Empowerment and Spiritual Awakening on a Solo Journey

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast.

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Today I am getting naked with my friend, belinda.

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Today we are going to talk about my ayahuasca experience that I went on in April of 2023.

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It's hard to believe that that was only 18 months ago because I feel like about 10 years has happened since then, but I'm going to tell everyone, all the listeners, and kind of talk through with Belinda what that entailed and why I felt like that was important to do that.

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So yeah, so welcome Belinda.

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Thanks for being here.

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Thank you, I'm so honored to be here, yeah thanks.

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So, um, I was actually kind of going back yesterday and this morning looking at some of my journals and some of my notes.

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That gave you know the experience as I was living it.

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I'm really excited to be in a place where I've started journaling.

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You know I started doing that a couple years ago but I feel like that has really gained momentum as I've gone.

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But as I was kind of preparing for the ayahuasca journey and what I was going to be getting myself into when I decided to do ayahuasca, do you know about ayahuasca?

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Like, tell me what you know about ayahuasca other than what I've told you.

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I don't, and I was going to ask you to please tell me, yeah, and I think that that's a really good idea.

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I took some notes this morning, just in a little bit of research, so that people that are listening that maybe don't know what ayahuasca is would understand what it is.

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So here's what I found.

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It says let's see, ayahuasca is a tropical vine that's native to the Amazon region.

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Its active chemical is DMT, so it's a psychedelic, a hallucinogenic, and that what you do is you drink a tea that they basically make from the bark of this ayahuasca, and I think there's some other stuff that's mixed in.

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But, yeah, so they call that the vine of the soul, which I found to be very interesting, because I feel like I didn't have that nugget of information prior to going down there, but that tracks based on my experience, let's see.

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It says it's been used for centuries in religious rituals and for therapeutic purposes.

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The group that I went to, or the facility that I went to, was down in Costa Rica.

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It's a very small group of people when I was doing my research for it.

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There's a lot of different places that you can do ayahuasca.

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Ayahuasca is not legal in the states, and so you have to go other places to do that.

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Um, but there were a lot of different options and some of them were like you can come and do ayahuasca with 50 of your closest friends, and to me that felt not, that felt scary.

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Can you imagine going and doing that with like just the energy right, the energy of like 50 people dealing with all of that?

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Can't imagine you have 50 people that are understand where you are.

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Right, exactly.

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Like it.

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Just that felt super crazy, right, and I don't even know what that looks like.

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You're sleeping in bunk beds and I've worked too hard in my life to do that, but you know, whatever.

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So I don't even remember whatever.

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So so I don't even remember.

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I remember being at the house on 77th and I don't remember what sparked it for me.

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I think I was listening to a couple of other podcasts where people had done ayahuasca.

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So I know like Ron White did ayahuasca and he has a podcast on Joe Rogan where he was talking about his experience and it.

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It was blowing my mind because, for anybody that knows Ron White, he is a raging alcoholic, you know, and looks like he's a lot of fun, you know, obviously a comedian and all of the things, but he was talking about, after his experience, how he had quit drinking, you know.

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So for a man that's in his mid-60s to go from raging alcoholic to not drinking at all and, coming from this place of like, it's just about love, man, it's all about love you know and all of this shit, and I'm just like, all right, I'm in, you know, because that sounds lovely, and a lot of people that you talk to talk about that really being the death of your ego, which, for me, I was at a place where that seemed very appealing which, for me, I was at a place where that seemed very appealing.

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You know, I think everybody has an ego, but I think most people's egos are out of check and probably to a very unhealthy level.

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You know where, again, I spent a lot of time thinking that the world revolved around me and all of those things.

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So, even though I had been on my journey and got sober and all of the things, I just constantly want to be the best version of myself.

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You know, so, uh, so, deciding to do that a couple years ago and it was interesting I had started doing uh moxie stuff up at the ranch and for the listeners, moxie to me is, uh is a project that I do.

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That's not really anything other than just I want to be supportive to other women as they're doing life.

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You know, life is hard and I think, um, being able to really foster, uh, empowerment for women, not in any specific, not necessarily business stuff or not necessarily person like just all the way around.

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You know what is, what are your challenges?

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Where are you at in life?

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Um, you know, and and fostering women that can be supportive to other people, not just me being able to be supportive, but really bringing women together.

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You know, and you were at the Moxie thing and kind of understood what that was about holding space for other women.

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So in doing that and then also just like, what am I going to do, you know, I was up, I was up on the ranch and just wasn't kind of certain where I was going.

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I knew that I was in a holding pattern and that I was supposed to be learning patience.

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And you know I my voice even cracks when I say it, cause it's just such a hard topic for me.

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It's interesting because I've known you for so long that I I'm just realizing and thinking back to all those many years where you have actually naturally just been able to hold space for other people, where you learned was holding space for yourself.

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Yeah, yes.

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And so now it's all coming.

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God, that was powerful for you to say that, because I think you're absolutely right.

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I think I was.

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I, this podcast for me is really helping me kind of open up a lot of doors and look at a lot of things.

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You know, you're talking to people maybe that you haven't talked to in a while, or you're talking, telling stories or bringing stuff out, and it's just bringing a lot of things about and I think you're absolutely right.

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I think I have been good about holding space for other people but not for myself.

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And so in that period of time, with whatever work it was that I was doing up at the ranch and just being isolated from things and really taking time for myself, and on that journey, you know, realizing that, okay, I want to figure out how to do that, and maybe I didn't understand that concept, but that's exactly what I've done in this process, you know.

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So, when I was doing the intake, uh, interview with the ayahuasca guy, um, because they want to make certain that you're a good fit, that you know, at the place that I chose to go to, it wasn't just pay your money and go, it was we're going to interview you to make certain that you, you know you're coming for the right reasons and not just like oh, I saw everyone white did it, you know, but like also Aaron Rogers did it.

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I mean, chelsea Handler talks about her experience and and just really how lovely that is to connect you to the earth, to get rid of your ego, to really kind of like center you, and it just sounded very much like what I was in for.

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You know what?

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what did you feel that was one of any of the components that said, I think I'm ready for this, you know?

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um, you, you know me, but for listeners that don't know me, I'm kind of an all in and not just a little all in, like I hit things with a hammer.

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And so as soon as I got that on my mind and it just really felt like I really want to do this, I didn't really have any one thing.

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It was just like I'm a you know flap it in the breeze, kind of let's go, you know, kind of gal.

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And so as soon as I was doing some research and I was reading on the one website for where I went specifically, I was very intrigued by what they had going on and there was something that I want to pull out and see if I can read to you.

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So, so, sorry, this is going to have to get cut so that I can tell you.

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So.

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On their website it says elevate your consciousness to unlock more of what's already inside you.

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Quiet mind and harmonious emotions.

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Proven to quiet the mind and enhance cognition, mood and consciousness.

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Overcome past trauma, negativity, judgment and lower level emotions like shame, guilt, fear, envy and pride.

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Deepen your inspiration and motivation.

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Improve your self-understanding for more inspiration, clarity and motivation to care for yourself, which right holding space for yourself.

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Absolutely Breakthrough and let go of any limiting beliefs and behavior.

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Peaceful, more loving relationships, greater empathy and love for others, find inner peace and overcome triggers Serve as an example to encourage family, friends and colleagues to do their inner work.

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When I read that this morning because I'm going back looking at you know my notes from stuff- Isn't that crazy Serve as an example to encourage family, friends and colleagues to do their inner work.

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So, yes, I just heard something yesterday, the other day, where this is what you're supposed to do you're supposed to write down where you want to go and, and, and hold it somewhere and read it over and over again.

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Yeah, whatever do all the things and and then that opens the path to exactly that which is crazy, because when I'm having this conversation, um with the, with the onboarding guy, he's asking me why am I pursuing this?

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And I told him I said I want to be the most clean, energetically that I possibly can because I'm supposed to support other women.

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That's literally what I told him.

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Right, because I'm looking back at this, I don't know the words that are coming out of my mouth when I'm speaking to that man, like I knew that from the Moxie thing, you know, and from other things.

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But I look at the last 18 months, which has felt like a rocket ship.

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You know of everything that we're doing, right, I've started a business that helps other small businesses and helping other people be amazing, starting a podcast where it is, you know, hopefully, you know, being able to promote women to be amazing to each other and also take care of ourselves and figure out all of the things.

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Everyone that is around me, my friends, my colleagues that's exactly what I'm doing, what that says, as far as you know, really helping everybody figure their shit out and elevate and like all of the things.

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Wow, right, so when I'm telling this guy I don't know, but I know that I'm like in my core, in my gut.

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I know that I'm supposed to be doing this.

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Um, and it was a scary thing.

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You know it's a I'm I'm going to go do international travel by myself, which has never been a thing for me, right?

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So to be able to like go do that and know that that's what you're supposed to be doing.

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I'm sober, so what does that look like?

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As far as it's a drug, obviously, you know, and so I didn't have any feelings bad about that, you know.

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But other people that know me in the being sober were concerned about that as well, like, are you sure you want to be doing this?

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And like whatever.

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And for me, I don't twist that stuff up with my alcohol, my alcoholism is a completely different animal, you know.

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But yeah, I mean, there's things that you go into that with concern.

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You know, cameron probably thought I was crazy.

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You know, I come home and I'm like okay, guess what I'm doing now?

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And I just, it probably doesn't surprise him anymore it doesn't, it doesn't, but it's like.

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You know, he's always very supportive of that.

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But really deciding to go on this mission and knowing that I don't know other than I want to be the best possible that I can for myself so that I can be the best for other women you know, and that translates to other men as well.

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But you know, specifically my focus has been has been on women and just the individual challenges that women deal with.

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So I find it interesting to think back to laying on the bed, having this conversation with that guy about why I'm going, and that was only 18, well, I guess maybe it was two years ago because I was talking to him a few months before I went.

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But that's crazy.

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Town and then going and the things that happened to me when I was there, I don't think you can get your head around it.

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You know, like I'm looking back at my journal and it's talking about like I don't think there's words you know, like you can describe things in words for what happens, but I just don't think there's words.

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You know, I just, and I prepared myself to go down there in a way where you have to do this whole dieta where you're, you know, 30 days out, you're not drinking caffeine, you're not eating pork or red meat, you're, you know all of the things so that you know you're going in, you're trying to limit technology and do all of these different things.

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So you're making a really big commitment to do this, both financially and just the preparation and the time that you're away to do all of these things, and so it was a pretty crazy thing.

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I have yet to find anybody in my personal life that has done it you know, that has done it, you know, and so, um, I would.

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I would love to talk to other people about what their experiences are, not just listening to a podcast, but being able to question like how did that go for you, or what did that look like, Because it was, it was pretty crazy.

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Oh, that sounds very, it sounds like a lot.

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Yeah, I mean, just like Tyler was explaining how all of his connections and what he's doing it's just spider webbing.

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Yeah, Just, I look at it from below and and look at it, just looks like veins.

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You know they're all connecting and for all the things even you saying international travel, there are women out there that won't even think of getting on a plane by themselves or or even think about planning any of that, much less going to another country, and I've been to this country so I understand it's difficult to find your way around, difficult to communicate with people, and driving is, is, is you have to pray that you're not going to wreck on one of those little bridges that are one lane, Um, and hit a little motorcyclist.

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Yes, I completely uh understand, uh, that aspect of it, but it's just so much bigger, Like it's, it's so huge, um, for all of it.

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Yeah, Brave and so super cool.

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Yeah, I mean I don't even know what else to say about it, but, like having done ayahuasca, like, how are you, how do you feel about it now?

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Unless you want to talk about the in-between?

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Yeah.

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So the experience of it and then the in-between yeah, the experience of it, and then, and where you are now, yeah, so it's.

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it's crazy to me because I feel like I've been on this journey and for those that are close around me who understand, you know kind of where that's gone with, you know, getting sober and starting to work on myself and really like starting to propel myself forward in that.

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But I feel like, as I've continued to go, it feels like a kind of like a snowball at the top of a hill that's gaining momentum and mass as it's going down.

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And so the ayahuasca process for me was, I feel, like nothing but teachers, you know, the whole entire process.

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So, starting with international travel as a, as a female by herself, right, which felt intimidating to me, and coming from this place of I'm not living in fear, I'm doing the things.

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I'm doing it smart, right, I'm not just like willy nilly, I'm not out in unknown places after dark and stuff like that, but you know, still feels intimidating to do that.

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So that was a teacher for me, you know, in that when I got down there, I stayed at a hotel on the beach the first night before going to the retreat center, and it was Easter weekend, and so it was crazy, it was absolutely crazy the amount of people that were down there, I had no idea, like I had no idea what I was walking into, but the hotel was crazy, so busy, loud, like all of these different things.

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The lock on the door for this room.

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It was like a glass door and the lock was like you could just put a butter knife in there and open it wide open.

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Oh, yours locked, Mine didn't even lock.

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I know it's just like what is happening and I'm like how am I supposed to feel safe in this room?

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You know, before I went, one of the gals that I know she says make sure to put a door or a chair blocking the door on the inside.

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And I just was laughing with the universe because the only chair in the room was like an office chair on wheels and I'm like all you have to do is get a butter knife and you're coming in and it's so busy and crazy and like the energy there and the energy didn't feel good at the hotel.

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You know like I'm very much a person that believes in energy and you know all of the stuff that goes into that, and so that was really bringing up a lot of stuff for me.

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I mean, I think that whole entire trip was just about trigger after trigger after trigger, you know, and dealing with it.

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But I was very in tune with I know why I'm here.

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I went down very clear, you know, being able to journal with all of that stuff.

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So I get to the retreat center and the first guy that was there that met me maybe late 20s but just had the coolest energy on the planet, he was so calm and so like you just felt at peace immediately with him, you know.

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And then other people that would come that were part of that same thing, you know, and they were all folks that were obviously into, you know, doing this and what that brought.

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But they just felt so connected with the earth and you know, everything is very like talking about mother earth and what she wants to show you and they call ayahuasca the mother.

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The cool kids apparently call ayahuasca Aya.

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You know, there was a gentleman that was on my trip.

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That was.

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He had apparently done this several times and so, yeah, he was kind of the leader and getting everybody up to speed on the lingo.

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But I felt like at that first dinner that I was at have you ever seen that movie Dinner for Schmucks?

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Long time ago it was so weird because it was like the weirdest group of people on the planet, right, everyone lovely.

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I don't mean that.

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I don't say weird as a bad thing.

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Weird is a lovely thing for me.

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But everyone was so unique and individual and there for different things, but a lot of it was trauma related.

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You know there was a gal that was there who had both of her sons had died at 20 and 22.

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Like that woman.

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You could feel the grief just dripping off of her you know, and she was there.

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She had brought a friend for support.

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You know there was another girl that was there who had an enormous amount of sexual trauma that she was working through.

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Right, there's, you know, somebody there that was working through, you know, just various things, whatever it was.

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A lot of, a lot of trauma was was a big part of what people were there to work through, which feels very heavy.

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You know, because as soon as I walk in and as soon as you start meeting the other guests, you're just sharing everything, because these are not people that you know you're going to see again.

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They're not people that they're all there for the same thing.

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Right, they're all in and obviously have gone to a lot of trouble to be there as well.

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So you're literally just talking with people about the grossest, nastiest things that are in your past.

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You know, and I felt like very liberated in that, in that conversation of being able to do stuff.

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You know I was coming off of our Moxie event, you know, a few months before I went where I led with vulnerability and that was a big step for me at that first dinner and then also throughout that entire weekend, and so really knowing that like that's where it's at for me is I'm going to lead with vulnerability.

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So when we sat down at the dinner table the first night and it was like, okay, ann, let's start with you, I was like okay, here we go, and I just kind of like vomited some shit all over the table, but it set the stage for so much it was a domino effect.

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It is right, it literally was, and that's why I tell people like, again, I always thought vulnerability was a weakness.

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You know, growing up it was like we don't and that's your superpower.

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Yeah, it's my superpower.

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Now it is.

00:20:46.808 --> 00:20:57.623
I've done a whole, I'm going to build a whole life based on leading with vulnerability, you know, because I think how valuable that is and how brave and how strong, and every time I see someone else lead with vulnerability I'm like, wow, that's.

00:20:57.623 --> 00:21:15.053
I mean, it's impressive, so so to have led with vulnerability in that and then have people that are sharing their stories as well, you know, and the stuff that I thought I was going down there to work on didn't work on a single item of that, you know, it had a totally different message for me of stuff that I was supposed to work on.

00:21:15.133 --> 00:21:28.429
You know, one of the guys I had talked about childhood sexual trauma in that first dinner opening and after the dinner which, by the way, is bird food, because they don't actually feed you down there.

00:21:28.429 --> 00:21:31.025
They want you to be like they don't give you coffee.

00:21:31.025 --> 00:21:31.848
They don't give you.

00:21:31.848 --> 00:21:34.039
You know, it's like, oh, everything is plant-based.

00:21:34.039 --> 00:21:35.545
I'm like I'm going to need a burger.

00:21:35.545 --> 00:21:36.930
They don't give you that.

00:21:36.990 --> 00:21:56.460
So anyway so after the bird seed dinner, we're sitting around talking and one of the guys that I'm sitting across from is telling me how powerful my story about sexual trauma is, because it's I'm talking about, you know, brothers of friends and stuff that happened when I was younger, and all of these different things that just kept happening.

00:21:56.460 --> 00:21:57.843
It was just all of this stuff.

00:21:57.843 --> 00:22:15.231
It was one thing after another after another of just like, oh, my god, you know, as I've, and I and I didn't acknowledge that for a long time, for a lot of years, but as I'm digging into my past and remember, it's like this is really adding up to be pretty traumatic childhood, which is, you know, again, whatever.

00:22:15.231 --> 00:22:20.196
It's just part of my story, but I'm sitting across from this guy and I said something about.

00:22:20.458 --> 00:22:57.833
He said something about how powerful it was what I shared at the dinner and he was talking about him as a teenager being that boy that molested other girls and he knew that they didn't want him to do that because their bodies but he didn't stop and I'm sitting across from him, I'm getting full body chills right now Sitting across from him and my soul literally flinched because it was like this man is here to heal from that same shit, Right, Like it really opened my eyes to so much stuff, because this guy's not a monster.

00:22:57.833 --> 00:23:04.655
This tore him up from feeling like what a horrible person he was, but no one told him to stop, you know.

00:23:04.655 --> 00:23:24.626
And so it's like that whole thing of getting consent and you know, I think a lot of people can't get their heads around women not having a voice, but we literally have been raised to not have a voice you know, and so so him kind of going into that and me hearing another perspective of the other side of that, it blew my doors off.

00:23:24.666 --> 00:23:26.090
I haven't even done ayahuasca yet.

00:23:26.090 --> 00:23:36.759
I've just barely walked in the door and had a first meal, right, and we're talking about this kind of stuff and I'm like holy shit, right, like I just I knew it was going to be big, just based on that you know.

00:23:36.759 --> 00:23:49.770
And then you're talking with other people that also have different stories about the stuff that they've gone through, because everyone is raw, everyone is coming in willing to share all of the things you know and so being able to really freely speak about all of the stuff you know.

00:23:49.770 --> 00:24:00.633
And then the space was beautiful and the, the things that they're doing, right, you're doing meditations and Reiki and and you know really deep yoga kind of stuff to really prepare yourself for it.

00:24:00.633 --> 00:24:07.570
So then the next day, the, you're just kind of hanging and waiting and getting ready.

00:24:07.570 --> 00:24:16.446
You, we went down the, the, you meet the shaman and you know the people that are going to be there.

00:24:16.949 --> 00:24:24.116
I guess I didn't realize, but apparently all of the people that are there facilitators are also going to be doing ayahuasca, which did not make me feel safe.

00:24:24.116 --> 00:24:27.887
I'm like I was like this feels not on the books, you know they're like, don't worry, allison's going to be up top watching from a video.

00:24:27.887 --> 00:24:29.150
I'm like really feels not on the books.

00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:33.433
You know they're like, don't worry, allison's going to be up top watching from a video.

00:24:33.433 --> 00:24:34.976
I'm like really Does that make me feel better?

00:24:34.976 --> 00:24:36.676
Everyone down here is going to be tripping their balls off.

00:24:36.676 --> 00:24:37.258
You know what I mean.

00:24:37.258 --> 00:24:40.821
Like okay, and again in for a penny, in for a pound.

00:24:40.821 --> 00:24:48.713
It's like if you sign up for it, we're all in.

00:24:48.713 --> 00:24:49.315
So they're all.

00:24:49.315 --> 00:24:51.739
I don't know how to explain it.

00:24:51.739 --> 00:24:52.900
It just felt like a whole other world.

00:24:52.900 --> 00:25:00.516
But I told one of the other gals as we're walking into the ceremony space that I didn't want to be next to a guy because there's only nine of us.

00:25:01.886 --> 00:25:13.749
But the space that you're doing it is like a semicircle of basically like bed mats that are rolled out so that you have your own private space to lay or meditate or do whatever.

00:25:13.749 --> 00:25:20.415
I said I don't want to be next to a man because I knew that I was going to be dealing with sexual trauma and I didn't feel safe or I shouldn't say I knew.

00:25:20.415 --> 00:25:33.766
I thought I was going to be dealing with sexual trauma and um, and I wanted to feel safe, and so I you know the gal put me in between two women and and, uh, you know, they sage just before we get into the space and like all of the stuff.

00:25:33.766 --> 00:25:46.157
So they're explaining everything and the stuff that they're giving you to enhance the ayahuasca is like something called rape, where they're going to blow some shit up your nose.

00:25:46.157 --> 00:25:48.111
I thought it was smoke.

00:25:48.111 --> 00:25:55.132
No, they're going to blow finely ground tobacco and some other weird stuff up into your face, which I already had said I'm not doing.

00:25:55.132 --> 00:25:56.695
I already have sinus things.

00:25:56.695 --> 00:25:58.689
I'm like let's not poke the bear.

00:25:58.849 --> 00:25:59.130
You know what?

00:25:59.171 --> 00:26:04.069
I mean Like, if it can make you blind, let's just, let's hit, skip on that one.

00:26:04.069 --> 00:26:04.830
You know what I mean.

00:26:04.830 --> 00:26:13.545
So, but as I'm watching them go around, give this to other people, like they're crying or screaming or like whatever, and I'm thinking what have I gotten myself?

00:26:13.545 --> 00:26:14.849
Did it work instantly?

00:26:14.849 --> 00:26:15.573
Like what was it?

00:26:15.573 --> 00:26:20.106
It was apparently painful yeah, and they're like don't worry, it'll just make you be able to see things more.

00:26:20.106 --> 00:26:22.088
I don't know, it doesn't matter.

00:26:22.209 --> 00:26:28.816
Oh, you didn't do it, I didn't do it, I didn't do that again, we're in Costa Rica.

00:26:28.836 --> 00:26:32.259
This is not individual dosed eyedrops, they're just randomly.

00:26:32.259 --> 00:26:34.862
You have no idea who these people are that are putting eyedrops in your eyes.

00:26:34.862 --> 00:26:37.906
Again, let me just stick with the ayahuasca, so anyway.

00:26:37.906 --> 00:26:40.391
So it's dark outside.

00:26:40.391 --> 00:26:41.594
There's people that are there.

00:26:41.594 --> 00:26:43.016
They're going to be playing music.

00:26:43.016 --> 00:26:46.666
You know, there's this beautiful woman in a white gown who just feels like an angel.

00:26:46.666 --> 00:26:52.875
I don't even know what her name was, she't even speak, I mean, but she, literally, her presence just felt calming.

00:26:53.474 --> 00:27:00.009
you know, I mean, it's just one of those right um, so, and and the, the bedrolls are set up so that you have a roll of toilet paper.

00:27:00.009 --> 00:27:07.209
At the front you have a purge bucket, uh, and a roll of toilet paper, okay, and a purge bucket.

00:27:07.450 --> 00:27:14.286
And yeah, I mean I just and again I'm sitting here going what the hell did I get myself into?

00:27:14.286 --> 00:27:15.929
Like, what am I getting ready to do?

00:27:15.929 --> 00:27:20.417
Uh, it's just, it felt so crazy, so crazy.

00:27:20.417 --> 00:27:22.268
You know, that sounded real.

00:27:22.268 --> 00:27:27.326
I mean it just it's like I'm doing this, I guess I'm doing this, like what are you gonna do?

00:27:27.326 --> 00:27:44.674
Walk away, so, um, so they prepare the stuff and he goes around and you go up to the front where there's this kind of altar, very, very formal, very like wackadoo, like they do not disappoint, you know, and the shaman is barefoot and comes directly out of the jungle.

00:27:44.674 --> 00:27:45.749
I mean it's a whole thing.

00:27:45.749 --> 00:27:49.970
I mean it's just I don't know what else to say.

00:27:50.465 --> 00:27:51.971
You know we had this whole fire ceremony.

00:27:51.971 --> 00:28:01.444
He was explaining, like my son who was born in the jungle, and like all of this shit, which again triggered a whole other thing, because my sister died giving birth in a you know like not in the hospital.

00:28:01.744 --> 00:28:06.068
So, again, like, this whole experience is a teacher for me about all of the different things you know.

00:28:06.068 --> 00:28:16.257
But so we drink the ayahuasca and he says, okay, we're going to meditate for about 45 minutes before it starts to kick in and my mind will not stop racing it's.

00:28:16.257 --> 00:28:20.701
I can't wait to see what this is going to be and I don't know what I'm getting into.

00:28:20.701 --> 00:28:36.877
And, like this whole experience and so I didn't really like, 45 minutes comes, I lay down, I start seeing and again I'm going to describe it in words, but it doesn't do it justice.

00:28:36.877 --> 00:28:41.957
Like I'm saying the words and even as I'm saying them I'm like this doesn't scratch the surface of how crazy this felt.

00:28:42.586 --> 00:29:07.526
But I'm laying there and my eyes are closed and I feel like you know how you see like old pictures from like black and white and they're 1900s or whatever 1800s, and you see these pictures and it literally felt like just one of those TV reels where it's just going by so fast and it's all different black and white images of people from, maybe ancestors or something, I don't even know.

00:29:07.526 --> 00:29:15.077
But it was happening so fast that I couldn't really get on anything and I opened my eyes because I'm thinking am I going to see this?

00:29:15.077 --> 00:29:19.335
I don't know what to expect right.

00:29:19.375 --> 00:29:20.037
So it's like am I going to?

00:29:20.057 --> 00:29:22.125
see this If my eyes are open or if my eyes are closed.

00:29:22.125 --> 00:29:23.709
I wasn't sure, you know.

00:29:23.709 --> 00:29:28.317
So I, so I opened my eyes and and it went away, and so I'm like, okay, so I got to have my eyes, eyes closed.

00:29:28.317 --> 00:29:31.118
So I closed my eyes and I don't think that's true for everybody.

00:29:31.118 --> 00:29:33.160
That was just like my initial experience.

00:29:33.220 --> 00:29:41.990
Yeah, stuff, and I closed my eyes and I'm like trying to invite it to come back and it's not coming back and I'm like, shit, today's break, I don't know what I did wrong.

00:29:41.990 --> 00:29:52.967
So, um, so then we get whatever time into it and the shaman offers a second cup of the ayahuasca and I'm like I'm in, yeah, because I, you're like, because I turned it off somehow.

00:29:52.967 --> 00:29:57.746
I know I turned it off, I need another glass, and so I think I was one of the only ones.

00:29:57.746 --> 00:30:06.631
I think maybe there was just only one other person that um got the second cup, and so I'm like what's wrong with me, like you know, whatever.

00:30:06.631 --> 00:30:26.988
So I get the second cup and I go back and I lay down and, um, and after it kicks in, after a while, I start having what is like the only way I can describe the wheel of fortune that's happening and it's like this wheel that's going right, just like whoever the guy was with the wheel of fortune, another wheel of fortune.

00:30:26.988 --> 00:30:28.830
The price is right, oh yeah, you know.

00:30:28.891 --> 00:30:30.714
You know what I mean Exactly Right.

00:30:30.894 --> 00:30:45.569
Yeah, and it stops on a picture of my first husband's face and I was like I didn't know that that was something I needed to deal with and in hindsight, looking back, it makes perfect sense.

00:30:45.569 --> 00:30:52.656
Yeah, and for doesn't know me, I met my first husband when I was 15.

00:30:52.656 --> 00:30:57.622
I was never a big fan of my first husband.

00:30:57.622 --> 00:31:00.230
I actually was dating his best friend.

00:31:00.230 --> 00:31:09.748
He and his best friend and I broke up and we all were just running in the same circles and it just was like a natural fit of like oh you're single, I'm single at the same time kind of thing.

00:31:09.748 --> 00:31:18.830
He was a way for me to move out of my parents' house, which I did when I was, you know, 16 years old, because he had his own place.

00:31:18.830 --> 00:31:37.056
He was a couple years older than I was and looking back over those years both when I was a teenager and living with him and getting married and having kids and like all of that they were not good years, like they were not good times, you know.

00:31:37.056 --> 00:31:44.432
And I feel like I have done with a lot of other stuff in my life where I just blocked that stuff and moved on.

00:31:44.432 --> 00:31:45.174
You know what I mean.

00:31:45.174 --> 00:31:47.773
It's like okay, I don't have time to process things.

00:31:47.773 --> 00:31:53.656
You just go, you know You're in like survival mode and just go, go, go, go go.

00:31:53.656 --> 00:32:06.488
So the fact that that was what that landed on and it was clear as day to me, I mean, literally I haven't seen the man in decades, right, I haven't seen the man in in maybe not decades, but long time, like you know, 10 years maybe.

00:32:06.488 --> 00:32:10.753
So his face being there, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

00:32:10.753 --> 00:32:15.060
That that's I needed to unpack those years, right, just that time.

00:32:15.060 --> 00:32:18.454
And you know, from I was married to him until I was 24.

00:32:18.454 --> 00:32:31.996
So, from for a girl from 15 to 24 to be in a relationship where he was very controlling, he was emotionally and mentally abusive, you know, it was not, it was not great, you know.

00:32:32.036 --> 00:32:54.385
And during that time, having two kids where I'm trying to just keep people alive, you know, and all of the things that went into that, I mean I had a crazy experience in that and I never processed any of it, never unpacked anything, never really realized the impact of what that did for me, which was crazy, you know.

00:32:54.385 --> 00:33:10.326
So so I'm, I'm thinking back to a time where there was some sexual trauma that happened with him and it brought up all of these other things, right, and again I feel like I at that during the ayahuasca thing.

00:33:10.326 --> 00:33:27.801
I'm myself from the the corner of the ceiling of sexual trauma as it's happening, right, and I'm a person who has not had a great memory, and so I've had all of this stuff where it's been blocked, right, and so it's just it's coming, it's coming up right, and it's like reliving it.

00:33:27.801 --> 00:33:59.136
It's like you're watching, you know, from a movie, right, and so I'm like the one scene that's coming up is like me laying naked on the bed so drunk I was blackout drunk and you know obviously awful things happening, and I'm watching this from the ceiling of the bedroom, you know, and it's sparking all of these other things that are coming up right, all of these other traumas that I just had put down right, and I just can't even explain how crazy all of that felt.

00:33:59.297 --> 00:34:08.293
You know, as I was just watching that, I felt like I cried a few times, you know, just for a few minutes at a time is what it felt like.

00:34:10.286 --> 00:34:19.447
And then there was this angel that I was telling you about, this woman in white who was just very soft-spoken and very at peace when I would feel like overwhelmed about stuff.

00:34:19.447 --> 00:34:25.447
I would look up and she would be over me, like just really holding space for me in such a beautiful way.

00:34:25.447 --> 00:34:34.682
I felt like at one point later into the process that someone had a hold of what felt.

00:34:34.682 --> 00:34:39.561
I'm describing this in words, but it's I don't know how to it's just words because it's not.

00:34:39.561 --> 00:34:41.668
It doesn't do justice to what that experience was.

00:34:41.668 --> 00:34:57.811
But I literally felt like someone was holding onto like an octopus head at the top of my head and pulling out the tentacles from inside of my body, you know, and I literally felt like I could feel that pulling from my toes and my fingers and just in my guts.

00:34:57.811 --> 00:35:03.050
I literally felt like and I don't know how long that went on, but it felt painful, I got chills.

00:35:03.172 --> 00:35:04.235
I know, I could feel it.

00:35:04.235 --> 00:35:07.494
It's literally it just it felt like that.

00:35:07.494 --> 00:35:27.454
And then by the time it almost was like that slimy gross and it sucked it out and I just like went limp and I opened my eyes and I looked and that shaman was there with his sage and a feather at the top of my head, just pulling and I just I could not get my head around what was happening.

00:35:27.514 --> 00:36:04.697
Wow, you know, and that beautiful angel was there and she was singing quietly and I was just like I could not get my head around what that was, but it literally felt like just that experience, and I knew that I was ready then to tackle what had happened between 15 and 24 and really unpack that and use that for the power that it is, you know, and but I had just blocked that all down and didn't know that that even needed to be cleaned out in order for me to be able to be helpful to other women and to be able to do the work that I really, you know, I feel like I'm called to do, you know.

00:36:04.697 --> 00:36:08.990
So it felt very powerful, me and, you know, to me, in that moment.

00:36:08.990 --> 00:36:15.806
So, um, we finished the experience, uh, which lasts like six hours, by the way.

00:36:15.806 --> 00:36:17.472
I mean, of course, they offer a third cup.

00:36:17.472 --> 00:36:27.027
Sure, let's take a third cup, I mean it just it was a whole thing for me, um, and while I'm doing that, I'm not noticing anyone else around me doing very much, you know.

00:36:27.027 --> 00:36:29.494
So I'm like, okay, maybe everyone's.

00:36:29.494 --> 00:36:31.367
Just, I don't, I don't know what to expect, right?

00:36:31.367 --> 00:36:44.844
So so get through all of that had some revelations about stuff with my daughters, which was very important Because I, again, I've been very vocal about not being what they deserved and what they needed.

00:36:44.844 --> 00:36:49.856
You know, I was a baby when I had babies and just did the best that I could with what I had.

00:36:49.856 --> 00:36:53.634
Looking back at all of that like wow.

00:36:53.634 --> 00:37:01.139
So there was a lot of other stuff that came out, but kind of the biggest thing for me was just that, that chunk of time and really being able to heal that.

00:37:01.480 --> 00:37:09.081
So that octopus thing comes out, the the time is over, we can go back to our rooms.

00:37:09.081 --> 00:37:09.362
Now.

00:37:09.362 --> 00:37:13.268
Everyone else is staying and like talking about their experience and I just want to get the hell out of there.

00:37:13.268 --> 00:37:13.811
You know what I mean.

00:37:13.811 --> 00:37:19.485
I just want to go back to my room and be by myself, because I literally just feel like I got my ass kicked in a in a kung fu fight.

00:37:19.485 --> 00:37:26.106
I mean I just I am drained, I am, I just I can't even get my head around it and I'm still what I'll say as high as a kite.

00:37:26.106 --> 00:37:27.827
But I asked like can I leave?

00:37:27.827 --> 00:37:41.876
And they're like sure, well, the place that they're doing this is literally 10 to 15 flights of stairs down from where my room is on this lovely path outside.

00:37:41.876 --> 00:37:48.289
So now I'm trying to climb stairs to get back to my room, where there's people watching you but no one's watching me.

00:37:48.289 --> 00:37:55.239
I literally laid down on the ground four or five times on the way to my room, cause I thought I was either going to shit my pants or throw up.

00:37:55.340 --> 00:37:56.746
And I literally didn't know which one.

00:37:56.746 --> 00:38:13.362
I was afraid it was going to both happen and I'm just like, for the love of God, please just make it to your room, right, get to my room, had the most explosive diarrhea of my life, right, which feels again when you're, when you're into doing this kind of big work, when you're throwing up or when you're shitting yourself.

00:38:13.362 --> 00:38:18.092
It's actually a good thing, right, because it usually is like you're getting stuff out right.

00:38:18.813 --> 00:38:21.867
Yeah, exactly, you're detoxing and so excellent.

00:38:21.867 --> 00:38:24.815
So I slept, got up the next morning, went to breakfast.

00:38:24.815 --> 00:38:38.585
Everyone's sharing their experiences and everyone's like, yeah, so I, you know, I only took one cup and this is kind of what I saw and this was nice and it's all like butterflies and roses, and I'm thinking what the hell you know?

00:38:38.585 --> 00:38:40.431
And so I'm explaining to them.

00:38:40.431 --> 00:38:42.936
You know, the octopus and kind of the stuff that I saw.

00:38:42.936 --> 00:38:45.889
And the one guy that's leading the thing is like oh my God, that's incredible.

00:38:45.889 --> 00:38:48.391
And he's, and I'm thinking, okay, good, I'm doing good work, you know, whatever.

00:38:48.391 --> 00:38:56.007
And I was saying like, yeah, I cried a couple of times and the one gal that was next to me looked at me and she goes, you were sobbing for hours, oh wow.

00:38:56.007 --> 00:39:03.548
And I just thought I mean it just hit me like a ton of bricks, right, but you're healing all of that stuff as you're doing that, you know.

00:39:03.548 --> 00:39:09.197
And so, um, the the experience that I went on was supposed to be a three-day situation.

00:39:09.197 --> 00:39:12.380
After the first day I was like I felt so drained.

00:39:12.380 --> 00:39:15.592
I mean I, just I, literally You're like I got it all out Exactly.

00:39:15.592 --> 00:39:16.775
I mean I just it was crazy.

00:39:16.896 --> 00:39:22.838
So the next day I'm going, I'm doing Reiki, I'm going to the yoga, which is, again, lovely.

00:39:22.838 --> 00:39:28.753
All of the people that are there to do this have this energy that they are connected with the mother.

00:39:28.753 --> 00:39:30.697
I mean it just I don't even know what else to say.

00:39:30.697 --> 00:39:32.800
The energy there was incredible.

00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:44.376
So we get to where we're supposed to do the second day and I'm having to like, talk myself into doing this again because it's bringing back all of these things for me, right?

00:39:44.376 --> 00:39:45.590
It's triggering everything.

00:39:45.590 --> 00:39:53.425
All the bells in me are going off for all the things, and so I really didn't want to do the second day, but I'm going to do the second day, but I, I'm going to do it.

00:39:53.425 --> 00:39:57.867
I'm figuring out how to get my life together so that I can, you know, get down there to do this space.

00:39:58.447 --> 00:40:03.106
And I had written a letter to my first husband and burned it in the fire when we went down.

00:40:03.106 --> 00:40:16.927
They said you know, that was really good to do, and it was actually really helpful for me to be able to do that, because in being able to like know that that was a thing and that was a horrible whatever, and, yes, I can unpack any of that when I get home, but I just want to leave that whole thing there.

00:40:16.927 --> 00:40:22.186
I want to leave that, the trauma of that, there, you know, and not let that have power over me anymore.

00:40:22.186 --> 00:40:42.447
Because, even though I didn't realize that it did, I can see that now that it absolutely, you know, had had a big hold on stuff, you know, had a big impact on things, and so, um, so we get down to the second night and I decide I am not doing the eye drops, I'm going to have one cup, you know, because everyone else only had one cup and they seemed to have a nice time.

00:40:42.447 --> 00:40:44.432
I mean, they still were getting stuff and whatever.

00:40:44.432 --> 00:40:51.172
But, um, well, the second night is when everyone else decided to let her rip, you know, and so they're all doing two and three cups.

00:40:51.172 --> 00:40:55.318
Everyone around me is puking their guts out, screaming, crying.

00:40:55.318 --> 00:41:06.451
I'm just like it was uncomfortable to be part of, because I'm trying to have like a okay, I'm going to have a chill, you know experience, and I yes, I can't, I, I, I feel like in the first night I got what I came for.

00:41:06.451 --> 00:41:10.775
You know what I mean, I felt like I was blocked with something I was able to figure out, whatever that was.

00:41:10.775 --> 00:41:15.242
The second night was really for me like a lot more compassion.

00:41:15.242 --> 00:41:21.793
You know, it felt like a lot of just holding space for other people around me as they were going through their stuff and it was hard.

00:41:21.793 --> 00:41:24.373
You know that lady that lost two of her kids.

00:41:24.373 --> 00:41:25.315
She only had two sons.

00:41:25.315 --> 00:41:27.112
She lost one at 20, one at 22.

00:41:27.112 --> 00:41:33.871
Like, get your head around how much grief that woman had, you know.

00:41:33.871 --> 00:41:34.735
But she's throwing up and I mean it.

00:41:34.735 --> 00:41:35.438
Just it was crazy, powerful stuff.

00:41:35.458 --> 00:41:46.061
The next night we go to a dinner where they start talking about just crazy stuff, like what's going to be next on your journey, and I'm thinking what do you mean next?

00:41:46.061 --> 00:41:54.242
This is a pretty big deal, like I feel, like I'm good, you know, but they're talking about all of these other psychedelics and other stuff that you can do and whatever.

00:41:54.242 --> 00:42:15.487
I'm at the point where I've had enough, you know, and it started to feel a little culty, you know, and I was like you know, they're talking about experiences where you go into the rainforest and you do a sweat lodge and then you go into the rainforest for four days and you don't have food or water and you're laying in a space that's the size of a coffin.

00:42:15.487 --> 00:42:24.032
Hmm, feels not like something I'm interested in doing and I'm a pretty good sport about getting all in on stuff you know.

00:42:24.032 --> 00:42:30.751
And so the dinner felt like did you ever see the movie the Devil's Advocate?

00:42:30.751 --> 00:42:32.054
And it had Al Pacino.

00:42:33.400 --> 00:42:41.965
The guy felt like Al Pacino and I was like check please so we finished dinner and I had decided after that dinner I'm going to go home Like I've had enough.

00:42:41.965 --> 00:42:53.414
The third experience was supposed to be an all-nighter, where we go and we just don't sleep all night and we end up on the beach and it's a whole thing and I'm just like I don't have it in me, like I literally don't have it in me.

00:42:53.414 --> 00:42:54.556
You turn into a mermaid.

00:42:54.556 --> 00:42:59.692
I know the mermaid thing could potentially have been a thing.

00:42:59.692 --> 00:43:02.512
I mean, who knows at that point what you're getting yourself into.

00:43:02.512 --> 00:43:07.416
So so I woke up the next morning and I and I went and told the gal I'm like I'm, I'm good.

00:43:07.416 --> 00:43:08.536
And she's like what do you mean?

00:43:08.536 --> 00:43:09.757
I'm like no, no, I'm done.

00:43:09.757 --> 00:43:13.157
If you can make an arrangement for my car, I've changed my flight, I'm gonna go home.

00:43:13.157 --> 00:43:15.842
She's like no, people don't leave.

00:43:15.842 --> 00:43:19.806
And I'm like I, I get it, but I'm she's like we've never had anyone leave.

00:43:19.806 --> 00:43:23.451
I'm like I respect that, but I am good, like this is enough for me.

00:43:23.510 --> 00:43:24.592
And not that I wouldn't do it again.

00:43:24.692 --> 00:43:36.130
I just doing it three nights in a row was just like this is yeah this is a lot, you know I, I just I felt like it was too much, um, and I needed to honor me in that situation, you know.

00:43:36.130 --> 00:43:43.092
So I was able to get a flight and get home and and then I proceeded to kind of numb for a couple of weeks as I went.

00:43:43.092 --> 00:43:48.382
What the hell did I just do?

00:43:48.382 --> 00:43:50.068
So, um, yeah, so that was my ayahuasca, you're being good to yourself.

00:43:50.188 --> 00:43:53.344
I was being good to myself, you know, and I think that that's a big part of this journey.

00:43:53.405 --> 00:44:07.333
But as I've gone back and looked at the ayahuasca thing specifically to kind of like prepare for coming and talking about this today, it's blowing my mind that that was only 18 months ago, because I still lived up north.

00:44:10.081 --> 00:44:21.869
Yes, I knew I was going to do something with women, but now I find myself in all of these places, like you said, writing down your intentions for things and then just allowing that to happen, even though you don't know specifically where you're going to go.

00:44:21.869 --> 00:44:27.581
I knew I wanted to be helping other women, right where you're going to go.

00:44:27.581 --> 00:44:28.545
I knew I wanted to be helping other women right.

00:44:28.545 --> 00:44:38.112
I feel like I am able to lead with vulnerability in a way that helps facilitate that for other women as well, so that they don't feel alone, helps them feel like they can also share their stories, you know.

00:44:38.112 --> 00:44:52.869
And so to find myself and knowing that this podcast isn't, it's going to go wherever it's supposed to go, and if you just release things to the universe and say I'm willing to do, use me for my highest good, I'm willing to do whatever I'm supposed to be doing.

00:44:52.869 --> 00:44:56.721
God, that's crazy, scary, but like super fun too.

00:44:57.862 --> 00:45:00.385
So I listening to you.

00:45:00.385 --> 00:45:10.869
I don't know that this is really a thing I might just be trying to connect, but you, the first night you said that the door wouldn't lock.

00:45:10.869 --> 00:45:18.628
You've always had a thing about safety, yeah, and there was an experience that you also had that.

00:45:18.628 --> 00:45:26.887
I correlate that with when you had ran out of the room, nearly slipped on a carpet.

00:45:26.887 --> 00:45:30.239
You know, police were all in your backyard yada, yada, yada.

00:45:30.239 --> 00:45:41.516
You actually have not ever, really, even from your teens, from your childhood, have ever felt safe, it's true.

00:45:42.519 --> 00:45:54.925
And so now, unlocking that and understanding that you are safe, you feel safe, and now you're wanting everyone else to feel safe, so you're sharing that.

00:45:55.481 --> 00:46:12.224
It's crazy to me because you don't realize some of that stuff until you're really willing to look at the dark and gross stuff you know, because not feeling safe is huge and I didn't realize how big that was, but I haven't.

00:46:12.224 --> 00:46:15.512
I can't remember a time in my entire life where I felt safe.

00:46:16.601 --> 00:46:17.605
I heard it Right.

00:46:17.905 --> 00:46:49.945
You just explained it all Right, you know, and so even to be at this point as a 47 year old woman who I work on, that now you know, after kind of having my eyes open to that, but really addressing things of safety, you know and and knowing whatever it was that messed me up, that hurt me when I was a kid, that you know, made me so that I didn't feel safe, so that you know, all of the things like that's coming out like a fire hose right now for me of well, obviously you didn't feel safe.

00:46:49.945 --> 00:46:59.947
You know, because I'm looking at all of these memories and stuff that are coming up, because I'm allowing them to come up, you know, it's really crazy to me.

00:47:00.990 --> 00:47:03.706
You know, it's no wonder you're giving that away now.

00:47:03.706 --> 00:47:04.748
Yeah, safety.

00:47:04.949 --> 00:47:05.250
Yeah.

00:47:05.871 --> 00:47:06.612
Because you didn't.

00:47:06.813 --> 00:47:08.458
Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.

00:47:08.458 --> 00:47:26.902
It is crazy, I think I look at this journey that I've been on in trying to get myself clean to a place where I would really want to be able to help other women, because I don't want to bring bad energy into any of that, bad energy into any of that.

00:47:26.922 --> 00:47:35.168
I really want to be able to hold space and keep my cup full and, like, do all of the things so that I'm giving for my overflow and that the energy that I'm able to provide is clean and doesn't bring any gross stuff into it.

00:47:35.168 --> 00:47:45.025
But as you're doing that, it, the work that you have to do to get to that point, is like it's your life's work actually.

00:47:45.065 --> 00:47:45.909
It's my life's work, you know.

00:47:45.929 --> 00:47:47.233
But it's your life's work, actually, it's my life's work, you know.

00:47:47.255 --> 00:48:04.221
But it's like, you know, understanding the thing about the safety, or understanding the thing about, you know, I had a thing about claustrophobia and I started getting really curious with myself about where that stems from, and that absolutely stems from a lack of safety, you know, and I and I really was able to kind of break that down to that point.

00:48:04.221 --> 00:48:12.159
I was in an MRI a couple weeks ago and I'm on this mission of like, if it bumps into my stuff, I want to know, I want to get really curious.

00:48:12.159 --> 00:48:17.768
So it's like I'm a grown woman who, you know, is having a hard time getting into an MRI machine.

00:48:17.768 --> 00:48:21.867
Not that I won't do it, I'll force myself to do it, because that's just who I am.

00:48:21.867 --> 00:48:28.233
I'll just I'll, you know, be a bull and push things through, which is obviously not the right thing either, but that's just who I've been traditionally.

00:48:28.233 --> 00:48:33.820
So to be at this place of like, let's get curious about where this comes from, so that I can fix it, cause I just want to fix stuff.

00:48:33.960 --> 00:48:34.782
I'm going to fix everything.

00:48:34.782 --> 00:48:38.206
I want to fix everything that doesn't serve me or that doesn't suit me.

00:48:38.206 --> 00:48:39.027
I want to fix it.

00:48:39.027 --> 00:48:46.376
So I'm laying in that, in that MRI, and it was like one of those full body scans, and so I'm asking her, like how long is this going to be?

00:48:46.376 --> 00:48:47.536
And she says 45 minutes.

00:48:47.536 --> 00:48:50.702
And I've been in an MRI machine for like 10 minutes before.

00:48:50.702 --> 00:48:51.302
You know, whatever.

00:48:51.302 --> 00:48:52.806
45 minutes is a long time.

00:48:53.407 --> 00:48:57.682
So I told myself, all right, all right, and let's get curious about where this comes from.

00:48:57.682 --> 00:49:03.391
You know, and I laid there and I just let my mind do its thing.

00:49:03.391 --> 00:49:09.065
You know when you'll allow your mind to just go in whatever places it needs to to figure stuff out.

00:49:09.065 --> 00:49:12.092
It's crazy powerful, like crazy powerful.

00:49:12.092 --> 00:49:16.431
So I'm just letting my mind go to where would that come from?

00:49:16.431 --> 00:49:17.034
You know?

00:49:17.335 --> 00:49:19.561
And what does claustrophobia feel like to you?

00:49:19.561 --> 00:49:24.807
It feels dark, it feels unsafe, it feels, you know, all of the things.

00:49:24.807 --> 00:49:31.016
And I was able to really kind of tie it back to things where I felt like that really stemmed from.

00:49:31.016 --> 00:49:40.925
And I just laid in that MRI machine with my eyes open, because I'd never been able to open my eyes in there before, With my eyes open with tears running down my face, Because I knew I could fix it.

00:49:40.925 --> 00:49:48.666
I knew, as soon as I knew where it came from, that I could heal that part from myself and that I could fix it and that I could not have that be a thing anymore.

00:49:48.666 --> 00:49:49.389
You know what I mean.

00:49:49.409 --> 00:49:52.465
I'm really on this mission of I don't want to live in fear.

00:49:52.465 --> 00:49:54.992
Claustrophobia is just a fear of whatever.

00:49:54.992 --> 00:50:01.202
It is right, all of these things you know we talk about, all the things, all these shitty character defects that I'm working on, just fear.

00:50:01.202 --> 00:50:03.525
Fear is at the base of all of those things, you know.

00:50:03.525 --> 00:50:13.027
So when you say I will not live in fear, you have to be willing to go and dig up those things of you know, Whatever it is, Whatever it is that it came from, you know.

00:50:13.027 --> 00:50:19.534
So it's like, I think for me this ayahuasca thing really brought forward a bunch of stuff you know.

00:50:19.599 --> 00:50:28.242
So now I have this journal that I write in that's just specific to the stuff that brought up, or just specific to the years of my first husband.

00:50:28.242 --> 00:50:36.887
You know, because you know I have been able to offer forgiveness to him, not for him, for me, right, it has nothing to do with him right.

00:50:36.887 --> 00:50:39.923
He was just doing the best that he could with what he had.

00:50:39.923 --> 00:50:45.844
He's not some monster, but I always had him painted after the fact about some monster because of how horrible those years were for me.

00:50:45.844 --> 00:51:01.101
Again, if I don't speak up for myself and say like this isn't right, that shit's just going to continue to happen, right, but I didn't have a voice in that, that I needed, I needed that out so that I could not be living at my house and that I could, you know, like that wasn't out for me, I wouldn't change anything.

00:51:01.101 --> 00:51:09.952
I don't have any regrets, but being able to really offer forgiveness to him and show him grace and knowing that he was just doing the best that he could, you know what I mean.

00:51:10.335 --> 00:51:11.860
He had a terrible upbringing.

00:51:11.860 --> 00:51:18.563
You know his, his story with his parents and step parents and sister and all of the stuff terrible.

00:51:18.563 --> 00:51:20.969
You know what do I think that that does to a human being?

00:51:20.969 --> 00:51:23.561
For how they would then respond to stuff.

00:51:23.561 --> 00:51:25.465
He was just doing the best that he could, you know.

00:51:25.505 --> 00:51:34.367
But when you're really able to like take the monster out of the monster, if that makes any sense to you, Do you know what I mean?

00:51:34.367 --> 00:51:42.829
Same thing with, like you know a boy who would have molested me as a child To hear that guy at the ayahuasca talk about him being that monster.

00:51:42.829 --> 00:51:48.326
He wasn't a monster, he was just trying to heal himself from knowing that that wasn't right.

00:51:48.326 --> 00:51:50.900
And obviously there were other things that he was working on as well.

00:51:50.900 --> 00:52:09.347
But when you have those kind of really deep seated things that come from your childhood that you just put shame and darkness and stuff on top of and there's secrets and there's all of this gross stuff because we don't speak our truth, we don't say the things you know, we don't want people to judge us or we don't want you know whatever.

00:52:10.289 --> 00:52:13.061
No, like take the monster out of the monster.

00:52:13.061 --> 00:52:21.846
You know, being able to really do that for my first husband, I have nothing but good feelings towards him, for him and his life, Like I'm happy that I don't have to co-parent.

00:52:21.846 --> 00:52:28.273
That was a terrible situation you know for the years that we did, and I'm happy to not have to like be twisted up in that stuff emotionally anymore.

00:52:28.273 --> 00:52:30.922
But I don't have feelings like that anymore.

00:52:30.922 --> 00:52:35.262
I was really able to show him grace in that situation and say I wish you well.

00:52:35.262 --> 00:52:36.887
I really I wish you well.

00:52:36.887 --> 00:52:42.471
I hope that things have gotten better for you, that you're able to unpack your own stuff and that you're not haunted by your demons.

00:52:46.619 --> 00:52:53.327
You know, I think people don't realize, if you don't address these things, if you don't pull them out, if you don't, you know, deal with them and reconcile them right, you just drag them around.

00:52:53.327 --> 00:52:59.025
You know, I didn't realize for so long, for so many years, that I drug so much garbage around.

00:52:59.025 --> 00:53:12.806
And now it's like, every time I bump into a trigger or I bump into something that makes me uncomfortable, I run at it with a, with a enthusiasm that's almost embarrassing, Cause I'm like, oh my God, something else I can fix, you know, because I just had so much garbage.

00:53:12.806 --> 00:53:22.597
You know, I'm so happy that that you know, Cameron is still around to watch as I fix this shit you know, I mean it's lovely.

00:53:22.818 --> 00:53:23.440
It is lovely.

00:53:23.440 --> 00:53:25.449
You know, how can I believe for a second that he and I aren't meant for each other?

00:53:25.449 --> 00:53:25.786
You know, I mean, it's lovely.

00:53:25.786 --> 00:53:25.945
It is lovely.

00:53:25.945 --> 00:53:27.744
You know, how can I believe for a second that he and I aren't meant for each other?

00:53:27.744 --> 00:53:35.172
You know, because it's like he's just been that, that person for me that puts up with my crap as I figure it out.

00:53:35.172 --> 00:53:36.458
You know, it's not pretty.

00:53:36.798 --> 00:53:55.791
I wrote on the that breakfast morning that I was saying where I was telling the people like oh, I was crying a few times and the one lady's like you were sobbing for hours, you know, and they were telling me their experiences and I, of course, led with vulnerability and told mine and their mine was like a 10 and theirs was all like a two because again, they only had one cup and like all of the things, I kind of jump in.

00:53:55.791 --> 00:53:59.083
I'm a cannonballer, I will cannonball first before anybody else.

00:53:59.083 --> 00:54:12.304
Um, but I wrote down in my journal after that, like I'm pretty sure I'm a nine on a crazy one to 10 scale and I didn't realize that before.

00:54:12.346 --> 00:54:13.509
You know, I thought maybe I was a little bit more.

00:54:13.509 --> 00:54:14.490
I thought maybe I played it cool Girl.

00:54:14.490 --> 00:54:16.096
No, if we're bungee jumping, you're going first For sure, right?

00:54:16.135 --> 00:54:19.523
And so it's just like I'm a nine and I don't know what a 10 looks like.

00:54:19.523 --> 00:54:23.188
Maybe I'm at a 10 now, I don't know, because it's just gotten crazier and crazier.

00:54:23.188 --> 00:54:25.309
But speaking of which, what?

00:54:25.309 --> 00:54:27.652
On a scale of one to ten, do you feel like you're at a crazy?

00:54:27.793 --> 00:54:30.315
oh no, no ten, I'm like a three okay.

00:54:30.335 --> 00:54:31.643
So then that's what I'm worried about.

00:54:31.643 --> 00:54:41.432
This is that's the whole thing I'm worried about, because everyone around me is probably looking at, oh, the self-awareness that I'm recently getting about, about who I am.

00:54:41.432 --> 00:54:48.393
Cameron says to me a couple weeks ago he, I don't think you realize the level of your enthusiasm, and he said that.

00:54:48.393 --> 00:54:53.425
And then you send me the whole like jumping on the trampoline, crazy lady, and like this is what that looks like.

00:54:53.445 --> 00:54:54.568
Oh, I sent you another one too.

00:54:54.568 --> 00:54:55.692
Oh, my God.

00:54:55.800 --> 00:54:58.282
And I'm just like, oh my God, I am that person.

00:54:58.282 --> 00:54:59.523
But I think that that's.

00:54:59.523 --> 00:55:01.865
It's just a self-awareness thing, right?

00:55:01.865 --> 00:55:02.085
I don't.

00:55:02.085 --> 00:55:03.648
It doesn't make me want to change anything.

00:55:03.648 --> 00:55:04.748
I'm a three on my own.

00:55:04.909 --> 00:55:05.670
I'm an eight with you.

00:55:08.092 --> 00:55:09.233
I love that.

00:55:09.233 --> 00:55:10.494
That's the biggest compliment.

00:55:10.494 --> 00:55:15.507
Thank you, I love that for us, you know I love that for us.

00:55:15.507 --> 00:55:18.576
Yeah, it's fun, it is fun, you know it's.

00:55:18.576 --> 00:55:25.414
It's interesting because one of the things that Brene Brown says is like, um, trying to be cool is like a straight jacket.

00:55:25.414 --> 00:55:31.050
You know, for your spirit you're supposed to be awkward and brave and weird and you know all of the things you know.

00:55:31.050 --> 00:55:32.802
So I say those things as a compliment.

00:55:32.802 --> 00:55:36.090
When I say people are weird, I'm like I love it, like be your individual selves.

00:55:36.090 --> 00:55:50.907
But I think you know, I think that that's going to be my may I suggest, just based on your saying that with the three to the eight, is that's going to be my may I suggest for this week is is really being able to embrace that in yourself.

00:55:51.188 --> 00:55:59.903
You know, whatever your, whatever your crazy is, whatever you find your people, you know, find your people because the fact that you can be an eight with me is excellent.

00:55:59.903 --> 00:56:00.846
Doesn't that feel good to you?

00:56:00.846 --> 00:56:03.172
Oh, I have so much fun, right, exactly Like.

00:56:03.172 --> 00:56:31.697
I feel like that too, and I and I've said that before but I feel like our relationship has leveled up so much over the last year in the most amazing way you left after coming over last night and it just made my heart so happy for you to come over and have a fake beer and and laugh and giggle and you know, whatever it just in the class like laughing like school, school girls in the in the laundry room, you know, I mean it's just, yes, all of those things you know being able to just not get so twisted up in all the bullshit.

00:56:31.697 --> 00:56:42.326
You know, so figuring out how to, you know, find a way to be awkward and brave and weird and just enjoy that, find your people, that embrace that.

00:56:42.326 --> 00:56:44.047
That's my may I suggest for this week.

00:56:44.679 --> 00:56:47.809
So well, with that note, I feel like I've really shared.

00:56:47.809 --> 00:56:49.847
I'm going to have to find some clothes.

00:56:49.847 --> 00:56:52.168
I feel like I've shared a lot of stuff today.

00:56:52.168 --> 00:56:58.692
I feel very vulnerable but in doing so, hopefully that is leading for other people.

00:56:58.692 --> 00:57:03.552
I've never once been disappointed with leading with vulnerability, not once.

00:57:04.021 --> 00:57:32.135
I feel like it brings good things every single time and so, even though I'm sitting here completely uncomfortable with today's podcast, I hope that it brings something out for people and kind of helps them along their journey to get rid of some of their gunk and their muck that they may or may not realize that they're dragging around as well, because we can do those hard things, we can figure out and do those and know that we're not gifted any additional time.

00:57:32.135 --> 00:57:34.887
Like, you don't know if this is your last stuff or not.

00:57:34.887 --> 00:57:37.481
You know this could be my last day, you don't know.

00:57:37.481 --> 00:57:37.822
Live.

00:57:37.822 --> 00:57:39.445
Accordingly, do you know what I mean?

00:57:39.445 --> 00:57:42.322
Don't just assume that we're going to keep putting stuff off.

00:57:42.322 --> 00:57:44.967
Do the big things now, you know so.

00:57:44.967 --> 00:57:58.447
With that being said, if you have questions or suggestions, our email address is ladies at let's get naked podcastcom, and I don't think I have anything else.

00:57:58.447 --> 00:58:02.543
I think this was a fun, fun story time and hope you guys get something out of it.

00:58:02.543 --> 00:58:18.019
So that's a wrap, no-transcript.