From Addiction to Empowerment: Lauren’s Journey to Self-Love

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast.

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Today, we're getting naked with my good friend, Lauren.

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She has a pretty incredible story and so I wanted to have her on because I think her story is very relatable for stuff that people go through as it relates to alcohol.

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Lauren has been sober for 10 years Just over 10 years, Just over 10 years so she's got some good time in, she's been doing the work, and so I think that her story is very relevant to a lot of people that struggle with alcohol, both people that are sober now and also people that kind of toy around with it.

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You know, I think a lot of people don't realize that alcoholics come in all sorts of different forms.

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You know, obviously Lauren is a beautiful woman and you think of alcoholism being something that kind of doesn't affect the beautiful people.

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I think I always had that where it was like no, it's more like homeless people and you know, you know people that are really down on their luck and it's like no, all of the people are affected, and so I think that that's it's.

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You know, it's interesting and I'm excited to hear her story.

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So, Lauren, if you want to maybe start by just kind of giving your family of origin, kind of where that started, and then we'll just kind of go into walking you down the path of what got you drinking and what that looked like, and remembering that it's an hour podcast, Start from day one.

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Exactly so.

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Yeah, welcome, and please kick us off with a little bit of a backstory.

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Sure, yeah, thanks for having me Super excited to be here, love sharing my story, really, because it's not about me, but it's always a privilege to talk about, like the solution, because there is a solution, you know, and I really believe in that.

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Um, but, yeah, so, so my, my family of origin, uh, you know, my parents are from good old Salt Lake city, utah.

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Um, we have some Mormon roots in there and, uh, eventually I'm going to have an autobiography called Mormon for a minute.

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I don't know when that's going to come out, but yeah, so we, there's four of us kids I have two older sisters and a younger brother, and we were all born here in Arizona and, yeah, we're, we're a very close knit family.

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We have a huge family on both sides.

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Most of my dad's side is still in Utah, all very Mormon, and a lot of my mom's side is here in Phoenix, and then we're all spread out because just on my mom's side there's nine kids.

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So a lot of moving and shaking in our family.

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And, for that matter, you know, alcoholic addicts are a dime a dozen in my family as well, so I definitely feel like there's a genetic proponent to that.

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Yeah, as well as mental illness and generational trauma.

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It all just moves on.

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You have like a nice mix of all of that.

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Yeah, yeah.

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So that's fun genetic pool to dabble in.

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But yeah, I, I would say you know, my experience with all of that is like I, I think I came out alcoholic addict.

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You know what I mean?

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I don't, for me, it's not like a thing where, like I became alcoholic addict when I started drinking or started whatever like it, it's either there or it's not, and how it manifests is how it manifests.

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For me it's it's either there or it's not, and how it manifests is how it manifests.

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For me it's it's can manifest a million different ways.

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Like I'm sober today and, um, I don't do any, any type of drugs, any type of alcohol or mind-altering substances, but I'm still an alcoholic addict, right, like that can manifest in a million different ways, sure, um?

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So, yeah, I mean, you know I like I had a great childhood.

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My parents are incredible and, of course, they're not perfect, um, and no one is and every family has, like, their trauma and their things that have happened.

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Um, and you know, we for sure have that.

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But you know my parents are super old school, very traditional, um, did they?

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drink.

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Sorry to interrupt you know it's crazy, because no.

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Okay, yeah, mine didn't either.

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They don't drink.

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You know they're both children of alcoholic parents you know.

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So that's like a whole thing.

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Right, there's another program for that.

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So we know that that's like a very real thing.

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Sure, you know, coming out of that type of childhood and whatnot.

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But so yeah, they're both very not alcoholic addict, but they've been around it a long time.

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So I mean, for me it was like not a mystery, like growing up it was pretty apparent that I was very much that personality and you know, I was like, well, you're probably an alcoholic you know it's like yeah, well, okay.

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well, you know I'm 15, so maybe in 10 years I'll get in there.

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But, like for me, you know, a lot of people come in and they're like I had no idea and you know, I thought I was going to come in and like learn how to drink or like do all these things, and and I knew exactly what it was.

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You know I knew that, like when you, when you come into Alcoholics Anonymous and and there are a lot of ways to get sober right, like there are people that don't do Alcoholics Anonymous and whatever works for you I just have found that for me, a 12 step program has pretty much addressed any and every issue that I have Right and I I feel like um, any person can benefit from a 12 step program program.

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I could not agree with you more yeah, the 12 steps is what it addresses for you as a human being, having like a human experience and just like the lights that come on.

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you know, I think anyone could benefit from that being able to look yourself in the mirror and take accountability for your part in stuff, I think is the biggest part of it, because I think there are so many people out there that are really playing the victim card and the what happened to them, and it's if you really are willing to take a hard look at yourself, you'll find that you have a much bigger part than you give yourself credit for.

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And it really is freeing to be able to look yourself in the mirror and take accountability for the fact that you've done shitty stuff because we all have a hundred percent and I think too, like, um, you know, prior to that, I think that you, you know, I just felt like life was happening to me all the time and I think that that's a lot of times the perspective that people have because they don't know any better and they've not been shown something different.

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But you know, for me, like there, there is no power in being a victim at all, and once you realize that you actually have a role in your life, that you have choices, that there are always choices.

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And I know for me, like prior to recovery and prior to to going on the journey of, like, you know who am I?

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What makes me crazy?

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Why do I get triggered by that?

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What the fuck's going on in my life?

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You know, um, I still don't have the answer to that question, by the way.

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Like, what the fuck?

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am I doing?

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We're still looking at, yeah, we're still looking into that one.

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Uh, yeah, I I don't.

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You know.

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I never occurred to me like why do I behave that way or why.

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You know, it was just like and there's still moments like that, I think even in sobriety where you're just trying to do the best that you can, um, but knowing that, like I, I participate in my life, I make choices, there are consequences to my choices and then I always have options.

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You know, before there was never options, it was always black and white and it was always very dramatic, like we have a joke in the rooms where it's, like you know, normal people get a flat tire and they call triple a and like alcoholics, call like the suicide hotline.

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It's just like very black and white.

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Like woe is me?

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Life is so hard Um you know, and life is hard, but it is also really really amazing, right, like when you get on this path of being like wow, there's just so many cool things that happen in life, so many cool blessings, um, just just amazing people and experiences.

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And, and I think too, like if you can just kind of step outside of life and have this perspective of like, yeah, it's going to be hard and there's going to be challenges, um, but you can kind of be outside looking in and still be able to come from a place of like gratitude and a place of like absolutely Wow, there, there's always a blessing somewhere.

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Yeah, Well, and I think that that changes your perspective on everything, when you really shift from being a victim to being a person that can come from a place of gratitude.

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If you change your perspective, it it's.

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It sounds silly, but it is literally, literally a game changer, if you can figure out how to do that.

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And it's different for everybody, right, because if you've been playing that victim role and playing that victim mentality and that life is happening to you for a long time, it's a hard one to switch, but once you do that, a lot of the pieces just kind of start falling into place where life isn't as hard, right, I think we make it harder for ourselves by, like, what you're talking about, you know, really, really playing that card up.

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So, yeah, yeah, I mean, I know, for me I think it can be scary too to think of like taking accountability for yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your life.

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Like you know, that's like a really tall order for people it is, and I think you know that's terrifying for people to be like.

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Oh wait, I actually had a role in that.

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Yeah, you know.

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Yeah, and it takes a lot of courage to do that.

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And I think, too, that that's the thing that you know being accountable, taking responsibility, doing the work.

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Yeah, it takes a lot of courage to do that, and it takes a lot of bravery just to like keep showing up, yeah, and to keep being vulnerable.

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And you know like we talk about like keeping our heart open yes like that's.

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That's scary right that in and of itself is a full-time job open yeah, but that's where it all happens.

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You know, that's where all the magic happens, whereas and and you know, there are some days where I'm like I'm just gonna keep my heart open.

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I'm gonna keep my heart open it wants to shut, shut from, like all the old programming and the old bullshit which is still there and it can always be there, but it's learning how to have a different response to that all the time.

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And knowing that you know the good stuff that comes from having your heart open and leaving yourself open and vulnerable.

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I don't want to trade that, and so that, for me, is how I do that, when I do feel like I'm closing up or shielding up is do I want to lose how good that feels when my energy is just flowing?

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Um, and if, obviously, for me, the answer is always no, it doesn't matter, I don't want to lose that Then you lean into the discomfort of whatever it is, and and it's interesting to me because as you do the work and things are coming up it's it's some pretty crazy stuff, right?

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I mean you, you blocked all of that stuff and stuff and didn't process all of the emotions associated with things probably for your whole life before you got sober, right, I mean, that's part of being an alcoholic and just numbing that, and people numb with all sorts of different things.

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But when you're ready to start letting that stuff come up, it'll come up, you know, but it's hard.

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It's hard because it's for me.

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I think I didn't feel all of those things when they were happening, and so now, as I'm going through all of the journey of this work and things are coming up.

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It's like you feel the emotions that you should have felt back then, but you didn't, right?

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And so you are going through a lot of things that are hard, that you want to shield up, you want to close up for, and you have to just stay open and feel all the feels.

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Yeah, yeah, and I mean, you know, emotions are a lot and they're, uh, they're heavy you know, like you feel that pain physically, you feel it mentally, emotionally, um yeah, I mean, and I can say like even in in recovery and having some time, um, you know, the thing that I've realized is that all of that stuff is still going to come.

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You know, like there is no graduation of life.

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There's no, at some point I'm going to be better, and when hard things happen, I'm just going to automatically be like, well, just turn it over and it's going to be all good.

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Like I still have to walk through those feelings and in anything that I experience that triggers any type of fear or trauma or whatever, like you know, I have to go through that, I have to feel that and you know, like we have a saying, it's like the good news is you get your feelings back and the bad news is you get your feelings back.

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It's true, yeah, and there's a million ways that you can check out and that you can numb out, and it doesn't have to be drugs and alcohol, it can be sex, it can be shopping, it be shopping, it can be people relationships, all the you know organizing your house every other day, whatever it is right, um, but yeah, I mean, we're human beings, like we're meant to have emotions.

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There's, there's names for emotions and and tons of them, and it's just part of the deal that we have to like go through and and process and and and hopefully you get more mature, right and get better at that.

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Um, I know that I have, but I still have like days where it's not that great right, so that's just part of it too yeah, how old were you when you started drinking?

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um, so I first started drinking.

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I uh, probably 14, 15, and um, you know, drinking for me, like I remember the first time I drank and it wasn't't really like it didn't start out with like this, like love connection with drinking and I think, because you know, I was an alcoholic addict and it manifested a million different ways for me.

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So prior to drinking I was just like I mean, I am an intense person that just kind of goes all the way through.

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But, um, I had an eating disorder and you know, my eating disorder was definitely that was like my, my love, you know my first love, and that started, um, you know, when I was like 10 or 11 and that was really like my main coping, coping mechanism.

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And then I will say, you know, there's a lot of different ways to treat eating disorders, but for me, me, the only thing that has ever ever worked for my eating disorder was a 12-step program and and addressing it in the exact same way that I address alcoholism and the an addiction right like a way to check out, a way to feel like I have control a way to

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feel like I have power.

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Um, so, so for me, um, that that was really confusing for me too, because for for almost the two decades that I was, you know, an alcoholic addict and eating disorder or whatever.

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It was kind of like whack-a-mole where I was like you know one if I was doing a lot of drugs and it was like, well, the other ones aren't that bad, Like, my problems are drugs, and it's like if I wasn't doing drugs I'm like, well, my eating disorder is the main problem.

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So it's not really you know so like you can kind of bounce around and stay in in your delusion in that way.

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But, um, guess what I mean?

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The 12 steps worked for all three of them, right, that's great turns out.

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I, uh, can pretty much be in like almost any 12-step program that there is, and and I'm okay with that today right right, um, yeah, so.

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So I, I was checking out, you know, for a long time, right away, in whatever way that I could.

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As far as my drinking goes and I was a blackout drinker, pretty much from jump, I mean, I would say like middle school is really when things started to kick off, because there were things that were happening in my family, with mental illness and a lot of chaos, a lot of you know.

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I didn't know what I was dealing with, what was happening or how to process the things that were happening in my home and so, naturally, being the personality that I am, you know, all of my addictions and ways of checking out started to manifest, because that was how I knew how to cope.

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Right, no one was sitting us down being like how do you feel about what's going on and here's how we're going to move forward?

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And you know we just my parents didn't have that tools, no one gave them those tools, and so we weren't handed those tools and but, yeah, my drinking, like everything you know, I have a tendency to overshoot the mark like a thousand percent With working out late, it doesn't matter.

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I always say balance is like this special unicorn somewhere floating around.

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Let me know when you see a unicorn.

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That's kind of how balance is for me.

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But yeah, I drank like an alcoholic right away, you know, like way too much all the time.

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You know, high school was like this blur of just parting my ass off as much as possible, but also having you know.

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One of the things that I decided when I was younger, when a lot of things were happening in my family, is that I needed to be perfect, and I needed to be perfect because nobody else had time for me.

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Right, like, my problems, whatever was going on with me couldn't be dealt with because my parents were busy with other siblings and they were trying to like hold down the fort, were trying to like hold down the fort.

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So a lot of those um like base core, um, you know values, systems that we tell ourself is like you have to take care of yourself, you have to be perfect, so nobody knows what's wrong, everything's fine, you're going to take care of everything, you're going to figure everything out, um.

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So that was kind of like one one how I put out to the world this is how I am, I'm perfect, I got straight A's, I'm a varsity student, everything's good, I'm doing everything right.

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And then there was the other side of me that was like wanted to check out from that lie that I was telling people and didn't really match up to, because the inside of me was not feeling that way at all.

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I was feeling quite the opposite.

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So then it was like now it's time for me to get fucked up because I don't have to think about being perfect when I'm fucked up Absolutely.

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I can forget about everything.

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Who knows what's going to happen?

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I don't even care, right, and when you black out and you're functioning, doing that, I think people don't understand.

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Yeah, if you've, if you've not been a drinker to blackout which I'm in that same club with you, I don't think you understand.

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But it is literally like a like a warm blanket, because you're like I'm going to check out, I don't have to do any of the things, I just get to be on autopilot, you know, and um, and so I, I totally get that.

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Yeah, and it and, and to some extent it works, until it stops working right Like you know there were a lot of times.

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Like you know, I was never like a daily drinker, Like I didn't, I didn't roll over and like, grab my fifth from under the bed.

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You know what I mean.

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That wasn't the drinker I was.

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But whenever I drank at first it was like I'm going to get fucked up every time and I can't wait and I don't give a fuck.

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What happened Absolutely After that?

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It was like I don't know what's going to happen after you hear enough stories, you know.

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Um, but, but I did know that I didn't have control of that Right, like I pretty much knew that going in Right, um, but yeah it, it.

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It was really, like you know, having like these two personalities and it talks about that in the big book Um, um, you know how we kind of have like these two identities and, um, I really related with that and I can say that today, after having x amount of time and doing x amount of work, and I and I think even in with time, in sobriety it, it takes a while to get to this place where, like um today, I can say like my insides and my outsides totally match up.

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Today, I can say like my insides and my outsides totally match up.

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And not only that, but everywhere in my life I am who I am.

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Yes, I'm exactly the same at work, which is like such a blessing and so amazing as I am at home, right as I am, with my friends, right as I am you know what I mean.

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Yeah, and you can.

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Incredible blessing that is.

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And of course there's moments of like.

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That's not like 100 percent, all but um.

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It is kind of like one of the fruits of of all the hard work, that it's like I I'm more comfortable with, with who I am, than I've ever been in my life.

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You know, I love myself more than I've ever loved myself in my life.

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And um, it's pretty amazing.

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I think that's the gift.

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You know.

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I think I look back to when I was drinking and thinking about the same stuff, where you're talking about kind of the mask or the person that you put out to people that you are, and then here's who you are kind of behind the scenes.

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It's definitely this duality that for me, I didn't realize until more recently in the last couple of years how big that was how big of a difference that was, and so you know, to be able to be doing the work myself and really being at this place of feeling my authentic self.

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And, like you said, there isn't a mask, it's what you see, is what you get.

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I'm a lot, I get that, you know, like all of the things, but I'm not I'm not going to water that down for people I'm.

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I'm not going to feel like I have to justify and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and so I don't feel like I have to be a different person for people.

00:20:47.414 --> 00:20:52.452
I don't have to put a mask on and take a mask off, which I think is definitely a thing when you're drinking.

00:20:53.075 --> 00:20:53.777
Oh yeah, for sure.

00:20:53.777 --> 00:21:08.532
I mean I think that you know, I would say, when I was like in my eating disorder and in all of that stuff, is that I really I really hated myself.

00:21:08.553 --> 00:21:36.438
you know, um, which is really really sad, um, when I look back at that, because ultimately it was like there wasn't, there was no reason for me to hate myself, but I was broken you know, you're just broken and there's so many broken people, many broken people in the world and it's like it's just so sad because everybody has their shit, everybody has their trauma, but you know it's, it's, it is part of the human experience, I think, to learn how to love yourself, you know, because it's such a challenging thing.

00:21:36.438 --> 00:21:40.461
There's and there's so many messages as to why we're not enough.

00:21:40.461 --> 00:21:50.724
Anyways, you know, right in the world, in society, in, in, whatever, and um, I don't know like human beings are so cool right like everybody has great stories.

00:21:50.924 --> 00:22:04.051
Everybody has like their talents and their unique gifts or whatever, and, um, I don't know like it's like all those like weird, quirky things that make people who they are is actually what's really cool about them and we've tried to water people down Of like.

00:22:04.092 --> 00:22:16.471
You need to fit into this box if you want to be cool, and we're all going to have this competition on who has the more money or who's the prettiest or the small, you know, like all of that stuff and it's, I agree, in enjoying people's individuality and letting people be their authentic self.

00:22:16.471 --> 00:22:17.855
That's where the beauty of it is.

00:22:17.855 --> 00:22:32.087
You know, part of the reason why we're sitting here doing this podcast is because I really, truly believe that the majority of people don't realize that there's another option, there's an alternative to feeling like you're not enough, feeling like shit, hating yourself, going through this hamster wheel of stuff.

00:22:32.087 --> 00:22:35.547
They don't even realize there's another option, you know, and the other option is free.

00:22:35.547 --> 00:22:45.421
It just, it costs work, you know, but the magic lives on the other side of the work, and if you're willing to really do that and look at yourself and take accountability with yourself, I mean that's the whole thing.

00:22:45.421 --> 00:23:04.111
It's not like you have to go on this tour of apologies to everybody or whatever, but you do have to be willing to look yourself in the mirror and have your actual reflection, look back, because I think, yes, that's hard and all of this work that we talk about is hard, but in doing it I can't imagine going back about is hard, but in doing it I can't imagine going back.

00:23:04.111 --> 00:23:04.815
I mean, can you imagine going back?

00:23:04.835 --> 00:23:10.272
Everyone that I talked to that started the work, no matter, no matter where they are in that process, if they're a year in or six months in or 10 years in or whatever.

00:23:10.272 --> 00:23:10.815
It is right.

00:23:10.815 --> 00:23:11.836
There's this, the work.

00:23:11.836 --> 00:23:14.511
Anybody who's in that will tell you.

00:23:14.511 --> 00:23:15.433
No way I'm going back.

00:23:15.433 --> 00:23:17.946
I've never met one person who's like I really hate doing the work.

00:23:17.946 --> 00:23:20.613
I love doing the work, like I'm addicted to the work.

00:23:20.613 --> 00:23:29.675
Now that I know that there's work there to be done, bring it on, because we do so much for our employers and our families and our friends and like all of this other stuff, and then don't put anything into ourselves.

00:23:29.675 --> 00:23:31.808
Yeah, you bet on yourself.

00:23:31.808 --> 00:23:33.452
Put the work into yourself, you know.

00:23:33.492 --> 00:23:39.311
Yeah, yeah, and I I think too, like you know, you always hear like, oh, you're, I don't know.

00:23:39.332 --> 00:24:33.576
This has been like a thing for me this year where it's like you hear the saying of like, oh, you can only love other people as much as you love yourself and you can only respect, and there's so many people that are like, oh, no, no, and I was the same way where it's like no, I always love people way more than I love myself and I'm so kind and loving and giving and all, and I'm way harder on myself and it's like, yeah, it's true, but I have found in my experience just coming out of like you know, my divorce and like all of the things that happened with that, where I really it was like for me like this, like the last battle of like my soul breaking you know and coming out of that and just being like being able to step into my power and to be true to myself, like I have more love and respect for myself than I ever have in my whole life, and it really, truly ripples outward.

00:24:33.635 --> 00:24:39.692
Yes, you know, and that saying to me makes more sense than it ever has in my life Because it's like I really truly can only love other people as much as myself.

00:24:39.692 --> 00:24:40.916
Yeah, If I'm critical with myself, I'm critical with others.

00:24:40.916 --> 00:24:42.804
Yeah, If I'm judgmental of like I really truly can only love other people as much as myself.

00:24:42.804 --> 00:24:45.090
If I'm critical with myself, I'm critical with others.

00:24:45.090 --> 00:24:47.586
If I'm judgmental of myself, I'm judgmental with others.

00:24:47.586 --> 00:24:50.887
It's just the way that it works A thousand percent and I don't think people realize that.

00:24:50.928 --> 00:24:54.705
You know it's like when people are really judgy and you see that from the outside it's like God.

00:24:54.705 --> 00:24:59.217
You must be horrible to yourself, right, which is true, which is absolutely true, and nobody deserves it.

00:24:59.217 --> 00:25:06.019
You don't deserve to beat yourself up like like that, and if you knew that there was a different way that you wouldn't have to do that, how incredible is that.

00:25:06.401 --> 00:25:07.760
Yeah, and that takes work too.

00:25:07.760 --> 00:25:11.022
Like that, that inner voice of like, how do I talk to myself?

00:25:11.022 --> 00:25:20.993
You know, and and I always love the thing of like you know, there's still like that little three or four year old little girl in me and like, how am I talking to her, how am I treating her?

00:25:20.993 --> 00:25:25.301
You know, she's still there, she's just a little girl, she doesn't know what's going on.

00:25:25.362 --> 00:25:25.903
She's scared.

00:25:25.942 --> 00:25:29.631
She just wants to be loved yeah, and that piece is in all of us.

00:25:29.631 --> 00:25:30.574
Yeah, you know what I mean.

00:25:30.574 --> 00:25:31.095
Yeah, I do.

00:25:31.715 --> 00:25:45.611
The one thing I really love that you said and I've heard it recently too is that the um there's no power in being a victim right and so you're talking about taking your power and being able to be authentic, and to me, I think that's where the magic happens and where you know, just happiness lives.

00:25:45.611 --> 00:25:48.076
For me is being able to do that.

00:25:48.076 --> 00:25:52.651
But I think a lot of people don't realize that you know, if you're playing the victim card and it's all.

00:25:52.651 --> 00:25:58.512
Life is happening to me and, like all of that whole, and we all do it right, I'm not coming from a judgy place when I say that.

00:26:06.904 --> 00:26:10.717
I'm just saying I've decided that that's not the route I'm going to go anymore, and being on the other side of it's like wow, this is pretty incredible not to come from that place.

00:26:10.717 --> 00:26:11.619
You know, yeah, well, and I think it's true too.

00:26:11.619 --> 00:26:12.041
Like it, definitely.

00:26:12.041 --> 00:26:14.307
You know, like, like drinking, like it works until it doesn't work.

00:26:14.307 --> 00:26:20.991
So for some people it still really works for them, even if they've had, like this, seed planted of like oh you can, you can step into your power.

00:26:21.172 --> 00:26:22.496
You know you can take responsibility.

00:26:22.516 --> 00:26:27.800
You have choices, for whatever reason, they still feel that that works for them, right.

00:26:27.800 --> 00:26:31.336
So it's still like something that they turn to to have a solution.

00:26:31.336 --> 00:26:35.829
And you know, maybe they want people to feel sorry for them or maybe whatever, and they feel like it works.

00:26:35.829 --> 00:26:41.789
And it's just like it just transforms your whole life when you come from the other direction.

00:26:41.789 --> 00:26:43.510
You know it just transforms your whole life when you come from the other direction.

00:26:43.530 --> 00:26:47.894
When did you realize that alcohol was not working for you anymore, and what did that look like?

00:26:47.974 --> 00:27:06.983
as far as you getting sober, so I got sober when I was 30, and in my late 20s, I would say I was well aware that it wasn't really working.

00:27:09.884 --> 00:27:10.446
As far as the solution goes.

00:27:10.467 --> 00:27:23.051
I mean, it had certainly created plenty of problems and wreckage in relationships and in my life and in myself, and there's a lot of different ways that people come to the realization that they need to get sober or that they're an alcoholic or whatever.

00:27:23.051 --> 00:27:26.377
And, like I said, I had been introduced to the rooms multiple times.

00:27:26.377 --> 00:27:41.730
Um, you know, I got a minor in consumption and I was demanded to go to meetings and at that time I already had like a different personality, like a different name for my drinking person and you know, it's like that might be a sign but, um, and I was 16.

00:27:41.750 --> 00:27:46.357
Note to listeners listeners if you've named your uh alcoholic persona.

00:27:46.357 --> 00:27:47.980
Yeah right, we got a seat for you, right?

00:27:48.580 --> 00:27:49.321
here.

00:27:49.321 --> 00:27:56.295
Yeah, um so it, and, and you know, I go to meetings and I'd be like god, these people are fucking great.

00:27:56.295 --> 00:27:57.863
I love you guys, right because there are people and you know that right away.

00:27:57.863 --> 00:28:02.512
But I was like I'll see you in a little while you know I'm not ready for this.

00:28:02.712 --> 00:28:27.126
So like 27, 28, like leading up to that, I had definitely pulled back on the drinking in the sense of like it was kind of like I was trying to manage it a little bit, more like trying not to go out as much, knowing that if I did it was like you know, then there's always a story the next day because, like I don't remember, it's like who's going to call me, like it's like the dread had set in by then.

00:28:28.028 --> 00:28:28.971
And uh.

00:28:28.971 --> 00:28:34.067
So I was, you know, kind of going to meetings and being like am I doing this, am I not?

00:28:34.067 --> 00:28:40.556
Um, uh, and and the last time that I drank was, uh, it wasn't even special, special it.

00:28:40.556 --> 00:28:47.134
I had gotten to the point where sometimes, when I would drink, nothing would happen, you know, I would just keep drinking and it wouldn't get drunk.

00:28:47.134 --> 00:28:58.598
I mean, I was drunk alcohol doesn't affect me, yeah yeah, I couldn't get the feeling that I was looking for and it's always a feeling, of course, like I don't care about how it tastes.

00:28:58.618 --> 00:28:59.784
So it's the effect.

00:28:59.784 --> 00:29:01.608
Yeah, and we talk about that, right.

00:29:01.608 --> 00:29:03.835
Um, I still go for the effect.

00:29:03.875 --> 00:29:09.173
By the way, of course, that's the numbing thing, right, that's the numbing part of it, and it's like you'll replace it with something else.

00:29:09.173 --> 00:29:14.808
So, just because we don't drink alcohol anymore, I have to be very cautious, because food is a huge number, right, yeah.

00:29:14.808 --> 00:29:35.769
And so for, like, I'm completely fucking numbing with food right now, you know, but because you're willing to look in the mirror and do the hard things, you actually are able to say like okay, cut it out, you know when I came back from Ayahuasca, I spent two weeks sitting on the couch and watching TV and I knew it right.

00:29:35.789 --> 00:29:39.794
I knew that I was doing it, but I'm like and I don't care.

00:29:39.834 --> 00:29:44.198
I'm taking this time for myself, and that's a different thing, Like if you have the awareness of being like.

00:29:44.198 --> 00:29:48.342
I know this is what I'm doing and I've done that in sobriety, a billion times Sure, sure.

00:29:48.342 --> 00:29:57.833
Like you know, I'm going shopping for some bullshit I don't need and it's like I know that I'm checking out and you can give yourself permission to do that Dangerous?

00:29:57.833 --> 00:30:02.258
Dicks, whatever else I mean, that's not the only thing, right, people?

00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:05.101
I'm a lady, yeah, yeah.

00:30:06.365 --> 00:30:09.384
You know, I can never find my car Like the story's going on, oh God, yeah.

00:30:09.384 --> 00:30:19.576
But yeah, it was uneventful, it was pathetic really the last time I drank, but for me, like it was really like my soul was dead.

00:30:19.576 --> 00:30:26.209
Yeah, you, my soul was dead, yeah, you know more out.

00:30:26.209 --> 00:30:46.054
And for me I also felt like, you know, there was a side of me that, uh, the spiritual side of me, that wanted something bigger, that wanted a deeper connection, that wanted to feel, whatever it is that people feel, that anything connected right yeah, anything and and there was always like this battle inward inside of me of like who I was you know, drinking and drugging and checking out and doing all of these and who I wanted to be.

00:30:46.326 --> 00:30:48.053
And they were always at odds, you know.

00:30:49.806 --> 00:30:53.155
So I was just like I was just dead inside.

00:30:53.365 --> 00:30:57.705
Was there anybody that helped you realize that it was time to to hang it up, or anyone you know?

00:30:57.705 --> 00:31:00.013
Did you have friends that were close enough that were like, hey, maybe you should.

00:31:00.013 --> 00:31:01.747
Did you have a Belinda in your?

00:31:01.846 --> 00:31:03.769
life, that's my, or did you have friends that were close enough that?

00:31:03.790 --> 00:31:04.972
were like hey, maybe you should.

00:31:04.972 --> 00:31:06.494
Did you have a Belinda in your life?

00:31:06.494 --> 00:31:08.338
Is my question Did you have a?

00:31:08.419 --> 00:31:11.724
Belinda, that was like hey, if I was ever going to go here's the rehab I would go to.

00:31:11.724 --> 00:31:15.444
Yeah Well, my family had already been telling me that I was maybe an alcoholic for you know 10, 15 years.

00:31:15.505 --> 00:31:21.698
So people have been planting the seed and running Like it's like dropping a seed and then running before you tell them to go fuck themselves.

00:31:21.897 --> 00:31:22.298
Friends?

00:31:22.298 --> 00:31:24.681
Not really so much, you know.

00:31:24.681 --> 00:31:30.263
It's interesting, Like when I got sober or whatever, a lot of my friends were like no, you're my favorite party.

00:31:30.525 --> 00:31:31.569
You're my favorite drunk.

00:31:31.609 --> 00:31:47.340
Yeah, You're my favorite person to party with and I'm like we got a seat for you too Come with me, which I think anyone that actually really knew me you know, like my brothers and sisters, because I partied with my brothers and sisters for sure.

00:31:47.340 --> 00:31:47.883
Yeah, well, they were there.

00:31:47.883 --> 00:31:48.345
Yeah, well, and when?

00:31:48.365 --> 00:31:49.148
you're a fun drunk.

00:31:49.148 --> 00:31:49.972
I totally get it.

00:31:49.972 --> 00:31:51.559
I was always a fun drunk, right.

00:31:51.559 --> 00:32:00.512
I was not the sloppy get a, you know whatever, but I was the good time girl, and so people who have met me and heard stories from other people are like shit, I really wish I would have known you.

00:32:00.512 --> 00:32:02.659
When you're drinking, I'm like I'm not going back.

00:32:02.679 --> 00:32:04.483
Yeah, it's often in games when someone gets hurt.

00:32:04.483 --> 00:32:09.384
Yeah, exactly Like you know when you insult somebody or say something outrageous or start crying or you know you're.

00:32:09.444 --> 00:32:10.376
Shatter bones because you're in a.

00:32:10.376 --> 00:32:12.651
Yeah, all of those things you get kicked out of the club whatever.

00:32:12.651 --> 00:32:13.755
On a Tuesday.

00:32:13.755 --> 00:32:30.790
Yeah, but they're, they're not alcoholic, you know what I mean like all my other friends that are alcoholic.

00:32:30.810 --> 00:32:36.563
Yeah, we're not friends anymore yeah, but um, yeah, I, I think, like you know that.

00:32:36.563 --> 00:32:42.559
So my sobriety date is, uh, may 14th or wait, when is it May 5th?

00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:43.982
May 5th, that's right.

00:32:43.982 --> 00:32:47.674
It's like I got it on my bracelets here 2014, that's what I'm saying.

00:32:47.674 --> 00:32:51.442
Um, yeah, it was cinco de mayo, that that monday.

00:32:51.442 --> 00:32:55.296
So like we had gone out that weekend and I was like it's gonna be great.

00:32:55.296 --> 00:32:56.618
It was fucking dumb.

00:32:56.618 --> 00:33:12.640
There was like five people at the club we were at and, um, yeah, so the next morning I was sitting on my parents couch because, of course, I lived there, like of all the many times like I've moved back in with my parents after whatever relationship fell apart or whatever.

00:33:12.640 --> 00:33:23.761
And no, I, you know, like I said, I didn't get the feeling that I was looking for the night before, but I was certainly drunk because I felt like I had been hit by 17 trains, you know like.

00:33:23.761 --> 00:33:31.121
And, yeah, I just had that moment of clarity that we talk about where I was just like this isn't working.

00:33:31.221 --> 00:33:33.720
Yeah, this is garbage, and we're going to do something different.

00:33:33.921 --> 00:34:02.390
Yeah, and, and you know it was like, you know that prayer of like you know, I, I don't know how to do life, but I know that this isn't working, so you know you got to me and to answer your question as far as, like people who guided me, there was a woman that I worked with in my 20s, you know, and we did therapy and we did a lot of work and she definitely was like you know.

00:34:02.390 --> 00:34:04.376
You might want to look at your alcoholism.

00:34:04.396 --> 00:34:16.599
You know I love people because when they tell you that they're always like not making direct eye contact or like maybe you want to check this website out, it's really nice like yeah, and so she definitely.

00:34:17.181 --> 00:34:34.521
Um, you know, and the way that I came into, uh, alcoholics Anonymous was actually through Eating Disorders Anonymous, and I started going to meetings first because that was my main problem, right and um, you know, of course, naturally there's a lot of triple winners and there are double winners, we call them and you know so.

00:34:34.521 --> 00:34:39.280
A lot of women in there were sober and it was like, um yeah, we, we all have the same shit.

00:34:39.300 --> 00:34:59.141
You know, we're all checking out in in multiple ways, but um, her and then, uh, another woman who I love, um, you know, she's known me since I was two years old and she is a good friend of my mom's, who, at this point, is a very good friend of mine, and um you know she, she obviously knew that.

00:34:59.742 --> 00:35:01.313
She knew me my whole life, you know what I mean.

00:35:01.313 --> 00:35:08.938
So she's always been there for me and and I she was the person I called, actually, and I said you know, I think I'm gonna get sober and come into AA.

00:35:08.938 --> 00:35:11.264
And she's like, oh, you're going to love it law.

00:35:11.264 --> 00:35:17.001
I remember being like what a fucking weird thing to say, you know.

00:35:17.001 --> 00:35:21.998
Well, she was spot on and you know she'd been sober for like over 20 years at that point.

00:35:22.039 --> 00:35:22.760
So she gets it.

00:35:22.849 --> 00:35:35.661
Well, she understood the excitement to that right, because it is exciting to be able to like start that process of being done being fed up with what that looks like and once you get some time it's like and you realize that your life can be completely different.

00:35:35.661 --> 00:35:36.572
And we say this all the time.

00:35:36.572 --> 00:35:39.840
It's like a second chance at life, a different way to do life.

00:35:39.840 --> 00:35:41.333
It is, and I had an amazing life.

00:35:41.413 --> 00:35:42.356
That's the whole thing about it.

00:35:42.356 --> 00:35:43.740
You'd look at my life from the outside.

00:35:43.740 --> 00:35:46.474
I had an amazing life and I wouldn't go back if you paid me.

00:35:46.474 --> 00:35:47.594
Yeah, you know what I mean.

00:35:47.594 --> 00:35:48.737
I've been almost have eight years.

00:35:48.737 --> 00:35:50.579
I wouldn't go back if you paid me.

00:35:50.579 --> 00:35:52.141
Yeah, you know, because I do.

00:35:52.141 --> 00:35:57.621
I see all of the stuff now from from standing back and looking and saying like God, that was really rough.

00:35:57.621 --> 00:35:59.951
You know, I spent two years on the hamster wheel of like.

00:36:00.471 --> 00:36:06.657
I was a daily drinker and I was a blackout drinker to a couple of times a week and it was so funny because Cameron didn't really understand that.

00:36:06.657 --> 00:36:10.302
I'm like I'm hanging out with construction guys and keeping up with you.

00:36:10.302 --> 00:36:11.963
I weigh, you know.

00:36:11.963 --> 00:36:14.085
Obviously my metabolism works completely different.

00:36:14.085 --> 00:36:14.766
What did you think?

00:36:14.766 --> 00:36:20.172
Do you think I'm like sober?

00:36:20.172 --> 00:36:22.583
I can, I can really fake it, good, you know, and I was a good time and it was like all of the things.

00:36:22.603 --> 00:36:25.992
But the last couple of years were literally just waking up the next morning going you can't do this again.

00:36:25.992 --> 00:36:27.193
When would today at least?

00:36:27.193 --> 00:36:41.978
Just don't drink for today, right, even if I could just have a day that I didn't drink, you know, um, but when my sister passed and that whole situation happened and I didn't know how to deal with grief and it just it literally sent me off the rails and the last couple of years of my drinking was just okay, just don't drink today.

00:36:41.978 --> 00:36:47.255
And then by the time it was the afternoon, I mean I put a refrigerator in my office so that I could have beer right there.

00:36:47.315 --> 00:36:51.561
You know, I would pour a couple of roadies before like every drive home.

00:36:52.061 --> 00:36:55.146
I'm not going to go downstairs to the refrigerator that everyone shares.

00:36:55.146 --> 00:36:57.539
For God's sakes, let's just have one right next to my desk.

00:36:57.539 --> 00:36:59.065
That's terrible, you know.

00:36:59.065 --> 00:37:04.503
I look back at that and I think what a sad situation that was, but I felt like my life was amazing, you know.

00:37:04.503 --> 00:37:06.831
Um, so totally get it.

00:37:06.831 --> 00:37:16.001
Uh, were there people that you lost when you got sober Friends that you lost, friendships that you lost, or things that you didn't realize would happen when you got sober?

00:37:17.411 --> 00:37:17.931
I don't know that.

00:37:17.931 --> 00:37:25.007
I would say that I would really consider of like where there were like people that I knew that I lost.

00:37:25.007 --> 00:37:29.842
I think that you know it was a lifestyle that I lost.

00:37:29.842 --> 00:37:31.280
I think you know coming into sobriety.

00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:32.168
I think that's a big fear about, well, you know it was a lifestyle that I lost.

00:37:32.168 --> 00:37:32.552
I think I you know coming into sobriety.

00:37:32.552 --> 00:37:34.838
I think that's a big fear about, well, who am I?

00:37:34.838 --> 00:37:35.679
What will I be what?

00:37:35.719 --> 00:37:35.980
will I do?

00:37:35.980 --> 00:37:37.251
This is my whole life.

00:37:37.251 --> 00:37:39.820
What will I drink at the bar if I'm not going to have a drink and everybody's out?

00:37:39.840 --> 00:37:45.757
Yeah, Um, and I I think that it's just things like kind of slowly but surely shifted.

00:37:46.217 --> 00:38:13.061
Um, you know, at the time I was still doing hair, I was still in the salon, which is very much a lifestyle Right, and it took a few years for me to realize that that atmosphere was not conducive to my sobriety, it was not conducive to self-care and like all of the things that go into that especially.

00:38:13.081 --> 00:38:22.978
You know that there's a big big thing for my recovery and my eating disorder and so like, slowly but surely, just kind of like I would say like migrate out of that life into the life that you want.

00:38:22.978 --> 00:38:24.280
Yeah, you know my friends that that I partied with.

00:38:24.280 --> 00:38:27.007
A lot of them at that time were with a salon and stuff like that.

00:38:27.007 --> 00:38:30.460
So it's kind of like each salon you get a new pack of people.

00:38:30.460 --> 00:38:39.452
I'm rolling with these folks now, yeah, yeah, um.

00:38:39.452 --> 00:38:56.900
And I think the biggest thing for me as far as the loss goes is that you know, when you make a decision to become a healthier person and you make a decision to, um, start doing all all the things that are involved with being a healthy person, like setting boundaries- and all of these things is that it can feel really lonely.

00:38:57.543 --> 00:39:02.708
Yes, you know, and it changes the dynamic that you have with people, especially with my family.

00:39:02.708 --> 00:39:07.536
I would say that that's probably the number one thing in where I've felt like the loss.

00:39:07.536 --> 00:39:13.365
And the difference is that, you know, the family dynamics shift, or I shifted.

00:39:13.365 --> 00:39:17.460
And so a lot of times it just kind of felt like outside looking in.

00:39:17.992 --> 00:39:26.001
And because you're doing all of this work and you're kind of dismantling all of these old thoughts and all of these old like core belief systems.

00:39:26.001 --> 00:39:32.617
Obviously your family of origin is going to be in that and like the way that you grew up and like like the way that you interact and all of these things.

00:39:32.617 --> 00:39:48.338
So all of that is shifting and I know for me that I kind of had to like separate myself from them emotionally, mentally, you know, so that I could do that work, you know, and over the years like that's definitely changed.

00:39:48.338 --> 00:40:00.139
But when I first got sober it was definitely I really kind of had to pull away and just like dive into the rooms right because those were the people that understood what I was going through, right, you know, and we were all kind of in that same place.

00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:07.398
So, it's like you know, they say, like stay in the middle of the herd, whereas, it's just like you know, we're all, we're all trying to survive, right in the beginning.

00:40:07.398 --> 00:40:11.934
We're just trying to figure out how to, if I can show up every day without numbing out.

00:40:12.094 --> 00:40:16.431
Well, the thing, the thing too, and you say AA was something that was really important for you.

00:40:16.431 --> 00:40:27.576
It never was a big thing for me, as you know, because when we would go to meetings and I would try to run out of the building like the building was on fire as soon as they said goodbye, you know it.

00:40:27.695 --> 00:40:32.023
It definitely served its part in my sobriety, but it wasn't for me the draw that, it was for you.

00:40:32.023 --> 00:40:53.626
But the one thing that I did love about that is that when you go in there and you say, whatever, it is right if you share, or you listen to other people share, they're dealing with the exact same shit you are and it doesn't matter any of the other things age, economics, any of that like everybody's dealing with the exact same shit you are, and so it really validates things for you of like okay, okay, I get it.

00:40:53.626 --> 00:41:12.641
And I don't feel alone in this because it is a lonely journey to kind of realize you're going from, you know, maybe this whole party lifestyle that obviously is different friends and different blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, to more of a okay, I have to take a step back, and that first transition of doing that is hard.

00:41:12.641 --> 00:41:18.271
It's hard because I lost friends in that, because I didn't have anything in common with them anymore.

00:41:18.311 --> 00:41:20.356
I'm not a daily drinker, I'm not a heavy drinker.

00:41:20.356 --> 00:41:22.391
I'm not going to come sit and watch you get drunk.

00:41:22.391 --> 00:41:29.893
I understand why people that don't drink not because of being alcoholics, but just in regular life, don't want to hang out at the bars.

00:41:29.893 --> 00:41:33.762
I never understood that with with Tony, right, because he was like not interested.

00:41:33.762 --> 00:41:34.952
Tony's never been a drinker, right?

00:41:34.952 --> 00:41:37.199
He's like not interested in going and hanging at the bars.

00:41:45.119 --> 00:41:46.681
I'm like come on, it'll be so fun, you know.

00:41:46.681 --> 00:41:55.221
And now I see drunk people and I'm like this is the worst and part of that scene anymore you know, and you can still go out and have a good time, I think when I first got sober, I thought this is the end of the fun, you know?

00:41:55.221 --> 00:41:56.704
And God, was I wrong?

00:41:56.704 --> 00:41:57.050
Oh yeah.

00:41:57.190 --> 00:41:58.295
Yeah, I mean, you're totally wrong.

00:41:58.295 --> 00:42:00.617
It's a totally different level of fun.

00:42:00.769 --> 00:42:01.755
It is the beginning of the fun.

00:42:01.755 --> 00:42:06.157
The first year was a little rough, yeah for sure.

00:42:06.157 --> 00:42:13.523
Pull the pieces of your life back because, generally speaking, people don't get to the place of being ready to get sober unless they've kind of dismantled some things already.

00:42:13.523 --> 00:42:14.864
Anyways, you know they.

00:42:14.864 --> 00:42:16.365
They say, what do they say about change?

00:42:16.365 --> 00:42:28.730
That, like the staying in what it is has to be more painful than the change itself, right, and so you've already kind of fucked your whole entire life up, generally speaking, before you get to that point yeah, I think you know that's totally.

00:42:28.889 --> 00:42:47.820
The thing is like um, you know, like they like you don't like come into the rooms, like on a winning streak, like you have to be pretty desperate, otherwise you're not willing to do all the stuff that you have to do, yeah, and to continue to do it on a daily basis all the time.

00:42:47.820 --> 00:42:57.797
Like all the things to get healthy is a lot of fucking work, and some people are like, well, it's easier, uh, just to like sit in your bullshit and your denial.

00:42:57.797 --> 00:42:58.418
Maybe I don't know.

00:42:58.438 --> 00:43:06.932
I mean, I don't think so now that I see I think a lot of people think that, well, that's because I don't think they've started the work yeah, you know like do a little bit of the work and see like it's.

00:43:07.173 --> 00:43:11.590
It's painful to heal yeah, because to heal you have to go through it, but that's the only way.

00:43:11.771 --> 00:43:13.519
Yeah you know, I watched.

00:43:13.519 --> 00:43:18.155
I watched something the other day where a gal was saying like okay, she had a jar, like a big mason jar.

00:43:18.155 --> 00:43:31.202
She says it was an example of like life, right, and she's like you put some addiction in there and eating disorder, you know alcoholism, some trauma, you know blah, blah, blah and she's putting you know ping pong balls and like some other shit in there.

00:43:31.202 --> 00:43:42.875
And then she says okay, and then you get to this point where you're willing to do something about it, right, and you decide, okay, it's time to like get real and do whatever a 12 step program, or maybe it's not drinking, maybe it's something else, but work on your trauma and fix that.

00:43:42.875 --> 00:43:49.922
She started pouring water in there, right, and all of these things are coming up and it's like when you start doing that, it's going to feel worse before it feels better.

00:43:50.083 --> 00:43:50.202
Right.

00:43:50.242 --> 00:43:58.695
And when I talk to people that I'm working with in life about things they're like this is bad, I'm like it's going to get worse and that's just the truth, right, Because I don't want to lie to people about that.

00:43:58.695 --> 00:44:21.143
It is hard to do that, but once some of those ping pong balls and things start getting out of the jar and you really are just left with clean water where you can start putting your life together and being at peace and not hating yourself and not being so judgmental and critical of yourself and all of these things, it's worth it and I can't imagine going back and thinking that I had everything figured out before I quit drinking.

00:44:21.869 --> 00:44:33.385
Yeah, no, I mean, I still don't have a lot figured out, but I definitely was fucking clueless before recovery.

00:44:33.445 --> 00:44:35.873
You know you've got a lot more figured out now than you did 10 years ago.

00:44:35.893 --> 00:44:38.840
I do yeah, I do, but I do like to stay in the place of.

00:44:38.840 --> 00:44:46.891
Like you know, it takes time to get time, for sure, and and I'm I'm super grateful, you know, for the sobriety that I have.

00:44:46.891 --> 00:44:57.664
But I will say that, like every year of my sobriety has been just a fucking ride, you know, and and and that's good and it's also annoying, but but you know.

00:44:57.664 --> 00:45:01.539
So what I'm saying is is like I still I never know what's going to happen.

00:45:01.619 --> 00:45:04.434
You know like if you would have asked me two years ago what I would be doing today.

00:45:04.434 --> 00:45:07.900
No idea, same thing with five years ago, same thing with eight years ago.

00:45:07.900 --> 00:45:10.324
So, and it's that's just life.

00:45:10.324 --> 00:45:11.050
You know what I mean.

00:45:11.050 --> 00:45:20.942
And and to like, you know the whole, like the trauma and what happened, and it's like everybody has trauma, everybody has this stuff.

00:45:20.942 --> 00:45:22.547
We're all going through this shit.

00:45:22.547 --> 00:45:23.329
Yeah, you know what I mean.

00:45:23.329 --> 00:45:28.710
No one is so unique that they've never heard of it like there's a word for everything, right, you know?

00:45:28.871 --> 00:45:31.596
and so it's like we've all.

00:45:31.596 --> 00:45:32.697
We all have something.

00:45:32.697 --> 00:45:34.521
We can all connect in some way.

00:45:34.521 --> 00:45:36.972
We can all figure it out in some way, right, you know?

00:45:36.992 --> 00:45:57.034
you just have to be willing to do it, yeah well, and understanding, too, that the the community piece of that is really important, and I think that that's something that aa definitely brings to it is being able to bring community into it and make you understand that you're not by yourself like, like you said, getting in the middle of the herd early on so that you, you know, have that support, have people that have been there done that.

00:45:57.034 --> 00:45:59.782
I think that's, I think that's really huge.

00:46:00.230 --> 00:46:05.181
Yeah, and you know I, it's a good starting place and then hopefully from there it ripples out.

00:46:05.181 --> 00:46:11.842
You know, I would say that like in my life I have today, like I have incredible relationships.

00:46:11.842 --> 00:46:18.170
You know I have amazing friends, people that I absolutely love and adore and and that that are my support system.

00:46:18.170 --> 00:46:22.384
You know, like you obviously um all of my friends.

00:46:22.384 --> 00:46:23.791
I can talk to my friends about anything.

00:46:23.791 --> 00:46:30.612
You know, like the relationships that I have with my family members today are 10 times more amazing than they were before.

00:46:30.632 --> 00:46:30.793
Yeah.

00:46:30.994 --> 00:46:32.657
You know, and they are authentic.

00:46:32.657 --> 00:46:47.179
And I can have heart-to-heart conversations, hard conversations, easy conversations, but it's just like the level of authenticity, the level of connection that I have today is like that's what I wouldn't trade for anything.

00:46:47.179 --> 00:46:51.090
Yeah, you know, because that's what it's all about, that's what life is about.

00:46:51.090 --> 00:46:52.335
Yeah, other people.

00:46:52.335 --> 00:46:55.670
Yeah, you're not getting out without interacting with other people right.

00:46:56.311 --> 00:47:05.188
Well, and people that are set on the whole like rinse, lather, repeat thing, I think, don't think understand that, and so when you do get a glimpse of that, it's like holy shit, this is powerful.

00:47:05.188 --> 00:47:09.070
That connection and that, all of the things that you're talking about, I think that's super powerful.

00:47:09.110 --> 00:47:09.596
Yeah yeah, yeah.

00:47:09.596 --> 00:47:10.829
And I think too like super powerful, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:10.829 --> 00:47:24.481
And I think too, like you know, when I was growing up and like being in that whole thing of like perfection and I got it together and blah, blah, blah, like I didn't realize that those are, you know, those are the walls that like keep people away.

00:47:24.750 --> 00:47:39.563
You know those are the things that are not relatable, those are the things that keep you, like locked in to that very pain that you're trying to escape being isolated, feeling alone, hating yourself, etc.

00:47:39.563 --> 00:47:51.710
Um, you know, when I learned how to be vulnerable, um, when I learned how to talk about the things that I was going through, when I could openly discuss my faults and the things that I had been through, that's when I connected with people.

00:47:51.710 --> 00:48:03.471
Yeah, you know that it was like when you like lay yourself open and and just are like I'm totally imperfect, I'm naked yeah yeah, that's when you connect with people, that's when people want to talk to you.

00:48:03.530 --> 00:48:14.393
that's when the magic happens, you know, and it took me a long time to understand that, right, you know, I didn't get that, yeah, but the more you are that way, the more people are like oh yeah, it's because we're all fucking human.

00:48:14.434 --> 00:48:15.699
Right, exactly, we're all feeling the same shit.

00:48:19.157 --> 00:48:24.840
Well, the vulnerability component of that, I think, is huge, because in AA and in the rooms, I think that that's what they're there for.

00:48:24.840 --> 00:48:43.331
And so when you go in there and you get a healthy dose of that and you realize, okay, maybe I'm not as big of a piece of shit as I felt, like because I felt this way or I did this thing or whatever, because, again, like you're not in there because you're winning Right and so, um, being able to hear that other people are going through it too, and and I just I think that that's so incredibly powerful.

00:48:43.331 --> 00:48:49.278
And and again, part of the reason why we're doing all of this is leading with vulnerability, opening that conversation.

00:48:49.278 --> 00:48:59.192
I don't want to have a surface relationship with people who you know everybody's got all these friends but when it comes down to it, if you needed something, how many people that you count on those hands would actually be there for you, right?

00:48:59.192 --> 00:49:00.655
I don't have people like that in my life.

00:49:01.217 --> 00:49:07.938
I was talking with Cameron about that the other day and it was something I was so proud to say because I said you know all of my friends that I have.

00:49:07.938 --> 00:49:13.815
I could call them, every single one of them, in the middle of the night and they wouldn't hesitate to come do and same in return.

00:49:13.815 --> 00:49:14.659
Do you know what I mean?

00:49:14.659 --> 00:49:17.820
If you called me in the middle of the night and you said this is what we need to do, I wouldn't ask questions.

00:49:17.820 --> 00:49:19.550
Okay, I'm on my way, you know.

00:49:19.891 --> 00:49:33.476
And that's the kind of stuff where it's like I don't think you get that without some level of all of the things that you, when you are willing to wake up and really take accountability for stuff and be vulnerable with people and, like you, have those deeper connections that aren't just.

00:49:33.476 --> 00:49:38.539
Can you believe what so-and-so said on Facebook about me and like, well, I just can't even get my head around that.

00:49:38.539 --> 00:49:41.695
I listen to people talk and I just who does that?

00:49:41.695 --> 00:49:45.344
You know, but most people, most people do that, you know.

00:49:45.344 --> 00:49:50.639
And for me, I think either they don't realize that it's there's a totally different side to that stuff, right?

00:49:50.639 --> 00:49:58.260
Maybe they don't, maybe they enjoy hating themselves and dealing with, you know, trying to manage each other's triggers, like no, thank you, no thank you.

00:49:58.280 --> 00:50:01.976
Well, I mean, yeah, I just would say, like you know, they're limited.

00:50:01.976 --> 00:50:08.541
You know that people, it's definitely a real thing that, like, a lot of people are asleep you know, like they're just limited in their awareness Some sleep.

00:50:08.561 --> 00:50:09.682
You know like there's just limited in their awareness.

00:50:09.682 --> 00:50:10.603
Some people have no awareness Absolutely.

00:50:10.603 --> 00:50:33.081
It would be my hope that everybody at some point in their life is like, hey, maybe something, something real, is happening out here, you know, outside of myself, my my hope, my hope as well, because that's exactly why I'm sitting here doing this, Because if you're listening and you're wondering anything, send me send me an email If you need a roadmap if you want to know what the first step is, and it's not about getting sober right.

00:50:33.103 --> 00:50:33.485
That's your story.

00:50:33.485 --> 00:50:45.224
Yeah, it could be anything, but this has nothing to do with opening your eyes and being awake and believing that there's something more out there than the rinse, lather, repeat and the shit that we do to ourselves and whatever.

00:50:45.224 --> 00:50:46.304
Send me an email.

00:50:46.304 --> 00:50:47.166
Send me an email.

00:50:47.166 --> 00:51:03.284
I'll help get you on the right path for whatever it is, because I am so excited about all of the things that have opened up in my life and I am at the point in my life with my recovery and my journey of healing and all of the things where now I'm sharing that with other people in my life.

00:51:03.851 --> 00:51:09.579
And it's funny because everyone is leveling up, everyone is figuring out like, oh shit, this is excellent.

00:51:09.579 --> 00:51:17.059
We're sharing tools with each other to be able to heal different things or realize that there's even work to be done in certain areas.

00:51:17.059 --> 00:51:20.851
And it's the coolest thing on the planet you know to watch my kids as they're doing that stuff.

00:51:20.851 --> 00:51:27.333
Both of the girls you know have have childhood trauma, unfortunately, that that they work through.

00:51:27.333 --> 00:51:37.485
But it's like work through it now while you're in your early twenties, instead of waking up at 40 or 39 and going, shit, this isn't working for me anymore, you know, um.

00:51:37.485 --> 00:51:39.333
So I think that's a, that's a huge.

00:51:39.333 --> 00:51:40.998
That's a huge deal.

00:51:41.478 --> 00:51:42.221
Yeah, for sure.

00:51:42.440 --> 00:51:57.259
What is the most surprising thing that you've gained in sobriety that that maybe you didn't consider, or um, that maybe you didn't consider, or something that has been a real blessing for you in that getting sober and just doing the work of what you're doing right now.

00:51:59.271 --> 00:52:05.101
I mean there's a lot, of course, there's a lot of blessings that I've had.

00:52:05.101 --> 00:52:11.693
I mean, I would say, the biggest thing for me and I have to give credit where credit's due, of course is my relationship with God.

00:52:12.153 --> 00:52:16.081
Um a lot of people.

00:52:16.081 --> 00:52:18.005
You know you can call it what you want.

00:52:18.005 --> 00:52:20.675
You know I I'm very.

00:52:20.675 --> 00:52:23.481
However, you find whatever it is that makes you better.

00:52:23.481 --> 00:52:34.443
Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, um, for me it happens to be God, and so you know my relationship with that whole thing religion, god, spirituality, blah, blah, blah.

00:52:34.443 --> 00:52:35.184
What does it look like?

00:52:35.184 --> 00:52:39.215
It's always been, you know, for as long as I can remember.

00:52:39.215 --> 00:52:44.643
You know, a dance of like I don't like it, I love it, I need it, I want it, I don't have it.

00:52:44.724 --> 00:52:45.505
You know what I mean.

00:52:45.565 --> 00:53:15.333
Yeah, um, but I think you know, for me, um, you know that is what a gave me back a relationship with, with God, which I consider everything, um, because for me, that's my foundation today, like my foundation for for everything, yeah, um, and it's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I really can't imagine going through life without God at this point, yeah, really can't imagine going through life without God at this point.

00:53:15.353 --> 00:53:22.597
Yeah, because life gets lifey and it's still really hard and ultimately it's like my faith and my relationship with, with my God that that still keeps me going.

00:53:22.597 --> 00:53:34.875
Yeah, so that in and of itself, would be like a totally a whole nother podcast for me to give credit where credit's due, because you know, for me, like without god it's I have nothing.

00:53:34.875 --> 00:53:35.777
You know what I mean?

00:53:35.777 --> 00:53:50.041
Um, but other than that I I think I think it would really just be like the ability to connect and and have authentic relationships with people.

00:53:50.041 --> 00:54:07.382
I mean I have relationships that I mean they're just so incredible and they're so important to me and I feel so blessed that I get to like pour love into these people that I love.

00:54:07.864 --> 00:54:53.742
You know, yeah, I would say that that's probably the number one thing is that you know there's just a way that I have learned how to connect with people, and maybe they don't feel that or see that, I don't know, but I know for me that it's like such a privilege for me to like love the people that are in my life, because I I really do like my people are my people and I care about them a lot and and I and I made the decision a long time ago that I didn't want to be the rinse lather, repeat person, even though I checked out in a lot of ways yeah, I knew that, like family and friends and relationships, was a core driver for me in my life and something that I cared about very much and I wanted to always have time for those to be a priority in my life and something that I cared about very much, and I wanted to always have time for those to be a priority in my life.

00:54:53.862 --> 00:55:09.259
And today they are you know, and I'm, I'm so, so grateful and so blessed for, for my family and my friends, and you know, and, and they're all just you know, I work with all my friends you know, like it's just like I leave work and I'm like bye, I love, I love you.

00:55:09.338 --> 00:55:13.525
And like I mean that you know what I mean, like that to me is an incredible blessing.

00:55:13.545 --> 00:55:17.030
Yeah, absolutely absolutely interesting.

00:55:17.150 --> 00:55:17.490
I love it.

00:55:17.490 --> 00:55:23.873
Is there anything that you feel like you're you're missing with that, anything that of substance?

00:55:23.873 --> 00:55:27.510
I mean, obviously you miss the, not that you miss it right now, but like when you got sober.

00:55:27.510 --> 00:55:35.052
You're missing the party life of stuff but is there something where you feel like, god, I really miss that or that's a big component that I miss out on?

00:55:35.052 --> 00:55:53.284
I don't have any of that, just so you know, like as you're thinking about if you had something, there's not a single thing where I'm like I really miss not understanding where my priorities were, because I didn't, you know my, my alcohol was consuming for me and so I didn't put the put the weight that I should have on family and friends and that's all that means anything to me, now, you know.

00:55:53.284 --> 00:55:59.498
So there's not really anything that I'm missing.

00:55:59.498 --> 00:56:01.722
Yeah, yeah, which is, which is excellent, right.

00:56:01.742 --> 00:56:03.650
And that should tell you everything that you need to know.

00:56:03.931 --> 00:56:04.311
Yeah, yeah.

00:56:04.311 --> 00:56:06.034
Well, that that's our time.

00:56:06.034 --> 00:56:15.713
Um, I will say that I have a very interesting uh for this week, may I suggest, which is take a look at your relationship with alcohol.

00:56:15.713 --> 00:56:18.760
That's my suggestion to listeners.

00:56:18.760 --> 00:56:22.737
You know, if it's something that really adds some value to your life, then excellent.

00:56:22.737 --> 00:56:34.965
But I think a lot of people, if you actually took a look at you know, write down the pros and cons and see if alcohol is really contributing something, Because you can still go out and order a club soda with lime and be just fine, yeah, no one gives a shit.

00:56:35.005 --> 00:56:37.815
No one gives a shit right, they're worried about themselves If you think people care?

00:56:37.936 --> 00:56:40.349
like we got rid of peer pressure when we were teenagers.

00:56:40.349 --> 00:56:43.400
So, just go ahead and tell people to go fuck themselves if they have a problem.

00:56:43.670 --> 00:56:44.891
I'm 40, no one cares what I'm doing Exactly.

00:56:44.931 --> 00:56:53.811
no one cares what right, so, um, so, yeah, so if you have questions, suggestions, um, any of that, uh, please send us an email.

00:56:53.811 --> 00:57:05.402
Let's uh the email is ladies at let's get naked podcastcom um, love to hear from you, uh, if you have, you know, questions that maybe are appropriate to put on our next podcast.

00:57:05.402 --> 00:57:13.474
You know we'll, we'll answer those on on the, on the podcast, so other people can hear and learn from each other, and that's it.

00:57:13.474 --> 00:57:21.038
So thanks, lauren, for coming and being vulnerable and getting naked with us about sobriety, and we'll catch everybody next week.

00:57:21.038 --> 00:57:30.498
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

00:57:30.498 --> 00:57:31.581
Let's get naked.