Breaking Free from Alcohol's Social Norms

WEBVTT

00:00:07.171 --> 00:00:08.913
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

00:00:08.913 --> 00:00:09.994
Let's get naked.

00:00:09.994 --> 00:00:14.083
Hey everyone, I'm Anne.

00:00:14.083 --> 00:00:17.992
Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast, where we dive deep into vulnerability.

00:00:17.992 --> 00:00:25.173
In this space, we'll explore what triggers us, uncover the patterns holding us back and discover how to take charge of our own growth.

00:00:25.173 --> 00:00:30.170
If you're ready to dig in, be vulnerable and face the tough stuff, then buckle up.

00:00:30.170 --> 00:00:31.440
It's time to get naked.

00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:32.463
Today.

00:00:32.523 --> 00:00:49.046
I'm going to start by sharing a little bit of something that will lay the groundwork for our conversation, and I wanted to explain my Skittles analogy for anyone who hasn't heard it previously, because it fits in very well with the intention of how we use our energy.

00:00:49.046 --> 00:00:51.631
So I believe in energy, always have.

00:00:51.631 --> 00:00:56.305
A couple years ago, I started visualizing energy as Skittles.

00:00:56.305 --> 00:01:01.962
It helped me kind of quantify my energy and how I spend it.

00:01:01.962 --> 00:01:11.450
I believe that energy is used mentally, emotionally, physically, and I believe that those energy draws come from the same pot.

00:01:11.450 --> 00:01:18.972
So I started visualizing Skittles because I'm giving, when I have an obligation, to someone that takes energy.

00:01:18.972 --> 00:01:28.364
I'm giving Skittles to them If I have something that I've been noodling around in my brain, having a hard time processing it and you feel exhausted at the end of the day.

00:01:28.364 --> 00:01:40.069
Skittles If you have an emotionally rough day or you're crying and you ever felt like you got your ass kicked after you're done doing that, it's because that was a huge energy draw and that takes Skittles.

00:01:40.069 --> 00:01:50.724
So the awareness of being able to visualize that as energy has given me the opportunity to really be intentional with how I use my Skittles.

00:01:51.185 --> 00:02:17.122
He talks about low-hanging fruit in that traffic weather, getting pissed off about that kind of stuff is a giant waste and that you should start there as far as letting those things go and letting those things not bother you.

00:02:17.122 --> 00:02:28.681
In listening to that or reading that book, I thought, thinking about being in traffic getting pissed off, having road rage, you're mad that somebody cut you off.

00:02:28.681 --> 00:02:39.092
Well, I started visualizing that I might as well just throw Skittles out the window as I'm mad at somebody that had no idea that they even cut me off or any of that.

00:02:39.092 --> 00:03:01.507
So that intentional awareness of my Skittles for that, or if I'm processing something and I'm chewing on something that doesn't need me to be chewing on it all the time I've had a lot of junk that's happened in the last couple of years that have really taken a lot of energy mentally, realizing that the more that I put towards those things that just rattle around upstairs in your head.

00:03:02.542 --> 00:03:15.508
You're spending Skittles, you're spending energy, and, understanding that we all have a limited quantity of whatever our energy is, I visualize that as okay, that's, that's in a cup and and what do I have?

00:03:15.508 --> 00:03:26.042
So the topic that we're going to talk about today goes into kind of getting to the end of your day and not really having any, any energy left for the people that are most important.

00:03:26.042 --> 00:03:41.941
I say that all the time that we spend our energy and our focus on work and on obligations that we don't want to do or, you know, we have poor boundaries or no boundaries, and so we're very people pleaser and using our energy and our skittles towards things that shouldn't be there.

00:03:41.941 --> 00:03:46.331
Then, at the end of the day, your kiddo wants you to read a book or go throw the ball.

00:03:46.331 --> 00:03:49.629
You don't have the Skittles there, left the energy to do that.

00:03:49.629 --> 00:03:54.431
You're exhausted and all you can think about doing is just numbing out and unplugging from stuff.

00:03:54.431 --> 00:04:13.782
So when I use the Skittles analogy, for me it's extremely helpful and I've had feedback from other people who, as they've started implementing that into their every days, that that's been really helpful to them as well for just being able to again have an awareness and a visualization.

00:04:13.782 --> 00:04:19.172
If you're not aware that it's even happening, you're not going to change it because you don't even know that it's a thing that needs to be changed.

00:04:19.172 --> 00:04:40.747
But once you can really start visualizing that and understanding that, if you're getting pissed off at somebody in the grocery store or you're getting upset about you know somebody at work, or you're spending time with somebody, that really is negative energy for you, those things are all ways that you're spending your energy, and so being able to really be intentional about how you're doing that is a game changer.

00:04:40.747 --> 00:04:44.898
I think it's just the awareness and the intentionality of things is a game changer.

00:04:44.898 --> 00:04:45.348
So I reference that.

00:04:45.348 --> 00:04:45.733
Just the awareness and the intentionality of things is a game changer.

00:04:45.733 --> 00:05:02.045
So I referenced that because I want to lead into our conversation today where we're going to talk about alcohol, how that affects kiddos and families when parents are plugged into alcohol more than I think is probably healthy.

00:05:02.826 --> 00:05:09.144
I will say that this podcast, as I've always said, doesn't come from a place of judgment.

00:05:09.144 --> 00:05:30.315
The women that are sitting across from me on the couch have been in the trenches, as have I, with that situation, with our families and drinking, and I'm proud to have the conversation and to have them be willing to embrace vulnerability and tell some pretty difficult stories of how that has affected their lives.

00:05:30.315 --> 00:05:36.093
So with that, today we are stripping it off with Justine and Belinda.

00:05:36.093 --> 00:05:45.692
Justine is my sister-in-law and someone that I have known for decades, and Belinda, for those of you who may know, is my ride or die and has been around for longer than that.

00:05:45.692 --> 00:05:48.668
So welcome to the show, ladies, thank you.

00:05:48.668 --> 00:05:51.629
Yeah, I'm glad to have you guys here.

00:05:52.540 --> 00:05:55.750
So I'd like to start Justine with you.

00:05:55.750 --> 00:06:09.086
Justine had reached out after I started doing the podcast and had listened to a couple of episodes and had made the suggestion of really having this conversation and thought that it was really important to do that.

00:06:09.086 --> 00:06:31.708
So I appreciate you being vulnerable enough to come on and to talk about that and also the conversation suggestion because I think that's what this platform is for is for our community to say here's something that I think is really vulnerable and that the conversation would be important to share with other people so that listeners can have awareness or have you know someone to relate to that says yeah, I'm doing that too, and how do I?

00:06:31.708 --> 00:06:35.204
How do I get out of that hamster wheel or or whatever.

00:06:35.204 --> 00:06:48.389
So maybe you can start, justine, by sharing with us kind of your history with alcohol I think that's probably a really great place to start and then also kind of your family dynamic with your husband and kiddos, so that we can kind of set the stage for that as well.

00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:50.843
Sure, absolutely so.

00:06:50.843 --> 00:06:55.990
As you know, I grew up with an alcoholic father.

00:06:55.990 --> 00:07:01.345
My mom drank also, but she stopped at some point.

00:07:01.345 --> 00:07:07.684
I think I was probably around eight or nine when she realized that that wasn't for her anymore.

00:07:07.684 --> 00:07:15.545
But my dad continued to drink and, you know, do other things until I was a senior in high school.

00:07:15.545 --> 00:07:21.480
So my entire childhood was filled with some kind of rough stuff.

00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:26.273
So I'm the youngest of four kids, blended family.

00:07:26.273 --> 00:07:37.249
Anne is, of course, married to my brother, who's a year and a half older than me, so he was kind of with me along this journey.

00:07:37.288 --> 00:07:47.754
We experienced the same things, I think I'll start by telling a little story about a dream that I had when I was little.

00:07:47.754 --> 00:07:49.987
It was one of those recurring dreams.

00:07:49.987 --> 00:08:02.988
We lived in a two-story house and there was a loft that overlooked the back door, and often on the weekends my dad wouldn't come home.

00:08:02.988 --> 00:08:19.108
Work would be over at five and we might not see him till one, two in the morning, or Saturday or Sunday, or you know who knew when he was going to come home and we didn't know what he was going to be like when he came home.

00:08:19.108 --> 00:08:27.132
Right, Because he was, you know, he was off drinking and sometimes, you know, weekendlong drug binges or whatever it was.

00:08:27.639 --> 00:08:31.591
But when I was very little I would stay in my mom's room.

00:08:31.591 --> 00:08:33.147
I liked to sleep in my mom and dad's room.

00:08:33.147 --> 00:09:00.070
They had a little space on the floor for me and in my dream I would wake up from the floor in my mom and dad's room and I would walk over and I would look over the balcony out onto the back door and I would see a figure coming in through the back door and the figure would lift his head up, and sometimes it was my dad and sometimes it was a monster and I can't describe what that monster looked like.

00:09:00.070 --> 00:09:08.171
I mean, this is, you know, 40 years ago at this point, but the scene is vivid, like I have the dream every night.

00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:14.894
But that was telling of what it was like growing up with an alcoholic father.

00:09:14.894 --> 00:09:17.349
I never knew what I was going to get.

00:09:17.349 --> 00:09:21.988
I didn't know who was going to turn around and I didn't know how he was going to act.

00:09:21.988 --> 00:09:27.272
I didn't know if I should stay in my room or you know, I never knew.

00:09:27.272 --> 00:09:33.051
So, yeah, that was what it was like growing up.

00:09:33.051 --> 00:09:37.008
We went through some tough stuff with that.

00:09:37.008 --> 00:09:50.433
Like I said, my mom stopped drinking when I was around eight and I think I know why, and that kind of relates to what happened with me.

00:09:50.433 --> 00:09:58.211
So I've been married for 18 years, 19 years now, something like that.

00:09:58.572 --> 00:09:58.851
You do.

00:09:58.851 --> 00:10:01.360
I don't even know what age I am.

00:10:01.380 --> 00:10:02.344
People ask me how old are you?

00:10:02.344 --> 00:10:05.812
I'm like I don't know, somewhere up there in the upper 40s, maybe.

00:10:05.812 --> 00:10:18.014
My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and we used to drink a lot, we had a lot of fun, and then we started having kids and we were responsible for the most part.

00:10:18.014 --> 00:10:38.269
But then as they started getting older and sleeping all night and, you know, found good babysitters and stuff, we would, you know, go out a little bit more, drink a little bit more, have a glass of wine with dinner, maybe two, maybe dinner was the whole bottle of wine.

00:10:38.269 --> 00:10:52.820
And let's see lots of vacations that we went on, that it was fun to just, you know, start drinking in the morning, mimosas and wine all day.

00:10:52.820 --> 00:11:00.265
My kids laughed because I had a hat that I would put on when we would go on vacation and it was my vacation hat.

00:11:00.265 --> 00:11:07.321
And they knew that if mom had her vacation hat on, the answer was yes, it's always yes.

00:11:07.321 --> 00:11:08.022
Cream absolutely.

00:11:08.022 --> 00:11:10.626
Can I buy that bracelet from the beach vendor?

00:11:10.626 --> 00:11:11.489
Absolutely.

00:11:11.489 --> 00:11:12.932
We stay up late.

00:11:12.932 --> 00:11:13.673
Absolutely.

00:11:13.673 --> 00:11:31.096
Mom's got her yes hat on um and so after I don't know, I, I think my kids were 12, 11, 9, and 7.

00:11:32.041 --> 00:11:39.533
We were on vacation in San Diego and day started like any vacation would.

00:11:39.533 --> 00:12:03.169
I started off with a kombucha that had booze in it, switched to wine and then my husband and I went out to the bar down the street, left the kids in the Airbnb and went to the bar down the street, got plastered, came home and got in the hugest argument that we had ever been in, screaming and yelling never physical or anything like that.

00:12:03.169 --> 00:12:08.461
But the kids were like hiding under their beds.

00:12:08.461 --> 00:12:09.724
They were terrified.

00:12:09.724 --> 00:12:13.591
Um, eventually it simmered down and we went to bed.

00:12:13.591 --> 00:12:25.211
Um, the next morning we woke up oh god, where we hung over the worst, calling the people that we had plans with that day to cancel our plans because there was no way we were getting out of bed that day.

00:12:25.211 --> 00:12:29.909
We looked at each other and we said let's never do this again.

00:12:29.909 --> 00:12:34.466
And we said done, and that was it Never drank again.

00:12:34.466 --> 00:12:38.893
That's excellent, it's a choice.

00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:43.013
Yeah, it is a choice that's excellent, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is a choice that's excellent, yeah.

00:12:45.042 --> 00:12:45.202
Yeah.

00:12:45.202 --> 00:12:54.188
So when I said what I think my mom was feeling, it ended up being what I was feeling as well.

00:12:54.188 --> 00:12:59.849
I mean, there's way more that goes into that story than just waking up one day and saying I'm never drinking again.

00:12:59.849 --> 00:13:06.773
Sure Is, I felt like my kids didn't know who they were going to get.

00:13:06.773 --> 00:13:09.206
I had my vacation hat on.

00:13:09.206 --> 00:13:10.225
It was always yes.

00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:17.506
My daughter told me the other day when we were talking about she's 18 now and we were talking about me coming on the podcast, and she's like well, what are you going to talk about?

00:13:17.506 --> 00:13:20.549
And I told her, and she's like I didn't like the vacation hat.

00:13:20.549 --> 00:13:27.581
She said it was scary because we knew that you were going to be drinking and we didn't know what was going to happen.

00:13:27.581 --> 00:13:34.975
And so I thought, okay, well, my parents weren't the best parents.

00:13:34.975 --> 00:13:36.604
They did the best that they could.

00:13:36.604 --> 00:13:38.087
My mom did the best that they could.

00:13:38.087 --> 00:13:49.865
I'm not going to speak for my dad, but my mom did the best that she could, and what she recognized was that, in light of my father being unpredictable, she needed to be a rock.

00:13:49.865 --> 00:13:59.552
She needed to be the rock for us, who we could go to her and know exactly what we were going to get, no matter what it was.

00:13:59.552 --> 00:14:16.687
If we brought home a bad grade, we wrecked the car, we got in trouble at school, whatever it was, we would always get the same response from her because she was, she had her shit together, she was under control, and that's what I saw for my kids.

00:14:16.748 --> 00:14:18.711
I'm like this is it's ridiculous.

00:14:18.711 --> 00:14:20.562
Like they are they.

00:14:20.562 --> 00:14:21.825
Am I going to scream at them?

00:14:21.825 --> 00:14:23.629
Am I going to congratulate them?

00:14:23.629 --> 00:14:26.094
Who am I going to be for them when they come to me?

00:14:26.094 --> 00:14:29.188
And if they don't know who they're going to get, they're not going to come to me.

00:14:29.188 --> 00:14:32.830
So I see, this world is crazy.

00:14:32.830 --> 00:14:36.827
There's so much stuff that goes on and I want my kids to be able to talk to me.

00:14:36.827 --> 00:14:38.768
I want my kids to be able to trust in me.

00:14:46.779 --> 00:14:48.528
And, if I'm out of my mind, they're not going to be able to do that.

00:14:48.528 --> 00:14:53.910
Well, it's interesting too, because something that is unique with unique not unique interesting about our stories is that all of our kids are getting older, right?

00:14:53.910 --> 00:14:57.724
Belinda's all three of Belinda's kids are adults as of Friday.

00:14:57.724 --> 00:14:59.269
All three of my kids are adults.

00:14:59.269 --> 00:15:33.931
You know, your oldest is 18, and so, as we're getting to be where our kids have more of a voice and can also kind of give you some feedback, you know, on how their childhood was for them, my children are very vocal with me about what my drinking, how my drinking, affected them, and I look back at it and I think I wish I would have known, I wish I would have been more plugged into that, instead of very much being plugged into me and just trying to fill the holes of my cup in whatever way that I could.

00:15:33.931 --> 00:15:34.682
You know.

00:15:34.682 --> 00:15:43.768
So I use the cup analogy, right, because if you have a cup that's hemorrhaging from the bottom, you're not able to take care of anybody else.

00:15:43.768 --> 00:15:50.663
You're barely able to take care of you, which is where all of the you come home at the end of the day and you just want to numb out with booze.

00:15:50.702 --> 00:15:54.510
You know, for me, I was a daily drinker and that's what I did.

00:15:54.510 --> 00:16:00.527
You come home and have a couple of drinks and by a couple I don't mean just a few, and and that's what that looks like.

00:16:00.527 --> 00:16:01.028
And I don't.

00:16:01.028 --> 00:16:06.716
I was always the fun, happy drunk, which is just a descriptive word.

00:16:06.716 --> 00:16:15.668
It has nothing to do with anything other than that was just how I was, so it wasn't yelling or mean or any of that stuff, but I was not plugged in.

00:16:16.249 --> 00:16:32.687
I was not present for them in the way that they deserved me to be, and so being able to hear them say that after the fact it's humbling, it's eye-opening and it's something that I want to share with other people, because I think a lot of parents don't realize how much their drinking affects their kids.

00:16:32.687 --> 00:16:35.565
You know, if you talk to parents they say that, oh, I would do anything for my kids.

00:16:35.565 --> 00:16:53.246
Well, if you realized what your drinking does to your kiddos for setting them up for success in life and for who they're going to be, like you were saying, your dad was unpredictable and you weren't able to be certain how that was going to look, and sometimes he's a monster and sometimes he's the fun guy or you know same thing with you to your kids.

00:16:53.246 --> 00:16:55.047
Sometimes you just never know what you're going to get.

00:16:55.047 --> 00:16:58.434
That's not how you would want to be raised.

00:16:59.058 --> 00:17:24.065
Sure, and not just what the drinking or the unpredictability does to your kids, but how much our kids need us, even though they're 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 years old and they're starting to be able to do things on their own and they have their relationships that we're not always involved in, their friendships that they have with their friends.

00:17:24.065 --> 00:17:26.270
They need us.

00:17:30.200 --> 00:17:35.345
I mean, I'm a lady of a certain age and I still call my mom because I need her For sure, for sure.

00:17:35.545 --> 00:17:46.536
And I think that sometimes we get so focused on ourselves that we just don't realize that they, that they need us, like that.

00:17:46.536 --> 00:17:53.051
You know, you realize until god forbid it might be too late or you catch something just in in the nick of time.

00:17:53.051 --> 00:17:55.683
You know, we've both been through some stuff like that.

00:17:55.683 --> 00:17:57.729
It's, it's scary yeah, I.

00:17:58.089 --> 00:18:06.884
I look back and I think what a different mom I would have been had I not been drinking or if I had understood at that point the intentionality of how to use your Skittles.

00:18:06.884 --> 00:18:09.150
You know, because I use them now and it's okay.

00:18:09.150 --> 00:18:10.804
I'm not going to waste them on shit, that doesn't matter.

00:18:10.804 --> 00:18:21.624
I'm not going to be a people pleaser in a way that I'm doing things out of obligation, that basically just takes Skittles out of my kids's hands and gives them to somebody else, which is what you're doing.

00:18:21.663 --> 00:18:30.611
If you really visualize it that way, you know, if you're giving to things that aren't important because you don't want to say no, or you don't put boundaries in place, or you're doing this people-pleasing thing.

00:18:30.611 --> 00:18:40.105
Well, at the end of the day, if you don't have anything left over for your family, which is supposed to be your most important thing, which is what we say verbally they're my most important thing I would do anything for them.

00:18:40.105 --> 00:18:46.664
But would you Right and and and and again.

00:18:46.664 --> 00:18:47.769
No judging, because we all have been sitting there.

00:18:47.769 --> 00:18:48.050
So it's not.

00:18:48.050 --> 00:18:54.991
It's not what the place that I'm coming from at all, but if we know better, we can do better, and so my mission is literally let's open our eyes, let's wake up.

00:18:54.991 --> 00:18:58.224
Let's wake up to what the effects of all of this stuff have you know.

00:18:58.224 --> 00:19:03.114
In our society, we've gotten to the point where we have normalized alcohol to it.

00:19:03.354 --> 00:19:07.825
It an unhealthy, I mean it's outrageous, it's crazy, it's and I bought into it.

00:19:07.825 --> 00:19:18.403
Yeah, you know when, when my kids were little, everything was coming out with the little slogans it's wine, o'clock, or you know, mommy needs her wine.

00:19:18.403 --> 00:19:23.365
The socks that say on the bottom of them, if you can read this bring me more wine.

00:19:23.365 --> 00:19:24.992
And it, and it's just like, like glamorized in the in the mommy of them.

00:19:24.992 --> 00:19:25.856
If you can read this bring me more wine.

00:19:25.856 --> 00:19:26.460
And it's just like glamorized.

00:19:26.460 --> 00:19:28.506
And the mommy happy hours.

00:19:28.506 --> 00:19:35.532
You know, the kids, moms of the kids at my kids' school would get together for these mom happy hours.

00:19:35.532 --> 00:19:44.651
And I'm looking at this, seeing the pictures on Facebook or Instagram, because I'm not going to them, and they're not because I wasn't drinking, but because I wasn't invited.

00:19:45.799 --> 00:20:01.471
Because, again, no judging, we're just, we're just telling, because, like you say, I'm not for everybody exactly although I think I flipped that a little bit and say everybody's not for me, absolutely and and we should all recognize that absolutely and so I would.

00:20:01.633 --> 00:20:03.961
I would watch and I'm like, who's driving home?

00:20:03.961 --> 00:20:08.126
Like these ladies are all sitting out here at happy hour and they've got their kids at home.

00:20:08.126 --> 00:20:10.828
They're probably, you know, eating junk food or whatever.

00:20:10.828 --> 00:20:12.044
And how are you going to get home?

00:20:12.044 --> 00:20:13.409
Sure, sure, you know.

00:20:13.409 --> 00:20:15.999
Or at soccer practice, and they've got their Yetis.

00:20:15.999 --> 00:20:19.647
And that's not water in the Yeti, you know.

00:20:19.647 --> 00:20:22.053
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:26.980 --> 00:20:27.260
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:27.260 --> 00:20:28.266
No, it's, it's, it's pretty, it's pretty pervasive.

00:20:28.266 --> 00:20:28.949
Well, it makes it so that it's.

00:20:28.949 --> 00:20:30.476
It makes it so that it's socially acceptable and that it normalizes that.

00:20:30.476 --> 00:20:42.112
And I think we really need to take a big look at that because, you know, if somebody asks you, you know if you're out and about and you're not drinking, people make a big deal about it and it's like why don't you drink?

00:20:42.112 --> 00:20:46.040
Why do you drink?

00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:47.744
Right, go ahead and take a look at how horrible alcohol is for you.

00:20:47.865 --> 00:20:50.371
Again, not judging, I drank my full share.

00:20:50.371 --> 00:20:51.601
I drank my full dose.

00:20:51.601 --> 00:20:53.047
I ran right through that, you know.

00:20:53.047 --> 00:20:57.801
But look at how horrible it is for you and the negative stuff that comes from it.

00:20:57.801 --> 00:21:01.907
I don't know anyone who's like here's the value that drinking alcohol brings to my life.

00:21:01.907 --> 00:21:11.527
Someone, reach out to me, send us an email, tell me where the value comes in, because even after all of the stuff that I went through I look back, there's no value added from that.

00:21:11.527 --> 00:21:12.549
Yeah, we had a good time.

00:21:12.549 --> 00:21:13.571
I still have a good time now.

00:21:13.571 --> 00:21:14.826
I haven't had a drink in eight years.

00:21:14.826 --> 00:21:16.766
I have more fun now than I ever did drinking.

00:21:16.766 --> 00:21:17.669
Isn't that amazing?

00:21:17.729 --> 00:21:25.459
It is, and everybody's so afraid, afraid they're not going to be able to have a good time yeah and, yeah, this my 40s has been.

00:21:25.459 --> 00:21:32.904
I was 41 when I stopped drinking and my 40s has been absolutely the best decade of my life agreed, I quit drinking at 39 and literally same thing.

00:21:32.984 --> 00:21:35.170
It's like this is incredible.

00:21:35.170 --> 00:21:39.163
Someone, someone who says well, you know what am I going to drink?

00:21:39.203 --> 00:21:44.472
then I don't know water club soda with lemon and lime.

00:21:44.472 --> 00:21:45.354
It's almost there.

00:21:45.354 --> 00:21:46.075
You're an adult.

00:21:46.500 --> 00:21:47.806
We're not in high school anymore.

00:21:47.806 --> 00:21:48.909
This is not peer pressure.

00:21:48.909 --> 00:21:55.669
If you have someone that's given you a hard time about not drinking, tell them to fuck off and find different friends.

00:21:55.669 --> 00:21:56.805
Those are not your people.

00:21:57.359 --> 00:21:59.981
I mean that should be someone that supports you in that situation.

00:21:59.981 --> 00:22:03.345
After I quit drinking, I had someone who's like, come on, just have a drink.

00:22:03.345 --> 00:22:05.487
And I'm thinking are you out of your mind?

00:22:05.487 --> 00:22:10.151
I've just told you that I don't drink and that I you know that I'm in recovery and blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:22:10.151 --> 00:22:12.833
What are you trying to accomplish by doing that?

00:22:12.833 --> 00:22:16.576
And do you want to be more comfortable If I'm drinking?

00:22:16.576 --> 00:22:17.936
Will that make you more comfortable?

00:22:17.936 --> 00:22:25.557
I mean, that's outrageous.

00:22:25.557 --> 00:22:26.146
Maybe you need to take a look at why that is.

00:22:26.146 --> 00:22:27.099
Absolutely that's outrageous, you know.

00:22:27.026 --> 00:22:30.087
But if you look at the liquor companies and the people that push the booze and you know, we were looking at some statistics this morning.

00:22:30.087 --> 00:22:36.060
Belinda and I were about the increase in booze consumption amid COVID and everything that was happening there.

00:22:36.060 --> 00:22:38.913
Right, everyone was just numbing and again, no judgment.

00:22:38.913 --> 00:22:39.916
Covid was bullshit.

00:22:39.916 --> 00:22:41.082
So, however, you got through it.

00:22:41.082 --> 00:22:46.161
Get through it, but let's get back to a little bit of normal instead of.

00:22:46.161 --> 00:22:48.105
Everything is surrounded with booze.

00:22:48.105 --> 00:22:50.353
You can buy ice cream now that has booze in it.

00:22:50.353 --> 00:22:52.003
You have your coffee that has booze in it.

00:22:52.003 --> 00:22:56.767
You have all of the things that have booze in it and we normalize being able to drink Again.

00:22:57.490 --> 00:23:05.333
I used to be very excited when daylight savings would happen, because on Sundays I could start drinking at 10 like a lady instead of having to wait till 11.

00:23:05.333 --> 00:23:09.852
So I totally understand all of everything that goes into that.

00:23:09.852 --> 00:23:17.407
But in looking back and talking with our adult children about what the effects were on them, they knew I wasn't plugged in.

00:23:17.407 --> 00:23:24.608
They knew that all of the different things and they have to heal themselves now from that.

00:23:24.608 --> 00:23:27.867
Which I always say you get to fuck up your kids however you want to.

00:23:27.867 --> 00:23:29.355
I'll fuck up my kids how I want to.

00:23:29.355 --> 00:23:30.722
You get to do your kids how you want to.

00:23:30.722 --> 00:23:35.077
But I look back and I think, had I known, I absolutely would have.

00:23:35.077 --> 00:23:40.028
Hopefully, god, I hope, I mean I don't, I don't know they're not dumb you know our kids

00:23:40.068 --> 00:23:43.021
aren't dumb my my, my daughter and my son.

00:23:43.021 --> 00:23:47.342
They tell me, um, tell me about their friends whose parents drink a lot.

00:23:47.342 --> 00:23:57.209
Um, one, one of my son's friends, parents um, stopped drinking and they made it a month and I was so proud of them and and and that was it.

00:23:57.209 --> 00:23:57.849
It was a month.

00:23:57.849 --> 00:24:05.133
But hey, you know, you can go a month, you can go a month and a day, sure you, you know just try again, yeah, Try again.

00:24:05.220 --> 00:24:33.991
And then my daughter's friend's mom uses her daughter as her sounding board and she drinks and then uses her for her psychiatrist, you know, and tells her everything that's wrong with her, her love life and her work life, and dumping all of this on her teenage daughter, who doesn't need to be carrying that burden.

00:24:33.991 --> 00:24:38.221
It's just they don't like it, the kids.

00:24:38.221 --> 00:24:39.046
They don't like it.

00:24:39.046 --> 00:24:42.663
They tell my kids that they don't like it.

00:24:45.227 --> 00:24:53.536
It's about awareness, though she, for whatever reason, isn't aware yet, and you can't force someone.

00:24:53.536 --> 00:25:00.430
Right, you can talk to them until you're blue in the face and you can't make that thing click.

00:25:01.559 --> 00:25:03.607
Until you're ready, you're not ready, you know so.

00:25:04.461 --> 00:25:05.645
And is anybody telling them?

00:25:05.645 --> 00:25:08.567
Is anyone telling that woman that it's inappropriate?

00:25:08.567 --> 00:25:09.309
No, of course not.

00:25:09.309 --> 00:25:09.931
I don't think so.

00:25:09.931 --> 00:25:11.747
No, because you can't.

00:25:11.747 --> 00:25:15.388
Like, if you're dealing with somebody who's an alcoholic, you can't tell them shit.

00:25:15.388 --> 00:25:16.771
No, no, I've been there.

00:25:16.852 --> 00:25:17.893
You can't tell me shit.

00:25:17.893 --> 00:25:18.752
I've been there as well.

00:25:18.752 --> 00:25:27.458
But it's funny because as you start to peel back the layers a little bit and look underneath there, you start to get curious.

00:25:27.458 --> 00:25:41.093
And that's part of just like Belinda said the awareness of things, of saying let's have the conversation and get curious about why you're doing things in life, if you're listening and you're thinking what value is added by my drinking.

00:25:41.093 --> 00:25:43.487
Go ahead and just make a list of the pros and cons.

00:25:43.487 --> 00:25:44.269
Sure Right.

00:25:44.761 --> 00:25:45.718
I encourage you to do that.

00:25:45.819 --> 00:25:49.865
I encourage you to do that because that's an awareness piece of it and you can't do anything if you're not aware of it.

00:25:49.865 --> 00:25:50.888
Right, and then you get to choose.

00:25:50.888 --> 00:25:58.011
But go ahead and make a list pros and cons and I will guarantee you 100% of the people that do that.

00:25:58.011 --> 00:26:04.948
You will have a very small pro list and you will have a giant con list.

00:26:04.948 --> 00:26:11.112
And if that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about what alcohol is bringing to your life and I don't know- what else will any decision that you make in your life?

00:26:11.192 --> 00:26:15.085
think about it, think about how these decisions are affecting you, not just with alcohol.

00:26:15.085 --> 00:26:16.970
But you know, am I going to stay in this?

00:26:16.970 --> 00:26:18.040
Am I going to keep my job?

00:26:18.040 --> 00:26:19.063
Am I going to go to work today?

00:26:19.063 --> 00:26:21.127
Sure, you know that's the same kind of a decision.

00:26:21.127 --> 00:26:21.969
It's a you know.

00:26:21.969 --> 00:26:23.392
Am I going to go to work today?

00:26:23.392 --> 00:26:24.575
Sure, you know that's the same kind of a decision.

00:26:24.575 --> 00:26:25.056
It's a you know.

00:26:25.056 --> 00:26:25.676
Am I going to go to work today?

00:26:25.676 --> 00:26:26.137
Oh, I might lose my job.

00:26:26.137 --> 00:26:27.622
You know, are you better off with a job?

00:26:27.622 --> 00:26:29.367
Are you better off without a job?

00:26:29.367 --> 00:26:33.800
Like, make that list and think about those decisions that you're making.

00:26:33.961 --> 00:26:37.046
Well, and alcohol is a is a huge way to numb.

00:26:37.046 --> 00:26:39.169
You know people use that as a huge number To me.

00:26:39.169 --> 00:26:46.885
I reference the big three, which I think are big things that we do to numb out, which is food, booze and TV.

00:26:46.885 --> 00:26:58.624
And if you look at that, those things really lend into just having your life on autopilot and letting it run you instead of you running it, and I'll tell you, I've been on both sides of that.

00:26:58.624 --> 00:27:00.188
You can't pay me to go back.

00:27:00.188 --> 00:27:01.832
You can't pay me to go back.

00:27:03.819 --> 00:27:14.392
I have I make decisions with intention and with awareness, things that improve my life and that, you know, advance me and level me up instead of, oh shit, what did I do last night while I was out drinking?

00:27:14.392 --> 00:27:15.803
What mistakes did I make?

00:27:15.803 --> 00:27:17.346
Or what bad choices did I make?

00:27:17.346 --> 00:27:25.487
Or how did I set myself up for ruining my entire weekend because I drank too much on Friday night or whatever it is that that looks like and you think, oh, I'm having so much fun.

00:27:25.487 --> 00:27:26.984
Try it without booze.

00:27:26.984 --> 00:27:37.380
You know you can still be silly and fun and laugh and all of those things and still feel great at your Saturday morning workout because you're not stuck in bed the rest of the weekend.

00:27:39.203 --> 00:27:43.882
Sure, or you're creative and your art comes out, or, whatever it is, your garden is thriving.

00:27:43.882 --> 00:27:57.270
Whatever it is that you put that energy into, um, because those are the things that give you more skittles absolutely absolutely you work on the cultivating those things that increase the amount of skittles that you have, and you get home at the end of the day.

00:27:57.270 --> 00:27:59.967
You don't need to numb you, don't you?

00:28:00.126 --> 00:28:15.124
and that's the point with the whole intentional use of the skittles if people actually just try, try that, incorporate that into your week, into your couple of days, and just see what a difference that makes, if you say I'm not going to waste them on this, I'm not going to waste them on this, and just see at the end of the day what you have left over.

00:28:15.124 --> 00:28:33.111
Because what you'll find, based on everyone that I've used this analogy with, is they'll come to me and they'll say holy shit, when my son came and asked me to read him a story the other night, I still had Skittles left to be able to do that, and that means way more than I had four glasses of wine or three glasses of wine.

00:28:33.111 --> 00:28:34.440
Maybe people drink like ladies.

00:28:34.539 --> 00:28:39.105
I didn't drink like a lady at all it was more than just two.

00:28:39.105 --> 00:28:41.929
I'm like who would stop at two, Two bottles Exactly.

00:28:41.929 --> 00:28:43.210
I'm like who would stop at two.

00:28:43.210 --> 00:28:44.932
That's, you know so.

00:28:44.932 --> 00:28:46.594
So that was the way that I drank.

00:28:46.594 --> 00:28:52.772
But if you, if you look at that and you say, oh my God, I do have the energy to be able to do that, or I?

00:28:52.772 --> 00:28:56.282
Not just for your kids, for yourself too, you know, for me it's.

00:28:56.282 --> 00:29:01.191
I don't want to just go sit in front of the TV and numb out, you can do that, that's fine.

00:29:01.211 --> 00:29:02.534
Well, you're just avoiding things.

00:29:02.534 --> 00:29:04.885
Well yeah, you know it's avoidance.

00:29:04.885 --> 00:29:07.847
Numbing is avoiding, right.

00:29:07.847 --> 00:29:16.006
So we have to be mindful of what we're spending our, especially our mental Skittles.

00:29:16.006 --> 00:29:19.851
I feel like the mental Skittles are the biggest suck.

00:29:19.851 --> 00:29:25.258
I mean exercising uses Skittles, but it replaces them.

00:29:25.298 --> 00:29:25.700
Right, exactly.

00:29:25.940 --> 00:29:44.429
You get more energy when you expend energy exercising, but when you're obsessing in your mind over whatever it is my dad was an alcoholic, or my car is broken, or you know my kid flunked math, whatever it is you know the world is out to get me.

00:29:44.429 --> 00:29:45.731
My boyfriend's an asshole.

00:29:45.731 --> 00:29:50.109
Think about what are those things that you're spending that time on.

00:29:50.109 --> 00:29:53.871
Just be aware, just think about it, figure it out.

00:29:53.960 --> 00:29:54.362
Where's that?

00:29:54.402 --> 00:30:00.041
stuff coming from, Then start to figure out how to deal yeah no doubt, belinda.

00:30:00.824 --> 00:30:08.732
what is some of your feedback that you've gotten from your kiddos, or what was your experience in drinking when they were younger and what that looked like for you?

00:30:09.461 --> 00:30:37.403
Well, so I can't really say that I have any feedback from my kids, because where my life is at right now is in the healing process of my divorce and so I think it's too new, too soon.

00:30:37.403 --> 00:30:38.763
They haven't approached me with anything.

00:30:38.763 --> 00:30:40.465
Well, I take that back.

00:30:40.465 --> 00:30:42.928
My son did Just a little.

00:30:42.928 --> 00:31:01.890
It wasn't very detailed in the way he does say, Mom, you're doing so great because he's watching, and, as I'm sure the other ones are too.

00:31:01.890 --> 00:31:08.124
But my middle child said right away, nope, it's just not for her to talk about it or anything, I guess.

00:31:08.124 --> 00:31:20.527
And my younger one, she's a little vocal, but not to the point of anything that I can really work with.

00:31:20.586 --> 00:31:23.073
So there are casualties of my drinking.

00:31:23.073 --> 00:31:34.955
My whole marriage is a of of my drinking Um, my whole marriage is a casualty drinking, um, and I'm taking my side of the street, um, because it, it is a, a, a whole package.

00:31:34.955 --> 00:31:38.084
It's not just me being that.

00:31:38.084 --> 00:31:46.455
Uh, I grew up in a household and a family, extended family, full of drinkers.

00:31:46.455 --> 00:31:56.929
You know, I don't think that I could ever say I was an alcoholic, but alcoholics usually say they're not alcoholics.

00:31:56.929 --> 00:32:05.720
I had a and smokers right, I wasn't a smoker, but I smoked and smokers right, I wasn't a smoker, but I smoked.

00:32:05.720 --> 00:32:09.781
I did do.

00:32:09.781 --> 00:32:13.528
I did cause damage like a ton, shit ton of damage.

00:32:13.528 --> 00:32:29.295
I don't feel like I need it currently to have to numb, to not feel, because I want to feel what I'm going through right now so that I can fix what's taking my energy inside me.

00:32:29.295 --> 00:32:47.532
You know, I want to be able to keep my schedules and when the kids do feel like it's time for them to ask me anything like I'm ready now If they want to talk to me, I should say I'm open to talking to them.

00:32:47.532 --> 00:32:49.926
Now it could be really messy.

00:32:49.926 --> 00:32:53.569
I feel like I'm okay.

00:32:53.569 --> 00:33:04.852
I would be okay in accomplishing something very healthy out of having a conversation with them but still being working on myself and figuring out things.

00:33:04.852 --> 00:33:08.705
You know, who knows how that could go?

00:33:08.705 --> 00:33:10.228
I don't really know.

00:33:11.329 --> 00:33:15.201
I was one of the moms that had their foam cups, not Yeti.

00:33:15.201 --> 00:33:28.809
Back then I had a foam cup from one of the convenience stores and, uh, I was at softball games and I was at volleyball games took it into schools and not just outside of the property.

00:33:28.809 --> 00:33:35.003
You know, I was, I was one of those and just thinking about it, where you're talking about it, I pictured myself.

00:33:35.003 --> 00:33:48.616
Um, this instance I do, sitting in a lawn chair, pouring beer into a foam cup and drinking it out of a straw.

00:33:48.616 --> 00:33:50.834
That should have been my first clue right there.

00:33:50.834 --> 00:33:51.638
I know that's awful.

00:33:51.638 --> 00:33:53.424
How did?

00:33:53.444 --> 00:33:55.691
we put our heads so far in the sand.

00:33:56.461 --> 00:33:57.365
It's so awful.

00:33:57.740 --> 00:34:05.140
I tell some of the stories and I think back and it literally makes my soul cringe at some of the stories and I think back and it literally makes my soul cringe at some of the behavior that I did.

00:34:05.140 --> 00:34:17.255
And again, it's so acceptable that you don't even realize how outrageous it is until you're hearing the stories back or we're telling stories.

00:34:17.255 --> 00:34:42.291
You know, brittany came on the podcast a couple weeks ago and listening to her talk about her biological father who had a drinking problem, I don't know what his story is, but when they were younger she said we would go places like to Glamis or to you know fun weekends or whatever, and she would just hope that she would be sleeping by the time he would get drunk, because it was really bad for her.

00:34:42.291 --> 00:34:47.646
And that kind of shit breaks my heart because those children don't have a voice.

00:34:47.646 --> 00:34:55.197
How is that five-year-old or seven-year-old or eight-year-old or whatever age it is, in a position to tell their parent to stop drinking?

00:34:55.197 --> 00:34:57.702
Because their parent will tell them get out of here.

00:34:57.742 --> 00:34:59.804
You're doing your own thing, mind your own business.

00:34:59.804 --> 00:35:04.670
But it's so funny because then when you talk to an adult they say I would do anything for my kid, would you?

00:35:04.670 --> 00:35:08.760
Because the drinking is completely out of control.

00:35:08.760 --> 00:35:11.429
You know, I asked Brittany when did you know I was an alcoholic?

00:35:11.429 --> 00:35:15.757
She goes not until after I was already out of the house because everyone drank, everyone drank.

00:35:15.757 --> 00:35:22.168
I just thought that that's what you did when you were an adult and to me that hurts my heart because alcohol doesn't play a role in my life at all anymore.

00:35:22.208 --> 00:35:23.672
I mean, cameron drinks, but it's not.

00:35:23.672 --> 00:35:26.014
You know, he's a different animal.

00:35:26.014 --> 00:35:31.407
Then you know he's not like hey, where am I going to get my next drink If he doesn't drink for a week or a month or whatever?

00:35:31.407 --> 00:35:32.951
It doesn't matter, it's not a thing.

00:35:32.951 --> 00:35:52.610
So really being able to hear those stories from her and realize the impact that had, and also realize the therapy and the work that she's having to do to heal that little girl in there who could not protect herself, so maybe you think, oh, I'm not, I'm not abusive, I'm not an angry drunk, I'm not a mean drunk, doesn't matter.

00:35:52.630 --> 00:35:53.896
It doesn't matter it.

00:35:53.896 --> 00:35:56.563
The unpredictability is everything it's.

00:35:56.563 --> 00:36:00.331
It hurts just as much, yes, it damages you just as much.

00:36:00.351 --> 00:36:08.931
It does when you don't know it does so, to have know, to have us be in a position where we have kiddos that are older, that are able to tell the stories.

00:36:08.931 --> 00:36:20.963
You know, listening to the kiddos talk about stuff, and this journey of the podcast for me and asking the question, everything has really been unraveling for me in a way where there's things that I have not realized previously.

00:36:20.963 --> 00:36:41.172
When you hear other people's perspectives stories that you were at, but from their perspective instead of your own, it's very eye-opening, and especially from your children, because for me, I have really embraced allowing my children to be teachers for me in life, which is an honor, which is an honor to be able to do that.

00:36:41.172 --> 00:36:47.413
But to listen to them as they talk about really painful, hurtful stuff that I did.

00:36:47.413 --> 00:36:54.710
You know they're healing from trauma that I caused and I can't have that be something that I get defensive about or make it about me.

00:36:54.710 --> 00:37:05.405
It's my job to hold space for them while they do heal those parts, take accountability for that, regardless of if that's how I remembered it or didn't remember it, because that's not my story.

00:37:05.405 --> 00:37:11.570
I was on my side of that For sure, and I think that a lot of parents don't allow their kiddos to do that.

00:37:11.659 --> 00:37:13.628
But put yourself in that situation.

00:37:13.628 --> 00:37:20.577
If you're the parent that is out there that's drinking now and you think, oh, it's not that big of a deal, put the shoe on the other foot.

00:37:20.577 --> 00:37:24.324
Think about the version of you at that age.

00:37:24.324 --> 00:37:30.735
And would that be okay if your parents were completely unplugged and out to lunch and drinking all of the time and whatever?

00:37:30.735 --> 00:37:34.952
And again, as adults now, we're not doing it for any value added.

00:37:34.952 --> 00:37:42.634
We're doing it to numb out or because we think we can't have fun without it, or we don't know how to navigate our lives without it, because we've completely made it.

00:37:42.634 --> 00:37:44.447
It's ingrained in everything that we do.

00:37:44.447 --> 00:37:46.701
Brunch is around.

00:37:46.701 --> 00:37:46.880
You know.

00:37:46.880 --> 00:37:52.222
You go to a brunch and they have more booze on the menu than they do food right, which of course they're going to do.

00:37:52.222 --> 00:37:53.907
That Booze is big business.

00:37:53.907 --> 00:37:55.931
There's a lot of dollars behind that.

00:37:55.931 --> 00:37:59.530
You know they're going to put it in everything and make it so that it's everywhere.

00:37:59.530 --> 00:38:01.403
People do not drink responsibly anymore.

00:38:01.403 --> 00:38:04.472
I literally know very few people that drink responsibly.

00:38:07.099 --> 00:38:13.550
Yeah, and if you want an eye opener, just um, just write down how much you spend on it in a month times 12.

00:38:13.550 --> 00:38:17.561
Yeah, for real For real, that's what.

00:38:17.561 --> 00:38:18.184
I did.

00:38:18.184 --> 00:38:19.668
Well, that's what I did when I quit smoking.

00:38:19.668 --> 00:38:23.025
I quit a lot of things, yeah.

00:38:23.105 --> 00:38:26.815
I'm a big quitter, I quit smoking weed.

00:38:26.835 --> 00:38:32.507
when I got pregnant, I quit smoking cigarettes after a while and then quit drinking.

00:38:32.507 --> 00:38:37.728
But when I stopped smoking cigarettes, that was the thing I was like okay, so how much does a pack of cigarettes cost?

00:38:37.728 --> 00:38:46.291
I think at that time it was like I think it got up to like about $7 a pack, maybe $6, $7 a pack in 2010, and one of those a day.

00:38:46.291 --> 00:38:54.059
And how much of that was going to the tobacco company and how much of that was going to the government and that was what got me.

00:38:54.059 --> 00:38:56.262
It was like I'm what.

00:38:56.262 --> 00:38:59.505
Actually, what really got me was my kids again my child.

00:38:59.505 --> 00:39:17.791
We had gone to my uncle's funeral and he died of smoking related illnesses emphysema, pneumonia, whatever.

00:39:17.791 --> 00:39:27.672
He smoked camel non-filters, he was around the race cars and this stuff, and his kids, my adult cousins, were devastated.

00:39:28.193 --> 00:39:44.851
He wasn't a young man you know, but he died before it was time, you know, and it was because of something that he did to himself, to his own body, and I said why am I going to do that?

00:39:44.851 --> 00:39:59.427
Why am I going to do this to myself, kill myself and pay the government right two or three dollars a pack to do that, to leave my family devastated over something that I had control of?

00:39:59.427 --> 00:40:00.411
Yeah, like that.

00:40:00.452 --> 00:40:05.007
Yeah, no absolutely well and you look at that, the, the health effects that that has, and again, again.

00:40:05.007 --> 00:40:06.851
When you're young, you don't think about things.

00:40:06.851 --> 00:40:11.110
When you get to be a woman of a certain age, as we, are thank you, ladies.

00:40:11.110 --> 00:40:13.527
You realize this is terrible.

00:40:13.527 --> 00:40:18.391
I mean, go ahead and just Google the adverse health effects of drinking alcohol.

00:40:18.391 --> 00:40:19.092
Oh yeah, right.

00:40:19.092 --> 00:40:20.826
I mean, you're literally poisoning yourself.

00:40:20.826 --> 00:40:23.485
Oh sure, and we're doing it because it's socially accepted.

00:40:23.525 --> 00:40:25.369
But don't they say it's good for your heart.

00:40:25.590 --> 00:40:28.036
Oh my, God, imagine like what.

00:40:28.036 --> 00:40:28.637
The biggest lie ever.

00:40:28.637 --> 00:40:35.471
Just in preparation for this podcast this morning, I'm looking at the whole list and I'm thinking, oh my God.

00:40:38.766 --> 00:40:46.882
And that's not just for raging alcoholics, that's just the stuff that, if you're a regular drinker which a lot of people are that's what that looks like.

00:40:46.882 --> 00:40:51.802
So again, go ahead and make that pro and con list and then make big kid decisions because you're not.

00:40:51.802 --> 00:40:52.103
Don't.

00:40:52.103 --> 00:40:53.972
Don't be as, don't be a slave to that.

00:40:53.972 --> 00:40:55.980
Don't be chained to a substance.

00:40:55.980 --> 00:40:59.050
Yes, for some of us it takes different things.

00:40:59.050 --> 00:41:02.384
I'm so happy that you were able to wake up and say I'm not doing this anymore.

00:41:02.384 --> 00:41:10.161
For me, it was Belinda planting seeds of go to this lovely place and they're going to hide the booze from you for 30 days so that we can get you right, you know.

00:41:10.161 --> 00:41:13.632
And then realizing how important that step was.

00:41:13.672 --> 00:41:29.829
It's not easy, no, and I I recognize wholeheartedly that that I'm an exception and I I got my mom's genes in that and I think Cameron did too, where it didn't consume us.

00:41:30.581 --> 00:41:46.929
We were not so dependent on it, even though we loved it, which is what blew my mind, because Cameron's like I'm just not going to drink for 30 days and I'm thinking you, mother, because I couldn't not drink for one day.

00:41:47.119 --> 00:41:50.891
Other people, and I feel for them, spend their entire life trying to stop drinking.

00:41:50.891 --> 00:41:51.541
Well my dad.

00:41:51.541 --> 00:41:59.489
You know he's been in and out of rehab who knows how many times I can't even count how many times and it just, you know, goes back to that.

00:41:59.489 --> 00:42:03.291
But you know you have to have where's your rock bottom.

00:42:03.291 --> 00:42:08.380
You know what is the thing that's going to keep you from doing that?

00:42:08.380 --> 00:42:13.960
And for me it was my kids, because I would do anything for them and also what are you numbing?

00:42:14.141 --> 00:42:19.554
you know for me, I didn't realize the shit that I was carrying around, that I was numbing.

00:42:19.974 --> 00:42:24.306
Oh, I was so out of touch with all of that stuff and just had no idea.

00:42:24.306 --> 00:42:26.610
You talk about EQ.

00:42:26.610 --> 00:42:30.115
You know your emotional intelligence.

00:42:30.115 --> 00:42:37.893
It's not easy to know what's going on here and what's going on here.

00:42:37.893 --> 00:42:54.376
It's hard to discern that when you've got so much trauma, so much hurt, so many things you know have happened to you in your life, that how do you start to pick those things apart?

00:42:54.376 --> 00:42:55.864
It's really difficult.

00:42:56.186 --> 00:42:56.367
It is.

00:42:56.983 --> 00:42:58.898
And most people need help with that, for sure.

00:42:59.059 --> 00:43:01.461
Well, and I always think it's kind of like the ball of yarn and you're pulling the string out.

00:43:01.461 --> 00:43:19.277
It's kind of like the ball of yarn and you're pulling the string out Because once you start so again, be real careful what you wish for before you make that pros and cons list All of us would say that we wouldn't go back, but once you start pulling that, string you realize all of the things that you were doing just to cope with shit that you hadn't dealt with.

00:43:21.460 --> 00:43:23.463
Suddenly you're on the floor on a mat in Costa Rica, right.

00:43:23.483 --> 00:43:27.210
Suddenly, shit just got real and You're trying to get to your room before you shit your pants.

00:43:27.210 --> 00:43:28.934
That's, that's no joke.

00:43:28.934 --> 00:43:30.255
That's no joke.

00:43:30.255 --> 00:43:46.552
But you know, if you're willing to do that, if you're willing to get curious about yourself, I think so many people put so much energy and effort into all of these other things that aren't nearly as rewarding as getting curious about who you are, what makes you up why you do the things that you do.

00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:47.864
Know that that's a thing.

00:43:47.864 --> 00:43:59.389
A lot of people that I know don't even know that introspection is a thing, like get curious about myself, like why, why would I want to do that?

00:44:00.543 --> 00:44:06.367
Once you look at those two lives one that's rinse, lather, repeat, and you're just doing the same shit over and over and over again every day.

00:44:06.367 --> 00:44:10.320
You're in a groundhog's day, just so you realize what that looks like.

00:44:10.320 --> 00:44:11.864
And every day gets worse.

00:44:11.864 --> 00:44:19.030
Every day gets worse, right, if you want to come to the other side, which to me is what I call waking up, or this planet is Disneyland.

00:44:19.030 --> 00:44:20.541
Everything's amazing.

00:44:20.541 --> 00:44:23.286
I don't need drugs and alcohol to be able to realize that.

00:44:23.286 --> 00:44:35.141
Right, I've just cleaned out enough shit out of my garage that I realize I don't have to carry all that stuff around anymore, where I can actually not have shit noodling around or stuff that's heavy or things that I didn't even realize I needed to release.

00:44:35.141 --> 00:44:40.541
But you got to get some of the numbing components out of the way so that you even can open your eyes and feel the things.

00:44:40.541 --> 00:44:43.365
Like Belinda said, a lot of people aren't willing to touch the feelings.

00:44:43.365 --> 00:44:45.228
Right, they're not willing to touch their feelings.

00:44:45.630 --> 00:45:00.231
I'm willing to touch all my feelings I'm, I'm chuckling to myself with the imagery of the garage when you, when you've, when you've graduated, past a couple of bags right entire storage unit of crap.

00:45:00.331 --> 00:45:00.931
and how do you?

00:45:00.931 --> 00:45:01.934
It's well, it's.

00:45:01.934 --> 00:45:05.302
It's like um, like a literal storage room of crap.

00:45:05.302 --> 00:45:09.632
You walk into it and you're like, okay, I've got to get this stuff cleaned up, I've got to organize, I've got to sort it out.

00:45:09.632 --> 00:45:12.489
And you walk in and you look at it and you're like holy crap.

00:45:12.489 --> 00:45:14.985
And you just shut the door and walk away.

00:45:14.985 --> 00:45:17.452
That's easy to do, it is.

00:45:18.059 --> 00:45:23.684
You have to want it, you have to want it, you've got to start in one corner and just start picking through.

00:45:23.744 --> 00:45:33.210
Yeah, and it's interesting because, as I've done the work over the years, I have had people who say they come to me, people that know me in life, and say what are you doing?

00:45:33.210 --> 00:45:36.592
And this isn't just quitting drinking, right, I quit drinking eight years ago.

00:45:36.592 --> 00:45:39.394
It's more like really getting into the work than the last several years.

00:45:39.394 --> 00:45:41.215
What is it that you're doing?

00:45:41.215 --> 00:45:51.900
Because your demeanor has changed, your energy has changed and I've always been a positive person, even when I drank, even when I whatever I didn't realize all of the work and stuff that I needed to do.

00:45:51.900 --> 00:45:53.003
But as I've done it.

00:45:53.003 --> 00:45:55.469
People say tell me what you're doing.

00:45:55.469 --> 00:46:06.394
I want to know, I want what you have, that that energy, that lightness, that awe and being inspired by what's happening around us, instead of being mucked up in the weeds for stuff.

00:46:06.539 --> 00:46:09.389
But it's so easy for us to get mucked up in things.

00:46:09.389 --> 00:46:11.989
We have all of these triggers because we haven't fixed anything.

00:46:11.989 --> 00:46:24.902
That garage full of shit, that's all your triggers, that's all the stuff that you didn't clean out, and so you just keep putting it in and putting it in and then numbing on top of that because you're not willing to feel the things, you're not willing to touch your feelings.

00:46:24.902 --> 00:46:28.900
Well, that's okay, you can live your whole life that way and there's no problems with that.

00:46:28.920 --> 00:46:50.420
But if you realized that things could be infinitely better by doing the work, by by being aware, by not just numbing with the, either the big three or other things as well, right, we can numb with all sorts of stuff, but when you're doing that, realize you're not, yeah, you're not getting the lows, you're not feeling the, the horrible lows, but you're not getting the highs either.

00:46:50.420 --> 00:46:57.244
Sure, you know, and the more work that I do, the more that I'm inspired by doing it, the more that I want to scream from the rooftops.

00:46:57.244 --> 00:46:58.469
I feel like I found the cheat code.

00:46:58.469 --> 00:47:02.646
I really feel like I found the cheat code to life, you know, and I just want to share it isn't it it?

00:47:03.126 --> 00:47:15.260
is like just um, working on those those things that that use your energy, clearing out the bad energy and letting your your life energy flow in your body.

00:47:15.260 --> 00:47:32.114
When you, when you start you know if you do acupuncture or yoga or you know any of that energy kind of work even just exercise starts to unbuckle, all of those things and those blockages start to release and you feel like a different person.

00:47:32.114 --> 00:47:34.422
I told my um, my yoga instructor, the other day.

00:47:34.422 --> 00:47:39.684
I texted her after my session and I said I feel 10 pounds lighter and three inches taller after today's session.

00:47:39.684 --> 00:47:46.068
I did, and I felt like I was just emitting all this light because it cleared out all the junk.

00:47:46.068 --> 00:47:51.068
You know, yeah, it's amazing, yeah, and I'm the same person and I'm saying the same words and I'm doing the same things.

00:47:51.068 --> 00:47:56.170
I'm wearing the same clothes, I'm driving the same car, I'm taking the same steps, I'm in the same place, but I'm different.

00:47:56.170 --> 00:47:58.740
Yeah, you know, you're different In the most beautiful way.

00:47:59.181 --> 00:48:08.690
Oh for sure, people you're able to let that you know bleed out into your family and so then, they're kind of going like what's happening, Mom's?

00:48:08.710 --> 00:48:12.914
pretty happy all the time and either she's drinking again or you know right, who knows but?

00:48:13.434 --> 00:48:21.923
no, I think being willing to do that stuff is really important and a lot of people don't know like okay, where do I start with this?

00:48:21.923 --> 00:48:23.126
Because there's not for any specific person.

00:48:23.126 --> 00:48:28.766
There's never going to be like okay, step one, but it is really the awareness is get curious, like you always say.

00:48:28.967 --> 00:48:29.949
Get curious, start.

00:48:29.949 --> 00:48:31.981
Just take stock of what's in your mind.

00:48:31.981 --> 00:48:32.822
What are you thinking about?

00:48:32.822 --> 00:48:33.746
Yeah, what?

00:48:33.806 --> 00:48:34.869
consumes your thoughts.

00:48:34.869 --> 00:48:36.661
Yeah, and what choices are you making?

00:48:36.661 --> 00:48:39.733
Right, and if you're not doing anything, know that that's a choice.

00:48:39.733 --> 00:48:43.965
Right, like, definitely inaction is still a choice, doing nothing still a choice.

00:48:44.106 --> 00:48:45.771
And that usually doesn't go well.00:48:45.811 --> 00:48:46.873


Yeah, it doesn't go well.00:48:46.873 --> 00:48:53.514


And realizing also, you know there's lots of different little things that you do that add up to really big things.00:48:53.514 --> 00:49:07.262


And as you gain momentum with doing that, if you say I want to be the best version of myself, I'm going to use my yesterday version as my competition and I want to level up, I want to go all in on me, do those things, those little, whatever it is.00:49:07.262 --> 00:49:08.365


And if you're not sure where to start, send me an email.00:49:08.365 --> 00:49:09.570


I'll give you a couple of pointers.00:49:09.570 --> 00:49:15.903


You know it's as simple as checking out a book or listening to a podcast or whatever and then just getting curious Journaling.00:49:16.003 --> 00:49:18.992


You know, I always say starting with a gratitude journal is excellent.00:49:18.992 --> 00:49:25.992


I have a separate gratitude journal that's like 10 things that I like to write in every day and sometimes it's really big things and sometimes it's little things.00:49:25.992 --> 00:49:30.201


But it changes your mind frame completely of okay, where am I coming from?00:49:30.201 --> 00:49:39.481


A place of gratitude, but really being able to do those things so that you can be the best mom that you can be, you can be the best wife that you can be, you can have Skittles left over at the end of the day.00:49:39.481 --> 00:49:45.753


You know the, the concept of a you know your cup being full was always something that I didn't understand.00:49:45.753 --> 00:50:01.396


I I really got twisted up in that in my life because I always thought I was supposed to be surrounding myself with people that made me happy, had no idea that's an inside job it is and so once I realized that, I was like oh, it's just on me to make me happy, like I can do that.00:50:01.496 --> 00:50:04.483


And yeah, that was a hard shift, to switch from being choices.00:50:04.585 --> 00:50:10.141


It is choices right and being somebody that always like wants to take care of other people instead of, like I have to take care of myself first.00:50:10.141 --> 00:50:28.273


But I visualize that whole cup not having holes in the bottom of it anymore and realizing that it's my job to do that, and then being intentional about skittles and the things that I do that boost my skittles, or the things that reproduce my skittles, or going and being around people that make me feel good about stuff and limiting the waste of Skittles.00:50:28.273 --> 00:50:36.661


Right, Then my cup is full and then I'm able to just it gets my Skittles, get on everybody and that's part of why I'm doing this podcast, because the universe tastes the rainbow.00:50:37.782 --> 00:50:41.106


Oh my god, I think we're building something as we speak.00:50:41.106 --> 00:50:45.750


Yes, skittles, I would love a sponsorship, but yeah, I mean, that's a big deal.00:50:45.750 --> 00:50:51.695


For sure, it makes people want to be around you it makes people want to do better for themselves.00:50:51.894 --> 00:50:52.255


It does.00:50:52.255 --> 00:51:07.382


As you're leveling up and as you're elevating, you will watch the other people that have earned a spot at your table of life, who want to do the work for themselves as well, and those are the people that come to me and say, all right, ann, what are you doing?00:51:07.382 --> 00:51:07.963


What are you doing?00:51:07.963 --> 00:51:08.525


Because I like what I see.00:51:08.525 --> 00:51:09.527


You're more calm, you're more relaxed, you're not.00:51:09.527 --> 00:51:11.061


I just don't get worked up about a lot of stuff.00:51:11.061 --> 00:51:14.800


Still the dogs in the mall, belinda, still the dogs in the mall going to get me every single time.00:51:14.800 --> 00:51:19.985


But I don't get worked up about stuff very much anymore because I realize it's a waste of Skittles.00:51:19.985 --> 00:51:27.112


Right, I try not to be get twisted up in the in the garbage that happens in my life and to have better boundaries and to understand again.00:51:27.193 --> 00:51:32.065


I didn't know all of those things when I was younger and by younger I mean less than 40.00:51:32.065 --> 00:51:37.943


You know, I was a little slow to the dance because I had I was got pregnant when I was 18 years old.00:51:37.943 --> 00:51:40.168


I didn't realize all of these things.00:51:40.168 --> 00:51:46.840


You know, my mom was a mom to five kids and not in a situation where there was emotional intelligence that was being taught.00:51:46.840 --> 00:51:50.489


It was, you know, the emotional intelligence is a big component of the skittles.00:51:50.489 --> 00:52:05.764


If you're, if you don't have a handle on things, to the point where someone pushes into a trigger of yours and you lose your shit, or you know, I always say like defensiveness is just like a blanket trigger over everything, you can just count that as this goes over your entire life.00:52:05.764 --> 00:52:09.268


But if you don't react well to stuff, you're just throwing Skittles around.00:52:09.347 --> 00:52:13.152


I look at dudes that get angry and I'm like, oh my God, what a waste of Skittles.00:52:13.152 --> 00:52:15.096


They're just flying everywhere, which is hilarious.00:52:15.096 --> 00:52:17.143


I can visualize that now.00:52:17.143 --> 00:52:29.494


But it's because we haven't raised our men specifically to have emotional intelligence about anything they don't have, that we're going to turn all of the emotions that come up into anger and rage because we don't know how to actually process whatever those feelings are.00:52:29.494 --> 00:52:35.043


So getting curious about what does that make me feel like?00:52:35.043 --> 00:52:37.148


You know, when somebody bumps into a trigger, don't react, turn inwards.00:52:37.148 --> 00:52:38.190


Where does that come from?00:52:38.190 --> 00:52:39.273


What does that make me feel like?00:52:39.273 --> 00:52:40.581


Does that resonate with me?00:52:40.581 --> 00:52:47.875


You know we were dealt with a certain recipe based on where our environment growing up and who our parents are and what trauma they brought.00:52:47.875 --> 00:52:51.606


You know, again, our parents were just doing the best that they could, but they all did a horrible job.00:52:53.242 --> 00:52:54.224


No offense parents.00:52:54.284 --> 00:52:58.833


But you know we know better now, so let's do better.00:52:58.833 --> 00:53:03.860


And as generation, each generation goes, we continue to know better and we continue to be able to do better.00:53:03.860 --> 00:53:08.340


So hopefully this podcast will bring a platform of no judgment.00:53:08.340 --> 00:53:18.710


We're all sitting here talking about gross stuff and being accountable to stories of I was not the best parent that I could have been when I was drinking, and having my eyes open to that didn't serve me well.00:53:19.101 --> 00:53:20.447


I want to do better you know.00:53:20.659 --> 00:53:24.791


So in every area, not just in alcohol, in all of the areas.00:53:24.791 --> 00:53:36.880


Look at how much your growth has happened recently, or over whatever period of time you want to look at it, and how that affects your husband, your kiddos, your friends, your coworkers, like all of the things I mean.00:53:36.880 --> 00:53:39.239


You get to be a light for all of those people.00:53:39.239 --> 00:53:44.405


Just based on you going all in on you, you getting curious about you and fixing your shit.00:53:44.405 --> 00:53:51.260


Belinda, when, when, belinda, when?00:53:51.260 --> 00:53:55.882


Do you feel like that was a big thing for you as far as just going all in on you or realizing how important that was to just do the work for yourself and the impact that that has on other people?00:53:55.882 --> 00:54:00.702


Or maybe you haven't realized the impact that that has on other people, maybe I don't know.00:54:01.403 --> 00:54:05.813


Oh yeah, no, so back in 2018,.00:54:05.813 --> 00:54:10.114


Oh yeah, no, so back in 2018,.00:54:10.135 --> 00:54:11.094


I just stumbled in it.00:54:11.255 --> 00:54:12.394


I in 2014.00:54:12.394 --> 00:54:16.876


Definitely I was on medication.00:54:16.876 --> 00:54:31.079


I knew I was depressed, so it there was a seed there and then probably numbed out for four years, blacked out, didn't know what was happening, because I was really, really.00:54:31.079 --> 00:54:35.702


It is when my sister passed away and my two kids went to the Navy at the same time.00:54:35.702 --> 00:54:47.333


So that was the trilogy of that was very like, very hard on me, and I was vocal about that to my husband at the time and I took action on that.00:54:47.333 --> 00:54:59.005


So then, a year after that, I, with my doctor, weaned off of it Because I was like, oh, I'm going to try to do something on my own right, didn't want to take medication.00:54:59.579 --> 00:55:13.286


And then 2018, I slipped into church just by a visitor, I joined someone and then just started from there.00:55:13.286 --> 00:55:16.222


There was one thing after the other.00:55:16.222 --> 00:55:32.585


So one big component of that was I went to a yoga one day yoga retreat and this I will take this with me every time because she had us do this activity.00:55:32.585 --> 00:55:48.891


Um, and there was a hundred, a hundred of us there outside on this huge lawn, a hundred of us and she gave us all a mirror, she gave us all an expo marker, um, and she said write something to yourself, whatever it was, something positive.00:55:48.891 --> 00:55:50.454


Right, that's going to help you.00:55:50.454 --> 00:55:57.313


And so I wrote something, and then she asked us to share it with someone.00:55:57.313 --> 00:55:58.666


So talk about being vulnerable.00:55:59.320 --> 00:56:01.929


First you've got to say something nice to yourself.00:56:01.929 --> 00:56:07.021


For the past years up until then then, I had never said anything nice to myself.00:56:07.021 --> 00:56:08.684


I was my biggest critic, right.00:56:08.684 --> 00:56:29.806


So I wrote something on there that I had heard in a church, a session that I went to, which was be be better, uh, tomorrow than you were today, and so that was just my thing, that I stuck you, you know sticky note on the mirror and um, and I just took it from there.00:56:29.806 --> 00:56:33.833


So other things obviously happened after that.00:56:33.833 --> 00:56:38.766


Um, I got a DUI, you know still was drinking.00:56:39.108 --> 00:56:48.728


It was just a slow venture for me and, and since my divorce a year ago, um, to answer your question, I don't think that I really had a choice.00:56:48.728 --> 00:56:52.847


I didn't really just decide, I just had to do it.00:56:52.847 --> 00:56:53.945


I had to.00:56:53.945 --> 00:56:58.905


I had to clean up, yeah, I had to fix it.00:56:58.905 --> 00:57:04.490


I didn't want to be the person I was already, I just didn't know how to do it.00:57:04.490 --> 00:57:05.806


I didn't want to be the person I was already, yeah, I just didn't know how to do it.00:57:05.773 --> 00:57:20.387


Yeah, and because I wanted to, so badly, it's more like I tell myself how I'm, so I get to this point where I just go.00:57:20.387 --> 00:57:21.552


I got to figure it out.00:57:21.552 --> 00:57:33.731


Like I have to have closure and I don't know if I'm the only weird one like this, but like if I don't have an answer to solve the problem, then I feel incomplete.00:57:33.731 --> 00:57:39.101


So I said I have to figure out what the heck right?00:57:39.101 --> 00:57:40.123


Why did this happen?00:57:40.123 --> 00:57:40.842


How did I contribute to that?00:57:40.842 --> 00:57:42.744


How did I contribute to that?00:57:42.744 --> 00:57:44.286


How can I do better?00:57:44.286 --> 00:57:50.871


And then, ultimately in the end, yes, there is casualties.00:57:50.871 --> 00:58:00.197


Yes, our children have to, unfortunately, heal themselves and help Like I would love to help them.00:58:00.197 --> 00:58:14.851


Yes, I will answer any questions but at the end of the day, my biggest contributor to them healing is me healing and them seeing me as an example, and that's my goal.00:58:14.851 --> 00:58:16.614


Yeah, I think that that's huge.00:58:17.081 --> 00:58:17.802


Yeah, that's huge.00:58:17.802 --> 00:58:21.050


Ladies, we're coming to the end of our time.00:58:21.050 --> 00:58:26.512


I really want to tell you I appreciate you guys spending the hour with me and being willing to get naked.00:58:26.512 --> 00:58:29.509


We'll give you your clothes back at the door when we wrap.00:58:29.509 --> 00:58:47.425


You know, I think your understanding, belinda, and your awareness of it's time to clean up upstairs, I think, for those that are listening if you're at a place where you realize whatever it is that I'm doing in life is not working, I'm tired of this.00:58:47.425 --> 00:58:49.628


Think about that.00:58:49.628 --> 00:58:54.753


Think about, okay, let's get shit cleaned up because you're the most important person.00:58:54.753 --> 00:58:56.556


That's kind of where I found myself of.00:58:56.556 --> 00:59:02.748


I'm doing all these things for other people, just trying to hold the wheels on.00:59:02.748 --> 00:59:11.130


And when I really realized if I just take care of what's in my house and by that I just mean me individually if I just take care of that, it bleeds out into everybody else.00:59:11.130 --> 00:59:14.949


So really understanding that, I think, is a huge thing.00:59:14.949 --> 00:59:26.608


So for our listeners, anyone that has a suggestion for a topic that you're willing to get vulnerable about and you want to be a guest on the podcast, please send us an email.00:59:26.608 --> 00:59:28.512


We are open to that.00:59:28.873 --> 00:59:35.510


The intent with this podcast is literally just to hold space for important conversations that will help each other.00:59:35.510 --> 00:59:44.365


I think that connects us, to be able to be relatable and be willing to be naked in front of one another, to share the messy stuff, to share what we've learned and what we know.00:59:44.365 --> 00:59:56.349


I think that's a huge way of really being able to connect with one another, and so I encourage you if you have a suggestion or something that you're willing to talk about, shoot us an email.00:59:56.349 --> 00:59:58.114


We will get you on the podcast.00:59:58.114 --> 01:00:00.503


So that's our time for today.01:00:00.503 --> 01:00:03.351


If you have questions or suggestions, send us an email.01:00:03.351 --> 01:00:14.025


Our email address is ladies at let's get naked podcastcom, and then please do all the things to support the pod follow, share rate review and that's a wrap.01:00:14.025 --> 01:00:14.668


Catch you next time.01:00:14.668 --> 01:00:24.086


I'd love to help you get vulnerable.01:00:24.086 --> 01:00:25.190


Let's get naked.