Facing Past Wounds and Embracing Fresh Starts

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Hey everyone, I'm Ann and welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast, where we dive deep into vulnerability.

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In this space, we'll explore what triggers us, uncover the patterns holding us back and discover how to take charge of our own growth.

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If you're ready to dig in, face the tough stuff and transform your life, then buckle up.

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It's time to get naked.

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Today, we're stripping it all off with my oldest daughter, brittany Ann.

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We also are being joined by Belinda and Casey, who some of you know from earlier podcasts.

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With them, casey is my wife, life wife.

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Belinda is my best friend on the planet.

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Brittany apparently has never heard that term before Life wife Life wife yeah, so, yeah.

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So they're joining us as well, because they've both been involved in our family for decades and offer some really great perspectives into well Casey's practically raised Brittany, you know, and so she's.

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She's Brittany's second mom and and blended on the weekends in case he couldn't be on.

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So they offer some great perspective into that.

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So I I wanted to mention that Brittany for those that don't know her is has always marched to the beat of her own drummer and has been the one on this planet to introduce weird to me.

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She has always kept it weird and not a little bit like full bore open weird.

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As I have grown in my on my own journey, I've realized how amazing that is and really come to appreciate that.

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For those that don't know, I think weird is a compliment, the highest compliment, because it's doing what you know is authentic for yourself and not giving a shit what anybody else thinks, and that, to me, is amazing.

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So kudos to you for what you bring to the table, for that and welcome.

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Welcome to all the ladies.

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Yeah, exactly.

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So welcome to all of you.

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So we're going to dive in a little bit and talk about some of the things that Brittany dealt with with me as a mom, which will bring up, hopefully, a lot of different topics that people can take into their own homes and talk with their kiddos about.

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You know, I think a lot of people are not as vulnerable as I'm willing to be when it comes to my parenting or lack thereof.

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I was a baby when I had Brittany.

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I was 19 and a few months, and so I did not bring I didn't have an A game to bring to that parenting situation.

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You know, brittany and I have joked around over the years because she's always said like you're a better mom to you know, to Wiley, around over the years, because she's always said like you're a better mom to you know, to wiley, who's my youngest, and it's like yeah, I'm an adult now.

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I I couldn't believe that they sent me home with a child at 19.

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I still smoked.

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I mean, I smoked all the way through my pregnancy with britney that's terrible and disgusting and then smoked in the house when I had a baby.

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Can you even get your head around?

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Casey just groaned.

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She's like oh my, oh my God, I had no idea.

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Yeah, no.

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I mean it's a lot.

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It's so much character now.

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I mean, you know, as the older generation, we can go around and say like, oh, we drank from the hose and whatever, and Brittany can be like my mom smoked in the house, like how outrageous, truly blessed.

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Yeah so, but but Brittany brings a different perspective to things because Brittany and I have really been able to embrace our relationship as we've gone and it grows every day.

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I appreciate her allowing me to have a seat at her table of life and we make progress every day on just talking through things.

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We've started a couple of years ago really sharing with each other how we felt about stuff.

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More so, brittany being willing to share with me about my shortcomings and me holding space for her.

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That's not an easy thing to do, as we've talked about, because when you hold space for someone else and you were the villain in their story, you have to be willing to really have big shoulders to do that and and also understand that that's her truth.

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It doesn't matter how I remembered it, that's how she remembered it.

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Villain is a really strong word.

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I wouldn't go that far.

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You understand what I'm saying in some of the things where I didn't do you right.

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I am the villain in that story, you know, and so it isn't it's just a choice of words.

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Where it's I'm not the rising star who was like, oh my God, I'm going to champion for you.

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I didn't do you right for a lot of your childhood and I understand that.

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Looking back, I really do.

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I look back at the time when you were little.

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Little.

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I didn't have a clue, you know.

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I look at people who are parents now excellent, they do such a great job and they're paying attention and they're whatever.

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I had no idea.

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I was just trying to keep babies alive, you know, and keep food on the table, and the things that happen when you're 19 and 20 years old.

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All of my friends were out talking about what color nail polish they were going to do or figuring out their hairstyles, and I was trying to figure out how to, in a budget, put formula and pampers and, you know, keep your biological dad from you know whatever he was doing you know, or whatever that looked like.

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You know what I?

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mean so.

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So it was not a great thing.

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I moved away from my family who could have been my support system, but I moved down to Arizona when I was pregnant with you, so I literally had no one down here.

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And then, da-da-da-da, in comes, belinda which Savior, you know, became friends with her when I was pregnant with you.

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She was the one that watched you when I went back to work and really incorporated her into her kiddos, you know.

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So I feel so honored to be sitting here with this group of women, because Casey has, you know, been with our family for 15 long time, since she was eight yeah, since so 20 years, right?

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So so Blinda's been in my life and in our family's life for 30 years and Casey has been for 20 years.

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I mean, this is, these women that are sitting here have probably done more to raise you than I ever did, you know.

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And so I do come from a place of it takes a village, right, and I realize my shortcomings with things, and I never was like don't parent my kid or don't tell me how to parent my kid.

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I was like I'm open to suggestions, I don't parent my kid or don't tell me how to parent my kid.

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I was like I'm open to suggestions.

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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here, you know, because I just I didn't, I didn't, and so that's a big thing.

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They have great stories about who you are as a person and what you brought to the table, and so you know, I can only imagine the things that they say behind closed doors, open doors to open.

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Yeah, right, I mean, we say it right out in the front of my back behind my back.

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Yeah, exactly so so tell me, tell me what that was like for you when you were younger and having the different people that were involved in parenting you and know you were a product of divorce early on.

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Right by I left your biological dad when you were five and you know what do you remember about that time?

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Or what do you remember about early childhood that sticks out to you as far as challenges or things that were going right?

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Or you know, what does that look like for you?

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yeah, um, there were definitely a lot of times where I felt like very alone and um, almost like an afterthought or like I didn't belong, like I was in the way kind of, um, you know, just something else to have to be moved around, not necessarily like I brought joy or value to anything, it was just like, oh you know, I get you here, get you there, get you fed, like it just felt like very transactional.

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I think for a long time growing up, like you know, we didn't really like hug as a family.

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There wasn't really much like affection between a lot of people and, yeah, and having like so many different nannies or family members, or I just felt like I didn't get to see my actual family very much.

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We were just, we all had our own lives.

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It felt like we were just kind of roommates.

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We all shared the house together, but ultimately it was just, you know, going from one place to another.

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There wasn't a lot of stability and not to say that yeah, that, yeah, like I mean, we were always fed and we always had a place to sleep at night.

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It was never, um, about scarcity as much as it was just, yeah, feeling like emotionally abandoned.

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You know, like you.

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You couldn't really talk to anybody.

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There wasn't a real connection you could make.

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It was just kind of we're getting through this, everybody, just get to the end of the day.

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It was yeah, yeah, brittany was very, she was a very emotional child.

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Still am.

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She's a very emotional person, you know, and for me she's a cancer like me.

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She's a cancer like me.

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You notice my necklace.

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She's a cancer like Casey.

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I love it.

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So, she was definitely challenging for me, specifically because I Definitely challenging for me, specifically because I for those that don't know didn't deal with emotion for decades, like I didn't deal with any of it.

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I pushed it down.

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It wasn't something that was.

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It was messy, it was uncomfortable for me.

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I didn't have any interest in pursuing that or figuring that out.

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I thought that was a sign of weakness which I think caused problems with us.

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You know, I wasn't able to be the mom that really was able to support you how you deserve to be supported.

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I set a horrible example for you girls, specifically because I think I started getting it figured out, more so as time went on, but definitely before I got sober.

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It was very transactional and it's interesting to hear you use that phrase in describing our household and our family, because that's exactly what it feels like when you say that.

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You know, and I think for a child, what a terrible thing.

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You know, that hurts my heart for you as that child, because I would want to protect a little girl that didn't feel like she was supported in all the ways you know and uh, and I don't remember a lot about the conversations or anything that maybe would have been brought up other than yes, you just okay, we're going here, we're doing this, we're you know, lunch at this time, dinner at this time.

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You're gonna wake up at time.

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You're going to wake up at this time.

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You're going to go to bed at this time.

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It was very much.

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We knew what we had to do and then we were just kind of in our room, yeah, and it's interesting because I feel like that's how I ran things.

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It's like I'm doing all the things, I'm hitting all the points, project's done and everyone has whatever, but there was not like, hey, let's snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.

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And I look at that from from a perspective of being a mom, and you would think that would be really important to do with your children, you know.

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So.

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Then what does that look like?

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After the fact, which you know, we've talked about, how I'm honored to still be sitting here and have Brittany want to have a relationship with me, because I realized that I did all of those things wrong, you know, and not in a.

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I don't say that to be like, oh, you know anything other than just acknowledging.

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But just acknowledging, I was.

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I was I was.

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My focus was elsewhere, you know.

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And so to be able to heal that stuff with Brittany has been really the honor of my life, because she is open enough to have those conversations with me and we've had the conversations where she's told me the hard things and where I've listened and held her while she cries and screams and all of the things, because she's not wrong in any of the feelings that she has.

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And I think what a cool story to be able to help you heal from trauma that I caused.

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You know, obviously you have your own road and your own path of being able to go down to kind of fix those things, you know, fix those things in yourself.

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But I think I hope that it's easier to be able to do that when you have someone that's on the other side of that, that's willing to own up to all of those pieces.

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Whether I remember it that way or not, it doesn't matter, you know.

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And so I always liken that to when you say you know, you called your biological dad and said like I want, you know, to try to work through some stuff, and he was like it wasn't like that.

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And I always just remember like well, it wasn't like that for.

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But how dare you not hold space for her Because that's what it was like for her?

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You know, when you look at that your childhood as an example obviously I have my own set of things, that I'm looking through different lenses and my perspective as the parent you're the child in that situation who's not being supported for all of the emotional needs that you have.

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Or, you know, sure great, you were always fed, you always had clothes, but that's literally like the bare minimum.

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You know we're supposed to.

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You know, hold space for our children and help them grow emotionally and help them, you know, deal with all of life, whatever that is.

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That was not a place I came from.

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You know, like you said, having a bunch of nannies, having people I mean, thank God Casey was as constant in your life, thank God Belinda was a constant in your life, but hopefully these ladies were able to offer you know some stability in that way as well, because I was out to lunch.

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You know, may I ask you, uh, when you first realized that I was an alcoholic?

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You know, for a long time I just thought that's how adults were you just.

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You just party all the time, like that's.

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That's the benefit of being an adult is you get alcohol and so for a long time.

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And you know, like the weekends I would spend over with Chris, like in getting to see auntie drinking and stuff, and it was like no matter where I would go, it was always adults, always drinking.

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So I didn't realize that anyone really was an alcoholic until Emily went to rehab the first time, and you know, with Aunt Maureen, and I think that's really when stuff, you know, after I had left home, was when I started to know.

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But even then I had no idea because we didn't talk, like I was in the dark.

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And yeah, I think even now, like I look back on some of that stuff and I've, I had no idea.

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You know, nobody really told me like what a parent is supposed to be or would not.

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And I think about, like some of the stories I've told my friends of, like the way that I was treated by you or Chris or whatever, and it was like like that's not healthy, like that's not normal, and it's like well, like well, that was how I grew up, like that's just normal to me.

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So yeah, I didn't even know that you had a problem until it was already way too bad.

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I thought that that's just how adults were and that was interesting that was my mom, that was my dad.

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That's all I knew.

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I think too, because you you weren't a sloppy drunk, you didn't know.

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You were nice, you were fun.

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Yeah, you didn't, you were fun, that's when you would cuddle me is when you were drunk, then you'd pet my hair.

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Remember like blinda with dogs when she would kick exactly that's when you get down right.

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That's when the best times happen exactly.

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So I was like, oh, that's, that's why people drink is it's fun, it's good?

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yes for her for you, just yeah, having a good time with your friends doing whatever exactly.

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I can see how you would have been completely oblivious yeah, I had no idea.

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I mean, it was even a problem.

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I was taking care of you guys at that time and I didn't notice either you know, I knew she drank, I knew she had a good time.

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But yeah, but it was like everybody drinks, right, you know like that's.

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I thought it was casual.

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I thought that's just what happened, so drinks right you know, like that's I thought it was casual.

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That's just what happened.

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So when did you know I was an alcoholic?

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Oh, that day we sat at the arrogant butcher and I said do you think you'll ever stop?

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And you go, no, and I'm like why?

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It's because I don't want to.

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And we you were at the condo we went to go have lunch.

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The only reason why I even thought about it is because I was already thinking about it in myself and, being in an already alcoholic family my dad, my grandfather, my uncles I recognize it, but like still in denial and also just unaware because we were young.

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So it wasn't like I had all the answers or I knew.

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It was just.

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I think that time in my life there were so many things that I knew weren't right and I was questioning.

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I wasn't obviously talking to anyone about it, but there was definitely things that I was questioning about myself and yeah.

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So Brittany, do you go back and start reconciling some of the stuff?

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Do you realize that you have to fix the junk from your childhood and do?

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you.

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So how do you?

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How do you feel?

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like you do the work associated with that.

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Oh, honestly, it's been a lot of different weird things for me growing up, because I think and one thing I brought up to you not too long ago of like the brushing your teeth thing, you know, you'd always, you'd always ask us, like, did you brush your teeth?

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And whether or not we had we could just say yes and get away with it.

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And, um, I always, for whatever reason in my head, you know, because stuff was so scheduled in our lives, it was like, you know, you wake up, you go to bed, like we're doing these things, that's what you do.

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I always thought I had to brush my teeth, like when I woke up and when I went to bed.

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But I'm weird and I like to eat my breakfast and then brush my teeth because I don't want to have toothpaste, like I like orange juice, it's a whole thing, yeah, but ultimately, like you know, I I thought you couldn't.

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I, you know you have that weird brain block of like, well, I missed the window to brush my teeth, it's not, I don't have to.

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Exactly like I always thought it was a rebellious like middle fingered him, mom thing, oh I in my mind it.

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There's a schedule for things and I missed that appointment and in the past year I've broken that cycle of like.

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I can brush my teeth literally anytime, anywhere, no one can stop me, no one's going to tell me it's too late in the day, like it can be before breakfast, it could be after, I just and just so many weird little things like that where you have to, it's crazy.

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You can do it as many times as you want to.

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Yeah.

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With whatever flavor toothpaste you like you know, you can even pick the color of your toothbrush.

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You have so many options as an adult, endless.

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And as a kid, I think you, just, you know you think things are one way because somebody told you that one time, or you know you don't understand to like think further past something.

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You're just like that's what the parents said, that's what I have to do, whatever it is, and you just don't think beyond that.

00:18:38.041 --> 00:18:50.882
So now as an adult, it's like oh, I'm realizing I have all these weird things in my head of that's not how things have to be, that's not how I have to do things, it's not how I feel and you can just fix your shit right and you can just fix your shit.

00:18:51.683 --> 00:18:58.724
I think once you realize that, it blows your mind wide open because it's like I have control over any of this stuff.

00:18:58.724 --> 00:19:05.463
So I love that awakening for you, because you realize it doesn't matter what it is you do.

00:19:05.463 --> 00:19:08.805
Say you put your pants on one leg at a time or you put your whatever.

00:19:08.805 --> 00:19:10.739
It doesn't matter, you're looking at it and you go.

00:19:10.739 --> 00:19:12.484
Does that resonate with me?

00:19:12.484 --> 00:19:14.436
Do I want to do it that way?

00:19:14.436 --> 00:19:20.721
Because once you open your eyes to things, I feel like everything becomes something that you're curious about you know, whatever it is it's?

00:19:21.261 --> 00:19:22.484
why do I do it this way?

00:19:22.484 --> 00:19:28.506
And even if you can't remember and go back and figure it out, you can say is this how I want to do this?

00:19:28.506 --> 00:19:30.317
Is this how I want to believe things?

00:19:30.317 --> 00:19:34.667
You know, I was raised this way, to be X, y, z or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:19:34.667 --> 00:19:35.838
Does this land with me?

00:19:35.838 --> 00:19:36.863
Does this resonate with me?

00:19:36.863 --> 00:19:39.384
And if it doesn't, how do I want to change that?

00:19:39.384 --> 00:19:41.020
What does land with me?

00:19:41.020 --> 00:19:43.083
And that can also always change.

00:19:43.555 --> 00:19:48.162
You don't have to just be set in something that you were dealt when you were growing up.

00:19:48.162 --> 00:19:51.926
You know, I think the structure of things I felt like was important to me.

00:19:51.926 --> 00:20:05.888
You know, I felt like when I first split up from from Chris, it was okay, two weeks on, two weeks off that was before really cell phones and so I would have to go two weeks without seeing the girls or talking to them.

00:20:05.888 --> 00:20:07.173
It was torture.

00:20:07.173 --> 00:20:19.586
I mean, that's literally torture, but it's like I would shut that off because of the emotions associated with that and it was all business, because I just I wouldn't, I wasn't willing to allow myself to feel that.

00:20:19.586 --> 00:20:30.909
You know, and that feels gross to even say out loud right now that I protected myself in that, without figuring out a better way to work around that for you girls.

00:20:30.909 --> 00:20:40.602
You know, I think I think going through a divorce with kids is torture, just torture.

00:20:40.602 --> 00:20:43.586
I mean little kids, it's torture.

00:20:44.166 --> 00:20:50.746
It was a messy divorce, it was yeah I saw the messages he wrote like what a scumbag.

00:20:50.746 --> 00:20:51.769
It's pretty bad.

00:20:51.769 --> 00:20:56.420
Like props to you for getting out of that abuse it's it's pretty bad.

00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:04.623
It's a lot of that stuff is awful and and also you know he was so hurt that he didn't know to protect you girls, you know you both were so young.

00:21:04.663 --> 00:21:06.006
Yeah, we totally were kids.

00:21:06.006 --> 00:21:07.740
I was 24 years old, I had had.

00:21:07.779 --> 00:21:09.886
No, seriously I had you when I was 19.

00:21:09.886 --> 00:21:12.075
I had emily when I was 22, you know.

00:21:12.075 --> 00:21:14.063
Then I'm going through a divorce at 24.

00:21:14.063 --> 00:21:15.460
What does that even look like?

00:21:15.460 --> 00:21:17.884
And I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

00:21:17.884 --> 00:21:21.184
But I look at some of the stuff that I navigated at a very young age.

00:21:21.184 --> 00:21:24.124
I handled my own divorce because I couldn't afford an attorney.

00:21:24.124 --> 00:21:33.707
I, you know, dealt with just all of the things getting a restraining order because it got really bad, and just trying to protect you.

00:21:33.707 --> 00:21:35.615
But he was very spiteful, you know.

00:21:35.615 --> 00:21:38.404
I would tell him and he knew how I felt when we were married.

00:21:38.404 --> 00:21:42.967
But you can't let the girls watch movies that are not appropriate, aged for them, right?

00:21:42.967 --> 00:21:50.596
And he would do shit to spite me where he would let you girls watch R-rated movies, like horror movies, when you were little little girls.

00:21:50.737 --> 00:21:52.439
I was there, I know it was terrible.

00:21:52.558 --> 00:21:55.760
And it has fucked you both up from stuff like that.

00:21:55.760 --> 00:22:00.785
Well, I mean, it still does, right, the stuff that Emily still talks about and it's like great job.

00:22:00.785 --> 00:22:01.786
Great job, Chris.

00:22:01.786 --> 00:22:04.907
I've forgiven him for me, but great job.

00:22:04.907 --> 00:22:11.252
So, for parents that are listening when you're dealing with a divorce, who cares how hurt you are with whatever that situation is?

00:22:11.252 --> 00:22:13.178
You guys are adults.

00:22:13.178 --> 00:22:14.323
Protect those kids.

00:22:14.323 --> 00:22:15.679
Don't bring them into.

00:22:15.679 --> 00:22:18.164
You know the fact that you can't.

00:22:18.164 --> 00:22:21.039
Your feelings are hurt and you can't get over that.

00:22:21.039 --> 00:22:22.884
Someone decided to leave, so what?

00:22:22.884 --> 00:22:24.087
Who cares?

00:22:24.087 --> 00:22:32.544
Protect those kids, because now you have adults that are now having to unpack all of the shit that was handed down to you during all of that time.

00:22:33.460 --> 00:22:38.115
I have nightmares for years, absolutely.

00:22:38.115 --> 00:22:39.520
I mean mean I've just barely gotten over my night terrors.

00:22:39.560 --> 00:22:48.175
yeah, the ptsd medication I've been prescribed right exactly as a 28 year old woman right, because because someone wasn't adult enough to say like, let's not do this to our kids, they're, they're coming from a place of spike to the other parent.

00:22:48.175 --> 00:22:48.737
I mean that's just.

00:22:48.737 --> 00:22:52.243
And again, I don't think that I did everything perfectly either, but I look back at that.

00:22:52.365 --> 00:22:54.388
You didn't actively go out of your way to hurt us.

00:22:56.701 --> 00:22:57.664
I was just trying to protect you.

00:22:57.664 --> 00:23:01.941
I was a ding-dong kid out to lunch myself just trying to keep my head above water.

00:23:01.941 --> 00:23:05.605
But I wasn't trying to spite anyone by doing damage.

00:23:05.894 --> 00:23:06.517
No, that's one thing.

00:23:06.517 --> 00:23:13.928
That's always crazy to me too, looking back on that, because I remember going over to his house on the weekends and he just always had bad things to say about you.

00:23:13.928 --> 00:23:19.101
There was never and yeah, if he ever mentioned you at all, it was to say something bad.

00:23:19.101 --> 00:23:22.537
And you know, for me it was like oh well, she's not that bad, you know in my head.

00:23:22.557 --> 00:23:35.570
I was like, whatever, he's got his own trauma and it is like, as an adult looking back on that now, I mean like that was just so, so weird, like you never said a single thing about him ever, like good or bad like not in front of you girls, not never girls.

00:23:35.570 --> 00:23:40.400
It wasn't, yeah, he actually was trying to turn us on you, but it's like you were the one protecting us.

00:23:40.400 --> 00:23:41.442
You're the one caring for us.

00:23:41.442 --> 00:23:44.457
We were never like uncomfortable or scared to be around you.

00:23:44.596 --> 00:24:21.428
Yeah, like it's just crazy, like the manipulation that an adult can have on a child and someone you're supposed to look up to and trust and is supposed to care about you, a place that's supposed to be safe and yeah to, to manipulate you, for to get back at your ex or, um, you know, because you're a bigger guy, because you think, oh, I've got the power and it's like to whatever people's sick, twisted minds have for playing like keep kids out of it at the end of the day, please, just you're absolutely right and I just think for the rest of their life, and especially because we have 50 divorce rate right, half the half the people are going through divorce.

00:24:21.468 --> 00:24:29.240
I think half of the people that stay married don't want to stay married, but they think that they're doing the right thing for the kids and it's like how are we not all fucked up?

00:24:30.022 --> 00:24:31.586
right, how are we not all fucked up?

00:24:31.586 --> 00:24:39.557
Because we're all dealing with those things from our parents, regardless of what it is that they're bringing to the table and again, I realize everyone's doing the best that they can.

00:24:39.557 --> 00:24:46.303
But that was something that was really important to me to not talk bad about him in front of you girls, because who cares that?

00:24:46.303 --> 00:24:47.444
I think he's an asshole.

00:24:47.444 --> 00:24:54.895
That was still your dad, you know, and so I remember when we were living at the Bernil house, so you must have been when we lived there.

00:24:54.935 --> 00:25:02.625
You must have been 20 yeah, right so I don't, you know, I've been out to college just for a very brief, yeah, brief time.

00:25:02.644 --> 00:25:20.460
But I remember you, I still remember we were standing in between closets over in my side of the house and you said to me mom, I just want you to know that I realized that you, it must have really been hard for you to not talk bad about him.

00:25:21.362 --> 00:25:27.682
Uh, and I get it and I get it and I really felt like you understood that because I hurt in all of that stuff.

00:25:27.682 --> 00:25:30.977
You know that he did some horrible things throughout our divorce.

00:25:30.977 --> 00:25:40.406
I mean he was mean, he was mean, he was mean, he was so hurt and he was so mean and it was just like to not speak out and and vent and whatever.

00:25:40.406 --> 00:25:55.644
But I always Cameron and I were always very cognizant of not speaking in front of you kids, not saying bad things about him to you guys, knowing that you would figure it out as you got older and just to be able to really love on you and try to keep you guys safe in that situation.

00:25:55.644 --> 00:26:07.000
But what a horrible feeling to have your kiddos and then have to send them over to their dad for every other weekend or, you know, whatever the parenting schedule was at whatever time throughout.

00:26:07.000 --> 00:26:11.478
Literally it was the most helpless feeling on the planet, you know.

00:26:13.323 --> 00:26:24.184
I know this, like you know you can't go back and change anything, but I wish you had said something, because I mean, obviously, like you can't just be like, oh you know, watch out, he might be abusive.

00:26:24.184 --> 00:26:33.799
But I had so many experiences that I've told people about growing up and you know, obviously now I recognize that it was abuse in so many different ways.

00:26:33.799 --> 00:26:48.134
But you know, as a kid, talking to other friends and whatever, and I didn't realize so many, you know, I think even told you, like when I was 12, that what was happening and you're like oh yeah, like that's not okay and like then we had less time with him, but like I didn't realize he was abusing me.

00:26:48.134 --> 00:27:00.396
Or you know, like a lot of the things I thought like well, that's just how dads are, like that's just, that's normal, that's casual, like I had no idea that what, like, what was happening to me, was something that I could have avoided.

00:27:00.396 --> 00:27:03.817
Or that, you know, like that that's not what love is, that's not.

00:27:03.817 --> 00:27:05.615
You know, I don't know it.

00:27:05.654 --> 00:27:10.968
Just so many things where I wish you, you know, could have just taken me out of there.

00:27:10.968 --> 00:27:18.637
I wish I didn't have to be around him.

00:27:18.637 --> 00:27:21.308
I wish I didn't have to go through all those things but ultimately, um, yeah, like you don't know it's abuse, you don't know that.

00:27:21.308 --> 00:27:22.031
You think it's that's your dad.

00:27:22.031 --> 00:27:22.574
That's just what dads do.

00:27:22.574 --> 00:27:26.065
Like he's the dad, that's the dad thing, and no, like abuse is not.

00:27:26.065 --> 00:27:29.075
It's not in every relationship, it's not casual.

00:27:29.075 --> 00:27:31.560
Dad should not be allowed to do that.

00:27:31.560 --> 00:27:32.864
No one should be allowed to do that.

00:27:33.625 --> 00:27:36.579
It's not love what specifically are you talking about?

00:27:36.579 --> 00:27:46.920
Man, just like, if you're willing to share, yeah, if you're not willing to share, please feel free to say like being slapped in the face, being choked, being bullied.

00:27:46.980 --> 00:27:48.305
Basically, he bullied, he was a bully.

00:27:48.384 --> 00:27:49.750
He bullied me and my sister.

00:27:50.010 --> 00:28:00.624
I mean, you know, making us think that like he had these like sick mental games where he would like try to get us to believe something and then be like, oh no, it's just a joke, just a joke.

00:28:00.624 --> 00:28:15.429
Or, like you know, have us, I don't know, he was just, he was very cruel and, you know, when I look back I think like he was like a fun uncle, you know, like you know, like he would take us to lego land or we'd go to glamis, we'd have all this fun and then he'd get drunk.

00:28:16.108 --> 00:28:25.773
And then you know, you, just you hope that you were asleep already or somewhere else and that he was busy enough doing his own thing that he wouldn't bother you.

00:28:25.773 --> 00:28:34.289
But, um, yeah, if, if it was where you were still awake, doing whatever, or he felt so inclined to be that angry.

00:28:34.289 --> 00:28:40.968
You know, it's just unfortunate that adults can hurt kids.

00:28:42.498 --> 00:28:44.163
Yeah, you're absolutely right, it is.

00:28:44.163 --> 00:28:51.619
You know, how do you feel like you're healing from that, from any of that?

00:28:51.619 --> 00:29:06.241
That's trauma, that's definitely trauma, and it hurts my heart to think about a child who's hoping that they're asleep once their dad starts drinking, hoping that they don't have to have interactions or hoping that.

00:29:06.241 --> 00:29:09.531
I mean God, that breaks my heart.

00:29:09.531 --> 00:29:11.098
Yes, that happens.

00:29:11.098 --> 00:29:21.767
And here's the thing, this is the thing that sucks People that talk about with their kids and splitting up and the other parent having say that shit happens.

00:29:21.767 --> 00:29:32.708
And I went to the court with different things and there's like there's nothing we can do about it because that's just, you know, that's his way of parenting or that's this or that, and it's like you can't get your head around.

00:29:32.759 --> 00:29:33.942
Not everyone should be allowed to be a parent.

00:29:33.942 --> 00:29:34.883
Right, absolutely.

00:29:34.883 --> 00:29:36.224
But you just can't get your head around.

00:29:36.865 --> 00:29:39.971
The courts aren't there to help in those types of situations.

00:29:39.971 --> 00:29:42.454
But also, who are you helping from?

00:29:42.454 --> 00:29:47.402
Because I wasn't the best to you either.

00:29:47.402 --> 00:29:50.385
I mean, yes, I provided structure and I didn't abuse you guys and like in that way, whatever, but I wasn't also a great parent.

00:29:50.385 --> 00:29:56.635
So that's part of coming from the other side of that now and like, what are you doing to heal from stuff like that, because you don't want to carry that baggage around?

00:29:56.635 --> 00:30:03.362
You don't want to carry that baggage around if you ever decided you wanted to be a mom, you know and, and you don't want to carry that baggage around so that you have all of those triggers.

00:30:03.362 --> 00:30:08.680
You got a mind, mind, field of trigger opportunities in your entire childhood.

00:30:08.680 --> 00:30:11.684
So what do you do to to work on fixing that shit?

00:30:12.547 --> 00:30:19.859
I've definitely um had a lot of therapy over the years, which I think has helped a lot.

00:30:19.859 --> 00:30:27.433
I think a big thing too is being able to talk with you and, you know, with my sister, who's also gone through some of the experiences.

00:30:27.433 --> 00:30:32.731
We haven't been able to have a ton of conversations because it is so emotional for us.

00:30:32.731 --> 00:30:35.307
It, you know we do.

00:30:35.307 --> 00:30:45.786
We just bring out the worst in each other and especially getting to that point of emotional intensity, I mean I don't think either of us has really fully delved into everything that happened.

00:30:45.786 --> 00:30:47.594
Um, because it is.

00:30:47.594 --> 00:31:03.528
You know, there are periods of time where she lived with him or I lived with him, or you know, we both did and, um, we've both just been through a lot with that situation and I am doing my best to talk about it to you know, I'm on I don't know.

00:31:03.528 --> 00:31:09.528
I think I've always been depressed, but like I'm on antidepressants, I'm on, yeah, my anxiety for my PTSD.

00:31:09.528 --> 00:31:12.941
I've got all sorts of stuff going on that I'm working on.

00:31:14.263 --> 00:31:21.403
You've introduced me to Reiki and what is the sound, the breath works, breath works, amazing, amazing.

00:31:21.403 --> 00:31:23.028
Would recommend 10 out of 10.

00:31:23.028 --> 00:31:24.471
Get yourself a gal.

00:31:25.181 --> 00:31:26.025
Get yourself a gal.

00:31:27.181 --> 00:31:32.653
Yeah, I mean and that's the thing I think we've talked about too is it's a lifelong process.

00:31:32.653 --> 00:31:36.265
It's not like you just step through a door and you're like right, then I'm healed.

00:31:36.265 --> 00:31:39.569
It's, um, it's every day, it's.

00:31:39.569 --> 00:31:41.011
I'm writing in my journal.

00:31:41.011 --> 00:31:45.125
I have a little gratitude list I make every day, or as often as I can.

00:31:45.345 --> 00:32:00.586
Yeah, exactly, and as it comes up, looking at the positive side of things, remembering, like all the people that I do love, all the good relationships that I have, and it is just putting the past behind you, letting it stay behind you and just continuing to look forward.

00:32:00.586 --> 00:32:05.782
And you know, pushing, pushing love, positivity being the change you want to see.

00:32:05.782 --> 00:32:08.548
So, yeah, Interesting.

00:32:08.548 --> 00:32:09.550
Did you?

00:32:09.550 --> 00:32:13.605
Guys well I mean wow, is it that good?

00:32:13.605 --> 00:32:14.407
What would you like?

00:32:14.407 --> 00:32:15.490
What would you like me to say?

00:32:15.490 --> 00:32:17.864
What would you like me to say after?

00:32:17.884 --> 00:32:21.512
what you just shared Neato, neato, neato.

00:32:21.512 --> 00:32:28.192
I mean my kiddos and my family have an exclusive opportunity to bust my balls at any moment.

00:32:28.299 --> 00:32:30.067
So you just never know what's going to come out.

00:32:30.067 --> 00:32:33.148
Have you talked about our safety word as a family?

00:32:33.148 --> 00:32:37.605
Oh, my God, it was instilled because of me, because I have so many problems.

00:32:37.744 --> 00:32:41.932
wow, britney has anger issues, which I again.

00:32:41.932 --> 00:32:45.463
You look back at where she's come from and you can't blame her for that.

00:32:45.463 --> 00:32:52.268
You know there was a lot of angry stuff that that came from all sorts of stuff from all sorts of things.

00:32:52.268 --> 00:32:59.392
So so britney does have a quick trigger to to shoot first and and not even worry about the body count after the fact.

00:32:59.392 --> 00:33:03.329
So one of my Cameron will say it's one of my finer parenting moments.

00:33:03.539 --> 00:33:06.931
No, honestly, that changed the game for our family with that night.

00:33:07.982 --> 00:33:23.290
Yeah, so the girls would get into it, which made it super uncomfortable for Wiley, because there's a seven-year difference between Wiley and Emily, and so he's this little boy who's just thinking he's going through, and then Brittany comes in, just guns a-blazing, you know, and Emily and her would just get into it.

00:33:23.299 --> 00:33:25.769
Emily knows how to start the fire underneath me in the worst way.

00:33:25.769 --> 00:33:26.920
Emily knows how to push the buttons.

00:33:27.500 --> 00:33:39.483
So, we as a family installed a safe word, which is trigger fish, in our family and we all had to sign a contract.

00:33:39.483 --> 00:33:49.724
Contract which is if we're at a place where somebody wants to shut the conversation down because someone else is coming in too hard on it or whatever, it is just not comfortable at the time, it doesn't even matter you don't have to have an excuse, you can just trigger fish.

00:33:49.765 --> 00:33:52.030
That, and we've been, I think, pretty good.

00:33:52.030 --> 00:34:01.949
I mean, that was five, four or five years ago that we implemented that and I feel like that's really been a game changer for our family, because you and Emily know how to push each other's buttons.

00:34:01.949 --> 00:34:02.631
Oh seriously.

00:34:02.740 --> 00:34:02.861
Does.

00:34:02.921 --> 00:34:03.945
Emily remind you of Chris?

00:34:03.945 --> 00:34:10.463
Is that part of like when you say you guys doing the work and like working through some of that stuff together and how hard that is, does she remind you of?

00:34:10.463 --> 00:34:13.445
I mean, obviously of that time for sure, but is that a thing?

00:34:19.519 --> 00:34:20.402
Kind of her but does is that a thing kind of?

00:34:20.402 --> 00:34:25.916
I think more of my problem is that I remind her of Chris and I can, I like I feel the way that she treats me and the way I don't know.

00:34:25.916 --> 00:34:43.293
I guess I, yeah, being around her reminds me of that time and I think, especially because we still have so much trauma and you know things to talk about that we just potentially may never talk about I mean, those are sores or wounds or you know it's just icky yuck.

00:34:43.400 --> 00:34:45.032
That is always kind of between us.

00:34:45.032 --> 00:34:46.139
That is unfortunate.

00:34:46.139 --> 00:34:53.909
I would love to break through that or, you know, clean up that emotional mess, but I don't know.

00:34:53.909 --> 00:34:56.782
There's a lot of trauma there for sure.

00:34:57.844 --> 00:35:04.693
It's just so fucked up, you know, like they didn't do any of that and they have to fucking clean it up.

00:35:04.693 --> 00:35:22.224
I know You're absolutely right, I mean and I'm talking from the hot seat also, because obviously you grew up with my kids same ages and I'm just sitting here listening to her and thinking, well, chelsea was next to her for most of that.

00:35:22.224 --> 00:35:37.193
So I'm I'm hearing you and it's very helpful and it's very impressive that you have come so far, such a long way in such a short period of time, which a lot of us are doing these days.

00:35:37.373 --> 00:35:46.210
Yeah, but you know, like doing the work and doing all the things that you're doing, no doubt you'll be, you'll be, you're already on your way.

00:35:46.210 --> 00:35:50.661
So it's really good, but yeah, it's really fucked up.

00:35:51.503 --> 00:35:52.083
It's work.

00:35:52.083 --> 00:35:58.027
It's work, you know, and I don't you know, when we talk about, yes, it's painful and yes, it's all the things.

00:35:58.027 --> 00:36:03.431
But as you're working through these things, whatever they are that are coming up, don't you feel lighter in doing that?

00:36:03.472 --> 00:36:04.652
Don't you feel lighter as you?

00:36:04.693 --> 00:36:06.333
fix your shit and it's like again.

00:36:06.333 --> 00:36:19.813
I always say this the trauma that happened to you when you were a child is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix it, because if you take the things that you had that happened to you as a child, which you have a whole pile of them, I mean you're never going to run out of material.

00:36:19.813 --> 00:36:21.121
You have a whole pile of them.

00:36:21.501 --> 00:36:29.588
But if you don't fix those and then something comes in and triggers that something in you and then you lash out at other people, how is that?

00:36:29.648 --> 00:36:29.909
fair?

00:36:29.909 --> 00:36:30.710
It's not.

00:36:30.811 --> 00:36:34.244
It's not, it's not, and you always take it out on the people that are closest to you.

00:36:34.244 --> 00:36:37.628
So for me, it's when something triggers me get curious.

00:36:37.628 --> 00:36:38.710
Get curious.

00:36:38.710 --> 00:36:39.992
Where is this coming from?

00:36:39.992 --> 00:36:43.786
And is this something that I want to bring forward in my adult life?

00:36:43.786 --> 00:36:54.885
Cause I'm an adult now and I don't have to come from the same place of that hurt, wounded child that dealt with the abusive dad that dealt with you know all of the trauma that came from all of the things.

00:36:54.905 --> 00:37:00.175
Yeah, you know Like everybody has a fucked up story from their childhood.

00:37:00.175 --> 00:37:03.387
You know I know very few people that are like my childhood was great.

00:37:03.387 --> 00:37:05.945
I do know a few, but I know very few people.

00:37:05.945 --> 00:37:07.525
I can count them on two fingers.

00:37:07.525 --> 00:37:15.413
You know Everybody else had shit that was messed up in different, varying degrees from different adults in their lives and in their past.

00:37:15.413 --> 00:37:18.847
So it's like great degrees from different adults in their lives and in their in their past.

00:37:18.847 --> 00:37:19.831
So it's like great, but let's clean that up.

00:37:19.831 --> 00:37:29.130
And a lot of stuff you don't even realize is a thing until it sparks something and you come out and you get triggered and if you come from a place of anger, which is your mo right, every time you get angry about something, get curious.

00:37:29.753 --> 00:37:35.347
You know, because you know it's coming from a place, if you're defending something inside of yourself that it was like, why does that hurt?

00:37:35.347 --> 00:37:35.789
You know?

00:37:35.789 --> 00:37:37.512
You know it's like the whole banana.

00:37:37.512 --> 00:37:41.501
If you cut a banana, you can't really tell from the outside right, you're a beautiful woman.

00:37:41.501 --> 00:37:44.514
You touch that spot, it's brown on the inside.

00:37:44.514 --> 00:37:47.565
That wound doesn't just go away unless you fix it, you know.

00:37:47.565 --> 00:37:48.829
So fix it.

00:37:48.829 --> 00:37:52.800
But you have to be willing to look at that and then be curious about it.

00:37:52.800 --> 00:37:57.701
What did you see, casey, from the outside of things when the kids were growing up?

00:37:57.701 --> 00:38:03.742
I know you were part of the shuffling them, helping shuffle them back and forth between households.

00:38:05.226 --> 00:38:11.054
Well, I definitely saw Brittany and Emily's relationship get rough at times.

00:38:11.054 --> 00:38:18.393
The one I remember most specifically is I think you choked her or something, something about a hot dog.

00:38:19.141 --> 00:38:21.509
It got it got really broke Emily's nose.

00:38:21.509 --> 00:38:23.394
Yeah, she fell on the ground.

00:38:23.394 --> 00:38:24.820
Okay, she fell on the ground.

00:38:24.820 --> 00:38:29.010
She didn't fall on the ground, no big deal, um.

00:38:29.250 --> 00:38:36.268
So there was a lot of just a lot of tension at times with that um.

00:38:36.349 --> 00:38:44.190
I also remember a time where I had to step away from you guys because I just didn't know what else to do, but overall I felt like you guys were just being regular sisters.

00:38:44.190 --> 00:39:10.659
But something that made me think of you guys when you were little that made me really sad is how excited you were to see your dad at the airport when you guys would be on your way to go visit him and dropping you off, and seeing how excited you were to see your dad at the airport when you guys would be on your way to go visit him and dropping you off and seeing how excited you were, I didn't realize that you guys felt that way, that you were, um, waiting for him to fall asleep and not be around.

00:39:10.659 --> 00:39:14.023
So that was really hard for me to hear right now.

00:39:14.023 --> 00:39:27.307
Um, it almost feels like you're just being passed on to whoever and I feel guilty in some way not even realizing that you felt that way.

00:39:27.307 --> 00:39:31.902
So I'm sorry if I ever let you down in that way.

00:39:32.083 --> 00:39:33.068
No, you were there to catch me.

00:39:33.068 --> 00:39:34.655
There's a bunch of people there, unfortunately.

00:39:34.655 --> 00:39:40.184
No, you were there to catch me, you know it's a bunch of people there unfortunately, it wasn't her actual biological parents.

00:39:40.264 --> 00:39:41.945
Yeah, I mean they were the ones playing the hot potato.

00:39:41.965 --> 00:39:46.010
Everybody else was there to be there for support, but I don't know.

00:39:46.331 --> 00:39:49.914
I feel like I should have been more in tune with something like that.

00:39:50.376 --> 00:39:53.463
We were very strong, you know, we didn't really let on.

00:39:53.463 --> 00:39:55.730
It's like we had like bruises all over our legs or arms or anything.

00:39:57.019 --> 00:39:58.748
Let on, it's like we had like bruises all over our legs or arms or anything.

00:39:58.768 --> 00:40:00.173
It was and I think at the time, you guys didn't even maybe realize.

00:40:00.173 --> 00:40:01.500
Yeah, I know, because I thought that was what parents were.

00:40:01.500 --> 00:40:02.684
I thought that was normal.

00:40:02.724 --> 00:40:03.467
I don't think you do.

00:40:03.467 --> 00:40:16.487
I literally, even after I went through that whole divorce it, I didn't realize how abusive that was until I've gotten healthy and looking back at how the control, how how you know when someone is super controlling of you.

00:40:16.487 --> 00:40:21.414
What a, what a mental abuse situation that is or you know the mental and emotional abuse.

00:40:21.574 --> 00:40:23.543
He was a mind game guy.

00:40:23.543 --> 00:40:25.748
I mean, he was just and again.

00:40:25.748 --> 00:40:28.681
I look back at that and he's not the villain in my story anymore.

00:40:28.681 --> 00:40:31.246
I've forgiven him because he was a broken man.

00:40:31.246 --> 00:40:33.652
I look at the childhood that he was raised in.

00:40:33.652 --> 00:40:37.338
He was a man, you know so, does it make it okay?

00:40:37.338 --> 00:40:39.324
Of course it doesn't, but hurt people, hurt people.

00:40:39.324 --> 00:40:46.351
There's a reason there's that saying, you know, and so he was trying to take control over things, because he never had that when he was growing up you know.

00:40:46.391 --> 00:40:50.027
So then that was his power of being able to control other people.

00:40:50.027 --> 00:40:54.505
But I look at it and I think how did I even fall into that?

00:40:54.505 --> 00:40:55.827
I just remember you.

00:40:55.827 --> 00:41:00.652
I remember that Mother's Day when we left and and I came back, we were gone for a couple of hours.

00:41:00.652 --> 00:41:21.027
Blinda and I went to a spa and the girls were still really young and he chewed into me in the front fucking yard on Mother's Day because I was gone an extra half hour hour, whatever the hell it was that we were gone and just belittled me Like I can't even tell you, and I thought what am I doing here?

00:41:21.027 --> 00:41:35.871
You know, I've started to unpack all of that stuff mainly after the ayahuasca thing, where it it became apparent that I needed to work on those things, but I I didn't really take it for the emotional and mental abuse that it really was until much later I just thought, yeah, that's fucked up and whatever.

00:41:35.871 --> 00:41:38.199
But no, there's a lot of that stuff.

00:41:38.199 --> 00:41:40.208
That's really bad, because I would.

00:41:40.288 --> 00:41:45.626
Also, nobody was paying attention to us as kids, you know everybody was doing their own thing and, yeah, like we were passed around.

00:41:45.626 --> 00:41:49.891
It wasn't like nobody was asking us how we were doing, like what was our day, like what had happened.

00:41:49.891 --> 00:41:54.606
It was just like, okay, well, now you're home, now you know, go wash up, we're gonna have dinner.

00:41:54.606 --> 00:41:57.793
Okay, well, dinner, we're going to watch TV for an hour and then go to bed.

00:41:57.793 --> 00:42:05.751
I mean, it was, everything was like very transactional, the transactional word that hits home for me because, I don't disagree with that.

00:42:05.940 --> 00:42:19.791
You know, that's what it felt like from my side too, because I thought that that was what I was supposed to be doing is making certain that you had the things and the projects were done, and if it wasn't me that was doing that, making certain that I had people in place, either nannies or other people that would be able to provide that.

00:42:19.791 --> 00:42:24.474
But I look back at that, cameron, and I will say like, oh, who was that one?

00:42:24.474 --> 00:42:26.277
Or Wiley will be like, well, who was that one?

00:42:26.277 --> 00:42:26.476
Nanny?

00:42:26.476 --> 00:42:31.521
And I think I start doing the math and I'm like it doesn't feel like stability.

00:42:31.521 --> 00:42:39.795
You know that I provided to you guys, even though, and especially, absolute craziness of like, okay, we're going to rip your whole entire house down and we're going to move you over here.

00:42:39.920 --> 00:42:40.762
And now we're going to move you over here.

00:42:40.762 --> 00:42:42.027
Use your bedroom in the dining room.

00:42:42.027 --> 00:42:44.298
I mean, oh my God, use a plastic siding wall for our bedroom.

00:42:44.298 --> 00:42:46.567
Yeah, we're going to do a home renovation project.

00:42:46.608 --> 00:42:48.465
Don't worry, kids, all of your bedrooms are gone.

00:42:48.465 --> 00:42:58.543
You're sleeping in the living too.

00:42:58.543 --> 00:42:59.164
Oh my god, it just happened.

00:42:59.164 --> 00:42:59.586
I am a lunatic.

00:42:59.606 --> 00:43:01.815
I am a lunatic and then it goes back to belinda with the bing bing jumping on the trampoline.

00:43:01.835 --> 00:43:02.398
Well, you've always ran hard.

00:43:02.418 --> 00:43:17.271
Yeah, I mean especially especially when you're married to chris like that's all I remember is you always moving, moving, moving, moving, doing something, doing something, and and yeah, it did make me I was exhausted just watching.

00:43:17.311 --> 00:43:19.983
Yeah, and why did I feel like I had to do that?

00:43:19.983 --> 00:43:25.143
I mean, I I look back at some of that and it's like I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

00:43:25.503 --> 00:43:29.838
You're running from your demons part of your people pleasing yeah, I did.

00:43:29.898 --> 00:43:30.581
You know it's crazy.

00:43:30.581 --> 00:43:44.168
I I feel like I probably was very people pleasing in that in that moment, because it was like I'm going to be the perfect, I'm going to be the perfect wife, I'm going to make sure that I have everything held together, I'm going to be the the mom who's got the cute kids and the blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:43:44.168 --> 00:43:57.574
And I don't think I ever paid attention to anything inside myself, ever when it came to all of that, because I had already known that you just push everything down and just as long as you keep doing that, that works until it doesn't right, until the wheels come off.

00:43:57.574 --> 00:43:57.875
Of that.

00:43:57.875 --> 00:43:59.827
When you're 39 years old, you know.

00:43:59.887 --> 00:44:16.286
That's when I got sober and realized like, oh, you're supposed to show your emotions, those pesky things that keep coming like that right exactly, but like when you would, when you would have emotional outbreaks when you were a teenager and dealing, or a child of any age, I'd close myself in a bathtub or closet situation.

00:44:16.306 --> 00:44:21.885
So you would hear me as well and you would still hear me and you would come down and say can you stop crying so loud?

00:44:21.885 --> 00:44:27.909
She's not wrong, and I would cry as hard as I could into a pillow, I mean, I would cry all the time.

00:44:28.090 --> 00:44:28.512
She's not wrong.

00:44:28.760 --> 00:44:34.161
I was crying for attention, essentially, and couldn't get a break Nobody wanted to hear me crying.

00:44:34.161 --> 00:44:35.143
Nobody wanted to help me.

00:44:35.143 --> 00:44:37.264
It's very sad, doesn't that feel terrible?

00:44:38.027 --> 00:44:48.467
I'm just thinking of all the things that I did not to you, but to my kids it's just and and then indirectly to you, because half the time you were there too.

00:44:48.467 --> 00:44:54.847
So it's like anything that I did to chelsea I did to you, sorry I saw some nasty shit, for sure.

00:44:54.907 --> 00:45:01.469
But yeah, you know, I had my own parents to deal with so ultimately I was just glad that you weren't hitting me, you know.

00:45:01.469 --> 00:45:07.610
So yeah, there was a lot of abuse on all sides, from all sorts of parents, from all sorts of things.

00:45:07.610 --> 00:45:13.144
I mean I've people are disgusting no, because I know it.

00:45:13.244 --> 00:45:16.327
yeah, I mean, I relive it in my head.

00:45:16.668 --> 00:45:22.936
Yeah, you know, and for a very long time, I've always looked up to you.

00:45:28.300 --> 00:45:40.086
And especially as a mom, not in all, I know, I was like red flag, red flag, but this is the thing, because the way I interacted with you when I was at home taking care of them yes, you weren't there, but to me I was like she's getting shit done, she's making a life for them.

00:45:40.889 --> 00:45:43.963
So, seeing how you would interact, I knew that you weren't perfect.

00:45:43.963 --> 00:46:08.929
I knew that there were things that you could work on, but there were things that I know specifically that I've taken away from how you parent and looking back, it's like maybe I shouldn't have picked up that one, like nothing major, but I remember you used to tell the kids, like if they would ask you something, and not in a mean way, you would more in a way of like, yeah, whatever, but you would say I don't care, whatever, I don't care, I don't care.

00:46:08.929 --> 00:46:15.905
And I say that to my kids all the time and I've noticed that it comes across as if I truly don't give a fuck.

00:46:15.905 --> 00:46:20.010
Yeah, when I really just mean like, yeah, totally fine, yeah, that's just a small one.

00:46:20.030 --> 00:46:31.385
But there's other things that have come up where I'm like, hmm, Maybe Ann isn't the right person to be taking parenting tips from no one should be taking parenting tips from me.00:46:31.585 --> 00:46:32.427


I think I learned a lot though.00:46:32.427 --> 00:46:32.909


Yeah, doing that.00:46:32.989 --> 00:46:33.771


Lessons for sure.00:46:33.811 --> 00:46:34.512


It's a classroom.00:46:38.059 --> 00:46:39.141


It because lessons, for sure, it's a classroom.00:46:39.141 --> 00:46:40.123


It's a classroom, it really was.00:46:40.123 --> 00:46:42.827


Yeah, and I'm gonna disagree with you, okay, because I obviously she can tell you stories.00:46:42.827 --> 00:46:50.606


Yeah, I was the female version of chris yeah, did you realize that?00:46:51.550 --> 00:46:58.289


oh yeah, no, I, I saw it, yeah yeah, what chris would do to me, not to like the same extent, but but her and Chelsea, I mean it yeah.00:46:58.719 --> 00:47:00.000


And I don't think I realized that.00:47:01.423 --> 00:47:08.880


No, like Chris would beat me and she would beat Chelsea, and not that it was beatings all the time, Sometimes it was you know just yelling or yeah.00:47:08.920 --> 00:47:17.039


But I remember one of the worst times was in Lauren's room when she was a little kid room.00:47:17.039 --> 00:47:24.969


When she was a little kid, you guys were all out partying and whatever, and Chris like choked me and like held me up against the wall and after I'd thrown a rock at Emily because we were playing a game and I was scared, in the dark backyard patio it was a whole thing.00:47:24.969 --> 00:47:25.831


It was so stupid.00:47:25.831 --> 00:47:28.003


But yeah, I was like scared for my life.00:47:28.003 --> 00:47:36.992


I was like you know it's, it's scary to think like that's your dad, that's supposed to be a fun weekend like Like we're just barbecuing, there's kids playing a game.00:47:39.139 --> 00:47:57.405


And then, oh shit, I'm going to pass out and half of the things I don't even remember, like there was a lot of situation happening, a lot of just interaction, because there were so many kids and neighborhood kids and all the kids and I was all about me.00:47:57.405 --> 00:48:07.869


So you know, if I wasn't having fun and somebody interrupted me, then you know I get mad because I can't, and yeah.00:48:07.869 --> 00:48:18.954


So there are things that Lauren would tell me and I go I'm sure that's true, but I don't remember right, yeah, and you guys you wouldn't just like yeah.00:48:18.974 --> 00:48:24.521


When I called Chris and tried to bring up you know all this stuff that happened to me as a kid and he's like that didn't happen.00:48:24.521 --> 00:48:25.304


I didn't do that.00:48:25.304 --> 00:48:27.548


That was your idea, like you would.00:48:27.568 --> 00:48:29.701


That was not a game, yeah, like.00:48:29.740 --> 00:48:37.271


I was not asking to be hit out of your mind to think that, yeah, no, kids don't deserve that.00:48:37.612 --> 00:48:42.706


I'm curious when you moved to California to live with him, how did that?00:48:42.706 --> 00:48:44.831


How did you feel when you found out that was happening?00:48:44.831 --> 00:48:45.961


I was terrified.00:48:45.981 --> 00:48:50.431


It's like please don't make me do this, like I didn't have a choice.00:48:50.431 --> 00:48:53.103


Ultimately, I, I begged.00:48:53.103 --> 00:48:55.911


I like I'll change my ways, I'll do whatever I have to do.00:48:55.911 --> 00:49:00.952


I mean, no, it was just because my grades weren't good, like ultimately, like I don't even know.00:49:00.952 --> 00:49:24.414


Like, I think like because I went my freshman year of my first semester of the freshman or sophomore year, yeah, but yes, so so I think you were just coming back when I first started coming back to take care of everybody.00:49:24.414 --> 00:49:24.876


Yeah, and.00:49:24.916 --> 00:49:26.282


Wiley was about five years old.00:49:26.835 --> 00:49:31.679


Yeah, it was yeah, like I had my friends all back home, like I didn't want to leave for that.00:49:31.679 --> 00:49:35.322


But then it was also like I knew being with him just wasn't going to be.00:49:35.322 --> 00:49:46.288


You know like safe it just being alone with him is not fun, being around him like he's just aggressive and yeah, I just I didn't want to go.00:49:46.809 --> 00:49:50.802


I didn't want to go at all and I didn't have a choice, so that was terrible.00:49:50.802 --> 00:49:56.378


I'm like it wasn't all bad, but again, like as soon as he starts drinking, it's all bars are off.00:49:56.378 --> 00:50:00.929


I remember just being yelled at, being slapped, hiding in my room.00:50:00.929 --> 00:50:06.923


You know just, I don't have many good memories, none.00:50:06.923 --> 00:50:09.208


Um, I met some cool friends.00:50:09.208 --> 00:50:12.742


It's cool, but, um, I didn't want to go, not at all.00:50:12.742 --> 00:50:17.001


What was the question?00:50:17.001 --> 00:50:19.403


It hurts my heart too.00:50:19.443 --> 00:50:23.530


I'm having a hard time figuring out how to process all that, yeah.00:50:23.914 --> 00:50:24.818


You know.00:50:25.920 --> 00:50:37.844


I know that the more that we talk about this, the more healing that comes from this, because I hope that you can believe that I was doing the best that I could with what I had, I do, I know I do.00:50:38.976 --> 00:50:47.106


But hearing the other perspective from you as an adult, you know, and what that felt like and what that was like feels terrible.00:50:47.106 --> 00:50:54.175


You know, as it should, as it should, you know, when you're talking about him choking you up against the wall.00:50:54.175 --> 00:51:08.422


I'm sitting over here and I'm just like I'm having to pull back from old patterns because I want to just numb it and push it down and I'm like, nope, we're just going to feel what that feels like, because the fuck, what do you do?00:51:08.422 --> 00:51:09.625


You know?00:51:09.684 --> 00:51:11.509


like I was a very small little girl.00:51:11.809 --> 00:51:15.001


Yeah, yeah, that didn't have a protector, and that was my dad.00:51:15.001 --> 00:51:21.126


He was supposed to take care of me, he was supposed to love me and um sometimes that doesn't look like it should.00:51:21.126 --> 00:51:25.865


How do you heal your heart in that situation?00:51:25.865 --> 00:51:27.599


How do you provide forgiveness?00:51:27.621 --> 00:51:31.641


Cameron, yeah, I don't have to forgive.00:51:31.775 --> 00:51:32.880


Let's talk about that.00:51:33.916 --> 00:51:37.541


So, here's an interesting perspective and that's awesome.00:51:37.541 --> 00:51:48.382


So I told someone the other day I think it was on Chrissy's podcast, but I told her I had a realization the other day.00:51:48.382 --> 00:52:10.146


I've been doing all he was talking about how much he loves you girls and how important you are to him and how he has always felt it's even better than him being your biological dad because you guys chose him.00:52:10.146 --> 00:52:36.070


And I'm going to get emotional saying this, but I said I didn't realize how much you loved the girls and I didn't allow you much you loved the girls and I didn't allow you to have a full seat at the parenting table because I was trying to protect you girls and I did that incorrectly, because Cameron has been the rock for our family and you girls do that he really has.00:52:36.070 --> 00:52:37.260


I don't know how to cry with makeup on, just so you know.00:52:37.228 --> 00:52:37.824


I'm really sorry.00:52:37.824 --> 00:52:38.206


You're doing great.00:52:38.206 --> 00:52:38.510


This is very naked for has.00:52:38.510 --> 00:52:39.315


I don't know how to cry with makeup on.00:52:39.315 --> 00:52:39.585


Just so you know.00:52:39.585 --> 00:52:40.007


I'm really sorry You're doing great.00:52:40.027 --> 00:52:41.349


This is very naked for me.00:52:41.349 --> 00:52:45.172


Hey I know Like I would really love some clothes.00:52:45.172 --> 00:52:46.432


Let's do it.00:52:46.432 --> 00:52:48.501


Would you girls hand her a tissue please?00:52:48.501 --> 00:52:49.625


You don't want this one.00:52:49.625 --> 00:53:03.038


Trust me, you don't want the one that's here I sure can, but Cameron has been the rock rock, you know, and for everyone, and and he and he said yeah, he says.00:53:03.038 --> 00:53:04.567


I don't feel like I ever was able to explain to you in a way where you understood.00:53:04.567 --> 00:53:05.760


I don't see the girls any differently than I see wiley.00:53:05.980 --> 00:53:20.003


Those are my girls, you know, and uh yeah, no, when I talk to anybody, when I'm ever in a conversation, when I say my dad, I mean cameron, and I say my biological father for chris, because it is like right, cam Cameron is my dad.00:53:20.003 --> 00:53:34.427


I want to be able to say it to his face, but I think there is still part of me that has the association of dad as being a bad thing, because for a long time I thought what was happening to me was what a dad was supposed to be.00:53:35.315 --> 00:53:36.581


But Cameron is Cameron Cameron is.00:53:36.581 --> 00:53:39.242


Cameron, there should be another word for that.00:53:39.242 --> 00:53:42.063


It's so funny because, when Emily was younger.00:53:42.135 --> 00:53:48.545


She drew a picture of our family dynamic for school, and it was I have a mom, a dad and a Cameron.00:53:48.545 --> 00:53:51.284


And it was almost like she was one-upping other kids at school.00:53:51.476 --> 00:54:03.548


I have a mom, a dad and a Cameron and I just thought, god, how lucky those girls are you know to really be able to have that because he has always adored you guys and I just feel like an asshole that I didn't really realize that initially.00:54:03.548 --> 00:54:06.780


You know, I always I did, I, I don't know.00:54:06.780 --> 00:54:11.235


I think I got twisted up in all sorts of stuff you're pretty busy, well, I think it's.00:54:11.576 --> 00:54:15.224


It's you protecting them and you know they're your babies.00:54:15.224 --> 00:54:17.536


I know you're doing what you think is right.00:54:17.577 --> 00:54:27.686


it's crazy because I look back at some of some of my limiting beliefs from before about how things are supposed to be or what you're supposed to do, and I've just blown most of that shit right out of the water and thought how did that ever be?00:54:27.686 --> 00:54:29.458


How was that ever what I believed?00:54:29.458 --> 00:54:32.065


You know, because it's just, it's outrageous.00:54:32.065 --> 00:54:38.626


And so to be able to be open minded enough to really realize that has been awesome.00:54:38.626 --> 00:55:00.903


And I hope that you know, as you're able to heal some of that, that you're able to put that into whatever box you want that to be, because I know that Cameron absolutely adores that you know when you're, when you have those conversations with him or when you guys you know we were talking the other night about you guys reaching out and having a better relationship just more contact and more whatever.00:55:00.923 --> 00:55:02.686


And he's like I'm all in for all of that.00:55:02.686 --> 00:55:03.929


You know, which is exciting.00:55:03.929 --> 00:55:06.902


You know he says I would always want them to to come to me.00:55:06.902 --> 00:55:10.958


I'm always here and, like all of the things, it's just as you grow up and you move on.00:55:10.958 --> 00:55:14.923


I don't want to lose how close we can be and just continue to grow on that.00:55:14.923 --> 00:55:24.780


So I hope that, as you're healing from your wounds from your biological dad and from you know I'm not shy about I've brought trauma to you as well, in whatever, form and fashion.00:55:24.780 --> 00:55:28.485


Shit.00:55:28.505 --> 00:55:31.701


God she's just she's not shy about it, she's not shy about it.00:55:32.556 --> 00:55:36.005


No, you know, you were always better, you win.00:55:36.005 --> 00:55:39.541


You were always the lesser of the two evils I didn't necessarily get to pick.00:55:42.498 --> 00:55:45.215


The court decided, but I would have gone with you.00:55:45.655 --> 00:55:46.557


God, it is rough sometimes.00:55:46.577 --> 00:55:49.065


with this one, you could keep custody, I guess, Lucky you.00:55:49.065 --> 00:55:55.574


I know what is one thing that you look back and think God, I really wish you would have done that better.00:55:55.574 --> 00:55:57.940


Whatever, it is like the biggest thing that jumps out.00:56:01.206 --> 00:56:13.179


Stopped at one, it's savage sorry no, it's a bad joke, not a bad, that's a good joke.00:56:13.179 --> 00:56:27.494


Um, yeah, you know, just, I don't think there's anything you really could have done or changed, or ultimately, your the stories you've told me about your family and your life situations.00:56:27.494 --> 00:56:29.501


Yeah, I would have gotten the fuck out of there too.00:56:29.501 --> 00:56:36.981


And like, I'm sure chris was attractive at one point and you know he had a motorcycle or some shit, like whatever.00:56:36.981 --> 00:56:39.807


Sure you know somebody can throw a check on you.00:56:39.827 --> 00:56:44.626


Yeah, clearly, she hasn't listened to your podcast, I know, or else she would know.00:56:45.824 --> 00:56:53.461


I do want all of our nudies at home to realize that my family doesn't actually listen to the podcast, so I don't know why if they're scared or like what's happening.00:56:53.461 --> 00:56:57.463


But that is not where I get my support from as it relates to getting naked.00:56:58.485 --> 00:56:59.726


You don't have to change anything.00:56:59.726 --> 00:57:00.869


Nothing has to be different.00:57:00.869 --> 00:57:07.461


I think I have so much character because of all the abuse and truly I wouldn't change a thing.00:57:09.556 --> 00:57:15.461


We all think you are because of what you've come from and it makes you who you are today.00:57:15.481 --> 00:57:16.545


You beat the fun into me.00:57:18.601 --> 00:57:26.454


I didn't beat you so much, no, you didn't beat me, I know I mean I wanted to, yeah, oh, I'm just kidding that you would have those eyes though.00:57:26.474 --> 00:57:36.282


Yeah, you never had the chancla, but you had, like the auntie had the chunk yeah, the big chancla energy for sure oh my god, that's you, belinda, for sure.00:57:36.322 --> 00:57:39.608


Yeah I can't even say chancla, what is even?00:57:39.648 --> 00:57:40.568


that what's a chancla?00:57:40.568 --> 00:57:41.878


It's a sandal right.00:57:42.880 --> 00:57:46.581


Don't listen to her your mom uses me, I don't know how to say it.00:57:46.581 --> 00:57:47.063


I see memes online.00:57:47.063 --> 00:57:47.625


I don't know.00:57:48.135 --> 00:57:52.485


No, your auntie used to use that all the time, so yeah, it's a shoe yeah.00:57:52.485 --> 00:58:00.454


Flip-flop, flip.00:58:00.454 --> 00:58:02.173


Well, this has been, I would say, fun, but I do not feel like this has been fun at all.00:58:02.115 --> 00:58:03.293


This has been something not as painful as my childhood.00:58:03.293 --> 00:58:13.648


This is a comedy podcast, right, I know she's doing great, right, great uh well, thank you.00:58:13.989 --> 00:58:18.862


thank you for coming and being vulnerable and sharing your side of your childhood.00:58:18.862 --> 00:58:24.378


We will continue to work on healing, that you know.00:58:24.378 --> 00:58:26.164


I'm going to use that as my may I suggest.00:58:26.164 --> 00:58:39.126


So, since you don't listen to the podcast, I will tell you that in each one of the episodes I do a may I suggest and my may I suggest for this week is being vulnerable enough to have these kind of conversations, even if you have adult children.00:58:39.126 --> 00:58:46.186


Right, because I don't think you realize how much healing can come from being vulnerable enough to have these conversations.00:58:46.186 --> 00:58:48.900


And, yes, it doesn't feel good, it hurts.00:58:48.960 --> 00:58:50.202


It does hurt, it hurts on both sides.00:58:50.242 --> 00:58:56.847


You cry, you scream, right, absolutely I mean it does, but I think the healing that it brings to really realize that I only want you to win.00:58:56.847 --> 00:59:05.199


I only want you to win, I only want the best for you.00:59:05.199 --> 00:59:06.603


You know, and I know that I didn't do a lot of stuff right.00:59:06.603 --> 00:59:08.027


I know that and I'm willing to take accountability for that.00:59:08.027 --> 00:59:13.965


But I also don't want you to carry around through your entire life anger and resentment towards me for not being everything that you deserved and that you needed me to be, you know.00:59:13.965 --> 00:59:25.349


So I think I hope that it helps you, that I am willing to take accountability for that, and I hope that that you know offers you some sort of healing for you so that you can not drag that shit around through your life.00:59:25.349 --> 00:59:27.190


You know, because that's what we do.00:59:27.190 --> 00:59:30.123


You know you have the trauma that happens and then you drag it around.00:59:30.123 --> 00:59:38.626


So I appreciate you fixing your shit, especially as it relates to me, because you know I get to be the direct benefactor of an improved relationship with you.00:59:39.068 --> 00:59:39.527


Likewise.00:59:39.527 --> 00:59:41.050


I mean, it takes two to tango.00:59:41.554 --> 00:59:42.077


It takes two to tango.00:59:42.097 --> 00:59:46.173


I would not be as mentally sound as I am without you also being as mentally sound as you are.00:59:46.173 --> 00:59:55.585


Yeah, I mean, I think since you've gotten sober, I mean things in our family have just been improving so much and I think you were the center of the family before.00:59:55.585 --> 00:59:56.920


You kind of always will be.01:00:00.914 --> 01:00:04.182


We defer to you, you and we are so much better because you are yeah, I'm the eye of the storm, so when I'm out of, control.01:00:04.242 --> 01:00:06.655


It's exactly you have to take the reins back.01:00:06.717 --> 01:00:12.088


Yeah we need you, I love it um, okay, well, that's our time for today.01:00:12.088 --> 01:00:14.858


Uh, if you have questions or suggestions, send us an email.01:00:14.858 --> 01:00:18.724


Our email address is ladies at letsgetnakedpodcastcom.01:00:18.724 --> 01:00:26.494


Please do all the things to support us by following, sharing, rating, reviewing or whatever we do for podcasts.01:00:26.655 --> 01:00:28.322


Tie our logo onto a carrier pigeon.01:00:28.322 --> 01:00:32.173


Whatever you need to do, if you've got a squirrel in your neighborhood, you can just do it.01:00:32.615 --> 01:00:34.402


We'll catch everybody next time.01:00:34.402 --> 01:00:35.204


That's a wrap.01:00:35.204 --> 01:00:44.451


I'd love to help you get vulnerable.01:00:44.451 --> 01:00:45.579


Let's get naked.