A Journey of Sobriety, Self-Discovery, and Transformative Parenting

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast.

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Today, we are taking it all off with my good friend, amanda.

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We were actually just sitting here talking about how long we've known each other and we decided that it was 2016.

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Amanda came to work for a company that I owned at that time and I just fell in love with her instantly.

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She's always been very authentic what you see is what you get, and what you see is what you get and we were just sitting here kind of reminiscing a little bit about when we were talking about 2016,.

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Where did that play into kind of our lives?

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At that time, amanda and I went on a trip we do like a ladies' work trip and we did that the same month that I got sober, but I was still drinking and obviously, towards the end of my drinking career, I was pretty bad and Amanda was saying that she was actually pretty scared about what was going on on that trip, and her and I have never had this conversation.

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So this is a new one for the folks at folks at home, and I'm going to tell her not to hold back, but I would love to hear your perspective on that.

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So for for everyone listening, the trip was in New Orleans.

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There were five or six of us five of us, yeah, five of us maybe.

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Um, and I'm going to let Amanda take it from here and tell that story, and then we'll get into some other stuff about her.

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Thanks for having me, absolutely.

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Yeah, it was interesting.

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That just came out like when I said, oh, that scared me.

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And then, yes, I'm remembering all kinds of things about it, but I think we had only known each other for about six months or so at the time, and so we weren't as close friends then.

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But we were with other ladies, of course, and my instinct is to protect people, and I witnessed you consume a lot of alcohol Enough, like I've never even seen other men consume that much and I was like, oh okay, maybe I need to stay a little sober on this trip, you know, because we had a few others that were drinking as well and everything.

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And so I just remember feeling like somebody needed to just hold, you know, hold back a little bit on their drinking and everything.

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But you never lost your cool, right?

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That was what was wild about it is I was ready for anything?

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Right, that was what was wild about it is I was ready for anything, and I just witnessed your stability through it the whole time.

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And it was wild, but you know, that was I don't know what four or five days, you know, and and it wasn't long after that that you got sober.

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Yeah, I think that was we were.

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We were saying that that was probably the beginning of October, think that was.

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We were saying that that was probably the beginning of October.

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And then I had another trip, almost like back to back, so maybe it was more close to the middle.

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I had another trip, a work trip.

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That was back to back and I remember on that trip specifically how much I was drinking and obviously it affects your health right, and so like my guts were just wrecked and you just keep doing and going and like I wasn't eating well, because if you're drinking that many calories you can't maintain any sort of normal weight if you're going to be eating and drinking, and so I was consuming a lot of alcohol and not really taking very good care of myself.

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But I remember, I remember just really a lot of day drinking and shit on that trip in New Orleans.

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And then on the next, on the work trip, I remember distinctly like at the airport going and they were selling, they sold like bottles of wine that you could take, that you could like take home, and I thought, oh, how great that is.

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So I bought a couple of bottles of wine.

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I was only traveling with one other work person and I went and bought coffees and then dumped out the coffee in the bathroom and opened the wine bottle and poured us roadies for on the plane, after we had already spent the entire evening before the flight drinking heavy IPAs and shit at the airport.

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And what a mess.

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You know, I got home.

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I didn't even go home.

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I went to the casino and spent a couple of hours there.

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I remember being completely loaded, driving to the casino from the airport and how.

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What in the fuck was I doing, you know?

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Like that's just outrageous.

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And the next morning it was sending an email to to the ladies at KMI and saying I remember that day, yeah, I remember that day that was the hardest.

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That was.

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That was one of the hardest days in my life because I really, prior to that, you know, the drinking, and and the and the, the, before this version of Ann really felt like she held things together for everybody, and that was maybe part of the problem is that I always felt like I had to hold everything together and that things would just fall apart if I wasn't around to do that.

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You know, and for those that are listening, you know we have had a business that was maybe you know, 40, 50 employees and I handled all the stuff.

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You know I was, all the things ran through me.

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So it was like what is leaving to go to rehab for 30 days?

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Look like for my business, you know, if I'm, if I'm not around, and it just got to the point where it didn't matter, right, you know it was.

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If that's what's going to happen, that's okay, because my entire life is going to crumble right now, you know, and um.

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So it's interesting to hear your perspective from that as well.

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I remember that day and and it made more sense I didn't know you well enough to know that you had a drinking problem at that time but but when I found out that you went to rehab, I was like, yep, yeah, I was.

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I was really, really proud of you and proud of you through the whole fucking thing to this day, like I have watched you, boss, sobriety.

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I'm sure there's all kinds of hardships that you don't volunteer to people regularly but um those that do get to see you know that you have done it beautifully.

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I appreciate you saying that.

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It just gave me full body chills because it it um, I've realized in some of the journey that I'm on and the healing that I do a lot of things without giving myself credit for how hard those things are, because you just kind of put yourself into survival mode and I I'm guessing that that stems from just ship, from when you're a child and the things that you just have to survive, um, that you just do that.

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But it's important to recognize enough to give yourself credit, you know, and really show yourself gratitude for getting you through those hard things.

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And sobriety was not easy for me.

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I had done enough stuff to really put my life on the edge of falling apart, you know.

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So the fact that I have excellent relationships with all three of my children today, that my husband is around and loves me more than ever and vice versa, these are huge testaments.

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I didn't lose friends that I didn't intentionally want to walk away from in that sobriety, and that's a big deal, because I was very self-centered.

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I really thought the world revolved around me, and it's almost been a relief to do the work that I've done and realize it has nothing to do with me in the most healthy, beautiful way.

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Right, I don't have an ego like I did before, right?

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An ego, a healthy amount of ego is appropriate, but I really just I thought everything was about me, you know, and I always was good to people, I was always generous, like all of the things, but I just my life revolved around me.

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I didn't realize that I'm just a speck of sand in this amazing cosmic fabric.

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You know that we have and so really, Michael Singer taught us that, didn't he?

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Yeah, oh, he totally did, which is incredible Great books.

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Yeah, amanda is for those that are listening, amanda is also a fan of Michael Singer's work.

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For anyone who doesn't know Michael Singer's work, I encourage you, highly, highly, highly encourage you.

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That man and his books have changed my life for the better.

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He has some podcasts that I listen to on the regular, even stuff that I have already heard.

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I will listen to him again Because the stuff that he teaches is so transforming.

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You know it's.

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I tell people my church is my yoga mat and my Bible is Michael Singer's Untethered Soul and Living.

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Untethered because it has, just it has changed everything for me in the most you know, positive ways possible.

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So I love that you're also positive ways possible.

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So I love that you're also and you read that recently, yeah, this year.

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Or I'm reading Untethered Souls again for the third time, because you know when I find myself in a rut and kind of a depression and whatever reading those books.

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Another one is the Four Agreements by Don.

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McGill Ruiz.

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That's a Bible of mine as well.

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Agreed, agreed.

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You know, when I find myself down and out, I will fall back on those books all the time and it does.

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It puts things in perspective in a way that you know, tells you who you are.

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You're just this small being and you know there's all this stuff going on around you and you know just sometimes we have to ride through those rough waves.

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Yeah, no doubt, and I would encourage people who haven't read the Four Agreements definitely read it.

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That was the first book when I started going to therapy, you know, nine years ago, that she recommended and she told me don't worry about the fluff at the beginning or the fluff at the end, because some people get twisted up in that.

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Just read the actual chapters.

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That are the four agreements, but really read them.

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Let them, you know, let them wash over you, let them fill into the cracks, let them say like, okay, how can I implement that?

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Because in reading those and implementing those four agreements into my life, again, game changer, right, because it just puts you in control of things instead of feeling like everything's happening to you.

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It does you know?

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I like to tell people, when they read that book, to practice on themselves first, because that's the most important piece.

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Yeah.

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We can be all this stuff to other people all the time, every day, day in and day out, but we're not that for ourselves.

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Yeah, how sad is that?

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Yeah, it's, it's totally sad.

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And it's also sad to me that I think people don't realize that they should do work on themselves.

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You know, it's like we went to school as children.

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We get out of college or high school or wherever you went, and then a lot of people have just stopped learning, have stopped, you know, being curious about things, and for me it's like be curious about yourself, be curious about why you feel certain ways.

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Do books that are, you know, self improvement books or podcasts or whatever it is that you're going to do to just get curious about why you are the way that you are, and is that how you want to be?

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You know, knowing that you can change those things, I didn't realize that I could change all of the things about myself that I didn't love.

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You know, I have a whole satchel full of character defects, you know, but to be able to like pull those out and say this doesn't resonate with me.

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I don't really love this.

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You know, or reparenting or reprogramming certain things.

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You know, I know that and we'll get into some of your struggles growing up, but I know that you've had a lot of stuff, too, like me, that you needed to reparent.

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That's hard work to do, because I think that's the base of who you are, right.

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I say like we're a pyramid, right, and the base layer is all of the shit that you learned when you were a child, all of the programming that you came out of the box with to be able to be brave enough to pull out those bricks that are at the bottom and look at them and say like this one doesn't resonate and get rid of it, or this one does, but I'm going to tweak it in this way or that way and then plug it back into the system.

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You can do it just as I explained it.

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It seems crazy if you're not in the middle of it, but you know I can see by the look in your eye.

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You know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that, because that's the work.

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You know.

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When we say the work, that's the work.

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You know.

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When we say the work um, that's the work.

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Is is being willing to do that.

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I feel like our society has done a great disservice, um, when it comes to doing work on ourselves, that there's like this end goal of being healed.

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I will never be healed.

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I will be healing my entire life.

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I will be reparenting myself my entire life, learning my entire life.

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I don't want to live if I can't learn.

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I agree.

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It's just where I am and who I am as a person.

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Yeah.

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I agree.

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But yeah, like there's this, we're going to fix ourselves somehow, some way, and you know I've fallen game to that.

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Absolutely.

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Give me another book you know like it can get addicting.

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You know self-improvement, if you don't balance that that as well.

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Or even try to learn.

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Learn to love yourself where you're at.

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Yes, oh god, with that baggage, with that trunk full of shit that, like, you don't even want to look at, but it's important to love, because guess what?

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All those people that hurt you in your past didn't love it either.

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Yeah, and that's what we need to reparent, right?

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That?

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you're okay where you're at and you can grow, grow and do better all the time.

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Yes, and also just that whole like loving yourself and giving yourself credit that you made it so far through 100% of your shitty days, of your tough things, right.

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Yes, giving yourself the credit to do that, because if you look so far ahead or look at all of that, you know what's in that trunk of shit.

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It's a lot and it can really be overwhelming, but just knowing I'm going to take it one day at a time, some days I'm more in tune and more, you know, dedicated to doing the work, and then sometimes I'm like I'm going to take a minute, you know I'm going to take a beat and not work on anything, because it gets to be where it's super intense, you know.

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But you know, for me, as I've gotten to this place where Wiley's old enough, where he's off doing his own thing a lot of the times and Cameron has gone a lot doing his fishing and stuff, which is excellent it's given me this opportunity to be able to really spend time with myself, and I do.

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Sunday, I turn my music on and I have this little star scene that I put up on the ceiling in the living room and light my candles, journal and and write, and wow, it's so powerful because it really lets me get to know me.

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As I'm doing that, you know, and being at this place where I've agreed to to myself that I'm worth doing this work, uh, and and really doing Michael Singer's work of not allowing the samskaras to continue to build up and not holding on to things, as you're doing that and you're allowing things to come up and releasing them as they come, it literally feels like I've opened Pandora's box for my memory.

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You know, we always joked about that because I just couldn't remember stuff.

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I couldn't remember my childhood, I couldn't remember things that were more than five years ago, which was a good thing and a bad thing, because for me it's like, yeah, I can't remember it, but it was a very soothing thing for me when I was younger Try not to get emotional Because I always would tell myself don't worry, you'll forget when bad shit would happen.

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You know what I mean.

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It will fade away and now that it's all coming back to me, it's like I'll be driving somewhere and something will be a memory that literally feels like a Mack truck hitting me and all of the emotions that I should have felt when that thing happened, but I didn't feel some of its good stuff, some of its bad stuff.

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It is incredible because I feel like it's the biggest gift.

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We hold our trauma in our bodies, we totally do, and I thought, oh, I don't want to know that.

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You know, we have this joke.

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My older of my younger brothers and I have this joke about, like why would you want to remember it?

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Obviously you're forgetting for a reason.

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We said that for years and years and years and now that it's starting to come back to me because I've been doing this work, I feel like what a gift, you know, like my memory and my things that are coming back and the experiences that I had.

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But when you start with trauma and you view your life from you know, I have a friend who explained to me.

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She put words to things I didn't have words to, which is also such a gift.

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But she said I witnessed my childhood from the, you know, from the corner of the bedroom room when the trauma was happening to me.

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Right, you literally have out of body because your mind is amazing and it will protect you, you disassociate and so that disassociation.

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I didn't understand that.

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I knew that I had that, but I never had the words to go with that.

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I was like holy shit.

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As soon as she said that to me, I was like that tracks, that's exactly what happens, right?

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But then you're allowed to do that for yourself when you go through other hard things, you know, and when you're younger but at what cost, right?

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Then you can't remember things or like all of these other things that come in.

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So to be healing from this stuff and having these good and bad memories come up and dealing with them as they come because they don't come at convenient times, no, they don't but you're ready for them?

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But I'm ready for them, You're ready for them, but I'm ready for it, and that's you know, I've explained, yeah.

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I've explained to all of the people that I work with, like, when the uncomfortable stuff happens, bring it on.

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Every time, I don't care where I am or what's going on or what you know what I'm in the middle of.

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Bring it on, yeah, cause I'm not going to push anything back down anymore because I know that that's you know, and that makes me feel yucky and so just kind of pushing it away.

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Now I'm like come on, come on, I'm ready.

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Beauty of compartmentalizing you know if you have so much trauma, can you deal with it all at once?

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You?

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know, and so it's like nope, let's put that back in there I can deal with that one, yep you know, yeah, well, and you, you, you helped me with something a while ago where we were talking about the stuff that we're dealing with and and you were telling about, like, and then I just put it back in the satchel or the box or whatever and it's like okay, I'll deal with this one.

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Maybe I didn't deal with it all the way, so I'm going to put the rest of that back in there until I'm ready to pull it out again.

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And the beauty is, yes, this is full of stuff, but as you're pulling out some things and dealing with them, some of the other little things that are hanging on those just fall away and don't really have to be dealt with.

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You know, it's like they almost like resolve themselves when you're doing that.

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But just being able to visualize that, yeah, I carry it around with me all the time, but I don't have to deal with all of that stuff.

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It gives you control back a little bit too when all of that stuff happens.

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You had no control.

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You had no control.

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You had no control over it.

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Yeah, but it gives you control as an adult to be like no, I'm not ready for this.

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Yeah, just like you weren't ready for it when it happened, you know.

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I'm gonna make sure we're in a good place before I pull that sucker back out, um, and and then.

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Yeah, sometimes the universe is like, oh, you're ready, you just don't know it.

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Yeah well, the universe is great about putting that right in your face.

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Yeah, and I laugh sometimes because there's stuff that I'll deal with.

00:18:24.451 --> 00:18:47.989
Cameron and I were at a movie the other night and at the end it had this really aggressive rape scene and I normally don't watch that stuff because it's very triggering for me and I just chuckled to the universe and I said, oh, you think I'm ready for this, and I sat there in my discomfort and just really took it in, you know, and it was helpful to be able to do that.

00:18:47.989 --> 00:18:53.346
But question for you are you, have you found that as an adult, you're a controlling person?

00:18:53.346 --> 00:18:54.171
Just in that?

00:18:54.171 --> 00:18:58.249
When you said that you didn't have control over things when you were younger, I feel that exact same way.

00:18:58.249 --> 00:19:09.215
I spent a good chunk of my the majority of my adult life, being more of a control freak, and I wonder if it's because I didn't have control over stuff when I was younger where that became so important to me.

00:19:09.236 --> 00:19:09.819
For sure, the trauma response.

00:19:09.819 --> 00:19:16.472
I'm also autistic, and so we like to have control of our environment at all times.

00:19:16.472 --> 00:19:20.069
And then you add a little trauma to that and it can be overemphasized.

00:19:20.069 --> 00:19:29.247
So, I work at it for sure, but it definitely consumed me more, maybe through my 30s and now like releasing that a lot more.

00:19:29.247 --> 00:19:41.856
Getting rid of certain toxic people in my life has allowed me to see and do so much more that their noise was just on top of me, clouding everything noise right Because it does.

00:19:42.217 --> 00:19:50.049
it muddles things, it makes it so that you don't see things clearly and don't make decisions for yourself without all of that noise.

00:19:50.049 --> 00:19:51.152
So that's excellent.

00:19:51.152 --> 00:19:56.049
To be able to say that isn't good for me and that we're just going to take right out of there.

00:19:56.049 --> 00:19:58.423
Yeah, tell me a little bit.

00:19:58.423 --> 00:20:07.550
I know that we kind of got sidetracked as we started, but tell me a little bit about your family growing up, like what that looked like your childhood, siblings, parents, were they divorced?

00:20:07.550 --> 00:20:08.573
Did they stay together?

00:20:08.573 --> 00:20:09.821
You know anything that you're willing?

00:20:09.842 --> 00:20:16.480
to share you know, whatever you're comfortable sharing, and, and, and then we're going to talk about that.

00:20:17.020 --> 00:20:23.464
Um, I was born in Oklahoma, um, and my parents were married for just a few years.

00:20:23.464 --> 00:20:27.467
They divorced before I was four.

00:20:27.467 --> 00:20:32.710
I have a few memories in that time frame.

00:20:32.710 --> 00:20:37.932
They're not good memories, they're some of the first, like the way that I always shared.

00:20:37.932 --> 00:20:41.115
It was my first few memories were blood baths.

00:20:41.115 --> 00:20:44.557
That was the child witnessing stuff.

00:20:44.557 --> 00:20:53.891
Right, it might've been a, you know, my mom had put her hand through a window and cut her hand all up and that was a blood bath to a three-year-old right.

00:20:53.911 --> 00:21:04.794
Oh for sure, yeah, and so that's how I was constantly talking about it, but that was always from my child body perspective and I never put it in a different perspective till she was out of my life and a lot of that noise went away.

00:21:04.914 --> 00:21:05.275
Yeah.

00:21:06.240 --> 00:21:12.195
But she, she remarried my stepfather who was one of my primary abusers.

00:21:12.195 --> 00:21:21.692
They had two more children so, and my dad had two more children with his still wife for over 30 years now.

00:21:21.692 --> 00:21:23.355
So there's six of us.

00:21:23.355 --> 00:21:25.066
There's three girls and three boys.

00:21:25.066 --> 00:21:34.162
Of my siblings I'm the oldest girl, so naturally that came with a lot of responsibility, especially having a single mom.

00:21:34.162 --> 00:21:43.227
She was married at different times and with boyfriends and stuff, but she was primarily single most of the time.

00:21:43.748 --> 00:21:52.353
Um, that was, our parade of men was kind of frequent, um, and I became a mother at 19.

00:21:52.353 --> 00:21:57.652
Um, I have been essentially caring for other people my entire life.

00:21:57.652 --> 00:22:05.549
Um, my baby's a senior in high school, so that, uh, the bird launching is almost complete.

00:22:05.549 --> 00:22:07.340
I quit calling it empty nesting.

00:22:07.340 --> 00:22:08.605
I agree with that.

00:22:08.605 --> 00:22:09.827
I call it bird launching it's.

00:22:09.827 --> 00:22:15.588
It sounds more positive for me, but they're just flying in their own directions.

00:22:16.853 --> 00:22:26.816
Their father and I separated probably like 12 years ago now yeah, about 12 years ago now.

00:22:26.816 --> 00:22:33.970
But he was one of my greatest friends before we had children and we made sure that that remained for them.

00:22:33.970 --> 00:22:44.087
We didn't have a whole lot of the deceit or like what people really think leads to divorces.

00:22:44.087 --> 00:23:03.413
I will say that my trauma probably caused the end of our relationship, but towards the end, it was me realizing that he deserved a love that I didn't have for him, that I wasn't capable of giving him in the way that he needed, and vice versa, right, you know.

00:23:03.413 --> 00:23:05.259
And so that was hard, because we're mad that he needed, and vice versa, right, you know.

00:23:05.278 --> 00:23:05.359
And.

00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:10.490
And so that was hard, because we're madly in love with our children, you know.

00:23:10.490 --> 00:23:13.806
And we still have the same love for one another that we always did.

00:23:13.806 --> 00:23:16.940
It's like what, what are we going to do to make this work?

00:23:16.940 --> 00:23:21.964
His parents have been married forever, you know, and his father just passed away in June.

00:23:21.964 --> 00:23:25.648
His father just passed away in June, but I was product of a shit show.

00:23:25.648 --> 00:23:32.875
And so we took that and made the best of the world that we could for our kids.

00:23:32.875 --> 00:23:57.421
We lived together for about a year after we separated, to figure out, you know, how we could give them that best life, and towards the end of that, we had decided it wasn't okay for us to stay in that same house, for the kids to have that root for both of us, you know, and then for one parent to leave.

00:23:57.421 --> 00:23:59.164
You know, we changed it both.

00:23:59.164 --> 00:24:00.387
We both got new places.

00:24:00.448 --> 00:24:04.480
We made it a thing for them you know, yeah, and I kind of made it fun for them.

00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:11.623
You know new things, new places and and then they didn't have any of those core animosities that can come out of you know later.

00:24:11.742 --> 00:24:23.027
you kick dad out, you kick mom out you know anything can, can come up in those moments with kids, and and then after that we it just kind of developed slowly.

00:24:23.027 --> 00:24:34.349
We were at each other's homes every other night, regardless of whose house the kids were at, we made sure to have dinner with one another as a family, and we built our friendship.

00:24:34.349 --> 00:24:38.432
We rebuilt our friendship, I should say, and that was hard.

00:24:38.432 --> 00:24:40.051
That took two to three years.

00:24:40.051 --> 00:24:40.952
I was dating.

00:24:40.952 --> 00:24:44.334
He was not really I was dating.

00:24:44.334 --> 00:24:59.057
He was not really Um, and at the core of it were just these beautiful humans that, um, for me, coming from such trauma, um, I had the rule book of, like what not to do.

00:24:59.157 --> 00:25:34.203
Yeah, um, and and that was my God sent, you know, for, for becoming a mother, um, I, primarily because I I think the trauma, and maybe even my autism, has given me like this sixth sense with people and and especially people that are struggling, that, if there were any ever, if there were ever any actions that I took or words that I said to them and they responded in a way that was not good or they questioned me or anything like that, it was stop, what just happened?

00:25:34.203 --> 00:25:35.633
Where did this come from?

00:25:35.633 --> 00:25:36.114
From?

00:25:36.193 --> 00:25:36.394
me.

00:25:36.634 --> 00:25:38.278
Yeah, why did I do this?

00:25:38.278 --> 00:25:39.663
Why are they hurting?

00:25:39.663 --> 00:25:41.454
Let's figure this out.

00:25:41.675 --> 00:25:44.628
You've been curious, then, for a long time, from the very beginning.

00:25:44.648 --> 00:25:50.099
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have spanked my children once one time.

00:25:50.099 --> 00:25:52.544
One kid it was Hendrix, my middle boy.

00:25:52.544 --> 00:25:56.071
My children once one time.

00:25:56.071 --> 00:25:57.314
One kid it was Hendrix, my middle boy and man.

00:25:57.314 --> 00:26:00.881
That was the greatest lesson I ever learned through that experience.

00:26:00.881 --> 00:26:04.914
He had gotten sick and I think back then he had strep throat or something.

00:26:04.914 --> 00:26:13.422
So he was on his very first round of antibiotics, maybe three years old or something, and he's allergic to a lot of things, like I am.

00:26:13.422 --> 00:26:21.272
I just didn't know all of that back then and he reacted very, very poorly, went into psychoses with the antibiotics.

00:26:21.272 --> 00:26:24.987
But you have a three-year-old it looks like a three-year-old tantrum.

00:26:24.987 --> 00:26:31.794
He didn't want anything to do with dad and I kicking, slapping, whatever, and I kind of turned him around and swatted him on the ass.

00:26:31.794 --> 00:26:35.757
Yeah, and um, god, I'll probably tear up here.

00:26:35.757 --> 00:26:44.383
He has big old, beautiful blue eyes and they just looked right up at me and just started welling up with tears and he goes.

00:26:44.462 --> 00:26:57.295
Mama, you told me we're not supposed to hit people, yeah yeah, and I was like son, yep, and I went into my room and just lost it yeah, lost it.

00:26:57.295 --> 00:26:59.800
And I was like he's fucking right, yeah, yeah.

00:26:59.800 --> 00:27:05.823
And I went back to him and I sat down and got down on his level and I was like I'm so sorry, yeah, you're right.

00:27:05.823 --> 00:27:17.335
And I I looked at how I reacted, that was just a I was, I was, I was mad, I was upset that he was throwing this tantrum, but it didn't go away.

00:27:17.335 --> 00:27:20.522
And then it was like, okay, well, what's new in his world?

00:27:20.911 --> 00:27:35.134
He's on antibiotics, and and then, sure enough, one of the rare side effects to them were psychoses and I had to get on the internet and find a platform that like found stuff like that because we get all the rare side effects of medication.

00:27:35.134 --> 00:27:36.217
I have to look at that.

00:27:36.297 --> 00:27:44.553
Now, it's interesting because I listened to you say that and I think this is exactly a perfect example of why I think you're the best mom I've ever met.

00:27:44.553 --> 00:27:52.747
Right, Because I think a lot of parents don't take accountability for their actions, don't apologize to their children, you know.

00:27:52.747 --> 00:27:55.496
Don't get curious about why did that just come out?

00:27:55.496 --> 00:27:58.554
Because we're programmed with whatever we're programmed with from our childhood.

00:27:58.554 --> 00:28:03.173
I truly believe everything stems from that, but that doesn't mean we have to do those same things.

00:28:03.173 --> 00:28:18.259
Yes, you came to it and said, okay, I saw all the things not to do, but even in that moment, realizing I didn't act the best way that I could, right, and being willing to take accountability for that, Because I think children need to hear you apologize.

00:28:18.259 --> 00:28:21.476
You know, I think they're our best teachers, if you'll allow them to be.

00:28:22.038 --> 00:28:25.698
It takes a lot of humility because it's you know from how I was raised.

00:28:25.698 --> 00:28:27.788
It's here's how it is, this is what we believe.

00:28:27.788 --> 00:28:30.355
So this is what you believe, right, and you're just the opposite.

00:28:30.355 --> 00:28:33.002
And that's why I think I look at you and I think, wow, I'm just.

00:28:33.002 --> 00:28:40.962
Every time I have, I hear a story that you're telling about with your children, I'm impressed of just you being humble enough to say is this what fits?

00:28:40.962 --> 00:28:44.704
Is this right If it isn't taking accountability and apologizing for that?

00:28:44.704 --> 00:28:57.330
You know, when I started apologizing to my children for different things and really letting them be my teacher in life, it just opened a whole new world for me you know, and we have the best relationship because of it, and I see that with your children as well.

00:28:57.371 --> 00:29:10.919
The other piece of it was, or is, that their father allows me to do this and and I watched that develop him into a fantastic father as well.

00:29:10.919 --> 00:29:37.076
But you know, he and I so my, my oldest son is not his biologically, but he raised Hayden and when he first met Hayden and you know, we kind of had this conversation about parenting before we we, before we chose to have children, it was I do things very differently and you're gonna have to go with it and there wasn't really a choice in that.

00:29:37.076 --> 00:29:45.657
Obviously, he wasn't Hayden's father at the time and and it just it worked, it fit.

00:29:45.657 --> 00:29:47.102
He picked it right up.

00:29:48.263 --> 00:29:57.834
I, because of the extensive child abuse that I went through, have a lot of mental health issues, and that was another piece of it is.

00:29:57.834 --> 00:30:02.923
He has never looked down on that ever, ever.

00:30:02.923 --> 00:30:13.876
And he carried me through motherhood a little bit as well and was like you know, yeah, okay, you have some mental health issues, you know, does that mean that you're a bad mom?

00:30:13.876 --> 00:30:15.394
Does that mean that you can't do this?

00:30:15.394 --> 00:30:16.479
No, it doesn't at all.

00:30:16.479 --> 00:30:24.034
It means you're working really hard to change the narrative that you had and he's just let me go with it, and so I do.

00:30:24.034 --> 00:30:33.798
I have a lot of gratitude for him and you know, you said the other day at dinner that I'm ahead of my time and I kind of took that in.

00:30:33.798 --> 00:30:46.055
It takes a really brave person to allow a mom, their co-parent to run the kind of show I've run.

00:30:46.075 --> 00:30:49.103
We have no rules in my home except communication.

00:30:49.750 --> 00:30:50.050
Cutting edge.

00:30:50.050 --> 00:30:59.442
I literally look at it and I've told you write a book Like it's powerful stuff, because I look at it and I wish I had done more of that.

00:30:59.442 --> 00:31:03.240
I was not a great mom to my children when they were younger.

00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:13.962
We have spent some time laughing about what a terrible mother I was and I had the same thing, where I was like, okay, this is the things that I don't want to do.

00:31:13.962 --> 00:31:18.034
I had a whole list of all of that stuff, but I didn't know what to do, you know.

00:31:18.034 --> 00:31:21.540
And so, thank God, I have an opportunity.

00:31:21.540 --> 00:31:29.578
You know, when I got sober, that was eight years ago, which means Brittany would have been 20, you know I did not do that love muffin any favors.

00:31:29.578 --> 00:31:36.133
You know I did not figure out how to be the best mom to who she was as an individual, you know.

00:31:36.133 --> 00:31:37.155
And same thing with Emily.

00:31:37.155 --> 00:31:39.830
She was, you know, a teenager by the time I got sober.

00:31:39.830 --> 00:31:44.480
And again, not even when you get sober, you're a shit show for a while.

00:31:44.641 --> 00:31:47.115
After that, you know, after you do get sober.

00:31:47.115 --> 00:31:51.633
I know, I mean just from start to finish, it's just radically accept that shit.

00:31:51.653 --> 00:31:59.958
You know, and I think and I think that that's the beauty in having adult children is that they do accept that right and also I take full accountability to them all the time.

00:31:59.958 --> 00:32:01.101
That's everything it is.

00:32:01.101 --> 00:32:30.979
And you know, sunday night, when I was telling you about spending time with myself and journaling and stuff, I wrote all three of the kids letters of just you know, they know this and I've told them this before, but just reiterating, like I'm sorry that I was not always everything that you needed and deserved, and thank you for allowing me to you know, be in your world and thank you for being an amazing teacher, because when you allow your children to be teachers for who you are, because they're just in this human experience with you, you know, let them be your teacher, right?

00:32:31.078 --> 00:32:34.625
That's incredible you you know, let them be your teacher, right?

00:32:34.625 --> 00:32:35.667
That's incredible.

00:32:35.667 --> 00:32:36.589
It's so powerful.

00:32:36.589 --> 00:32:42.204
Another one of the things that that reminded me of is I've allowed my kids to know me.

00:32:42.204 --> 00:32:50.434
I come from a really the maternal line of my family is really secretive, and I allowed my kids to know me.

00:32:50.434 --> 00:32:54.343
I allowed them to know what depression and anxiety is, what trauma is.

00:32:54.343 --> 00:32:55.191
You know it.

00:32:55.191 --> 00:32:59.141
It I wasn't just hiding in my room when I went through depressive bouts.

00:32:59.141 --> 00:33:03.278
If I did that, it was circling back to them, so they didn't know it was about them.

00:33:03.278 --> 00:33:11.101
That's what was most important to me, because my mom's instabilities were everybody else's fault.

00:33:11.903 --> 00:33:14.554
It's so brave what you're saying.

00:33:14.554 --> 00:33:16.299
Right now I have full-body goosebumps.

00:33:16.299 --> 00:33:31.531
It is so brave to do that and to show them that, because your instinct is to have everything under control and whatever but to be able to really show them behind the curtain of the stuff and I think that that's what's made me so close with my children is after getting sober.

00:33:31.531 --> 00:33:39.424
Wiley has had a front row seat to me doing all of the gross healing and sharing with him all of the things that I'm learning and whatever.

00:33:39.424 --> 00:33:47.385
That young man is the most emotionally intelligent person I know because of teaching him all of those things and showing him and just having a different perspective.

00:33:47.385 --> 00:33:57.642
You know, when the girls were growing up, I didn't want them to feel anything about money, and so I've raised Brittany to think that money just comes and just magically appears and you're taken care of.

00:33:57.642 --> 00:34:00.636
I've fucked that poor girl up, so I'm trying to fix that.

00:34:00.636 --> 00:34:01.353
She's like well, what do you mean?

00:34:01.353 --> 00:34:02.939
I have to go work for all my stuff now.

00:34:02.939 --> 00:34:04.115
I'm like, I'm sorry, baby.

00:34:05.309 --> 00:34:16.036
Because I remember when I was growing up, we were poor and, knowing that, my parents showed us that and how embarrassed I was and how terrible that made me felt, and so I just overcorrected.

00:34:16.036 --> 00:34:18.141
You know how that made me feel.

00:34:18.141 --> 00:34:20.137
Excuse me, I'm like that doesn't sound right.

00:34:20.137 --> 00:34:22.427
I overcorrected, going the other direction.

00:34:22.427 --> 00:34:31.920
Right, but being able to be brave enough to let your children see who you are, and the messy stuff and all of the things, and that you can do hard things, that's what we're supposed to teach our children, right?

00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:39.891
Not that everything's always going to be right, not that you know if you, if you move these things and tweak this stuff, it's going to be exactly and it's going to be what you want and what you expect.

00:34:39.891 --> 00:34:41.898
But we can handle anything Absolutely.

00:34:41.938 --> 00:34:49.217
We've been moving and tweaking their entire lives, you know, and they're amazing humans because of it.

00:34:49.217 --> 00:34:52.641
Um, they blow my mind on a daily basis.

00:34:52.943 --> 00:34:53.664
And I let them.

00:34:54.224 --> 00:34:57.259
I think a lot of parents don't let their kids blow their minds.

00:34:57.259 --> 00:34:59.969
They're such fascinating creatures.

00:35:00.070 --> 00:35:01.608
I love it so much, fascinating.

00:35:01.608 --> 00:35:03.684
I know they're my favorite people on the planet.

00:35:03.806 --> 00:35:36.976
They really are I get to look at my kids and see what support and guidance and love actually look like when it's received in childhood and when you're receptive enough to say to them and I say this to my children as well tell me what support looks like for you right now, tell me how I can be that right, and my children will stick into the difficult conversations and say, mom, I don't, you know, emily will call and she'll be venting about something and my mom chip just automatically starts giving advice and she'll say, mom, I just need you to be supportive and to listen.

00:35:36.976 --> 00:35:38.664
Right now I need a cheerleader Excellent, I'll shut my mouth and do exactly that.

00:35:38.664 --> 00:35:42.619
But most parents would be like, oh, and they take that personally and whatever, it has nothing to do with me.

00:35:42.619 --> 00:35:57.090
Her saying that has nothing to do with me, this is what she needs, and having her be smart enough and in tune enough with herself to be able to say this is what I need in this moment in a clear way, where every the conversation stays calm the whole time and I'm able to shift gears and do that.

00:35:57.731 --> 00:36:07.811
Oh my God, I'm honored that I'm, that I didn't ruin my entire family with every, all of my trauma and everything that I was dealing with and all of that crap where we can have those conversations.

00:36:07.811 --> 00:36:25.563
You know, I was doing something with Wiley a couple of days ago and I felt my parenting, that I received coming out and he stayed calm enough to say Mom, I don't feel comfortable with that and I literally had to step back and take a moment and then apologize to him and thank him for being a teacher.

00:36:25.563 --> 00:36:37.682
It really sparked something for me where I was like, thank God, my children are comfortable enough with me to say those difficult things, because I don't know, I've never been a parent to a 17 year old boy before.

00:36:37.682 --> 00:36:40.052
I've never been a parent to a 28 year old woman.

00:36:40.052 --> 00:36:42.597
I mean, my daughter has gray hairs.

00:36:42.677 --> 00:36:45.643
If we're going to teach our kids to self-advocate.

00:36:45.831 --> 00:36:47.922
The first stop should be with us, a thousand percent.

00:36:47.922 --> 00:36:50.934
We teach our kids that and then we're pissed off when they call us on the carpet.

00:36:50.934 --> 00:36:52.619
We should do that.

00:36:56.309 --> 00:36:59.677
Let me get curious about why I come from that place or why I'm defensive, or why I feel like my parenting can't be called into question.

00:36:59.677 --> 00:37:00.880
I see all these shows.

00:37:00.880 --> 00:37:01.963
It's so funny to me.

00:37:01.963 --> 00:37:05.800
I see all these shows and everyone's like well, don't talk about my parenting.

00:37:05.800 --> 00:37:08.317
Well, who the fuck thought they got it right on the first try?

00:37:08.317 --> 00:37:08.940
You know what I mean.

00:37:08.940 --> 00:37:16.777
You think you're untouchable.

00:37:16.777 --> 00:37:17.650
You think you're doing everything perfect.

00:37:17.650 --> 00:37:18.000
I'm just the opposite.

00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:18.610
Talk about my parenting.

00:37:18.610 --> 00:37:19.039
Where can I improve?

00:37:19.039 --> 00:37:19.309
How can I do better?

00:37:19.309 --> 00:37:20.300
I want to do the best possible thing for my children that I can.

00:37:20.300 --> 00:37:22.710
If I'm fucking something up, call me on the carpet about it.

00:37:22.710 --> 00:37:25.672
Do it in a fucking supportive and caring way.

00:37:25.672 --> 00:37:26.813
Right, but it's so funny.

00:37:26.813 --> 00:37:28.635
Well, don't talk about the parent I am.

00:37:28.635 --> 00:37:29.195
Why?

00:37:29.275 --> 00:37:30.538
not.

00:37:30.538 --> 00:37:38.965
I took that professional exit interview and I was like I wonder how this would be with a kid.

00:37:38.965 --> 00:37:40.007
Oh my God.

00:37:40.909 --> 00:37:41.472
You're a genius.

00:37:41.492 --> 00:37:43.438
I sat Hayden down my first right.

00:37:43.438 --> 00:37:44.474
I sat Hayden down.

00:37:44.474 --> 00:37:46.757
He was 19.

00:37:46.757 --> 00:37:48.195
It was before he moved to Vancouver.

00:37:48.195 --> 00:37:50.838
So after he graduated he lived at home for a year.

00:37:50.838 --> 00:37:55.802
But when he was moving away from mom I sat him down and I was like, okay, buddy, this is your exit interview.

00:37:56.322 --> 00:37:57.704
I love this so much.

00:37:57.704 --> 00:37:59.826
Where did I fuck up and how?

00:37:59.846 --> 00:38:02.771
could I do better for your brother and sister for over the next couple of years?

00:38:02.771 --> 00:38:08.224
And we just had a back and forth and he gave me a lot of solid feedback.

00:38:08.224 --> 00:38:12.217
You know, don't push them to do certain things, you know.

00:38:12.217 --> 00:38:27.851
And he's like I'm grateful that you pushed me to get a job right away, but it was too much for me and I, you know, it's like I got to a point where I was able to say it, but like suggesting over pushing is a little bit better in that way.

00:38:27.851 --> 00:38:41.916
And you know, the second that my other two like turned 16 and whatever, or Hendrix it was more, when he had the ability, because his academics took first, first press and uh, and they just went out and did it themselves.

00:38:41.916 --> 00:38:54.711
And you know, mila was two weeks after she turned 16 and Hendrix was as soon as he got back from his graduation trip and and it was immediate and so that advice did hold up.

00:38:54.711 --> 00:38:55.835
You don't pressure them.

00:38:55.835 --> 00:38:58.121
You know I love this so much.

00:38:58.141 --> 00:39:04.554
Have a suggestion have a performance interview with your children, a performance review with your children for how you're doing.

00:39:04.554 --> 00:39:06.364
Yeah, genius, give you an exit interview.

00:39:06.384 --> 00:39:11.581
Because it doesn't mean it doesn't mean you're going to change everything, but having that so that you understand how that's received.

00:39:11.581 --> 00:39:20.420
I remember one time, a couple ago, the girls were both living in Flagstaff and they were I think they were living together.

00:39:20.420 --> 00:39:22.208
It was the worst mistake ever because they're oil and water, right.

00:39:22.208 --> 00:39:25.137
I knew, listen, as you get older, you're going to be amazing for each other.

00:39:25.137 --> 00:39:28.317
Right now you're going to hate each other and I'm sorry but that's how it goes.

00:39:28.317 --> 00:39:47.135
And I remember having this conversation of of teaching them boundaries as I was learning this as well as probably six years ago maybe and saying like, okay, if we're at a place where we're all pushing each other's buttons, anybody in our family of five, you get to use the word trigger fish and that shuts it down.

00:39:47.135 --> 00:39:50.342
We agreed, we signed a contract, right?

00:39:50.342 --> 00:39:54.199
Like, if somebody else says trigger fish, stop it, that's it.

00:39:54.199 --> 00:39:57.836
That word shuts it down, no matter what it is, because that's a firm boundary of like.

00:39:57.836 --> 00:40:01.900
I don't want to have this conversation right now.

00:40:01.900 --> 00:40:12.516
I'm not prepared to, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter, and I can't tell you how amazing that little tool has been, for just if somebody's uncomfortable and isn't like, whatever it is trigger fish, I'm trigger fishing now?

00:40:12.516 --> 00:40:14.478
Yep, perfect, I love it.

00:40:14.478 --> 00:40:15.260
I know so.

00:40:15.260 --> 00:40:18.885
So just again, a fun trip tip of like how?

00:40:18.885 --> 00:40:25.994
But sitting down with your kids what do we need?

00:40:25.994 --> 00:40:27.679
How can we put in a boundary that's effective for our family?

00:40:27.679 --> 00:40:31.891
It's going to be different for everybody, but if you're not sitting down saying how am I doing, how could we be doing better?

00:40:31.911 --> 00:40:32.411
You do that at work.

00:40:32.411 --> 00:40:33.614
You sit and have an annual review at work.

00:40:33.614 --> 00:40:37.880
Your family is the most important thing you have going on, but we put the least amount of effort into it.

00:40:37.880 --> 00:40:40.583
We bring the baggage from how we were raised.

00:40:40.583 --> 00:40:42.471
We dump that onto our children.

00:40:42.471 --> 00:40:43.914
We're completely defensive.

00:40:43.914 --> 00:40:47.894
We're blanket defensive against anyone who has any feedback on how we are as a parent.

00:40:47.894 --> 00:40:50.762
Although women are horrible to each other, I don't give a shit.

00:40:50.762 --> 00:40:58.152
We're going to be supportive of women.

00:40:58.152 --> 00:40:59.317
News flash you're all still terrible to each other.

00:40:59.317 --> 00:41:00.380
Judging another woman for how she's being a mom.

00:41:00.380 --> 00:41:00.681
Fuck you, right.

00:41:00.681 --> 00:41:01.061
Fuck you seriously.

00:41:01.061 --> 00:41:02.666
It's so inappropriate, absolutely.

00:41:02.666 --> 00:41:04.478
But it makes everybody defensive, right?

00:41:04.478 --> 00:41:10.909
So you have this blanket defense up about don't comment about my parenting, but then you don't put any energy and effort into how am I going to raise?

00:41:10.909 --> 00:41:12.534
These are human beings you're responsible for.

00:41:12.534 --> 00:41:15.952
These are human fucking beings that you're in your care to fucking raise.

00:41:15.972 --> 00:41:18.824
And when we all grow up, we, uh, we're not the same.

00:41:18.824 --> 00:41:23.476
No, we're all individuals with unique needs and all the above.

00:41:23.476 --> 00:41:26.722
Yeah, I parent to the individual.

00:41:26.722 --> 00:41:37.556
Yeah, that's the the one thing that I I had to grab onto, because they're so completely different, so different, and they have different needs, even inside the home.

00:41:37.556 --> 00:41:42.355
You know where we were talking about control earlier.

00:41:42.355 --> 00:41:47.614
You know, and every parent, especially if you have multiples you're trying to control how the house looks.

00:41:47.614 --> 00:41:50.972
Right, you got to keep it clean, everybody's got to have chores, and you know.

00:41:50.972 --> 00:41:55.123
The other common theme is that as kids get older, they want money, right.

00:41:55.123 --> 00:42:02.039
So, instead of having a required chore chart, there was just a dollar value for everything that needed to get done.

00:42:02.039 --> 00:42:04.032
And if you want something, go add it up.

00:42:04.032 --> 00:42:07.702
Yeah, right, yeah, if you were too young, let's go over there and try to add it up.

00:42:07.702 --> 00:42:09.456
Yeah, you know together which is excellent.

00:42:09.476 --> 00:42:12.306
These chores will make $7, and you know together, which is excellent, these chores will make seven dollars.

00:42:12.306 --> 00:42:14.333
And yeah, you know, and we just so excellent.

00:42:14.333 --> 00:42:24.059
And yeah, that was trial and error, yeah to to get to that place, but, um, parenting the individual was probably the most successful.

00:42:24.059 --> 00:42:25.641
Yeah, um, you know.

00:42:25.641 --> 00:42:48.150
And and then the kids didn't grow up with those jealousies of one another and like he does X better than me, but no, they all went to different schools too, because they went to schools that cater to their needs, which is excellent right Understanding that they're individuals and encouraging them to do that, instead of hammering them on the head until they conform to whatever pot you want them to be in.

00:42:48.170 --> 00:42:54.710
That's 90% of children I believe that I believe that Manipulated and controlled by their parents.

00:42:54.731 --> 00:43:00.896
I believe that I have been doing a lot of look back, because I was one of five and, looking at, we were all completely different.

00:43:00.896 --> 00:43:05.476
Right, we're over the span of 10 years and my parents didn't know what the hell they're doing.

00:43:05.476 --> 00:43:12.177
Sorry, mary and Tom, but you know I give you credit for doing the best that you possibly could with what you had Never.

00:43:12.478 --> 00:43:13.280
I don't believe that it is.

00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:14.797
I don't think people have malintent in that.

00:43:14.797 --> 00:43:20.141
But in looking at that, you know, it was like my parents were very religious and said that was just hammered into us.

00:43:20.141 --> 00:43:23.358
We are going to fit into whatever this box is, whatever religion we are.

00:43:23.358 --> 00:43:25.311
Right now You're doing that and I.

00:43:26.251 --> 00:43:29.376
Organized religion to me just grates against every fiber of my being.

00:43:29.376 --> 00:43:30.036
It just does.

00:43:30.036 --> 00:43:32.079
It doesn't fit for me, it doesn't feel good.

00:43:32.079 --> 00:43:41.989
It feels like someone's trying to control me and tell me shit that I don't believe and that you know.

00:43:41.989 --> 00:43:49.097
So when I got to this age where I felt like I should have been able to make my own choice and it was no, if you're living under this roof, you're going, you're doing these things and so I just okay, I just won't live under this roof because this doesn't feel right to me.

00:43:49.398 --> 00:44:03.277
And my parents thought I was very rebellious and all of this stuff, but it was like I had had sexual trauma on top of sexual trauma on top of sexual trauma and then I got to where I was just putting myself in dangerous sexual situations because that's what felt normal to me.

00:44:03.277 --> 00:44:21.152
And it's interesting because I watch other people as I've helped other people through certain things and it's like that's exactly what was happening to me, but no one was paying attention and no one was being supportive of me in that they were punishing me for different stuff.

00:44:21.152 --> 00:44:29.023
Because it was like this doesn't feel right, I can't be in, whatever this is, and it wasn't like get curious about what that is.

00:44:29.023 --> 00:44:31.731
It was like oh, this devil child, we're going to pray for her.

00:44:31.731 --> 00:44:36.601
Bring our friends over and pray for her, like we're going to exercise some demons.

00:44:36.601 --> 00:44:38.192
Yeah, there's demons there.

00:44:38.231 --> 00:44:39.596
Trust me, you don't want to see what they are.

00:44:39.615 --> 00:44:42.251
I don't think y'all are ready for what's getting ready to come out.

00:44:42.251 --> 00:44:44.534
You know, because you do, you don't and you don't know.

00:44:44.534 --> 00:44:52.065
At that point you know I've, I've unpacked this as a woman in my 40s, but I didn't realize how detrimental all of that stuff was.

00:44:52.264 --> 00:44:55.521
You know I have very similar stories in the beginning we do have very similar.

00:44:55.521 --> 00:45:00.695
I left home at 15 and I moved from here, arizona, to New York City to model.

00:45:00.695 --> 00:45:02.900
Yeah, because I don't know.

00:45:02.900 --> 00:45:03.402
So it was.

00:45:03.402 --> 00:45:18.168
I think I moved to Arizona when I was 13 from from Oklahoma and I started modeling fairly quickly and that gave me the knowledge that money could get me out.

00:45:18.367 --> 00:45:19.889
Yes, Money was freedom to me.

00:45:20.030 --> 00:45:29.262
And the second, I had a ticket out, I did whatever I could, yeah, and I don't know really.

00:45:29.262 --> 00:45:37.601
I guess I've never really asked my parents this question, but my mom just let me go at 15.

00:45:37.601 --> 00:45:42.882
She signed custody not custody, but um emancipation, no, um.

00:45:42.882 --> 00:45:50.338
She just gave guardianship over to um, these two women that owned a studio, a modeling studio that we we met once.

00:45:50.338 --> 00:45:50.971
Can you?

00:45:51.052 --> 00:46:02.375
imagine that no Can you imagine doing that with one of your children like that's outrageous, no, but like I was also 15 and I was gonna say and do yes, whatever to get me there, yeah.

00:46:02.494 --> 00:46:02.635
I.

00:46:02.635 --> 00:46:05.242
So I was right along with it and I totally agree.

00:46:05.242 --> 00:46:08.561
You know, those ladies just wanted rent paid and for me to make money for them.

00:46:08.561 --> 00:46:11.286
Yeah, they just they're like okay, you can sign this paper.

00:46:11.286 --> 00:46:12.130
I was working in a bar months later trying to make money for them.

00:46:12.130 --> 00:46:12.797
They just they're like okay, you can sign this paper.

00:46:12.797 --> 00:46:15.456
I was working in a bar months later trying to make rent.

00:46:15.456 --> 00:46:20.275
Because you don't just become a model, you just don't go start making money, right, right, right.

00:46:20.315 --> 00:46:25.159
There's the dirty, gross stuff underneath that that you have to work really hard to do all the things and put it together.

00:46:25.159 --> 00:46:30.221
It's outrageous, it's crazy to me, because I look at some of the stuff and you say that about money.

00:46:30.221 --> 00:46:33.811
Money was freedom to me.

00:46:33.811 --> 00:46:44.396
We grew up poor and that's what that equated to for me and that's what drove me very early on to always be like what's the next job that I can have?

00:46:44.396 --> 00:46:50.402
If I had a job, okay, I'm going to crush this, I'm going to outwork everybody in this field, whatever.

00:46:50.402 --> 00:46:52.737
But then what's the next, next and what's the next?

00:46:52.737 --> 00:46:54.757
And I always was like, okay, what's the next step up?

00:46:54.757 --> 00:46:55.639
What am I working towards?

00:46:55.639 --> 00:46:59.340
But it always was very money-driven, because money was freedom to me.

00:46:59.340 --> 00:47:01.637
You know, and I find that fascinating.

00:47:01.637 --> 00:47:07.862
May I ask you how old you were when you lost your innocence for the first time?

00:47:07.862 --> 00:47:08.545
I was eight.

00:47:08.826 --> 00:47:09.327
I was four.

00:47:09.327 --> 00:47:12.514
Yeah, that continued for the six years.

00:47:12.574 --> 00:47:24.835
my mom was um with her, her husband and yeah um, and then I was also raped in New York when I was 17, um, when I moved there getting in the entertainment industry.

00:47:24.835 --> 00:47:36.639
I do not recommend to, yeah, anyone, anyone, yeah, um, but because there are more monsters than there are good people, and especially those that will take advantage of people that don't know any better.

00:47:36.639 --> 00:47:42.074
Yeah, and, and so that quickly led me to numb myself with drugs.

00:47:42.074 --> 00:47:45.382
Yes, and it was free in the entertainment world is free.

00:47:45.382 --> 00:48:00.824
You go to any models party, you can do any anything that you want, and, and so I got myself into that, and you know I was high as a kite on heroin, that I was raped, and you know that I died that night, and you know that was my.

00:48:00.824 --> 00:48:02.733
That was my liberation, though.

00:48:02.733 --> 00:48:13.143
That's where I got my freedom from Um, and, and it's amazing to be able to sit here and say that to you right now.

00:48:13.143 --> 00:48:13.463
It is.

00:48:15.492 --> 00:48:26.030
I remember having my first drink of alcohol and when I started getting buzzed and it took me out of my body and feeling like this is home yeah, you know what I mean.

00:48:26.030 --> 00:48:29.797
It felt uh and fuck you for making me get naked.

00:48:29.858 --> 00:48:36.159
This is not the right, you make me cry all the time I know fuck um it.

00:48:36.298 --> 00:48:38.304
It felt, it felt it was numbing.

00:48:38.304 --> 00:48:50.556
Right, it was numbing because it was like uh, you just don't think about all of that other shit that happened to you and all of the stuff that's so fucking gross, that lives inside of you, that's just covered in shame that you can't talk about that.

00:48:50.556 --> 00:48:53.927
You blame yourself for all of those things.

00:48:54.509 --> 00:49:08.922
I find it fascinating that we don't talk to our children more about the monster, right, because the monsters are everywhere and a lot of times the monsters live in your house right as they did for both of us right, and so it's like how do we, how did?

00:49:08.922 --> 00:49:12.271
Here's a great question how did you address that with your children?

00:49:12.271 --> 00:49:14.617
You're my, you're my parenting star.

00:49:14.617 --> 00:49:18.012
How and when did you address that with your children?

00:49:18.012 --> 00:49:18.934
Or have you?

00:49:18.934 --> 00:49:21.527
Or like, where, where are you at with all of that?

00:49:22.007 --> 00:49:26.916
It didn't it didn't come out, uh, as, as gracefully as.

00:49:26.916 --> 00:49:35.349
I would have planned come out as gracefully as I would have planned, you know.

00:49:35.369 --> 00:49:43.152
I was the young mom who didn't think it happened to boys, right, and so at first there was no conversations with the boys or even in my mind the need to prepare for that.

00:49:43.152 --> 00:49:48.427
But I knew I was having a daughter, the second, like during conception.

00:49:48.427 --> 00:49:49.992
It's like this, like it was.

00:49:49.992 --> 00:49:54.610
It was really wild, yeah, and I wasn't happy about it, right, I was scared to death.

00:49:54.610 --> 00:50:00.994
They're hard To have my daughter, yeah, scared to death, and it was really young with her.

00:50:00.994 --> 00:50:09.659
You know you get the mailings of pedophiles or whomever that get you know, released if they live in your neighborhood or whatever they flyer.

00:50:09.659 --> 00:50:12.885
Those went up on our fridge, fuck, yes, you know.

00:50:12.947 --> 00:50:19.585
Like we knew who the monsters were, yeah, and there weren't that many in our neighborhood, thankfully, right right, but it's still a thing.

00:50:19.644 --> 00:50:25.485
We did have one instance where this man was released to his like 86-year-old mom's house.

00:50:25.485 --> 00:50:31.990
That was like two blocks away from us and he tried to show up at the neighborhood.

00:50:32.010 --> 00:50:32.753
Like I forget it was a neighborhood.

00:50:32.773 --> 00:50:39.775
Yes, yeah and we had there were police and firemen there to play with kids and and whatever, and show them inside the cool cars and trucks.

00:50:39.775 --> 00:50:42.630
And so they immediately were like what are you doing?

00:50:42.630 --> 00:50:45.496
Like there's, there's kids here, oh, I didn't know.

00:50:45.644 --> 00:50:47.512
yeah, that's why I did that.

00:50:47.512 --> 00:51:05.760
But then there was an instance when my daughter was seven and I won't be super specific because I didn't get permission from her to tell this, but she did something that put the fear of God in me for her and I locked it down.

00:51:05.760 --> 00:51:08.831
She got every bit of your body.

00:51:08.831 --> 00:51:16.431
Is your body talk like stranger date, like she got it hard and I don't regret it.

00:51:17.172 --> 00:51:17.994
I don't regret it.

00:51:18.775 --> 00:51:21.739
It did hurt us for a few years.

00:51:21.739 --> 00:51:27.775
She became scared of me, but I needed her to be afraid of the monsters, absolutely.

00:51:28.155 --> 00:51:28.777
Absolutely.

00:51:29.117 --> 00:51:29.838
And I also.

00:51:29.838 --> 00:51:36.775
I continued obviously parenting the way that I do, and she was 11 when she circled back to me and was like she stood up to me.

00:51:36.775 --> 00:51:42.449
Yeah, she stood up to me and our, our relationship could not be better, which is excellent day for that.

00:51:42.449 --> 00:51:53.347
But she, she was just like, um, there's a little bit of sexism going on in the house, like, just because I clean better, does that mean that I have to do this, this, this and this and cause the boys don't do it.

00:51:53.347 --> 00:51:56.219
And you know, my daughter doesn't clean a toilet in the house.

00:51:56.219 --> 00:51:56.862
I don't either.

00:51:56.862 --> 00:52:04.972
I don't clean toilets.

00:52:04.972 --> 00:52:07.693
Yeah, if there's men that live in the house, I don't do it.

00:52:07.693 --> 00:52:09.014
Yeah, um, and she doesn't either.

00:52:09.054 --> 00:52:20.474
It was about a year after the car accident that you know about when she says oh, and, by the way, my dad almost died too, and it was a pump the brakes.

00:52:20.474 --> 00:52:24.155
I didn't get my oldest and my youngest help from that accident.

00:52:24.155 --> 00:52:36.211
I got Hendrick's help because he was in it, right, and I helped Anthony because that was helping my kids too, help because he was in it Right and I helped Anthony because that was helping my kids too, to know their dad was safe, right, but I didn't know to get them help and they went through hell too, absolutely.

00:52:36.231 --> 00:52:41.190
That's a traumatic for the whole family To be like okay, I'm not looking at certain aspects.

00:52:41.190 --> 00:52:48.644
It was more like I'm trying to scare her in to protect her throughout life and I needed to circle back and do that differently.

00:52:48.644 --> 00:52:51.896
Yeah, um, and yeah, I think.

00:52:52.097 --> 00:53:01.811
I think that that's something that's really important to do, because I look back and I think there was never a conversation about any of that, about the monster, right, whoever the monster is, it doesn't even matter.

00:53:01.811 --> 00:53:10.047
But in in my family, not from my mom, not from my aunties, not from anybody and for and for me it's like let's have the conversations.

00:53:10.047 --> 00:53:11.612
When is the when is too young?

00:53:11.612 --> 00:53:12.715
I don't think that there is.

00:53:12.715 --> 00:53:17.315
I think there's age appropriate stuff that you can be having conversations with about your body.

00:53:17.315 --> 00:53:17.956
Is your body?

00:53:17.956 --> 00:53:25.094
We don't you know, if someone came to you and said don't tell so-and-so or all this and that and whatever, you come straight to me.

00:53:25.094 --> 00:53:28.059
Here's what, here's what's a safe secret, here's what unsafe secrets are.

00:53:28.059 --> 00:53:31.342
You know you can talk to your kids in different contexts of that.

00:53:31.342 --> 00:53:40.253
That's protecting them, because you can't unring that fucking bell, you can't take that, you can't give back their innocence by letting them advocate for just normal stuff.

00:53:40.353 --> 00:53:54.431
If you're a kid who does not like to be hugged, why should you be forced to, just because it's family that reiterates things in their mind that they need to be normal?

00:53:54.471 --> 00:54:00.190
Yes, to have physical compromise themselves and what their knowing is so that somebody else stays comfortable.

00:54:00.190 --> 00:54:05.112
Emily is so funny because she is like I don't have any hugs anymore, I'm not hugging anybody.

00:54:05.112 --> 00:54:09.172
She'll come in and say that, just like that Doesn't matter who the hell's in the room, I respect the shit out of her.

00:54:09.172 --> 00:54:17.268
Or she'll come and she'll say like I do have a hug for you and she'll give you a hug and it's always authentic and you know it's genuine and you know that she's not.

00:54:17.268 --> 00:54:20.331
Yeah, I love that for her, right, but it's, it is.

00:54:20.331 --> 00:54:39.068
It's literally that you know honoring them, supporting them and what they feel and what they know is right, and then giving them the knowledge, because we don't, if we don't give our kids the knowledge to be able to know that bad shit happens and that there shouldn't be secrets and that they always can come to you for stuff and that you're supposed to be a safe place.

00:54:39.068 --> 00:54:44.228
I don't want to be the mom where kids are out getting in trouble and they say like, oh shit, I we don't want to tell mom.

00:54:44.228 --> 00:54:46.554
I want to be the ones where they're like I'm going to call my mom right now.

00:54:46.554 --> 00:54:51.246
Right, because I'm not going to freak out, because I'm going to be there with you to handle stuff, because I'm going to.

00:54:51.246 --> 00:54:54.916
You know there's nothing that you can tell me that's going to make me think less of you.

00:54:54.916 --> 00:54:55.706
You know what I mean.

00:54:55.706 --> 00:55:03.434
So you need to be able to create that safe space with your kiddos instead of just assuming that they know that somebody shouldn't.

00:55:03.434 --> 00:55:03.634
Right.

00:55:03.753 --> 00:55:16.717
It happens to fucking boys, and I have been dealing with more men and their sexual trauma, and I think there's almost more shame associated with that than there is with women, because it's more common with women.

00:55:16.717 --> 00:55:26.639
But I don't know very many women probably I can count two that have not been sexually abused as children or at some point in their lives.

00:55:26.639 --> 00:55:34.750
And you say that to you know I don't talk to Cameron about specifics, but just in telling him like you can't even get your head around it, he's like I don't understand.

00:55:34.750 --> 00:55:36.596
I'm like he's like cause he doesn't.

00:55:36.596 --> 00:55:39.208
You know he doesn't think like that, he hasn't had something like that happen.

00:55:39.208 --> 00:55:39.909
Or like blah, blah, blah.

00:55:39.909 --> 00:55:42.992
I'm like, yeah, it fucks us up like bad.

00:55:43.414 --> 00:55:52.376
Imagine what that looks like if you started having sexual trauma from the age of four or eight and by people you know right, which adds a whole different element to it.

00:55:52.376 --> 00:55:54.432
It's not like a stranger and it's stranger danger.

00:55:54.432 --> 00:56:05.474
These are people that we're supposed to be able to trust, that have assaulted us repeatedly and then put it in our brains because they fuck with you by telling you you're not supposed to say something to people.

00:56:05.474 --> 00:56:06.617
Oh, mom would be mad.

00:56:06.617 --> 00:56:07.398
Don't tell her.

00:56:07.398 --> 00:56:09.492
What do you think that does to a child?

00:56:09.492 --> 00:56:16.793
You're supposed to be worried about going out and playing and being able to like this and that, and instead you're worried about right?

00:56:16.793 --> 00:56:23.137
I'm reading Maya Angelou's I think it's her first autobiography about.

00:56:23.137 --> 00:56:24.972
I know what makes the why the Birds Sing, or whatever that book is.

00:56:24.972 --> 00:56:25.454
I haven't read it Right.

00:56:25.514 --> 00:56:26.922
I know what makes the why the birds sing, or whatever that book is.

00:56:26.943 --> 00:56:27.425
Doesn't read it Right.

00:56:27.425 --> 00:56:33.978
It's talking about her being raped by her stepfather at the age of eight years old.

00:56:33.978 --> 00:56:36.932
Get your fucking head around that.

00:56:36.932 --> 00:56:38.590
That happens all the time.

00:56:38.590 --> 00:56:42.969
People don't and we're not going to talk to our children to let them know that, like hey, this isn't appropriate.

00:56:42.969 --> 00:56:47.853
This is if somebody comes to you and is whatever no, this is your, you know.

00:56:47.853 --> 00:56:50.358
Like, let's have the conversation, let's have the conversation.

00:56:50.378 --> 00:56:51.420
Let's have the conversation.

00:56:51.865 --> 00:56:59.056
So I'm going to encourage you to let's get on that book and you'll figure out with whoever you do about what that conversation looks like.

00:56:59.056 --> 00:57:00.612
I saw an Instagram post recently.

00:57:00.612 --> 00:57:08.096
It was a mom talking with a young child and it was talking about the things that you should have a conversation with your child at any age.

00:57:08.096 --> 00:57:20.534
It was appropriately naming your private parts, because we all need to be on the same page and there's nothing shameful about that Knowing that your body is your body and same thing about you don't have to hug people if you don't want to.

00:57:20.534 --> 00:57:22.492
Right, knowing you listen to your gut.

00:57:22.632 --> 00:57:35.713
Right what consent is, and how important that is, because I've talked to men who, when they were younger, knew that they were doing something a girl didn't want, but she didn't vocalize it and they didn't stop that.

00:57:35.713 --> 00:57:38.652
I heard, when I was down in Costa Rica, the ayahuasca thing.

00:57:38.652 --> 00:57:44.690
It hit me like a fucking Mack truck Because I'm talking to this guy about something that happened and he was like I was the guy and I was not.

00:57:44.690 --> 00:57:58.686
Apparently the universe thought I was ready for that and but it was a powerful conversation because I was just like holy shit he's like and I'm healing from that because I knew it was wrong, I knew she was tensing up and it wasn't whatever, but no one said no, you know, and?

00:57:58.806 --> 00:58:02.871
And men don't get it Like how can women not say no, it happens all the time.

00:58:02.871 --> 00:58:04.211
Yeah Right, we don't have a voice.

00:58:04.211 --> 00:58:07.516
We've been raised a certain way in like all of this shit.

00:58:07.516 --> 00:58:11.661
So, oh my God, we could literally talk about this forever.

00:58:11.661 --> 00:58:18.112
But again I'm going to come back to let's figure out how to get you in a book and like putting that knowledge out there.

00:58:18.184 --> 00:58:20.733
Yeah, because it's powerful, it's important.

00:58:21.204 --> 00:58:25.751
So the universe is handing me more time at the end of the school year, so you know what?

00:58:28.505 --> 00:58:31.992
Use it wisely, because the world would really be impacted by having your your take on things.

00:58:32.132 --> 00:58:34.938
I really I really I could not, I could not.

00:58:35.806 --> 00:58:44.074
Your wisdom resonates so highly with me of just not being afraid to really um, be vulnerable with your children and and figure things out.

00:58:44.153 --> 00:58:46.588
So I have not always felt confident in that.

00:58:46.588 --> 00:58:52.172
Um, that's one thing I'm I'm working on, trying to work on and standing inside of at the moment.

00:58:52.351 --> 00:58:52.932
I'm proud of you.

00:58:52.932 --> 00:58:53.735
It's brave.

00:58:53.735 --> 00:58:56.891
So we're we're getting close to running out of time.

00:58:56.891 --> 00:58:58.416
I um for this week.

00:58:58.416 --> 00:59:05.913
May I suggest having a performance interview and review with your children, like like that to me?

00:59:05.913 --> 00:59:10.686
Yes, absolutely, you know, I think when you ask them how am I doing?

00:59:10.686 --> 00:59:10.865
How?

00:59:10.905 --> 00:59:11.728
is this working Like?

00:59:12.289 --> 00:59:13.373
and be vulnerable with them.

00:59:13.373 --> 00:59:15.146
Wouldn't you want that, Like I do better?

00:59:15.266 --> 00:59:15.706
Absolutely.

00:59:15.706 --> 00:59:16.608
You do it.

00:59:16.608 --> 00:59:18.454
You do it at work, and that's not love.

00:59:18.574 --> 00:59:19.054
Absolutely.

00:59:19.054 --> 00:59:20.606
What do you feel like is working?

00:59:20.606 --> 00:59:22.494
So that's my may I suggest for this week.

00:59:22.494 --> 00:59:27.628
If you have suggestions or questions, please send us an email.

00:59:27.628 --> 00:59:31.677
Our email address is ladies at letsgetnakedpodcastcom.

00:59:31.677 --> 00:59:37.036
If you have shitty things to say, don't bother, we're not interested.

00:59:37.036 --> 00:59:37.818
Change the channel.

00:59:37.818 --> 00:59:40.561
I think that's all we have for this week.

00:59:40.581 --> 00:59:40.985
Thanks, for having me.

00:59:40.985 --> 00:59:43.934
Yeah, Amanda will definitely be someone we see again.

00:59:44.585 --> 00:59:51.909
She's someone who's a very important person in my life and has a lot to offer in the vulnerability category, and so we'll definitely see more of her.

00:59:51.909 --> 00:59:53.612
So that's a wrap, thanks, guys.