.350
Nothing could be further from the truth.

00:09:45.350 --> 00:09:52.591
I'm torn between trying to remember she is angry and lashing out from her losses and being deeply insulted and angry at her.

00:09:52.591 --> 00:09:56.227
I have done nothing inappropriate, nor has her husband.

00:09:56.227 --> 00:09:59.081
I am shocked that she could think such a thing.

00:09:59.081 --> 00:10:02.508
We see each other often and I don't know how to treat her.

00:10:04.051 --> 00:10:05.033
How long have they been friends?

00:10:05.033 --> 00:10:05.614
Like decades?

00:10:05.614 --> 00:10:06.140
Is that what she?

00:10:06.160 --> 00:10:07.806
said yeah, like 25 years.

00:10:08.126 --> 00:10:09.871
Yeah, I would say, don't take it personally.

00:10:09.871 --> 00:10:13.586
Yeah, you know, like that's a, that's a whole thing.

00:10:13.586 --> 00:10:18.787
You just you just laid out all of the reasons why you should show your friend Grace in that situation.

00:10:18.947 --> 00:10:19.629
Do you know what I mean?

00:10:19.649 --> 00:10:22.163
She's not, she's not coming from a good place.

00:10:22.163 --> 00:10:27.972
So answering that and just reassuring her that that's not what's going on, you know, if she keeps accusing you, that's different right.

00:10:27.972 --> 00:10:37.291
If somebody accuses you of something and you address it appropriately and say I'm sorry that you feel that way but, knowing, you know, for the gal that's asking the question, it has nothing to do with her.

00:10:37.291 --> 00:10:38.542
Do you know what I mean?

00:10:38.542 --> 00:10:39.964
Yes, it has nothing to do with her.

00:10:39.964 --> 00:10:40.485
That's.

00:10:40.485 --> 00:10:42.469
That's part of the not taking stuff personally.

00:10:42.548 --> 00:10:44.010
That gal is going through a hard time.

00:10:44.010 --> 00:10:45.754
Everything in her world is upside down.

00:10:45.754 --> 00:10:46.416
You know what I mean.

00:10:46.416 --> 00:10:53.312
So so if that's somebody that you have a great friendship with and you and you value that, how do you treat her exactly the same?

00:10:53.312 --> 00:10:56.370
Assure her one time about that situation.

00:10:56.370 --> 00:11:01.192
You don't have to placate to her and try to make her feel better or like change your behavior, change your activities.

00:11:01.192 --> 00:11:07.230
If you and the husband aren't doing anything wrong and you answer the questions to her that you're not, then don't do anything different.

00:11:07.230 --> 00:11:11.768
She needs you to be solid and to not, you know, do things different because of that.

00:11:11.827 --> 00:11:14.884
You know, if you take it personally and then you start modifying your behavior.

00:11:14.884 --> 00:11:24.464
It makes you look guilty as hell right you know, like do do nothing, but but definitely reassure her and and then her grace For sure, you know.

00:11:25.144 --> 00:11:29.628
Yeah, she seems very, very sad right now.

00:11:30.269 --> 00:11:32.070
Yeah, and needs the support of her friends.

00:11:32.070 --> 00:11:32.551
That's a terrible thing.

00:11:32.551 --> 00:11:34.471
I mean, that's what friends are supposed to be there for.

00:11:34.471 --> 00:11:43.462
You know, you look at, like, what friendships are nowadays and it's kind of sad the depth of friendships, because they're not very deep.

00:11:43.462 --> 00:11:47.710
I want friends that I'm going to go through, you know, three losses in a couple of months.

00:11:47.710 --> 00:11:51.604
I need friends that are going to be in the trenches with me and hold space for me.

00:11:51.604 --> 00:11:55.121
You don't have to say anything, just be there, hold space for somebody.

00:11:55.121 --> 00:11:55.764
You know what I mean.

00:11:55.764 --> 00:12:00.621
And that doesn't mean you take things personally and make it about you and it has nothing to do with you.

00:12:00.621 --> 00:12:03.306
Her thinking that you're cheating with her husband has nothing to do with you.

00:12:03.306 --> 00:12:05.610
She's probably so fucked up she doesn't know which way is up.

00:12:05.610 --> 00:12:07.633
Yes, you know.

00:12:08.274 --> 00:12:20.650
I, um, you keep saying in the trenches and I just keep getting this vision of just some army movie I saw and guys were literally in trenches and one guy was holding their hands and literally that's what you're doing.

00:12:20.650 --> 00:12:24.586
Yeah, like it's so crazy, it is when you realize, so good, I heard.

00:12:24.667 --> 00:12:34.403
I also heard something the other day too, where it was talking about you know when you need to hold space for a friend or when you have somebody that really needs you and the topics are bigger and bigger and bigger.

00:12:34.403 --> 00:12:39.563
Right, when you're dealing with when your friend loses three family members, that's big shit, he said, the bigger.

00:12:39.563 --> 00:12:46.664
The problem is that your friend is going for the words you say they don't need you to say everything's going to be okay, this will whatever.

00:12:46.664 --> 00:12:47.888
Just hold space for them.

00:12:47.888 --> 00:12:48.610
You know what I mean.

00:12:48.610 --> 00:12:49.982
Hold them when they cry.

00:12:49.982 --> 00:12:52.312
Just be there, be present for stuff.

00:12:52.352 --> 00:12:57.750
You don't have to say a bunch of stuff, because people are always like, well, I don't know what to say, people don't need you to say anything.

00:12:57.750 --> 00:12:58.419
Do you know what I mean?

00:12:58.419 --> 00:13:00.163
You just went through a whole huge thing in your life.

00:13:00.163 --> 00:13:01.804
Did you really need me to say a whole lot?

00:13:01.804 --> 00:13:02.767
No, just be there.

00:13:02.767 --> 00:13:06.572
Be there to say, come over, I'm coming over, let's go somewhere, like whatever it is.

00:13:06.572 --> 00:13:08.855
Just be there to hold space for your friend.

00:13:08.855 --> 00:13:11.629
You don't have to, you don't have to be an expert in knowing all that stuff.

00:13:11.629 --> 00:13:12.110
Just be there.

00:13:12.110 --> 00:13:18.464
You know exactly, yeah, and don't make it, don't take it personally and don't make it about you that's the thing, right?

00:13:19.807 --> 00:13:21.650
um, okay, let's see you want to go to the next one.

00:13:21.650 --> 00:13:23.735
Yeah, I'm excited that one was also good.

00:13:23.735 --> 00:13:25.440
Yeah, that's a lot of a lot of nuggets in there.

00:13:25.561 --> 00:13:27.618
Well, that's a lot of emotions that's wrapped up into that.

00:13:27.618 --> 00:13:29.748
It is, you know you read that question, but you think about that.

00:13:29.748 --> 00:13:31.888
You know, put yourself in those shoes.

00:13:31.888 --> 00:13:35.644
I can't imagine feeling like you and Cameron were screwing around together.

00:13:35.644 --> 00:13:40.969
I feel like I would feel devastated my life long enough.

00:13:40.969 --> 00:13:43.731
You've been in my life almost 30 years and Cameron's in my life long enough.

00:13:43.731 --> 00:14:00.607
If, if I asked that question, you answered it, then I'm going to believe that and and if, if you know, shame on you guys.

00:14:00.607 --> 00:14:02.668
If that's a situation that's happening, that's that's not about me.

00:14:02.668 --> 00:14:03.149
You know what I mean.

00:14:03.149 --> 00:14:04.551
At that point I haven't done anything wrong.

00:14:04.551 --> 00:14:04.951
It's not about me.

00:14:04.951 --> 00:14:06.613
So you know, don't make it personally-so and whatever.

00:14:06.613 --> 00:14:08.254
Don't do that, don't do that.

00:14:08.254 --> 00:14:08.914
Friends don't need that.

00:14:08.914 --> 00:14:11.057
You don't need more drama in the group.

00:14:11.057 --> 00:14:19.544
Like leave her alone, let her process her stuff and be there for her, but don't turn it into a whole thing in your friend group.

00:14:19.585 --> 00:14:26.333
Sure, you know no more high school grown women that act like and I love you ladies, but we got to grow up.

00:14:26.333 --> 00:14:28.716
It's out there TV land.

00:14:28.716 --> 00:14:30.085
That's all TV is.

00:14:30.085 --> 00:14:31.844
I watch it.

00:14:31.844 --> 00:14:33.229
You know like we always joke around.

00:14:33.229 --> 00:14:34.365
I love to watch the housewives.

00:14:34.365 --> 00:14:35.863
God bless you all because they're just.

00:14:35.863 --> 00:14:38.932
But God, it's some basic baby bitch shit.

00:14:38.932 --> 00:14:41.139
I mean basic, basic baby bitch shit.

00:14:41.299 --> 00:14:42.643
I can't even get into it.

00:14:42.822 --> 00:14:47.191
I love it because I just go home and like check out and I'm thinking like is this really what you girls are arguing about?

00:14:47.191 --> 00:14:52.509
Like I've just, and I love it, it's good for tv, but I, I hope to god that it's you know all an act.

00:14:52.509 --> 00:14:56.229
And then they go talk about deep shit after the fact, instead of like can you believe?

00:14:56.229 --> 00:14:58.160
So-and-so, thought I was gonna look good in yellow.

00:14:58.160 --> 00:14:59.043
What a bitch.

00:14:59.043 --> 00:14:59.363
I'm like.

00:14:59.363 --> 00:15:00.365
Are you serious?

00:15:00.365 --> 00:15:00.826
Right now?

00:15:00.826 --> 00:15:02.227
People have real problems.

00:15:02.609 --> 00:15:09.571
People have real problems right you know, yeah, not the complexion of your skin not looking good with the color yellow, and that she didn't remember that.

00:15:09.571 --> 00:15:11.465
She knows that's a trigger for me.

00:15:11.465 --> 00:15:15.360
I'm gonna, I'm gonna preach this, I'm gonna hammer this one home all the time.

00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:18.687
It is not your friends's job to manage your triggers.

00:15:18.687 --> 00:15:22.403
Fix your shit yeah, I can't barely manage my triggers.

00:15:22.602 --> 00:15:24.267
And now I'm supposed to remember what your triggers are?

00:15:24.267 --> 00:15:25.730
No idea, no idea.

00:15:25.730 --> 00:15:27.293
You know I have no idea.

00:15:27.293 --> 00:15:31.244
Nor do you, and you and I have been friends for 30 years and I'm fucking plugged into you.

00:15:31.244 --> 00:15:38.000
But God forbid, if I say a word that you didn't like or something that sparked something, and then I'm not, you're going to come after me for it because I didn't remember that.

00:15:39.023 --> 00:15:44.369
I mean, you say things that trigger me all the time and you don't even know it, because I'm like, hmm, why did that?

00:15:44.369 --> 00:15:47.153
Yeah, let's go look into it and figure it out.

00:15:47.153 --> 00:15:51.504
Yeah, absolutely, cause it's not about you, it's just that that car.

00:15:51.604 --> 00:15:55.253
Well and that's and that's a really lovely like friendship to build on too.

00:15:55.253 --> 00:16:03.010
You know, because you've told me different things before that were like I hung up the phone and you were like that really fucking triggers me.

00:16:03.010 --> 00:16:08.249
I have to be able to apologize for doing that and then also just stay out of the way and not make it about me.

00:16:08.249 --> 00:16:15.288
What I could have done is been like can you fucking believe Belinda got mad at me because I hung up, because Cameron?

00:16:15.307 --> 00:16:15.388
and.

00:16:15.488 --> 00:16:17.032
I and people in our family hang up all the time.

00:16:17.032 --> 00:16:19.990
If we see each other in person, like we're seeing, we hang up.

00:16:19.990 --> 00:16:20.481
It's a whole thing.

00:16:20.481 --> 00:16:21.606
But it bothered you.

00:16:21.606 --> 00:16:30.647
I want you to be able to say that to me without me taking it personally or making it about me, because you're going to get curious about why does that bother me and then fix your shit Right.

00:16:30.647 --> 00:16:32.004
But it's not on me.

00:16:32.004 --> 00:16:35.931
It's not on me to like turn it into a whole drama thing or be pissed off that you were upset about it.

00:16:36.039 --> 00:16:38.708
I'm sorry that you're upset about it a thousand percent because that's not my intent.

00:16:38.708 --> 00:16:48.677
But then just be normal friend.

00:16:48.677 --> 00:16:51.813
That tell me if you need what support looks like for you in that situation and I'm happy to be part of the solution, or if you just that pointed it out and you knew there was something there to work on or whatever.

00:16:51.813 --> 00:16:54.431
But I'm not going to take that nugget of information and then go create drama in our friend group.

00:16:54.431 --> 00:16:55.673
I mean that's outrageous.

00:16:56.013 --> 00:17:14.901
I think what, what I really lean on you for is when that happens, and then I'm so comfortable with telling you now, because I know you're gonna pull it out of me as far as, like, think about why and help me navigate through that, and then, boom, it's gone.

00:17:15.020 --> 00:17:24.329
Yeah, and it's that quick, yeah now be that quick be that friend, be that friend in your group, that that encourages people to get curious about why things make them feel a certain way.

00:17:24.329 --> 00:17:26.253
Because if you do that, you know I think we've gotten things make them feel a certain way.

00:17:26.253 --> 00:17:34.888
Because if you do that, I think we've gotten as a society to a point where it's like, oh, that's a trigger, that's a trigger and then people expect you to manage their triggers and it's like let's be real friends to each other.

00:17:34.888 --> 00:17:36.547
If that's a trigger, get curious.

00:17:36.547 --> 00:17:39.246
Let me remind you to get curious about why do you feel that way?

00:17:39.246 --> 00:17:49.425
What is it about things that make you feel that way?

00:17:49.349 --> 00:17:50.248
Go pull that weed, don't just keep mowing it.

00:17:50.248 --> 00:17:50.807
Go pull that weed.

00:17:50.807 --> 00:17:52.382
You know we don't, you don't need to have it so that if someone ever hangs up on you you've lost your shit and it pisses you off and like all of the things.

00:17:52.382 --> 00:17:53.458
Get curious about why that makes it a thing.

00:17:53.458 --> 00:17:55.125
Obviously, people shouldn't hang up on each other.

00:17:55.125 --> 00:17:58.123
That was a different scenario or whatever, but you understand what I'm saying right?

00:17:59.104 --> 00:17:59.365
You don't.

00:17:59.365 --> 00:18:03.409
I don't want to have zero triggers Every time something bumps into my stuff.

00:18:03.409 --> 00:18:04.770
I want to get curious.

00:18:04.770 --> 00:18:09.336
I want to be around people that encourage me to be curious about fixing that kind of stuff.

00:18:09.336 --> 00:18:12.589
You know, to be a better version of myself.

00:18:12.589 --> 00:18:16.625
You know I always say my competition is my yesterday Ann, you know who was I yesterday?

00:18:16.625 --> 00:18:17.628
That's my competition.

00:18:17.628 --> 00:18:21.003
So anytime something gets bumped into I want to figure it out.

00:18:21.003 --> 00:18:23.647
I don't want that to be a thing where I just ignore it or push it back down.

00:18:23.647 --> 00:18:24.828
Let's pull that weed.

00:18:24.949 --> 00:18:29.635
Yeah, it's going to be messy and hard because a lot of times those roots are hooked to nasty stuff that comes up.

00:18:29.635 --> 00:18:38.992
Sometimes it's not that big of a deal, you know, but it's like I don't want to have some boyfriend that I had 30 years ago that still triggers me because they did something and whatever.

00:18:38.992 --> 00:18:46.482
Like I'm an adult, this brain is my tool.

00:18:46.482 --> 00:18:46.903
It doesn't run me.

00:18:46.903 --> 00:18:47.425
I run it right, you know.

00:18:47.425 --> 00:18:48.651
But that's a lot of work to get to that point.

00:18:48.651 --> 00:18:49.714
That's not always been the case, you know, but it's.

00:18:49.714 --> 00:18:54.507
It's worth work, that's worth doing, you know it, it, it's also like now.

00:18:55.167 --> 00:18:58.534
I say now because 10 months ago I wouldn't have said this.

00:18:58.534 --> 00:19:00.202
Right, it's now.

00:19:00.202 --> 00:19:02.707
I don't even like.

00:19:02.707 --> 00:19:05.892
Why do I even need to worry about what happened?

00:19:05.932 --> 00:19:06.653
30 years ago.

00:19:06.894 --> 00:19:22.828
You don't Like it takes so much energy out the space that it comes into, and then it's like ooh, I don't have time for you, like, I got other things going on, so it's so good to be able to just like sweep it away the whole thing and you don't have to even like you don't even have to go do that.

00:19:27.200 --> 00:19:28.846
I want to tell you a funny story that that happened yesterday to me.

00:19:28.846 --> 00:19:34.284
So I started getting Thai massages and when I go get a Thai massage, like mentally I work on stuff, right, because I go for two hours.

00:19:34.284 --> 00:19:40.645
I'm in there, my mind is, you know, um, help myself to a gummy, go work on it for a couple of hours, you know whatever.

00:19:40.645 --> 00:19:47.944
And um, and it's pretty incredible because yesterday the thing that I was working on was the jealousy component.

00:19:47.944 --> 00:19:53.467
Right, we've talked about that and I've tried to get really in depth of like, where does this come from?

00:19:53.467 --> 00:19:55.531
Why is this a thing Like?

00:19:55.571 --> 00:20:00.568
I'm trying to think back in my life of jealousy in a relationship, jealousy in my family.

00:20:00.568 --> 00:20:08.185
You know, I was the third girl and so I really had to work hard for attention, which made me the loud, obnoxious asshole that I am nowadays.

00:20:08.185 --> 00:20:10.792
So you guys are welcome, that's hardwired in me.

00:20:10.792 --> 00:20:12.323
I can't fix that.

00:20:12.323 --> 00:20:16.070
I'm really getting more self-aware about stuff.

00:20:16.070 --> 00:20:18.343
Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

00:20:18.343 --> 00:20:21.431
So I'm thinking about this and I'm thinking where does this come from?

00:20:21.471 --> 00:20:37.672
And as I'm laying there in my head just exploring my head with where does this come from, I thought jealousy is rooted in fear, right, and even though it doesn't spark its head very often for me, when it does, I hate myself for it.

00:20:37.672 --> 00:20:39.423
I hate feeling that way.

00:20:39.423 --> 00:20:40.885
I because it's not justified.

00:20:40.885 --> 00:20:41.567
You know what I mean.

00:20:41.567 --> 00:20:43.962
It's like, it's just, it's such a stupid thing.

00:20:43.962 --> 00:20:44.851
But understanding that it's really rooted.

00:20:44.851 --> 00:20:47.346
It's such a stupid thing, but understanding that it's really rooted in fear.

00:20:47.527 --> 00:20:53.547
And I made a commitment to myself in the last year of I will not live in fear, not for anything, not for stupid things.

00:20:53.547 --> 00:20:54.911
I'm not going to be afraid of bats.

00:20:54.911 --> 00:20:59.005
I'm not going to be afraid of you know, whatever it is right, I'm not going to be afraid of that.

00:20:59.005 --> 00:21:04.432
I'm not going to be afraid that someone's going to not be in my life forever or I'm not going to be okay, I can handle anything.

00:21:04.432 --> 00:21:09.500
That's what I'm on this mission to do is to to equip myself with the tools that I can handle anything.

00:21:09.500 --> 00:21:15.123
So really understanding that the whole jealousy thing is rooted in fear, at the base of it right.

00:21:15.182 --> 00:21:20.785
It's the fear of loss of that relationship, it's the fear of like whatever it is, it doesn't matter, I will not live in fear.

00:21:20.785 --> 00:21:23.832
I literally just reconciled that with myself last night.

00:21:23.832 --> 00:21:24.834
Now does that?

00:21:24.874 --> 00:21:25.340
mean now.

00:21:25.401 --> 00:21:26.763
I'm like all right, let's test it out.

00:21:26.763 --> 00:21:29.330
You know, we'll find it.

00:21:29.330 --> 00:21:40.708
Something's going to, something's going to push into it and I'm going to be able to say I'm not, I will not live in fear, and that's going to be how I combat that whenever it comes up, is, I will not live in fear because I have control over what I decide to do.

00:21:40.708 --> 00:21:44.211
I know that because I've been changing all of these things about myself.

00:21:44.211 --> 00:21:45.573
I know that I have control.

00:21:45.573 --> 00:21:50.846
I know that I'm running my mind, my mind isn't running me right, and so to just say you know what?

00:21:50.846 --> 00:21:52.790
That's a character defect that I don't like.

00:21:52.790 --> 00:21:54.944
I don't want that to be a thing anymore.

00:21:54.944 --> 00:21:56.208
So I'm just not going to.

00:21:56.208 --> 00:22:04.031
You know, easier said than done, I realize, but when that does come up and I'm bumped into that, I will absolutely reiterate that to myself.

00:22:04.472 --> 00:22:05.374
I will not live in fear.

00:22:05.374 --> 00:22:06.905
I will not live in fear.

00:22:06.905 --> 00:22:11.089
I have done too much work to have fear be the underlying thing of anything.

00:22:11.089 --> 00:22:20.798
So, even though you didn't realize that, the jealousy was like I'm afraid, I'm fearful, I'm whatever, but at the end of the day, that's what's underneath it and I'm not doing that.

00:22:20.798 --> 00:22:22.606
So it's like I don't know.

00:22:22.606 --> 00:22:23.431
We'll see how it works.

00:22:23.431 --> 00:22:27.473
But I wanted to share that with you because that was a big development of stuff where I was like, let's do that.

00:22:27.555 --> 00:22:28.276
It's going to work.

00:22:28.276 --> 00:22:28.958
It's going to work.

00:22:28.958 --> 00:22:30.652
I mean, you know it will work.

00:22:30.652 --> 00:22:33.143
I just did it also.

00:22:33.143 --> 00:22:35.471
Yeah, and it's very, very.

00:22:35.471 --> 00:22:37.276
It feels so good.

00:22:37.325 --> 00:22:45.436
It makes you feel like Superwoman, it does I mean seriously, it's like Wonder, no, I'm not doing that anymore.

00:22:45.436 --> 00:22:46.156
I don't want to.

00:22:46.156 --> 00:22:56.103
You know so for people who are like I just can't this or this or whatever, if you start doing the work and just start gaining momentum for how strong you are and that your mind is a tool, it doesn't run you.

00:22:56.103 --> 00:23:06.638
You run it, like all of those things, and, yes, it takes time, but I'm telling you, like I've put the work in, it is powerful to just say that's a character defect I don't want anymore.

00:23:06.759 --> 00:23:07.980
I can change that about myself.

00:23:07.980 --> 00:23:12.530
It's not just something that's dealt to me that I have to deal with Like no, we'll fix that, I love it.

00:23:12.530 --> 00:23:13.292
I'm going to fix that.

00:23:13.473 --> 00:23:13.914
I love it.

00:23:13.914 --> 00:23:17.987
I know it feels excellent, right, I can't wait for more to happen, I know, so you can go.

00:23:18.067 --> 00:23:23.210
Yes, I know seriously, I love you tell me.

00:23:23.309 --> 00:23:26.412
Let's see if I can find it.

00:23:26.412 --> 00:23:28.894
Sorry, not prepared All righty here we go.

00:23:29.554 --> 00:23:33.757
I have a 25-year-old niece Her name's Meadow who Meadow?

00:23:33.757 --> 00:23:35.837
Who embraces the hippie style.

00:23:35.837 --> 00:23:38.059
She's kind and sweet and loves everyone.

00:23:38.059 --> 00:23:42.182
She has also opposed the establishment.

00:23:42.182 --> 00:23:42.803
These are in quotes.

00:23:42.803 --> 00:23:49.050
She's heavily tattooed and has several facial piercings and thick underarm hair.

00:23:49.050 --> 00:23:50.695
Excellent, wow, excellent.

00:23:50.695 --> 00:23:52.972
This is a girl who knows what she likes.

00:23:52.972 --> 00:23:53.413
I love that.

00:23:53.766 --> 00:23:55.365
My son is the complete opposite.

00:23:55.365 --> 00:23:59.557
He's in the business world and is very professional in his manner and dress.

00:23:59.557 --> 00:24:02.473
He's getting married in three months to a lovely girl.

00:24:02.473 --> 00:24:04.952
Meadow is invited because she wanted to come.

00:24:04.952 --> 00:24:07.846
My son is nervous about her coming to the wedding.

00:24:07.846 --> 00:24:11.030
He doesn't know Meadow that well.

00:24:11.030 --> 00:24:16.326
They were close as kids but haven't seen much of each other in adulthood.

00:24:16.326 --> 00:24:22.128
My son is worried Meadow will wear an outfit that will display the tattoos and her bushy underarm hair.

00:24:22.128 --> 00:24:29.087
He's afraid she will be a spectacle and her appearance will become the focus of the wedding and not his lovely bride.

00:24:29.087 --> 00:24:36.972
He's also worried someone will ridicule or comment about her and he will then have to defend her, causing a disruption.

00:24:36.972 --> 00:24:41.086
None of us are close to meadow or feel comfortable with her appearance.

00:24:41.086 --> 00:24:43.269
How do we handle her presence at the wedding?

00:24:43.269 --> 00:24:44.592
I'm gonna let you.

00:24:44.592 --> 00:24:45.512
This is all.

00:24:45.512 --> 00:24:46.575
I don't even wanna.

00:24:48.537 --> 00:24:55.115
This is sad uh just love her jesus, first of all, it sounds like you've got some work to do on your son.

00:24:55.115 --> 00:25:02.513
Oh my god, because if he's so worried about all of those things like, that's exhausting to run all of that shit through your head and to be worried about that kind of stuff.

00:25:02.513 --> 00:25:03.479
You know what I mean.

00:25:03.479 --> 00:25:04.744
Yeah, several things.

00:25:04.744 --> 00:25:06.718
God, alarm bells are firing off.

00:25:06.738 --> 00:25:09.369
Yes, you're reading that like lots of different things.

00:25:09.369 --> 00:25:10.493
Good job, meadow.

00:25:10.493 --> 00:25:13.286
Like, excellent, right, if we were all the same, what fun would that?

00:25:13.286 --> 00:25:15.471
Be right, let your freak flag fly, girl.

00:25:15.471 --> 00:25:17.576
Like, do whatever makes your heart happy.

00:25:17.576 --> 00:25:18.467
Who gives a shit?

00:25:18.467 --> 00:25:18.989
You know what I mean.

00:25:18.989 --> 00:25:21.375
You don't like underarm hair, then don't have underarm hair.

00:25:21.375 --> 00:25:24.690
But if she doesn't mind that and that's her thing, then whatever, who cares?

00:25:24.690 --> 00:25:27.394
Also, why did she get invited if she's not close to them?

00:25:27.394 --> 00:25:34.453
If she invited herself and you guys weren't strong enough to say no or just keeping it a private you know thing for people that are close, then that's on you guys.

00:25:34.453 --> 00:25:36.106
Also, be adult to uninvite her.

00:25:36.106 --> 00:25:47.404
If you're really that worried about the situation because you don't have time to do the really deep-seated work that needs to happen before the wedding, get over yourself, right You're.

00:25:47.404 --> 00:25:53.189
You're worried about your wedding and someone coming not conforming to what you think should look like that looks like you have bigger work than than just your wedding.

00:25:53.450 --> 00:25:54.112
Do you know what I mean?

00:25:54.112 --> 00:25:55.134
This is a whole big red flag.

00:25:55.194 --> 00:25:56.768
I mean the whole thing is a red flag.

00:25:56.768 --> 00:26:02.027
Like you think, you're going to control what somebody else is going to wear so that you're comfortable.

00:26:02.027 --> 00:26:04.490
Do you know how outrageous that sounds.

00:26:04.550 --> 00:26:05.051
Do you know what I mean?

00:26:05.071 --> 00:26:05.712
That's what that's.

00:26:05.712 --> 00:26:06.534
That's the whole thing.

00:26:06.534 --> 00:26:10.880
Like read that lady should read back her email to herself.

00:26:10.880 --> 00:26:12.329
Do you hear what that sounds like?

00:26:12.329 --> 00:26:29.960
You're saying you can't handle if somebody doesn't conform to what her you know, her son saying I can't handle if somebody doesn't conform to what I would want them to wear, which is to cover up tattoos and to make sure that their armpit hair isn't showing, or to not have their facial tattoos, or it's going to make your other guests uncomfortable.

00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:34.636
If this doesn't show like a whole you know the whole fix your shit.

00:26:34.636 --> 00:26:42.693
Also, you have a bunch of shallow guests that don't understand that we're all completely different people, and isn't that so beautiful, that we're all different, right Do?

00:26:42.733 --> 00:26:43.275
you know what I mean.

00:26:43.315 --> 00:26:46.974
Yes, that just feels so sad for everyone except Meadow.

00:26:46.974 --> 00:26:48.386
You know right.

00:26:49.288 --> 00:26:52.336
You know, Casey, we're going to have to take this one offline later.

00:26:52.336 --> 00:26:55.952
I know, no, it's, it's true, though.

00:26:56.032 --> 00:26:57.375
You know what I mean that's.

00:26:57.375 --> 00:26:58.278
That's that I?

00:26:58.278 --> 00:27:02.332
I've been noticing that a lot lately in just watching society.

00:27:02.332 --> 00:27:11.769
People are have a list of things that they have to happen in order for them to be okay, right, like I can't handle whatever it is.

00:27:11.769 --> 00:27:13.152
Are you crazy?

00:27:13.152 --> 00:27:18.872
You're an adult and you can't handle that somebody else is going to be their unique, individual self.

00:27:18.872 --> 00:27:19.974
That's what you're saying.

00:27:19.974 --> 00:27:25.031
I can't handle that because I'm worried what other people will think that that's pathetic.

00:27:25.554 --> 00:27:28.618
It is pathetic, it's, it's very uh, I don't know.

00:27:28.618 --> 00:27:30.048
It just doesn't sound right at all.

00:27:30.269 --> 00:27:32.576
It's like all wrong, like the whole thing is just.

00:27:32.576 --> 00:27:36.794
I'm sorry to everybody, but there's a lot of work to go around.

00:27:36.794 --> 00:27:46.876
You should work on your son for being more comfortable in who he is as a human being and and being more you know um accepting and loving of the people that are in his life.

00:27:46.876 --> 00:27:51.811
If she's not close and she shouldn't have been on the invite list anyways then have a conversation that just says you know what.

00:27:51.811 --> 00:27:54.172
We're so sorry, we're cutting the guest list and you know.

00:27:54.532 --> 00:27:54.894
Yeah.

00:27:55.987 --> 00:27:59.777
And have that adult conversation instead of like you're going to worry about your wedding.

00:27:59.777 --> 00:28:03.073
Because you're worried, a cousin that you haven't seen in however long is going to ruin it for you.

00:28:03.073 --> 00:28:03.795
That's terrible.

00:28:03.795 --> 00:28:16.034
Take control of your situation it is and either get over it or an uninviter, which is sad, but I mean yeah, it's also not fair to have that be what you're worried about that one is very it's a lot for me.

00:28:16.034 --> 00:28:19.026
That is a lot for me it brings up all sorts of stuff for me.

00:28:19.046 --> 00:28:30.259
so it's like yeah, I mean I I can't say anything because I haven't quite mastered my filtering, so I don't want to say anything.

00:28:30.298 --> 00:28:31.140
No, no, no, no.

00:28:31.140 --> 00:28:32.101
That's not what this is about.

00:28:32.101 --> 00:28:33.411
Let's get naked, belinda.

00:28:33.545 --> 00:28:38.477
I do not want to say anything that truly offends people, because I am just not.

00:28:38.545 --> 00:28:39.630
Are you out of your mind right now?

00:28:39.710 --> 00:28:41.358
Yeah, so you're keeping your clothes on today?

00:28:41.358 --> 00:28:41.904
Is that what we're saying?

00:28:41.904 --> 00:28:43.571
I am definitely keeping my clothes on.

00:28:47.786 --> 00:28:48.107
Just checking.

00:28:48.107 --> 00:28:49.115
I don't want to get us canceled right away.

00:28:49.115 --> 00:28:49.377
Why the fuck?

00:28:49.377 --> 00:28:50.224
If you don't like it, change the channel.

00:28:50.224 --> 00:28:53.974
If you don't like what my answer is to this, then watch a different podcast.

00:28:53.974 --> 00:28:55.265
Oh my God, Listen.

00:28:55.265 --> 00:28:58.047
Whatever we do to podcasts nowadays, I don't know.

00:28:58.067 --> 00:28:59.508
Yeah, change the channel, change the channel.

00:28:59.548 --> 00:28:59.988
Okay, what's?

00:29:00.067 --> 00:29:01.888
up, let's do this one, okay.

00:29:01.888 --> 00:29:07.972
I'm a millennial, I'm successful in my career and lucky to have a loving husband and two amazing children.

00:29:07.972 --> 00:29:14.576
I am, however, trying to remind myself to be better and not bitter in another huge area of my life.

00:29:14.576 --> 00:29:20.259
The world is changing so quickly, especially in the field of in vitro fertilization.

00:29:20.259 --> 00:29:24.682
I know I have much to be thankful for, but I'm finding it hard to.

00:29:24.682 --> 00:29:33.454
I'm finding it a hard pill to swallow that many of our older parents are choosing to have another set of kids in their later years.

00:29:33.875 --> 00:29:38.173
My father, who is in his mid-60s, just had twins with his third wife.

00:29:38.173 --> 00:29:40.336
His children are younger than mine.

00:29:40.336 --> 00:29:42.788
I feel entirely replaced by his new family.

00:29:42.788 --> 00:29:47.558
Rather than being a present father and grandfather, he has nearly disappeared.

00:29:47.558 --> 00:29:53.077
I thank God that my mother is a proud and devoted grandmother to my grandchildren.

00:29:53.077 --> 00:29:59.726
In addition to disappearing act, dad has decided to leave all assets to his third wife and the twins.

00:29:59.726 --> 00:30:02.691
They call my kids their twin cousins.

00:30:02.691 --> 00:30:17.509
A number of my friends also have a parent who has chosen to start their lives in lives over in this way, including their mothers who, in the late years, have had babies by surrogate.

00:30:17.509 --> 00:30:19.653
This is so painful.

00:30:19.913 --> 00:30:29.965
How do I and the younger generations overcome this feeling of abandonment well, in the very last question is exactly where she brought it up.

00:30:29.965 --> 00:30:31.249
The rest of this stuff doesn't matter.

00:30:31.249 --> 00:30:33.576
Does it matter what the different components of it are?

00:30:33.576 --> 00:30:34.165
Right, you have a.

00:30:34.165 --> 00:30:40.046
You have abandonment issues that need to be fixed, because once you do that, none of it matters.

00:30:40.185 --> 00:30:47.132
Right, and your dad right, your dad having a third wife and leaving his money keyword in that, his money to other people.

00:30:47.132 --> 00:30:48.547
It has nothing to do with you, right?

00:30:48.547 --> 00:30:48.727
Like?

00:30:48.727 --> 00:30:55.092
I think a lot of times in families people don't realize that, like, your dad is his own person and he gets to do whatever he wants.

00:30:55.092 --> 00:30:57.866
He's not just your dad, he's not just a grandpa to your kids.

00:30:57.866 --> 00:31:05.271
He can be a present dad or a present grandpa or not a present dad or not a present grandpa or whatever, and that's his choice, how he wants to run his life.

00:31:05.471 --> 00:31:08.999
Don't take it personally, right Like it has nothing to do with you.

00:31:08.999 --> 00:31:12.295
So you think that it does because your dad's going to leave his money to somebody else.

00:31:12.295 --> 00:31:13.611
It's not your money, right?

00:31:13.611 --> 00:31:17.816
Kids that think that your parents automatically leave their money to you?

00:31:17.816 --> 00:31:21.724
Well, newsflash, that's also not how that goes right.

00:31:21.724 --> 00:31:23.506
So wouldn't count on that.

00:31:23.506 --> 00:31:23.865
Either.

00:31:23.865 --> 00:31:28.469
Fix your abandonment issues where they come from and fix that within yourself, and then it won't matter.

00:31:28.469 --> 00:31:29.250
You know what I mean.

00:31:29.250 --> 00:31:31.230
Then it's yep, that's what people do.

00:31:31.230 --> 00:31:32.192
They're able to do that.

00:31:32.192 --> 00:31:40.116
You know you wouldn't want someone that would come to you and say I don't think you should be able to have kids or do this or do that from the outside.

00:31:40.116 --> 00:31:41.037
Stay in your own lane.

00:31:41.037 --> 00:31:42.117
You know what I mean.

00:31:42.117 --> 00:31:42.939
That's your dad's lane.

00:31:42.939 --> 00:31:45.240
Your dad gets to do whatever the hell he wants to in that lane.

00:31:45.240 --> 00:31:56.006
If you don't like it, put a boundary up that you're not going to have a relationship with him, right.

00:31:56.006 --> 00:31:58.877
But it's again, it's not your responsibility to you know, construct things in a way so that it's comfortable for you, right?

00:31:58.877 --> 00:31:59.621
People don't realize that.

00:31:59.621 --> 00:32:01.906
They think like, okay, all of these are like the components of stuff.

00:32:01.906 --> 00:32:04.932
So my sister is this way and my family is this way and my dad is this way.

00:32:04.932 --> 00:32:14.212
As long as all of these things line up, as long as your dad acts right as a father and as a grandfather, as long as he doesn't go on with his life and do other things, then you're going to be okay.

00:32:14.212 --> 00:32:15.796
That's outrageous.

00:32:15.796 --> 00:32:16.785
You know what I mean?

00:32:16.785 --> 00:32:18.406
He's his own individual person.

00:32:18.406 --> 00:32:20.190
He can go, do whatever he wants to.

00:32:20.190 --> 00:32:21.731
So how do you deal with any of that?

00:32:21.731 --> 00:32:23.093
Deal with your abandonment issues.

00:32:23.093 --> 00:32:24.054
The rest of it doesn't matter.

00:32:24.054 --> 00:32:26.136
Yeah, literally, the rest of it doesn't matter.

00:32:26.136 --> 00:32:30.728
You'll fix your abandonment issues and then you'll also realize that it doesn't matter and then, if you want to have a relationship with him.

00:32:30.728 --> 00:32:31.810
You'll be grateful.

00:32:31.810 --> 00:32:33.255
I love her approach of.

00:32:33.255 --> 00:32:34.076
I I want to stay.

00:32:34.076 --> 00:32:35.407
You know, be better than bitter.

00:32:35.407 --> 00:32:36.250
Thousand percent.

00:32:36.451 --> 00:32:41.913
Resentment is like this is the oldest thing in the book, but resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies.

00:32:41.913 --> 00:32:42.296
It's just.

00:32:42.296 --> 00:32:46.794
It's resentment is the is the worst thing that you could possibly leave inside of yourself.

00:32:46.794 --> 00:32:50.281
And she sounds very resentful for stuff which comes from the.

00:32:50.281 --> 00:32:53.211
You know the fear of abandonment and all of the things that go into that.

00:32:53.211 --> 00:33:07.808
Again, abandonment stems from fear as well, right, so being able to really dive into that and fix that and that doesn't have to be a bunch of therapy Journal about it Figure, you know, get curious about why do you feel abandoned, what made you feel abandoned?

00:33:08.692 --> 00:33:12.727
You can heal that part of yourself from wherever that started within yourself.

00:33:12.727 --> 00:33:14.936
Like you're, you have the capability to do that.

00:33:14.936 --> 00:33:18.410
I think a lot of people don't realize they're like well, I can't afford therapy and I can't.

00:33:18.410 --> 00:33:20.095
This has nothing to do with that.

00:33:20.095 --> 00:33:22.630
Like, yes, great, but there's so many different.

00:33:22.630 --> 00:33:25.696
You know resources resources that you can have out there.

00:33:25.696 --> 00:33:29.875
You know self-improvement books that you can get from the library that are addressing the things that you're doing.

00:33:29.875 --> 00:33:34.961
The internet, which is, oh my god, I mean endless with resources for you to figure that stuff out.

00:33:35.462 --> 00:33:39.733
Really just getting curious, sitting quietly and chewing on that kind of stuff.

00:33:39.733 --> 00:33:50.913
Again, I joke around about the Thai massage thing, but I get more stuff done when I'm there laying there with my mind just wandering and just being curious about as I'm exploring things.

00:33:50.913 --> 00:33:53.188
And why do I feel this way and being curious about this?

00:33:53.188 --> 00:33:54.269
And where does this stem from?

00:33:54.269 --> 00:33:57.817
Be quiet, put your phone down, stop numbing yourself.

00:33:57.817 --> 00:34:00.133
Get curious about why you feel that way.

00:34:00.133 --> 00:34:05.635
Because when you fix that in yourself, then you don't have to construct things to be a certain way so that you can handle it.

00:34:05.635 --> 00:34:15.465
Then you can just handle anything and it doesn't matter if your dad's 80 putting babies in 25-year-olds Okay, excellent, it's not your money, it's not your life, it's not your lane, you know yeah.

00:34:17.472 --> 00:34:18.635
Yes, do you agree with that?

00:34:18.635 --> 00:34:24.811
I agree with all of it, and I was trying to stay focused because I'm learning from you also.

00:34:24.831 --> 00:34:36.277
So I'm like taking mental notes and it's like okay, okay, but it's true, it's all true when you realize that, when you realize life is not about constructing things around you so that it's you know, that's a whole Michael Singer thing.

00:34:36.277 --> 00:34:42.335
It's not about constructing things around you so that you're comfortable and that nobody touches your triggers.

00:34:43.257 --> 00:34:44.539
Fix your shit, right?

00:34:44.539 --> 00:34:49.666
Yeah, I mean, it's's just.

00:34:49.666 --> 00:34:50.648
It's actually very simple in my head.

00:34:50.648 --> 00:34:51.088
It's very simple.

00:34:51.088 --> 00:34:55.539
It's you are you, you have your life to deal with and that's enough.

00:34:55.539 --> 00:34:58.507
So why are you mucking around with everyone else's?

00:34:58.507 --> 00:35:00.431
I know, like, why would you want to?

00:35:00.431 --> 00:35:02.867
Yeah, like, why would you want to pick up their luggage?

00:35:02.867 --> 00:35:06.394
Why would you want to take their worries on as yours?

00:35:06.635 --> 00:35:07.277
yeah, but we've been.

00:35:07.277 --> 00:35:08.969
We've just been doing that for so long.

00:35:08.969 --> 00:35:09.891
Do you know what I mean?

00:35:09.891 --> 00:35:17.157
We've been doing that for so long where it's like everybody's so inner twingled with other people's drama and like making up shit.

00:35:17.157 --> 00:35:18.067
That's not even a thing.

00:35:18.067 --> 00:35:18.989
How do you handle it?

00:35:18.989 --> 00:35:21.945
You deal with your abandonment issues and the rest of it doesn't matter.

00:35:21.945 --> 00:35:25.213
Then you don't, then you don't have to deal with any of the rest of that.

00:35:25.213 --> 00:35:28.318
Then you get to decide whether you want to have a relationship with them or not.

00:35:28.318 --> 00:35:31.273
You get to decide whether you want your kids to have a relationship with.

00:35:31.273 --> 00:35:35.996
You know your basically siblings, then that are your children's age.

00:35:35.996 --> 00:35:39.456
Like again, life doesn't have to look any specific type of way.

00:35:39.965 --> 00:35:48.132
And look at how grateful you should be in that, because your family is so big and your kids get to have more family and it's just a lot of love.

00:35:48.233 --> 00:35:53.590
It's all about perspective right, or you can be the one that causes drama and, like, you get to choose.

00:35:53.590 --> 00:35:57.077
For me, I'm yeah, I'm it's about perspective.

00:35:57.077 --> 00:35:59.351
I'm going to see it from the great thing, excellent.

00:35:59.351 --> 00:36:03.990
You know, the IVF thing is a big thing because I think a lot of people are like, oh well, they shouldn't be.

00:36:03.990 --> 00:36:05.313
Who gets to decide?

00:36:05.313 --> 00:36:06.496
Who gets to decide?

00:36:06.496 --> 00:36:07.659
Who gets to use it and who doesn't?

00:36:07.659 --> 00:36:08.061
Right?

00:36:08.061 --> 00:36:08.663
Do you know what I mean?

00:36:08.663 --> 00:36:10.512
Who gets to decide whether it's right or whether it's not?

00:36:10.512 --> 00:36:14.590
If it's not right for you, don't do it Right and then stay in your own lane.

00:36:15.465 --> 00:36:17.010
No one's going to tell me what I can do.

00:36:17.010 --> 00:36:19.336
Don't tell you, I know right.

00:36:19.336 --> 00:36:23.619
I've always said Everybody should just stay in your own lane.

00:36:23.659 --> 00:36:25.500
That's not hurting you, you know.

00:36:25.500 --> 00:36:29.101
And if it is, fix your shit, it's bumping into your shit.

00:36:29.101 --> 00:36:31.222
Oh my gosh, all right, next one.

00:36:32.465 --> 00:36:35.554
I'm just going to go start from the beginning, because I pulled out just a few.

00:36:35.554 --> 00:36:41.139
Okay, I have always been the outsider in my family, the out what.

00:36:41.139 --> 00:36:42.664
I'm sorry, the outsider Outsider.

00:36:42.664 --> 00:36:44.367
Okay, sorry about that, that's okay.

00:36:44.367 --> 00:36:48.918
My grandma raised me because my mom was an alcoholic and ran the streets with her boyfriend.

00:36:49.445 --> 00:36:53.976
My grandma died three months ago and I have been having a hard time dealing with it.

00:36:53.976 --> 00:36:58.717
My mother has moved into my grandma's house and wants me to come visit her.

00:36:58.717 --> 00:37:02.436
This is a problem because everywhere I look it reminds me of my grandma.

00:37:02.436 --> 00:37:11.570
I have told her this, but she thinks, since she's painted and decorated everything differently, it shouldn't be a problem for me.

00:37:11.570 --> 00:37:15.869
I'm the only child who has anything to do with her.

00:37:15.869 --> 00:37:22.409
She gave up my oldest sister and she uses guilt when I don't come out and help her clean or go to the grocery.

00:37:22.409 --> 00:37:24.094
Go grocery shopping for her.

00:37:24.094 --> 00:37:33.757
I was raised to believe that we should take care of our elders, but still have issues with not being in my life growing up.

00:37:33.757 --> 00:37:39.135
I don't know how to handle without just refusing to go.

00:37:39.135 --> 00:37:40.297
What should I do?

00:37:40.297 --> 00:37:42.590
The wording is a little off right here.

00:37:42.612 --> 00:37:43.434
Sorry about that.

00:37:43.434 --> 00:37:44.949
Did you get it I?

00:37:44.969 --> 00:37:45.251
did.

00:37:45.251 --> 00:37:51.487
Okay, yeah, god bless America.

00:37:51.487 --> 00:37:52.027
I'm sorry, I know it's.

00:37:52.027 --> 00:38:01.525
You know, here's the thing put it, put a boundary in place and don't have a relationship with your mom if you can't handle it or fix your shit like that's like the answer to everything.

00:38:01.565 --> 00:38:02.648
Just fix your shit your shit.

00:38:02.648 --> 00:38:07.217
Because because you know you can't handle going over there and seeing that and whatever I, I get it.

00:38:07.217 --> 00:38:07.846
And listen.

00:38:07.846 --> 00:38:11.936
Grief is the mother of emotions, it's the biggest one.

00:38:11.936 --> 00:38:16.996
Grief is an iceberg and it takes everything to get through that.

00:38:16.996 --> 00:38:20.414
I lost my sister unexpectedly when she was 39 years old.

00:38:20.414 --> 00:38:23.434
It took me out of the game, it messed me up.

00:38:23.434 --> 00:38:29.387
I understand grief is a big one, you know, but then protect yourself in that situation.

00:38:29.387 --> 00:38:46.472
So if you're not in a position to be able to have a relationship with your mom at this time because you're not in a position to be able to fix whatever it is that bothers you and the resentment from stuff but of course she has resentment for her mom, for abandoning her when she was a child Of course she's going to in her mind, in her her heart, pick her grandmother over her mom.

00:38:46.472 --> 00:38:49.556
Now it feels like mom's coming in taking over for grandma.

00:38:50.157 --> 00:39:05.550
That's not what you know, that's not what's happening, but that's exactly how that woman is going to perceive that right and so because you don't have base layer stuff, that's fixed, it's just you're piling stuff on top of it and on top of it and on top of it, and so then it just continues to be this whole big.

00:39:05.550 --> 00:39:12.590
So maybe just tell your mom that you need some time to work through some stuff and then realize that it's within you to be able to fix that.

00:39:12.590 --> 00:39:16.206
You have to be able to forgive your mom, not for your mom, for you.

00:39:16.206 --> 00:39:19.855
You know, we all had messed up stuff that happened in our childhood.

00:39:19.855 --> 00:39:28.951
If we don't, if we don't go back and figure out how to find forgiveness for those people Again, not for those other people Forgiveness is for you, forgiveness is not for the other people.

00:39:29.465 --> 00:39:40.695
That's a big step in a foundation of really fixing your shit is being able to find a way to recognize your part in situations and forgive the people that were involved in hurting you.

00:39:40.695 --> 00:39:43.972
You know, because there's no power in victim being the victim.

00:39:43.972 --> 00:39:44.715
You know what I mean.

00:39:44.715 --> 00:39:50.199
So if you're a victim in your own life, in your own story, right, if you're the victim that said my mom did this and whatever.

00:39:50.199 --> 00:39:53.902
If your mom was an alcoholic and was running the streets and whatever, know that she wasn't.

00:39:53.902 --> 00:39:56.188
She was a sick, empty, broken person.

00:39:56.188 --> 00:39:56.851
You know what I mean?

00:39:56.851 --> 00:40:00.347
She wasn't in a position to be able to choose you over something else.

00:40:00.347 --> 00:40:04.327
I mean, that's just, unfortunately, that's just how addiction and alcoholism works.

00:40:04.327 --> 00:40:06.251
You know, it's not somebody who's in their right mind.

00:40:06.251 --> 00:40:09.135
That's like screw my kids, I'm going to go do this.

00:40:09.135 --> 00:40:09.577
It doesn't.

00:40:09.577 --> 00:40:10.778
It doesn't occur like that.

00:40:10.778 --> 00:40:17.668
But I think a lot of people who haven't maybe done the work to figure that out feel like that, which is why there's a lot of resentment and stuff that goes into there.

00:40:17.688 --> 00:40:31.992
So there's in that story there's hurt feelings for days you know, and you have to really be able to, to heal from that, and maybe that's something that you're not able to do when your mom is in your ear or actively, you know, trying to be in your life.

00:40:32.072 --> 00:40:34.097
So maybe ask for space in that situation.

00:40:34.097 --> 00:40:46.592
You know, mom's support for me right now looks like you giving me space so that I can work on this, because I do want to have a relationship with you, or I don't want to have a relationship with you, mom, because I can't handle this and I can't get over it, and you can say that too.

00:40:46.592 --> 00:40:55.146
That's totally fine, you know, if you don't want to do that, do the work, but don't stay in her life and then just continue to cause drama in your own life, because that's what that will do.

00:40:55.146 --> 00:40:55.726
You know what I mean.

00:40:55.726 --> 00:40:59.811
Every time she asks you to come over or asks you to whatever it's, oh, and you're bitching about it.

00:40:59.811 --> 00:41:10.835
In that situation, either put a boundary in place that I'm not going to do this or work on fixing it Right.

00:41:12.326 --> 00:41:14.108
This is a familiar story.

00:41:14.445 --> 00:41:32.226
I feel like a lot, of, a lot of women, or just kids children in general have this where they need to forgive their parents for not knowing better when they were younger.

00:41:32.226 --> 00:41:35.954
Yeah, I have this scenario.

00:41:35.954 --> 00:41:49.610
I stepped away from my mother for a while and I because I could remember a handful of things that I thought that I needed apologies for.

00:41:49.610 --> 00:42:05.262
You know that I was angry about, and then, as I grew up and then I chose to heal myself and to get better, I forgave her one by one and our relationship is so solid.

00:42:05.262 --> 00:42:08.983
Right now I can talk to her about just about anything.

00:42:08.983 --> 00:42:12.166
She can give me advice and it doesn't burn me.

00:42:12.286 --> 00:42:12.806
Absolutely.

00:42:12.806 --> 00:42:13.367
Isn't that crazy?

00:42:13.367 --> 00:42:14.367
It feels loving.

00:42:14.407 --> 00:42:25.954
Yeah, and it's so good and I really, yeah, this one really hits me really, yeah, yeah that took a lot of work for you to get to that place with your mom, do you?

00:42:25.976 --> 00:42:26.376
know what I mean.

00:42:26.376 --> 00:42:30.315
You have to, you have to want that you know, because you do have to be able to do that.

00:42:30.315 --> 00:42:34.173
I see a lot of people who that person owes me an apology.

00:42:34.173 --> 00:42:34.576
You know well.

00:42:34.576 --> 00:42:39.496
You're putting the power and the control on someone else's hands because you're expecting that they deliver.

00:42:39.496 --> 00:42:47.753
Whatever it is that you need, that you've constructed in your head that you need to be okay, right, instead of coming from the approach of I can handle anything.

00:42:47.753 --> 00:42:54.121
You're saying, I have to have all of these things constructed a certain way and people have to act a certain way in order for me to be okay.

00:42:54.121 --> 00:42:57.251
I have zero interest in running my life that way.

00:42:57.251 --> 00:43:00.396
Zero interest, it's there's no control in that right.

00:43:00.396 --> 00:43:06.215
I'm saying if you apologize to me and then it's like but you have to apologize to me, right Too, don't.

00:43:06.215 --> 00:43:07.219
I mean like right.

00:43:07.219 --> 00:43:08.644
How outrageous is that?

00:43:08.644 --> 00:43:11.094
That that's what you're hanging up your emotional wealth.

00:43:11.376 --> 00:43:14.188
Yeah, you have preferences in how someone apologizes to you.

00:43:14.188 --> 00:43:15.771
You have expectations for things.

00:43:15.771 --> 00:43:17.373
Well, of course, you're going to be miserable.

00:43:17.373 --> 00:43:20.257
We couldn't we, we provide all our own suffering by doing that.

00:43:20.257 --> 00:43:22.942
Right, you owe me this, you owe me that.

00:43:22.942 --> 00:43:31.351
Get real, that's not, that's not, that's not healthy to do it like that, you know and and you're setting yourself up for failure in that situation.

00:43:31.512 --> 00:43:36.813
So, being able to offer forgiveness to your mom, knowing that she did the best that she could, right, I think.

00:43:36.813 --> 00:43:52.802
I think, if you can really get to a place and I know it's not easy, this one took me a long time as well but in really understanding not just saying it, not just understanding it, but really feeling it that inherently, people do the best that they can with what they have.

00:43:52.802 --> 00:43:59.532
So if you look back at your parents and how they raised you oh my God, we can absolutely all find nothing but faults.

00:43:59.532 --> 00:44:04.197
My kids can look at how I raised them and go like, oh my God, what a mess she is.

00:44:04.197 --> 00:44:13.447
Or you can look at it from the other perspective that says my mom did the best that she could with what she had at that time, whatever it was, and be able to look at the positive things.

00:44:14.969 --> 00:44:16.032
You know, it's like a gratitude journal, right?

00:44:16.032 --> 00:44:18.918
You can start your day and say here are all the shitty things that I don't have or that went wrong.

00:44:18.918 --> 00:44:24.248
Or you can look at it from the perspective of here are the great things, that that I have and the things that are going.

00:44:24.248 --> 00:44:25.733
Right, you get to choose.

00:44:25.733 --> 00:44:28.981
You get to choose and it literally is is that simple?

00:44:28.981 --> 00:44:34.963
I know it seems crazy, but if you change your perspective down at the base of who you are all about perspective.

00:44:34.963 --> 00:44:39.096
If you change the perspective from down at the base of who you are, it changes everything for you.

00:44:39.096 --> 00:44:39.456
You know what.

00:44:39.456 --> 00:44:39.797
Know what I mean.

00:44:39.838 --> 00:44:46.967
It takes the power back for you and knowing that, like I don't need an apology from her, I don't need blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah I'm going to forgive her.

00:44:46.967 --> 00:44:48.974
I'm going to offer forgiveness, not for her but for me.

00:44:48.974 --> 00:44:50.637
I'm not going to be resentful for things.

00:44:50.637 --> 00:44:58.219
Being very diligent about getting resentment out of your house and by your house I mean just you individually right, you're four walls.

00:44:58.219 --> 00:45:08.842
Getting resentment out is a big task, but when you do that and then stay vigilant about not allowing resentment to come back in, it's a game changer.

00:45:08.842 --> 00:45:10.083
It's a game changer.

00:45:10.083 --> 00:45:14.719
I was drowning in resentment before I got sober, Literally drowning in resentment for everything.

00:45:15.110 --> 00:45:17.456
For multiple people, and it was my own damn fault.

00:45:17.789 --> 00:45:18.733
It was my own damn fault.

00:45:18.733 --> 00:45:19.335
You know.

00:45:19.335 --> 00:45:22.222
It goes back to that whole thing of like I'm doing everything for everybody.

00:45:22.222 --> 00:45:23.333
Well, who asked you?

00:45:23.333 --> 00:45:24.838
Ann Carver?

00:45:24.878 --> 00:45:25.840
Who asked you.

00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:27.438
I love Cameron for saying that.

00:45:27.458 --> 00:45:32.119
Oh my God, you know it takes a big pair of balls to stand up next to me and say shit like that.

00:45:32.119 --> 00:45:32.500
You know what?

00:45:32.500 --> 00:45:35.824
I mean so yeah, he and I are meant to be together.

00:45:35.824 --> 00:45:39.206
Leave that but, yeah, like because he wasn't being an asshole when he said it.

00:45:39.206 --> 00:45:42.067
He wasn't coming from a bad place, but he most certainly was.

00:45:42.067 --> 00:45:44.047
Who asked you to do all of that?

00:45:44.047 --> 00:45:48.829
Well, that shut me down in like a real hot second, you know, but I so I'm.

00:45:49.068 --> 00:46:06.097
So not only am I then taking things from people where I say I can do that better, let me do that for you, right, but then I hold it against you after the fact, and I'm resentful towards you for allowing me to basically honor my request of taking something from you in the first place, I mean what a mess.

00:46:06.298 --> 00:46:39.414
But when you say it out loud, right, like if you're doing the work to our listeners, if you're doing the work and something makes you feel like oh, and you're like very righteous, in that moment, you know, and you feel like whatever, just like while you're driving around in your car, say it out loud to you, to yourself, run the scenario, put the shoe on the other foot and think if somebody did that to you, whatever that scenario is and I will guarantee you it will help fix some of your stuff because you're like outrageous that I even feel like that would be my right to demand.

00:46:39.414 --> 00:46:44.498
You know, whatever it is, it's outrageous, you know, but it's like it's really.

00:46:44.498 --> 00:47:00.407
You got to look in the mirror, you got to be willing to look in the mirror to do the work, because we are all messed up, every single one of us and the stuff that we try to put out there to like make everything OK so that we can handle stuff, you're setting yourself up for failure.

00:47:03.411 --> 00:47:09.443
You're setting yourself up to be miserable you're you're creating your own suffering yeah, I believe that me too.

00:47:09.443 --> 00:47:10.306
Yeah, okay, next question.

00:47:10.306 --> 00:47:14.637
Really great, that was a good one let's do this okay.

00:47:14.637 --> 00:47:15.920
How do you feel like it's?

00:47:15.940 --> 00:47:17.824
going so far, belinda, I I like it.

00:47:17.824 --> 00:47:19.233
Okay, I'm learning so much.

00:47:19.233 --> 00:47:22.581
I'm gonna definitely take it home and do some journaling.

00:47:22.851 --> 00:47:26.440
I can't wait to hear what Casey says afterwards, to see if she likes it or not.

00:47:27.302 --> 00:47:27.581
All right.

00:47:27.581 --> 00:47:32.617
My husband and I were raised with religious communities, among other conservative values.

00:47:32.617 --> 00:47:39.994
We were taught that a wife is to be responsible for domestic labor and a husband is to be a primary breadwinner outside of the home.

00:47:39.994 --> 00:47:49.101
Yes, even in the 90s and the 2000s, we were still deeply involved in the communities when we were married at 21 and 22.

00:47:49.101 --> 00:47:58.172
I wasn't physically attracted to my husband at the time of our courtship or marriage, but he was, and still is, very kind to me.

00:47:58.172 --> 00:48:06.961
I was led to believe that I was following God's path by getting married, and the union allowed me to escape my demeaning, domineering father.

00:48:06.961 --> 00:48:19.739
The initial relief and freedom I experienced slowly evolved into feelings of resentment when I started realizing my husband is not equipped emotionally or intellectually to provide for the family I hoped for.

00:48:19.739 --> 00:48:26.077
Luckily, we have agreed that many of our family's traditional values are simply not serving our needs.

00:48:26.579 --> 00:48:29.614
I now enjoy a career and provide the majority of our income.

00:48:29.614 --> 00:48:35.393
I'm still responsible for most of the housework, despite the conversations about balancing labor.

00:48:35.393 --> 00:48:40.371
My husband recognizes that he needs to step up, but has struggled to follow through.

00:48:40.371 --> 00:48:45.556
Men doing housework was not modeled for him growing up, which makes it challenging.

00:48:45.556 --> 00:48:47.255
His heart is in the right place.

00:48:47.255 --> 00:48:48.478
But that doesn't help me.

00:48:48.478 --> 00:48:51.840
I feel burnt out and alone.

00:48:51.840 --> 00:48:54.757
We have been in marriage counseling for a year.

00:48:54.757 --> 00:48:55.900
Nothing has changed.

00:48:55.900 --> 00:48:57.815
I'm turning 30 this year.

00:48:57.815 --> 00:48:58.940
Oh God, I know.

00:48:59.271 --> 00:49:10.976
It's hurting my soul to listen to this one like really hurting my soul oh my god, I'm turning 30 this year and started to despair about the future of our marriage and the possibility of having children.

00:49:10.976 --> 00:49:15.211
I wanted a partner to I can count on and I'm chasing a fantasy.

00:49:15.211 --> 00:49:17.396
Thank god they don't have kids yet yeah.

00:49:17.396 --> 00:49:18.577
My gosh.

00:49:18.757 --> 00:49:19.880
Run like hell.

00:49:19.880 --> 00:49:20.481
Run like hell.

00:49:20.481 --> 00:49:22.744
There's red flags.

00:49:26.192 --> 00:49:28.099
It hasn't changed it feels like a carnival of red flags.

00:49:28.119 --> 00:49:29.083
Do you know what I mean?

00:49:29.083 --> 00:49:33.338
You weren't sexually attracted to your husband when you were courting or when you got married.

00:49:33.338 --> 00:49:37.735
Listen, I get it.

00:49:37.735 --> 00:49:40.815
It feels like they're telling my story Mine too.

00:49:40.815 --> 00:49:42.659
Oh my god.

00:49:42.659 --> 00:49:43.695
It feels like they're telling my story Mine too.

00:49:43.695 --> 00:49:43.427
Oh my God.

00:49:44.472 --> 00:49:45.516
So run like hell.

00:49:45.516 --> 00:49:47.635
It doesn't matter where it comes from.

00:49:47.635 --> 00:49:49.641
As far as religious or whatever, it's not getting better.

00:49:49.641 --> 00:49:50.231
I don't give a shit.

00:49:50.231 --> 00:50:08.164
What was modeled to you or not modeled to you, women that are going to pull half of the weight as it relates to the workforce and then still be expected by their husband or somebody to carry more than half of the cognitive load of running a house, or the labor of running a house as it relates to that.

00:50:08.164 --> 00:50:09.045
Run like hell.

00:50:09.045 --> 00:50:10.260
A year's too long.

00:50:10.260 --> 00:50:12.998
A year's too long for him to not be able to get over that.

00:50:12.998 --> 00:50:13.760
That's tough shit.

00:50:13.760 --> 00:50:31.898
You weren't raised that way, okay, right, but you've been risen, right, and we're adults now, and so there's a weekly chore, you know, chart, and if, if, old boy isn't taking care of his half, right, am I wrong?

00:50:32.159 --> 00:50:32.800
no, no.

00:50:33.262 --> 00:50:35.688
I wouldn't put more good time after bad in that situation.

00:50:35.688 --> 00:50:37.356
No, because it's already resentful.

00:50:37.436 --> 00:50:39.826
It's so much and you can get over that.

00:50:39.826 --> 00:50:46.873
I believe that I've worked through resentment, I've done all of the things as it relates to that, so I totally get it, but it doesn't sound like he's really interested.

00:50:46.873 --> 00:50:57.251
Because if you have a conversation for a year where you say I'm pulling in more money than you are right, so theoretically he should be pulling more weight around the house.

00:50:57.251 --> 00:51:01.277
You can have dinner ready when I get home is what I would say if I were her.

00:51:01.277 --> 00:51:02.840
Do you know what I mean Like?

00:51:02.840 --> 00:51:05.724
And if he doesn't want to do it, then that's not a partnership.

00:51:05.724 --> 00:51:15.827
You know, and and honestly, if you were getting away from your father in a situation in in you were religious and that was your way out and like all of the things, I totally get it.

00:51:15.827 --> 00:51:23.936
But your life is barely started at 30, run like hell, find some man that sweeps you off your feet, that sweeps the kitchen as well, right, you know.

00:51:23.936 --> 00:51:27.614
And if you want to work or don't work, I don't care about the roles as it relates to that.

00:51:27.614 --> 00:51:40.418
I really have no opinion as it relates to that If you want to be a stay at home mom and that's where your heart is and you pair up with a partner that loves that for you and you're going to do the cooking and the cleaning and the children raising and all of that stuff absolutely excellent.

00:51:40.418 --> 00:51:44.364
But to not feel like someone is an equal partner with you, it's a non-starter.

00:51:44.364 --> 00:51:45.365
It's a non-starter.

00:51:45.429 --> 00:51:49.579
And for him to say I wasn't raised that way, it wasn't modeled for me, I don't give a shit.

00:51:49.579 --> 00:51:54.559
My dad was never around, grow up Right Like he never had any responsibilities at the house.

00:51:54.559 --> 00:52:05.297
Do you think I live in a world where I'm going to pull in half the income and then I'm also going to go home and do all the things too?

00:52:05.297 --> 00:52:05.579
Not a chance.

00:52:05.579 --> 00:52:05.898
Not in my world.

00:52:05.898 --> 00:52:06.219
Not in my world.

00:52:06.219 --> 00:52:06.681
And again, she's 30.

00:52:06.681 --> 00:52:08.045
Yeah, I would say cut your losses.

00:52:08.045 --> 00:52:12.777
Tell old boy thank you for the experience and for the lessons that I've learned.

00:52:12.777 --> 00:52:14.161
It's time to move on.

00:52:14.382 --> 00:52:17.539
And I don't give a shit about religion and people that think we have to stay married and whatever.

00:52:17.539 --> 00:52:31.518
If you want to choose to be miserable your entire life because you can't get over the the deep-rooted shit that religion uh, organized religion puts into you, fix your shit, fix your shit I have a lot of.

00:52:32.820 --> 00:52:41.581
There's a lot of similarities in here for me that are just like and you, I remember you telling me you, you got to leave him, you got to leave him.

00:52:41.581 --> 00:52:45.077
It's not right and I just wasn't hearing you.

00:52:45.077 --> 00:52:48.981
And like how many years later I know.

00:52:49.231 --> 00:52:50.195
And I didn't do it.

00:52:50.195 --> 00:52:51.057
You've never looked better.

00:52:51.972 --> 00:52:52.795
I didn't do that.

00:52:52.795 --> 00:53:01.123
I am so grateful for him doing and standing up and being so strong in that.

00:53:01.123 --> 00:53:05.829
That.

00:53:05.829 --> 00:53:13.880
It has helped both of us and, yes, it should have happened or could have happened a long time ago, but you know divine timing right it's all about timing yeah, it is, and, and you know what, here's the whole thing.

00:53:13.900 --> 00:53:17.094
Like, we're not meant to be miserable, you know?

00:53:17.094 --> 00:53:26.378
And if he's not your guy, if I ever said someone doesn't do it for me, right, like this is my guy, but he doesn't graze my peach, fuck off.

00:53:26.378 --> 00:53:27.061
You know what I mean.

00:53:27.061 --> 00:53:30.552
Like not a chance, your guy better do it for you.

00:53:30.552 --> 00:53:31.795
Yep, do you know what I mean?

00:53:31.795 --> 00:53:33.559
Like that's a really important thing.

00:53:33.559 --> 00:53:34.302
Yeah, you know.

00:53:34.302 --> 00:53:37.458
And it doesn't mean that we all have to stay buff and amazing and never have any.

00:53:37.458 --> 00:53:40.536
You know, like all the things, but he better do it for you.

00:53:40.536 --> 00:53:42.440
That's part of having a partner that any.

00:53:42.440 --> 00:53:43.722
You know, like all the things, but he better do it for you.

00:53:43.744 --> 00:53:46.409
That's part of having a partner that like yeah, you know, doesn't all have to be just sexual attraction.

00:53:46.409 --> 00:53:58.559
I mean, it's a whole thing, but it doesn't sound like she's very, it sounds like her marriage is very lackluster, and what I'm telling you is you're only 30 and that's a you got a lot of years, a lot of years, a lot of mileage left.

00:53:58.579 --> 00:54:01.764
Go find somebody that makes you live out loud.

00:54:01.764 --> 00:54:05.532
For sure I'll take that advice.

00:54:05.532 --> 00:54:07.358
I love it, I know you will.

00:54:07.358 --> 00:54:07.898
I love that.

00:54:07.898 --> 00:54:08.862
I love that for you.

00:54:08.862 --> 00:54:11.235
All right, let's do one more.

00:54:11.737 --> 00:54:17.510
All right, my husband is the oldest of five, with four younger adult sisters.

00:54:17.510 --> 00:54:24.757
Many people ask if he's the favorite, since he was the first born and the only male, but it couldn't be further from the truth.

00:54:24.757 --> 00:54:33.202
My mother-in-law's favors my mother-in-law favors her daughters at to the point of almost ignoring my husband when it comes to grandchildren.

00:54:33.202 --> 00:54:38.956
She's obsessed with her granddaughter's children and pretty much ignores our children's existence.

00:54:38.956 --> 00:54:44.083
She visits the other 10 times every.

00:54:44.083 --> 00:54:49.177
She visits others 10 times for every one visit to ours.

00:54:49.177 --> 00:54:56.838
When my mother, when my husband has spoken to her about it, she says just doesn't see it.

00:54:56.838 --> 00:55:03.851
Our children have been hurt by her more than see it.

00:55:03.851 --> 00:55:05.396
Um, our children have been hurt by her more than more times than I can count.

00:55:05.396 --> 00:55:07.164
How can I make her see the pain she continually causes for our family?

00:55:07.164 --> 00:55:08.891
First of all, sorry, I struggled in that one.

00:55:09.813 --> 00:55:12.818
Um, but I, I there are.

00:55:12.818 --> 00:55:21.219
Um, yeah, I want to know what you think, because there's parts of this that reside in my family, or people that feel that way.

00:55:21.219 --> 00:55:27.119
I mean, if they feel that way, that's the way they feel, and it doesn't matter what's actually happening.

00:55:27.530 --> 00:55:30.371
Yeah, but she's not going to convince somebody else of something Like.

00:55:30.371 --> 00:55:34.436
Her question was how do I make somebody else see that you don't right?

00:55:34.436 --> 00:55:46.572
Shore things up in your own household so that you protect your kiddos, right, if grandma doesn't want to have a relationship with you but she does want with other, whatever.

00:55:46.572 --> 00:55:47.494
Don't make it a whole big thing, you know like.

00:55:47.514 --> 00:55:58.193
Go the extra mile to be amazing to your children and don't involve them in adult issues you know, because when you, when you involve kiddos and things like that, I just don't think that's the right, the right move, you know.

00:55:58.193 --> 00:56:07.335
Protect them in that situation and you know grandma doesn't have a lot of time for stuff and whatever, not to make excuses for her, for her, but just to make it so that your kids don't feel that so much.

00:56:07.335 --> 00:56:11.931
You know, a lot of people don't have super close relationships with grandparents.

00:56:11.931 --> 00:56:17.150
It's unfortunate, but I'm not going to force something that's not there, right?

00:56:17.150 --> 00:56:21.000
You know, again, those people are human beings that have their own lives.

00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:25.036
They don't just play the grandparents to your children or the parent to your husband.

00:56:25.036 --> 00:56:25.860
You know what I mean.

00:56:25.860 --> 00:56:35.110
So the idea of how do I make someone see is it goes back to how do I make things so that it's okay around me, right?

00:56:35.110 --> 00:56:36.072
It's not going to be.

00:56:36.072 --> 00:56:40.672
Obviously they don't want to be involved with your kids, or, you know, or there's something that's blocking that.

00:56:40.672 --> 00:56:44.663
So just pull back and just protect your kiddos and, you know, get them plugged into other things.

00:56:44.663 --> 00:56:50.822
Or maybe she has parents that are her parents, that are, you know, better grandparents that you can focus more energy on.

00:56:50.822 --> 00:56:58.063
You know, cameron's parents are not active participants with my children at all.

00:56:58.063 --> 00:57:04.237
That would be like me saying let me go convince them, let me go show them how hurtful it is that they're not around.

00:57:04.237 --> 00:57:04.918
They're not.

00:57:04.918 --> 00:57:06.992
I'm not going to talk with my kiddos about it.

00:57:06.992 --> 00:57:12.416
I'm going to focus on the good stuff that happens in our kiddos lives, and if they don't want to be active grandparents, that's on them.

00:57:12.697 --> 00:57:13.561
Yeah, you know what I mean.

00:57:13.561 --> 00:57:27.409
That's no-transcript.

00:57:27.409 --> 00:57:30.556
Maybe I never want to see my grandchildren, maybe I hate children.

00:57:30.556 --> 00:57:33.523
You know what I mean.

00:57:33.523 --> 00:57:35.574
It doesn't matter what you're going to.

00:57:35.574 --> 00:57:36.838
Come try to tell me and convince me.

00:57:36.838 --> 00:57:39.619
Maybe they do play favorites, right?

00:57:39.619 --> 00:57:43.193
Everybody has favorites in their children.

00:57:43.193 --> 00:57:45.699
Who's who's the kids that are the easiest that whatever?

00:57:45.699 --> 00:57:46.481
You know what I mean.

00:57:46.481 --> 00:57:48.215
Maybe your mother-in-law doesn't like you.

00:57:48.215 --> 00:57:50.342
I mean, does it matter?

00:57:50.342 --> 00:57:51.367
Right?

00:57:51.367 --> 00:57:52.650
You don't have control over that, you're not.

00:57:52.650 --> 00:57:55.681
You don't have to go figure out a way to be able to go convince her of something.

00:57:55.681 --> 00:57:59.514
Just put the boundary in place and then you protect things in your house.

00:57:59.514 --> 00:57:59.815
That's it.

00:57:59.815 --> 00:58:01.538
Yeah, you Put the boundary in place and then you protect things in your house.

00:58:01.557 --> 00:58:01.777
That's it.

00:58:01.777 --> 00:58:06.264
Yeah, you know you're not going to convince other people to act a certain way so that it's more comfortable for you.

00:58:06.264 --> 00:58:07.246
Do you know what I mean?

00:58:08.291 --> 00:58:16.291
Yeah, yes, right, yeah, it's just.

00:58:16.291 --> 00:58:17.052
I don't know Again.

00:58:17.052 --> 00:58:20.635
Other people are worrying about other people, and it's yeah.

00:58:21.054 --> 00:58:31.423
Worry about yourself, yeah, Worry about what's happening within you and realize that if stuff doesn't feel right, you know back to the gal that's 30 and she's saying to her husband if it doesn't feel right, it's not right.

00:58:31.704 --> 00:58:35.487
And there's not anything that you have to do to try to conform to something else.

00:58:35.487 --> 00:58:42.576
Right, that doesn't feel right in your gut, in your knowing?

00:58:42.576 --> 00:58:42.817
Then fix it.

00:58:42.817 --> 00:58:44.606
Yeah, right, that's how you, that's how you get an alignment with your authentic self is.

00:58:44.606 --> 00:58:47.675
Take care of yourself, because she knows it's all over in her post about stuff.

00:58:47.675 --> 00:58:49.440
Same thing with the other gal like, oh, she's got this.

00:58:49.440 --> 00:58:51.414
You can't control other people, right.

00:58:51.414 --> 00:58:53.539
Worry about what's happening within yourself.

00:58:53.539 --> 00:58:54.501
Reconcile that.

00:58:54.501 --> 00:59:00.501
Set yourself up for success by not having expectations of what other people are going to do for you to be okay.

00:59:00.501 --> 00:59:01.583
You're okay either way.

00:59:02.070 --> 00:59:03.637
There's lots of kids that don't have grandkids.

00:59:03.637 --> 00:59:07.981
They don't need your husband's mom to be part of that, right?

00:59:07.981 --> 00:59:16.378
Like my kids have grandparents that don't know a lot of stuff about a lot of things and aren't plugged in at all for all sorts of reasons.

00:59:16.378 --> 00:59:19.313
Okay, yeah, you know I'm not going to make it a big deal.

00:59:19.313 --> 00:59:21.016
I'm not going to make my kids feel bad about it.

00:59:21.016 --> 00:59:23.021
Like that's just the kind of grandparents they are.

00:59:23.021 --> 00:59:23.923
Nothing wrong with that.

00:59:23.923 --> 00:59:25.512
Yeah, so well.

00:59:25.512 --> 00:59:30.842
Thank you so much, belinda, for coming today and trying out this, this new WACT concept.

00:59:30.981 --> 00:59:31.684
I liked it.

00:59:31.684 --> 00:59:32.690
Do you I?

00:59:32.690 --> 00:59:33.891
Yeah, I liked it a lot.

00:59:33.911 --> 00:59:34.612
It was good.

00:59:34.612 --> 00:59:41.259
Well, we feedback from the listeners and find out if this is a viable concept.

00:59:41.259 --> 00:59:53.771
You know, because I think again, just coming from a place of experience and here's a suggestion for making things okay, not a place of judgment.

00:59:53.771 --> 01:00:02.351
We've been in all of these situations, you know they resonate with us for different things, but, being seasoned women of a certain age, we can say I wish I had someone to tell me in my first marriage run like hell.

01:00:02.351 --> 01:00:05.003
Yeah, or don't do that, or do you know what I mean?

01:00:05.003 --> 01:00:09.177
I wish I had an experienced auntie that was like oh honey, you don't have to do that.

01:00:09.177 --> 01:00:11.081
I wish I had that, you know so.

01:00:11.081 --> 01:00:14.155
So maybe this will bring a little bit for people.

01:00:14.155 --> 01:00:14.637
Who knows?

01:00:15.659 --> 01:00:22.512
For this week's May I Suggest hmm, that's a good one.

01:00:22.512 --> 01:00:24.217
May I suggest just getting curious about yourself.

01:00:24.217 --> 01:00:26.978
You know something that doesn't feel right in your gut.

01:00:26.978 --> 01:00:31.563
Get curious about what that is, because we have it in ourselves to fix that stuff.

01:00:31.563 --> 01:00:44.614
Yeah, if you have suggestions or questions or if you have a scenario that you think would be fun to have answered on our next WACKED episode, please send us an email.

01:00:44.614 --> 01:00:48.561
Our email address is ladies at letsgetnakedpodcastcom.

01:00:48.561 --> 01:00:50.614
And until next week.

01:00:50.614 --> 01:00:51.396
That's a wrap.

01:00:51.396 --> 01:00:52.239
Thanks guys.

01:00:52.239 --> 01:01:01.632
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

01:01:01.632 --> 01:01:02.713
Let's get naked.